DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

DH is back already. Downstairs chatting with Dad. I could copy and paste the text messages in getting, but I'm sure you can imagine. I'm being emotional, he's my husband not my boyfriend and I can't kick him out his own home, he's not going anywhere etc etc.

Text my sister casually to see what she's up to- she is driving home from a weekend away 200 miles away, and has lots of work to get through this evening. She has a crazy busy high profile stressful job, it's not worth bothering her today. But I'm sticking to my guns, even if everyone else thinks I'm being mental, I'm having my space. Will book a room at the local travel lodge tonight. A bath, space, and books on my kindle sounds like absolute bliss.

Yes, no-one knows about the times he's been aggressive. It's humiliating, degrading and embarrassing to have to talk about. And maybe if I told my Dad the things I've told you all, he might be more supportive. But I don't need to tell him those things to know I'm doing the right thing. Even if everyone else thinks I'm overreacting because I haven't told them the full story, well that's fine. Saying it here helps me realise I'm not overreacting.

I actually hate him a bit right now. He will stay in MY home and MY dad and let me leave. He's selfish and ignorant and I hate him. I don't want to be divorced after less than a year of marriage. I don't want to be a single parent. But I don't want THIS life I've got either.

Please tell your sister Ahoy. Tell her everything. She'll support you

You need to get away from them both
His phrasing is interesting "husband not boyfriend", no?
This prick knows exactly what he is doing. He does not love you at all.

Tell everyone about the abuse. You've done nothing wrong.

He's minimising, and he will hold this weekend against you.

Your dad is selling you out to this prick

I am so glad you have a good head on your shoulders. I hope you can access the RL backup you need to get yourself out of this situation.

There's no law that means you have to share a home with this jerk, so at least that's something to work towards - ring the council tomorrow and ask if you can get on their housing list right now.

I can't believe he's in your dads house refusing to go?! So what if you're married- you're not chained to him (clearly, seeing as he can go on 12 hour drinking binges).

The travel lodge sounds great. X

Any woman who thinks a baby will be enough to change an abusive man needs to ask themselves why they don't think they are enough on their own.

OP you should be able to tell your dad your marriage is over and you want his support in getting your DH out of the home that isn't his and your dad's only response should be whatever you want me to do DD. You shouldn't have to justify your choice.

Good idea. Go to the travel lodge and relax.

But I do think you need to tell them everything. Yes, it feels humiliating and embarrassing to talk about. The biggest mistake I made was not telling his family about it. He's got them mostly convinced that I'm being unreasonable, and he's pretty much convinced himself at this point that he has done nothing wrong and he's the victim because I told him it was over.

And he's banking on you not telling anyone. He was horrified that I told anyone - because in his opinion I'm overreacting. (sound familiar?)

He apologised over and over. (He'll do this for awhile, but then it'll reach a point where he doesn't even bother to apologise as he figures it's his right to behave this way - he'll find excuses. I was drunk, I was tired, I wasn't feeling well, the kids were acting up, it was a day ending in Y....)

He promised he'd do whatever I asked in order to fix it or make it up to me. Except of course the one thing I asked him to do. Stop doing it. He'd say he would, but he never did. And the excuses started again.

Don't let them convince you that you are overreacting. You are not. They are UNDER reacting. They are MINIMISING. They are WRONG.

Ring Womens Aid and talk to them.

It sounds like you're getting quite angry OP, and that makes me smile. You have every right to be angry with this entitled wanker. Clearly, he is not expecting you to stick to your plans, but he'll soon realise you're serious. I hope you have a nice, relaxing evening at the hotel and can take that time and space to work out your next move.

Please tell your sister. Let her make the decision.

No matter what was going on if you were my sister I would drop it like a shot to help you if remotely possible.

Lovely people don't get so drunk they become abusive OP. Every time he chooses to drink 30 pints he is accepting that he will treat you like shit and not caring.

Getting away from him is a great start, now promise yourself you won't take him back without him showing that he's committed to changing for good, and not just saying it.

We're all behind you OP

Again, OP, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. The problem with having hundreds of Mumsnetters all telling you the same thing is that it inevitably at some point starts to read like badgering! but I don't think there's one woman telling you to hang on in there, my husband used to do this, and now it's all fine... unless I missed one (or unless the DH in question stopped drinking).

All I can tell you is this: if you take steps now to make sure that active alcoholism is not something you tolerate in your life, then the most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead of you, not behind you.

By the way, SDTG, not competing here, just adding to the positive message: I will complete 29 years of 100% continuous sobriety this year entirely courtesy of AA. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop me from doing completely fatheaded things that cause me endless mortification, but that's just because I'm a complete idiot sometimes, not because I'm drunk. Here's a and a to sober idiocy.

I too am the child of an alcoholic, and a stepmum who enabled & suffered alongside.

I haven't spoken to my father for almost 10 years, I'm angry that so much of my childhood was tainted.

Look after yourself OP

Shows how much of a shit he couldn't give about your feelings that he's back already. It's all about him and his perceived 'right' to stay in your father's home against your express wishes. I'm not surprised you're angry! Enjoy the Travelodge and good luck with your next steps.

Dolores, I congratulate you on your sobriety- what a magnificent achievement.

SDTG, you must be very proud of your husband. I'm so pleased he has made this positive change for you both.

He certainly won't change his behaviour while your dad is enabling him.

I am sorry you find yourself amid such a shower of fuckwits x

Ahoy - you need to tell your dad the unvarnished truth - all the things you have told us here. If he knows the whole truth, hopefully your dad will stand by you and throw your dh out.

Getting thrown out by you and your dad might be the kick up the backside he needs to get sober and stay sober. If he can stay at your home, being backed up by your dad in his view of you as unreasonable, he will have no reason the change.

Tell people the truth about him. It is the best thing to do - for you, so that you get the support and understanding you deserve, and for him, to give him that kick up the backside.

And huge congratulations, Dolores - you have done amazingly.

Thank you too to those who have said such nice things about dh. I told him what you were saying, and he said, "I know"!! . He was doing the ironing at the time, so I reckon he's allowed!

Ok, up thread, you told me it was not that black and white. Yes it is. It really is. If you stay with this man, both your and your unborn child's lives will be ruined. The constant nervousness, how will he be when he gets in? You won't want him alone with the baby, you won't have enough money as he'll have pissed it all away - blah, blah, blah. You have a choice now. Before the baby is born. Get the hell out of there. Your dad is doing you no favours by minimising this - but this is a sweet vulnerable little baby we are talking about. A baby that could very well end up dead due to the actions of its alcoholic father - all he'd have to do would be slip and fall, pick him or her up a bit too roughly when drunk, leave the gas on or whatever. Normal people don't do those things and put their families at risk. Please leave OP - and I say that as the child of a high functioning alcoholic who wasn't violent. I still wish it hasn't taken my mum 27 years to leave my dad. Do you want your child growing up thinking the same?

Can't believe YOU are the one going to a travel lodge....I hope he is fucking ashamed of himself.

Awful

Told my sister via text, she said she would be here in a few hours and of course I could stay with her.

I don't drive, and it's stupidly left me so dependant on others. We always had the money for new outfits and nights out, but co-incidentally never the money for my driving lessons. The cynic in me who has seen abuse threads on MN before thinks that maybe DH didn't want me to have that extra independence, and he liked that he had to pick me up from work every day etc. I don't think DH thinks that conciously mind, but I do think it a bit.

I went downstairs to our room - DH was peacefully sleeping off his hangover. I woke him up, and told him how selfish he is. That because he wouldn't leave, I was going to stay with DSis which would mean a 90min commute to work each way tomorrow. I said to dad "PLEASE tell him to leave" and DH said "ok ok I'm going". I didn't see what he left with, but I doubt he got all his work stuff together so quickly, so no doubt he'll try and come back. Dad just patted me on the shoulder awkwardly while it was happening.

If DH stays away, I won't go to my Dsis's. If he comes back, I know she'd come and get me if I asked. DH said I'm taking this too far. He is definitely mad I've told people.

I can't tell anyone about his aggression yet. Because IF things are different this time, and IF he changes, they don't need to know.

And I agree you need a break from the lot of them....hopefully he will do the honourable thing and leave you alone to give you head space.

Dreadful you are having to deal with this....
You are Pregnant for goodness sake about time your Dh and family realised this

You are doing so well.

Don't ever think he's not abusive, by the way. He is. Physically, emotionally, financially.

You will find life so much easier without him, I absolutely promise you.

I feel for you - it is embarrassing telling people about your private affairs but they need all the facts. Tell your sister and she can tell your Dad if you feel you can't.
The problem with aggressive drunks (or indeed all drunks) is that they often don't have any recollection of what they've done as they are totally pissed. Therefore they are convinced of their innocence and your over reaction and are convincing to other people.

Just seen your update- good on you OP. I wish you and your baby all the luck in the world.