DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

And one of the times a person is most at risk in an abusive relationship is when they finally try to leave.

And you haven't been stupid. Sometimes it takes pregnancy or a baby to life the fog and allow you to see clearly.

What would be stupid is to continue down this route without trying to do change it. You've already taken the first step, that is a massive achievement in situation like this

You would be better off without your husband and your dad.

Your dad doesn't care you are upset. He just wants to keep his drinking buddy. Get drunk while you are pregnant?

It is bollocks your husband would be torn apart if he could see how upset you are. He should know it from what you have told him and if not, record yourself and play it back to him.

Your life is unsupported and your baby is being born into crap.

What will you do if he comes hone drunk and punches you in the stomach?

Umm...did you tell him you were pregnant around Xmas by any chance

Sounds like you are in a hot mess situation OP. Don't envy you but sure there is a lesson in this for you. Each moment is a choice that leads to the next. That is life in its essence. How are your moment to moment decisions currently stacking up if you are to be honest with yourself? And where do you see it all going in the future?

I cannot deny that I chose this life I am living and IMHO neither can you. You have lots of realities to choose from which is a good thing as it sounds like your current one is not the best experience you could be having right now.

Sounds like your sister would be a good person for you to be around. I'm horrified by your dad's response and sadly it sounds like there is no one to reinforce what you are telling your husband - this level of drinking isn't compatible with family life. You can't afford it. The effects on his health will be catastrophic. If you have to drink to tolerate his behaviour, that's hardly compatible with a newborn. And, most importantly, he is violent and aggressive when drunk. That, combined with drink driving, means it's a matter of time before he seriously hurts someone. Don't let it be you or your baby.

Your husband is a selfish, abusive alcoholic.

Your dad is a wanker.

I'm sorry you have such unsupportive men in your life.

But the sad reality, as other have said, is that he has, and will continue to, choose drink over you and the baby. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can choose how to proceed with the rest of your life.

Alcoholics can change, can go into recovery, but not until they realise and accept they have a problem and really, really commit to making the change. It's not easy.

If everyone around him thinks the way he drinks is ok, he has significantly less chance of recovery than other alcoholics (whose family recognise their problem).

The best thing you can do for him, for the baby and for yourself is leave. Leave until he is properly sober and enrolled on a program. It has to be 100% no alcohol ever again, alcoholics can't be occasional/social drinkers.

I think it's preferable to point out to the OP, and reassure her that her dad says some stupid, dangerously stupid, things sometimes. If you tell her that her dad, who she adores, is a twat or a wanker, then she'd be quite reasonable in not listening to you.

So you knew they were red flags, you looked for advice from Al Anon, you were told not to have a baby with him and yet...here you are.

Look, women can't 'change' men. You are not his saviour. All this sorry, swearing not to drink again whilst you are pregnant, yada yada yada. It's just bollocks. You know that. He is what he is. An alcoholic. Who has started hitting you and throwing you on the floor. Do you honestly think it's going to magically get better once you have the baby and presumably, are not working and on maternity leave/a SAHM? And isolated from friends and family because he tells them you aren't any fun because you don't drink?

Pull the other one, it has bells on.

Please tell your sister now , don't wait . Everyone around you will try to convince you that you're wrong and you desperately need an ally and safe haven.

Ahoy you are in complete denial. Read the sentences below which you wrote over and over again until it sinks in.

I was curled up in bed while he hit me with a pillow repeatedly, threw a pint of water over me, and pushed me into the floor. That's pretty much the worst it's even been, and I'm not excusing him

He grabbed the laptop and threw it against the wall.

I am literally begging you to wake up and see the reality of your situation. Ring al-anon and women's aid. Google information on how common it is for men to hit their partners or escalate existing violence when the first baby arrives. Myself and others have been there and didn't leave when the WRITING WAS ON THE WALL! Don't do what I did and hope things will magically improve. After I left he made my life hell and I genuinely feared for my life. He has been arrested and charged with assualting his children. Once they became teenagers there weren't so cute and compliant and his true colours shone through. Please don't do this to yourself. So he got angry and embarrassed when you involved his family - not apologetic and on the phone to AA.

Get the hell away from him and see a solicitor to get a barring order. I absolutely promise that if you don't take a stance now you will a battered wife with a child in her arms. Things won't get better, they will get significantly worse. Please listen to me.

Please ring WA and get some real support as well. You're surrounded by people that are minimising his behaviour. Alcoholism and domestic abuse are serious issues that people often look away from and deny when they see it in their own family or friends.

Your dad's reaction is dreadful, but then you didn't tell him everything did you? I suspect there are quite a few incidents (like the laptop one you just mentioned) that you haven't brought up yet, because you don't want to look it clearly head on.

If you think it won't continue after you have the baby, you are wrong. And if you then think "oh he loves the baby, he'd never hurt the baby," then you are wrong again. My STBXH "loves" his DCs, but that didn't stop him from smacking our then 3yo so hard he left a bright red handprint on him. It doesn't seem to stop him from shouting at them every time he sees them or swearing at them. But he loves them, of course, and he'd never hurt them.

And regardless that medically, he shouldn't be drinking, it hasn't stopped that either. He swears "no more alcohol" or "only on the weekends" but gradually it falls by the wayside after a week. Good day? Have a drink. Bad day? Have a drink. And once he starts, he has no self control whatsoever. Unless he runs out of money or alcohol, in which case he doesn't have a choice.

I do not understand your dad's attitude at all. If my daughter came to me about this, I'd support her 100% in leaving him.

Sorry for you OP.

The people you're surrounded by seem to have strange ideas about what an acceptable amount of alcohol is. Really.

A pint, depending on type of beer is between 2-3 units. So 30 pints is 60-90 units. That is 6-9 bottles of wine a night. Even the biggest, most hardened male drinkers I know would pass out long before reaching bottle 6 of wine. What a tolerance he must have built up.

And I would say some bigger drinkers might have 2-3 pints per hour for the first hour or two. But maintaining that pace for 12 hours is about the maddest thing I've ever heard.

Just physically being able to drink that much means he has a massive problem.

To those who are saying "He cannot change" - you are wrong. AA is full of alcoholics who have changed.

BUT, and it is a big but, it is bloody hard to change, and for him to have any chance of giving up drinking, he really, really needs to want to give up. He needs to put himself into some sort of rehab programme, either residential, or something like AA, and he needs to take it one day at a time.

And he needs to accept that he can never touch another drop.

My dh had an alcohol problem - he could go ages without a drink (when he was on call for work and had to stay sober), and was a lovely person and goo husband, father, colleague etc when sober. But when he drank, he couldn't stop. A bottle of wine, once opened, had to be emptied. A bottle of whisky would call out irresistibly to him. And he would drink in secret.

One night, he hit rock bottom. He reached out to me for help, and was genuinely distraught about the depths he had reached. I drove him to his first AA meeting less than 12 hours later, and he hasn't drunk another drop since. That is over 8 years ago. And as he has just said, life is so much better now.

It was really hard for him, but he did change.

Was your DH violent SD?

SDTG I think a lot are referring to the abuse. He is not abusive because he drinks, he is abusive because he is abusive. The drinking may facilitate it or bring it out more, but the underlying problem will always be there.

And he will NOT change regarding the alcohol unless he gets professional help of some sort. (medical, AA, something!)

Either way, the OP needs to part ways with him and let him sort out his life on his own, where she and her baby are safe.

If you mean me, no he wasn't, but he wasn't a nice drunk either.

I agree with those who have said that the OP's dh needs to get out for the moment, and I would say he shouldn't be coming back until he's accepted he has a problem and is doing something about it (ie. AA and quitting for good).

He certainly shouldn't be around her either now or when she has the baby, if there's a risk of him being violent. That is. It what I was saying at all.

Of course people can change but it has to be because they want to and this guy clearly doesn't.

Ahoy your dad's attitude stinks.

Please go to your sister's

and SDTG your DH sounds great.

It doesn't look,like he does, Rooners.

SDTG you are right, thanks for reminding us that people do change and it amazing that your DH did. The OP doesnt have 8 years to wait and I just sincerely hope that she leaves him for her and her child's safety. If that scares him into changing well and good. He won't change for her he will have to do it for himself. That is why all the 'understanding' on her behalf will be absolutely worthless.

Your poor thing. The first thing you need to do is stop covering for your DH. You said your Dad doesn't see him when he's at his worst so you have to tell him. Tell him about the violence and the computer flinging and the 30 pints. He has to have all the facts if you are to have people around you to help you. If he has only ever seen him just normal drunk then he probably does think you are being hysterical and over reacting. Don't be a martyr about it it won't help you in the long run.
I think the amount of alcohol is a bit irrelevent really - if you are a nasty drunk after 2 shandies then that's 2 shandies too many for you.

He is great, Rooners.