DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

That took courage, that did, OP.

He swore on the babies life he would never touch another drop. And I don't really believe him. And more than that, I don't want him to stop drinking completely, because it's not sustainable, I know that. One night out with his dad/brother/cousins and they would all be like "oh come on mate, ignore your missus, have a few!" And he would. I sit want to be the nagging wife that stops him drinking ever, when no-one but me thinks he has a problem.

Dad walked in on me crying, and I told him I had asked DH to leave. Explained I didn't like DH when he was drunk, but didn't go into detail. I told him about how I'd say on the doorstep in the cold, and he didn't even ask if I was ok or check to see if I got in ok before he turned around. Dad said "oh sweetie. It's just so difficult because you're be drinking. If you were drinking, you'd be fun and these things wouldn't bother you".

And that hurts too :( My dad who I adore just thinks it's ok and I'm being a bit unreasonable.

DH didn't take anything with him when he left, so I know he will be back. He doesn't expect me to stick with my ultimatum that I want him out, since I've never stuck with anything before. If he comes back, I will ring my lovely sister (who possibly would see his drinking as more unreasonable, she doesn't socialise in circles like I do), and I'll go stay with her.

I'm adamant I want some space, but I don't want to split from him for good. I just want him to realise I mean it this time, and that he needs to change. :(

In AlAnon (sorry to sound like a broken record) you will also learn the damage caused by enabling behaviour - essentially, behaviour on the part of those that surround and support the addict that enables him/her to continue in their addiction.

By insisting that he leave now (or by leaving him), you will be breaking with that behaviour, and leaving him to face the consequences of his addiction. If you love him, do it - because it may be what he needs to get help himself. As long as you're there, "I can't be that bad, can I?" will be what he tells himself. With luck, it'll be a different story once he has to say "my wife and child live somewhere else because I can't stop drinking to excess." (Which he might not say, of course, depends how deluded he is, but that's not the point!)

As a footnote, recovery from addiction is possible (I'm living testimony to that), although I will concede that it is relatively rare and requires work. You wouldn't be the first family to reunite once continuous and stable recovery has been established, though it can be a bit of a rocky road and, to be frank, I suspect it's the exception rather than the rule. I wouldn't want to give you false hope on this. But I think it's important for you to know that your husband can get help, and it's not impossible for this story to have a good ending - even if you don't reunite. Just to be absolutely clear, though - I do believe that your departure (or his) is an essential part of that story.

Sorry to drone on.

I'm afraid you've nailed it If he saw me upset, it would tear him apart. But not enough for him to change, I know that

Your dad likes him.well yes.one would hope he would like his son in law. But and here the but your father must prioritise you.if you want your dh to leave,your dad must support you

Re terminology. I think you've conceptualised problem drinker as shambolic,lost it all.and you're thinking but he's got job,and gets tanked few times. But bottom line is he's drinking 30+ pints! won't stop!fights with you. Verbal and physical altercations

This is really grim

Talk to mw, let her know of the situation

If you were drinking, you'd be fun?

You need to tell him about the violence but TBH your dad is a twat.

Damn these cross posts. OK, short and sweet - get him out, go to Al Anon (while you are still pregnant and not with baby in tow) and then make your decisions.

It's a great shame that your DH appears to think that the solution is for neither of you to be sober, and while I know that people don't always understand these situations, I hope you can see that he is being a little short-sighted in this instance.

"He swore on the babies life he would never touch another drop. And I don't really believe him".

They all say that, swearing on the baby's life indeed. Pah!!!, he's being pathetic.

You are right not to believe him.

You cannot help him either; you can only help your own self here by leaving him. If he has indeed gone, for god's sake do not take him back.

Sorry - a crap load of spelling mistakes there - stupid phone.

I will look into Al-Anon. I remember looking into it a few years back, when I first started noticing the red flags. I was on the laptop when he came in once, and he said I wasn't listening to him (I genuinely don't hear him, my hearing is awful) and he grabbed the laptop out of my hand and threw it against the wall. I'll have to find the thread I posted on then under a different name, but I remember what it said. Lots of "leave while you are young and not tied down. You don't want to bring a child into this". I'm an idiot.

But it's not like he's the only man I've ever been with- I've dated many men, and am reasonably attractive/ well educucated etc (and modest too, clearly!) and no-one has ever made me as happy as he has. No-one has ever hurt me as bad either admittedly, but I can't imagine meeting anyone else who would make me happier.

You know he'll go out wet baby head and get hammered when baby born
So you leave,stay at sister and your dad and husband remain living together?thats not right
I hope I'm not pessimistic bit he won't change.youre married to a problem drinker

"Dad walked in on me crying, and I told him I had asked DH to leave. Explained I didn't like DH when he was drunk, but didn't go into detail. I told him about how I'd say on the doorstep in the cold, and he didn't even ask if I was ok or check to see if I got in ok before he turned around. Dad said "oh sweetie. It's just so difficult because you're be drinking. If you were drinking, you'd be fun and these things wouldn't bother you".

You poor thing.
You are surrounded by people who are deeply stupid.
Try not to be hurt. Try to recognise and value your own strength in seeing that this life lived propped up by alcohol is not normal. And that your family are seriously skewed .

Incidentally, that thing where you're the only one who thinks he has a problem and all his mates don't? That's because he surrounds himself with drunken imbeciles as well. There's a reason for that.

I implore you, OP, do not go down the road of telling him he's got to rein it in. If that worked, he'd have stopped this behaviour long ago. The world's full of drunks who keep trying to rein it in.

You're not an idiot, Ahoy, you are in love and this has blinkered you to the reality of what he's like. You haven't done anything about it before, but you can now. Calling yourself an idiot is blaming yourself and this isn't your fault.

I'm very concerned that your dad doesn't seem to think this is a big deal- it IS a big deal.

Is your dad a drinker too?

Well done. Your dad is wrong. You will find the support you need if you look for it. You have the strength to do this for you and the baby.

You may actually get through to him. He may seek help. But at least now you are not burying your head and you are giving your baby the best chance in life.

Good luck

"But it's not like he's the only man I've ever been with- I've dated many men, and am reasonably attractive/ well educucated etc (and modest too, clearly!) and no-one has ever made me as happy as he has. No-one has ever hurt me as bad either admittedly, but I can't imagine meeting anyone else who would make me happier".

Or subsequently make you unhappier. And you're bringing a child into this mess as well.

All the above is your co-dependency talking. It's high time your own relationship standards got dragged a hell of a lot higher, also you ignored and or minimised the red flags in this person some years back. Why did you do that?.

And your dad is no decent role model to you either is he?. You've previously written about him as well and he, not too put too fine a point on it, is also a mess.

Another domestic abuse fact for you OP - when women are making moves to remove themselves from an abusive situation, they are often talked into going back by genuinely well meaning friends and family, who also minimise and normalise abusive behaviours. They think they have a good grasp of what is really going on, when they rarely actually do.

Your father is being extremely short sighted on this issue.

Thirty pints?
Thirty pints??

That an intelligent woman would even consider getting involved with someone as screamingly dysfunctional as this is beyond belief.

Tell your sister everything

You've already protected him by not telling your dad the whole truth.

If he knew that he'd been violent would he still support your h? If he would then you definitely need to leave his house too.

"I will look into Al-Anon. I remember looking into it a few years back, when I first started noticing the red flags... he grabbed the laptop out of my hand and threw it against the wall. I'll have to find the thread I posted on then under a different name, but I remember what it said. Lots of "leave while you are young and not tied down. You don't want to bring a child into this".

I can't remember when I last read something that so beautifully illustrated one simple fact: alcoholism is a progressive illness.

"no-one has ever made me as happy as he has. No-one has ever hurt me as bad either admittedly, but I can't imagine meeting anyone else who would make me happier."

I beg you, read your own posts. This is part of the insanity that partners of alcoholics start to drop into.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. (((Hugs)))

I'll tell you my story.

Three weeks ago my dh collapsed and couldn't get out of bed. A combination of stress, overwork, recovering from a bad cough/cold, and binge drinking for months -years- finally led him to see his gp and a diagnosis of depression, alcoholism, and inflammation of the liver.

When sober he is such a lovely man. When drunk he is verbally aggressive and has fallen asleep with the oven on or the hob on when no one else is at home.

There have been times when it was better and other times when worse. I kept hoping out would change and told him we wouldn't have kids until he sorted himself out.

He has been off the drink now for 10 days and believes he will die if he drinks again due to bad state of his liver. He has been to see a consultant this week and last for tests and scans of blood, kidneys, liver, brain. Now that he's quit his prognosis is good. Liver is 2 to 3 times the size it should be but has minimal scarring. He's going in for a colonoscopy later in the month and liver biopsy, so not all clear yet.

Doctor is amazed he looks as good as he does consider ing he was drinking almost a bottle of vodka a night for the past couple of months.

I have been so worried for so long and we were fighting about the drinking for so long.

Horrible it took this as a wake-up call, but I think it will actually work.

I really hope it works out for you. Your husband should see his gp for a general health check. He's killing himself.

So you have to drink to be fun? Wow.

Well done OP. My advice is pack a bag for him for a week just now, give it to whoever he is staying with and do not cave.

You need this time to think clearly and he needs to reflects. I'm not saying he can't change, he can. If he wants to.

Hope it all works out for you but do not to get into a position that means you can't leave if or when you need to.

Save some money (a running away fund). Tell your Dad everything and if you have to tell his family too. I told my ExH family, they didn't support me as they are all heavy drinkers. His might support you and in turn your husband.

Good luck.

I can well imagine my own father in the same situation. He would dismiss the seriousness of it too - no doubt about it. My dad is another pisshead who thinks it's all grand.
I mean yes, his alcoholism and binge drinking destroyed his marriage and his relationship with his kids (I had no contact with him for over 20 years owing to his drunken rages, abuse and selfishness), but that was my mother's fault, not his.

I am the child of your scenario OP. Your dad, my dad, your husband, your bil and sil....all of them....WRONG!

OP, I posted last night with a heavy heart 'knowing' that your blind love for your husband was going to ruin you. I'm thrilled to read you've been brave enough to tell your family what's been going on (although they really do need to know everything). Your dad is, indeed, deeply stupid and I would look elsewhere for support.

Please, please try to see that there is a much larger creature looming in your relationship than this 'amazing' love you have between you. It cancels out all the good stuff and will destroy yours and your child's lives. You must begin to see there is no hope here until and unless he gets help. You need to start thinking of a life somewhere away from your dad's. It's time you left him, too.

Your dad doesn't get it. You're surrounded by drinkers.

My dad likes a drink and is a working class bloke- if a man left one of his daughters sat on a step, pregnant, then turned around and went off again he would be angry. He'd think the bloke wasn't a proper 'man'.