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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex dp wants me to meet him to discuss ... I dont know what

98 replies

singleandfabulous · 09/02/2014 19:26

because he wont tell me over the phone.

Am a regular and have name changed recently but in a nutshell, I ended our (none live-in) relationship in the New Year as the relationship in my eyes had fizzled out. No effort from him for xmas, my birthday, no sex, no kissing. He has 2dc (teens), debts, issues with alcohol and anger management problems. Ive stated categorically that i have no feelings for him and I dont want to get back with him. He has been texting, alternating between being funny and being arsey. He says he doesnt understand why I ended it as, it's not as if he's an axe murderer

Now, he's had counselling and says we must meet to discuss important issues raised during counselling. I fobbed him off with "I'll think about it."
Is this some sort of ploy? Do I go? His family keep ringing saying they're sure we'll get back together. I feel hounded tbh.

OP posts:

Meerka · 22/02/2014 19:44

good grief, his poor wife. I wonder if the counsellor knows this is a pattern.

will his mother respect your wishes now, do you think? Goodness, if you did have any lingering feelings, he's really making a good job of curing them.

PedantMarina · 22/02/2014 23:15

I'm going to use erotic Vesuvius as soon as possible. and may well change my name to EscapedGoat sometime.

Original poster

singleandfabulous · 23/02/2014 16:25

at Pedant me too. Just waiting for the opportunity.

OP posts:

Original poster

singleandfabulous · 01/03/2014 12:01

If anyone is still there, I have an up-date on my bastarding ex-boyfriend.

He rang my home phone last night to tell me that I have issues and Im not as great as I think I am. Apparently, I was always nervous at his house (true - he never locked the doors whether in or out and lived in a row of B&Bs,mopposite a pub). In addition to this grave fault, I didnt trust him to book a taxi so checked by calling the firm.

Finally, he said if he'd known I'd finish with him he would never have gone out with me as, as far as he was concerned, it was for better or worse etc.. Yes, folks, this is what he comes back with to back up his claim that Im the one with faults and need counselling.

I simply told him not to call me again, that was the end of the matter and I put the phone down.

I went to the police last week (in his town) to advise them that they had a potential nutter in town and low and behold, his is 'known to them.' He is a scrapper apparently.

I am fuming.

OP posts:

YoniMatopoeia · 01/03/2014 12:26

Now you need to call the police in your town to make them aware that a previously violent man is harassing you.

So sorry he is being such a knob.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/03/2014 13:17

Yes, defiitely inform your local police - especially of the fact that he has a record in his home town.
ANd should he call again, just hang up on him. You owe him no courtesy. He's a cock.

tribpot · 01/03/2014 13:23

Please either change your number or get caller ID. You don't need this person taking up any headspace or invading your home. My home phone can block numbers, worth looking out for one of that type. But you need caller ID for it to work.

Notify the police of this phone call and take advice from them about whether you should advise him that each contact will be reported to them, or if they want to go round and have a word.

Original poster

singleandfabulous · 01/03/2014 13:29

I think I'll go the caller ID route (need a new phone though as my display doesn't work). Don't want to change my number AGAIN as it confuses my relatives (and me if I'm honest). I'm frightened that if I change my number he'll just turn up (as he has done previously).

I really can't believe I allowed myself to become involved with such a person. I was trying to be non-judgemental I think.

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 01/03/2014 13:32

Def go to the police, the sooner they have a word with him the better...

Anniegetyourgun · 01/03/2014 13:39

You need a new voicemail. "I am sorry I am unavailable to take your call. If you leave your name and number I will call you back as soon as possible, unless you're Pissflaps, in which case I won't."

he would never have gone out with me as, as far as he was concerned, it was for better or worse etc

He seems to have become a little confused about the difference between marriage and dating, there. Or possibly the difference between him and an autonomous human being who is not him.

tribpot · 01/03/2014 13:49

When he realises you're screening his calls he may turn up anyway. You really need to keep the police in the loop.

perfectstorm · 01/03/2014 14:39

Finally, he said if he'd known I'd finish with him he would never have gone out with me as, as far as he was concerned, it was for better or worse etc..

He thinks if you date someone you have no right to leave? Yeah, right. His entitlement is genuinely scary, I agree with the others. Please talk to the police about his latest shit and try to get your number flagged up or something, so if you call them they will send someone straight round. He sounds a total nutter, tbh.

PedantMarina · 02/03/2014 00:19

if this was Facebook, I'd be wondering if 'Like' is appropriate. in other words, Op, good to hear from you, but not happy about the update itself. apart from your brilliant sense of humour which rings through every time. loving that, and so pleased that you've got it .

YY to ensuring the police care on the case. might also be worth getting some more RL support involved. maybe even contacting his 'counsellor' - the kind of shit he's spouting makes me wonder if he's even seeing one or, if so, WTF could their credentials possibly be?!?

stay safe, sweetie.

Bubblegoose · 02/03/2014 03:50

He sounds completely delusional, obsessing over weird stuff like the taxi booking and door locking. There will be no reasoning with this nutter.

I agree with going to the police, especially if you think ignoring him will have the effect of him turning up unexpectedly. From friends who have been in similarish circumstances police take stalking (because that's what it's beginning to sound like) seriously.

Horsemad · 02/03/2014 08:50

Back to the police again and this time, go to your local police.

This nutter needs a visit from them.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 02/03/2014 10:02

^ This ^

Original poster

singleandfabulous · 02/03/2014 11:50

at Solidgoldbrass 'he is a cock.' Funilly enough, my friends and family said the same thing.

PerfectStorm I know! How dare I end a relationship with -the nutcase- him. He said if I loved him I wouldnt leave him when he is at his lowest. I tReminded him that I didnt love him and that he had been low for the duration of the three years we had been together. Thats not low, thats how he is.

Pedant My outrage and incredulity at this pillock manifests itself in piss-taking humour on Mumsnet at the moment. It saves me going over there and throttling him.

YY to everyone suggesting up-dating the police and informing my own local police.

Quick question too; do I send his key back or keep it? Im tempted to keep it to avoid further contact.

OP posts:

TeenyW123 · 02/03/2014 12:07

Keeping the key might give him another excuse to hassle you.

In your shoes I think I'd send it back without a message.

Most people would take it as an act of finality, but as your ex is a bit weird, goodness knows what he'd make of it!

JeanSeberg · 02/03/2014 12:19

I can't understand why you're still engaging with him almost a month after your first post. Are you secretly enjoying the drama? Why not just put a stop to it once and for all?

SolidGoldBrass · 02/03/2014 14:36

Return his key by post with a recorded-delivery letter stating clearly that any further attempt at contact from him will be reported to the police. Then don't engage at all. If he phones, hang up without speaking. If he appears on the doorstep, don't open the door, and call the police if he starts banging and howling.
Remember he has no rights at all to contact with you. He has no entitlement to any of your time or consideration or attention. You owe him nothing and it's fine to act as though he simply doesn't exist.

Lizzabadger · 02/03/2014 15:20

Be careful. You've got yourself a potential stalker. This could get very nasty. Please take SGB's advice.

perfectstorm · 02/03/2014 21:13

I wouldn't send the key back with that letter, actually. It might trigger him, and any contact at all might do the same. Just ensure the police know you have a nascent stalking situation, get the letter and calls registered, and avoid all further contact. I'd also ask to speak to the local domestic abuse specialist worker with your police so you can get best advice - they may suggest you do as SGB says, too, I don't know. But stalkers don't react like normally adjusted people and hence treating them logically may just feed the obsession. You've already made your feelings very clear. He's ignoring them and pasting his own fantasies over the top.

perfectstorm · 02/03/2014 21:14

Remember he has no rights at all to contact with you. He has no entitlement to any of your time or consideration or attention. You owe him nothing and it's fine to act as though he simply doesn't exist.

This. It needs to be your mantra. No contact at all facilitated by you, and all attempted contact from him reported from now on.

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