DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

And I recognise that the OP has probably gone from this thread, back to her husband, but I hope that the next time he is out drinking and she is at home wondering when he will be back and what he will do when he is, that she reads this thread again and takes some of the excellent advice.

The biggest worry for me is the violence. Will he push you when you are holding a newborn? Will he beat you with a pillow if the baby is alongside you? How would he react to the baby screaming when he comes in from a night out.

And the drink driving is horrifying. Will he drive with the baby when he is over the limit?

OK OP, I think you will give him one last chance (& then another & then another) so I wont echo what EVERYBODY else has said so far.

I left my alcoholic & drug addicted exH when my DS2 was four months old. It can be done & when you reach that point, start another thread & we will help you. Just because you don't take our advice now doesn't mean you cant post again for help if you need it.

In the meantime open a bank account, have the statements online & make sure nobody except you knows it exists. Start getting some money together so you are able to run in the night if you need to. Talk to your dad.

Will read all the posts later. I asked him to leave. He says I'm being crazy, I'm unreasonable, I'm hormonal. He said as soon as he woke up this morning, he ring SIL and swore he'd never touch a drop again while I'm pregnant.

He's following me around apologising, and I'm almost hysterically crying at him (I'm not putting across all your reasoned logical posts very well!).

He said he wouldn't leave, so I messaged his family. His brothers, sister and parents. Told him we had been having issues, and I'd asked him to leave to give me some space. I told them I wanted a week, and if one if them could have him that would be great.

He's angry and embarrassed I've involved his family, and I have no doubt at all they will all think I'm just doing this because of hormones and that I'm overreacting. But he's going anyway. For now. Will re-read the thread properly now.

Me too Jelly

No matter what any of us say, how we chuck the reality of her marriage at her, harshly or not, she is nowhere near ready to take a stand against his drink problem and abuse.
Her friends and family are on his side (as is so often the way in these situations) because she keeps how bad it actually is a secret from them. She doesn't want them to know the truth about him...because if other people know, it becomes real.
It's easy to confess to us, because our opinions don't matter. If we say something she doesn't want to hear, she can say "oh what do they know? Bunch of strangers on the internet? Who cares!" and carry on gaily minimising and normalising his obscene drinking and resultant disgusting treatment of her, telling herself it isn't so bad really, and that he loves her and will change.

The realisation of what she's got is what she's going to get will take time, and a lot more of her pain, and his crocodile tears, before she's had enough.

This thread is the tip of the iceberg, that's all.
But those cogs are starting to turn...and that's how it works.

(((((Hugs)))))

You have done the right thing.

He won't touch another drop whilst you're pregnant. So, what happens when you've had the baby? He goes back on the booze? Not good enough

Well done, OP, sounds like you have been incredibly brave especially given the lack of support from family. A week's breathing space sounds like a really good idea

well done, Oxx

Wow - cross posted or what??

OP - well done!! Very impressed with you! I didn't see that coming at all!

You are absolutely right to tell people what has been happening. You don't owe him your silence, and his embarrassment is neither here nor there I'm afraid. You are not responsible for it - that's his own privilege.

You done GOOD.

Good for you, now make sure you stick to your guns. Make sure you only allow him back when and if you have had enough time to think and decided what you want. He will promise you the world, but what he says no longer matters, it is what he does. You need to be absolutely sure of what you want. And he will not suddenly turn a corner and change, no matter what he says. Change could take years, if it happens. And only giving up drink 'while you are pregnant', really does say it all. He really doesn't see what he is doing, does he. You do not want a drunk on your hands with a baby too.

Good start OP take as much time as you can to consider the future and if he should be in it as a husband.

Someone upthread suggested Al Anon meetings, they can be good. As can CoDA meetings (codependency).

You're making excuses for him. Drinking 10 pints is not normal, 12 hour drinking sessions are not normal and 30 pints could kill him. If he doesn't stop drinking completely your relationship is doomed. Stop excusing his appalling behaviour.

So he's said he'll stop drinking while you're pregnant....but I assume then he'll start up again once baby is born...that'll be something for you to look forward too...not!!!!

Good luck OP....

Well done.

His 'not drinking while your pg' isn't enough. Will he start again with a newborn?! 6 week? 6 month old baby?

You are not hormonal. You are not hysterical. You are being the sensible, responsible grown up.

Be strong x

Your crazy, hormonal, embarrassed him in front of family?
And this is the man who wants you to believe he is sorry?
Keep him out.

Sorry cross posted. Glad you've taken a firm stand. It's not good enough to just stop drinking while you're pregnant. It needs to be forever. It really doesn't sound as though he can ever have a healthy relationship with alcohol.

He's an alcoholic. You can't change him but he can change himself. Doesn't mean he won't be a good dad. He can get help. Google alcoholism and have a look for support for both of you.

Focus on yourself and your baby.

I asked him to leave. He says I'm being crazy, I'm unreasonable, I'm hormonal.
Yes...it's YOU that's in the wrong. That's the way to address it - blame someone else! Always a peach that!

He's following me around apologising - why? Is that the magic make-it-all-better word? He's already told you that you're crazy and hormonal and in the event of you not agreeing that you are the problem here, he's trying good old fail safe 'sorry'.
Churn it out and hope for the best eh?

He's not taking you seriously whatsoever. Stick to your guns lady!!

He won't drink again while you're pregnant?

I guess that gives you your answer about having a baby making him "grow up".

You CANNOT bring a baby into a home like this.

It's not fair.

OP, I'm as horrified as everyone else and I'm really glad you've taken a first step. It must've taken real guts for you to contact his family about it.

They all think you're being hormonal and are overreacting but they are wrong. Let them think that, it doesn't matter.

I hope you will feel able to let him know that he needs to be gone for a lot longer than a week- possibly forever, depending on the choices he makes in the coming months.

For me personally, I would need to see at least a year of total abstinence, along with intensive professional help to consider continuing the relati

Good luck OP.

But I wish so hard you could see how lovely he can be. How much my (very lovely very normal non-drinking) family adore him. How when he is sober, he worships the ground I walk on

Well wouldn't that just be perfect if he was always sober then eh - but hes not. Im sorry to sound harsh but I've seen threads like this many times before and generally they just go round and round in circles until the OP faces the painful truth - that they have to leave for their own mental and physical safety. And I've got a feeling its going to happen here.

relationship. Silly iPhone.