DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

Op I made my ex leave when ds2 was 6 months old
I already had ds1 who was 3

Ds1 who is now 12 remembers the rows, the shouting, from when he was little. The difference between the two boys is startling. Please don't out yourself and your baby through that - it will have a lasting effect on you both

All the time he surrounds himself with family and "friends" who consider this normal and acceptable behaviour he won't change . Unfortunately you can't do this for him , nor can you make him prioritise you and in turn your baby. Please start making alternative arrangements for the birth and afterwards. Tell your mw that he is an alcoholic as you may need their assistance if he turns up at the hospital drunk. This should be a special time for you both but if he is opting out by behaving as if he is single lager lout, at least ensure it is special for yourself. It may seem like a lonely and frightening road to move on without him but it can't be any worse than spending long nights wondering whether he'll reappear, and if so in what state and with what consequences. Wishing you and the baby well.

I can completely understand why you didn't leave him before, you wanted to give him one more chance. That is admirable. He has now blown that chance. I'm so sorry he has put alcohol before you and your dc. He shouldn't be drinking if he's your birth partner, and he shouldn't be out of communication.

How are you going to cope at 38 weeks when you can't get hold of him?

I would definitely line up another birth partner now.

He isn't going to change :( he's shown that.

Look at the actions, don't listen to the words.

Life will be easier without this stress. Worrying about where he is and when he'll be back, when you've been up all night long with a screaming new born, will be horrific. How will you know he's sober enough to hold his dc the day after he staggers in for a binge? How will you cope with him drunk and snoring when you're up all night (again) with a grouchy baby?

He doesn't have you trapped just because you are pregnant. you're stronger than that. You gave him the ultimatum, you gave him a chance and he threw it back at you :(

You and your dc deserve so much more.

I'd been having back pains on one side and feelin sick since like 4am this morning, and by 10am it was awful so I rang the labour ward who told me to go in for monitoring. Baby was fine - they had me on a trace for an hour and everything came back fine, so they couldn't figure out what it was. DH got home just before I called the cab to the hospital (he insisted his was fine to drive, obviously), and came with me.

He sobered up a bit in the hospital and I think it hit home a bit seeing me in pain. I was crying and I told him he should have been there for me through the night when I was worried about what it was. I told him he couldn't drink for the rest of the pregnancy and when baby was newborn because I needed him and I couldn't do it alone etc. He agreed and seemed to have some insight into this and was saying "I know, I need to be with it so I can understand what the drs are saying etc if you are out of it".

I can't leave him pregnant, it's too much. Leaving him with a newborn wouldn't be difficult - we're still living with dad, I have a small buffer in savings, I've got my driving test coming up, so it would be him that would leave and me and baby would stay. I just can't deal with that now.

I know he'll always be like that if he's drinking, and the payoff between lovely him and drunk him isn't worth it anymore. I just don't have the energy to deal with the pleading/begging etc right now.

Ahoy. :(

I'm glad everything was ok.
Please bear in mind that this man was happy to drive his heavily pregnant wife to the hospital drunk

I dont think you can see how shocking that is from the outside.

He could have killed you if you hadn't said no (I'm assuming you got a taxi!)

He could have killed you and your baby :( that's how blind and selfish he is.

If he can not drink for this bit and you'd prefer he was there (and can trust him, really? Not even one at the 30th? Are you sure he can do that?) then that is your choice entirely. But you're sending him the message that your ultimatum meant nothing, and after one month he can do what he wants :(

I told him he couldn't drink for the rest of the pregnancy and when baby was newborn

Please go back to Al-Anon. You need to recognise that this conversation was a waste of your energy at a time when you need it for other things. I'm glad you're doing okay after your scare overnight.

Sorry to say he'll think he can have one or two and be fine and you will be back to square one. Please make back up plans for labour and don't rely on him. He is lying to himself at this stage as well as you, that's why he sounds so convincing as its not really you he's saying this to, its himself.

You know deep down he is going to let you down so don't leave yourself in danger , alone with no support. You know he will have to go and I understand you feel you have too much on your plate now.

Make plans, start now and when you have had the baby do a little bit each day towards putting them in motion. If you put it all out of our mind you will be stuck lurching from one disaster to the next constantly tackling the results and fallout from his drinking and never addressing the damage it has done.

Continue to save and have all ID and copies of bank statements somewhere close at hand, you may well have to move out to get away from it as your father is also deeply entrenched in drinking culture. Do tell him the full extent of your H's behaviour and if he still thinks you would find it fun to be screamed at and shoved around and hit, then he is not someone you should be living with.

Keep the momentum going and do something, ensure that instead of feeling drained by each incident it strengthens your resolve and you do something more to get you out of that situation.

You may well find that a switch flips in your head once you have had the baby and these choices become easier as it will not be about rescuing your husband from himself anymore. You will recognise he is an adult and has made his own choices and that you now need to be a voice for someone who doesn't have one of their own yet and make sure they aren't treated as bottom of the list to drink.

finally ultimatums have to have consequences or you will forever be in a I just can't deal with it right now situation and your child will have grown up having to deal with this too. Don't put them through that, get through the end of your pregnancy and protect them from what drink has done to their father by getting them out of there.

Ahoy, I have read your whole thread and really feel for you.

Good on getting on with that driving licence!

Holding your hand.

I was in an abusive relationship (MH issues, not alcohol) and ended up going into labour at 36 weeks. DS was a month premature (incubator etc.).
I, m sure it was an effect due to the situation, someone did mention it upthread.
Wishing you all the best.

Op my ex said that when I was pregnant with ds1
I remember refusing to go home with him the next day, in tears, because he'd been out 'wetting the baby's head' and was hungover and shouting at me because he couldn't work the car seat

I am so sorry that things are no better for you. My heart goes out to you - this is such a horrible position to be in. But his drinking is not your fault - and I don't blame you for doing a bit of head-in-the-sand since February - pregnancy is not a time when we want to take major, scary, life-altering decisions. We want the security of what we know.

I suspect that, once you have the baby, it will become easier, because it will be about protecting that tiny, precious life - someone you will love more than life itself. I think it will be easier to make that scary, life-altering decision when you are doing it for the sake of a baby who deserves better than a drunk for a father.

I am 10 weeks pregnant with first baby and just can't imagine how awful you must be feeling. I know how vulnerable I am starting to feel and all the thoughts I have about what our little family will be like and what kind of dad DH will be etc. He is treating you so badly.

But it IS an illness and if he won't accept treatment and help, I can't see how this will ever change. He won't be able to change it himself and it sounds like he doesn't see the need or have the family to make him.

Please don't blame yourself. It is natural to want your marriage to work, especially now. But you were so clear- sighted and determined in February. If he isn't going to be the husband and father you want and need him to be, you do have the strength to make that decision and make it work for you and the baby.

You deserve so much more than this.

Oops, forgot to say, I gave this to my DH to read and he was disgusted by him. He said 'If he won't do it now, for his baby and wife, there will never be anything to make him do it. Why would he ever feel anything is more important than this? '

I think he's right, however hard that thought is for you to think about.

My dad wasa lovely dad, when he was sober
He was lovely husband when he was sober
He was nice to my friends, when he was sober

You can see where this is going.

When I was growing up my mum worked ft as it was the only reliable source of income, she kept the rent paid, food on the table

There would be weekends when we never saw dad or knew where he was
As a drunk dad he was frightening, scary, demanding, unreasonable...
By my teens I was frightened to bring pals to the house, didn't know which dad was going to be him that day.
I became isolated

Mum tried to get him to change, kept hoping, believed the promises

My parents divorced. Mum was happier without the strain and worry, my siblings thrived.

I was pregnant , dad was supposed to be coming to us for Christmas dinner, he pulled one of his benders. I spent the day phoning around hospitals working myself into a frenzy til DH said enough he's an adult, go rest. I vowed then he would not affect my kids, he didn't, his contact was closely monitored and supervised

My dad surrounded himself with like minded people
"We're not alcoholics, just social drinkers"
In his last days in hospital not one of his "cronies" visited.

What do you envisage lies ahead for you and your child?

My dad wasn't even a lovely dad when he was sober, because he was invariably hungover and would scream at us for breathing in his vicinity because he felt like shit.
Complete arsehole really.

You know how they say that for women the moment you find out you are pregnant, you change, and from that moment you realise there is someone more important etc? And that for men it doesn't really hit them until the baby is actually here and they are holding it in their arms? I guess that's what I'm clinging to. That for some reason he will hold our baby and he will REALISE that he needs to change. It won't happen, I know that. But I don't want to leave him until I've given him that chance. Until I can see there is a baby here that needs him and he priorities drink over the baby - then I feel like it will be easy for me to act. Not sure I'm making sense.

And for the record, he's done nothing today apart from sleep off his hangover. There wasn't a card, there were no flowers, he didn't load the dishwasher. Nothing.

:( It wouldn't have taken much thought in one of his more sober moments .

Sorry your wedding anniversary has been so awful. Good luck with the birth and your baby, I wish you both the best.

Yeah, we all think that. We are all wrong.
He can still have the opportunity for this great epiphany if you and the baby are living elsewhere, and you both will be 100% better off.

There will always be something to hang on for. At some point you will have to decide to get off the merry-go-round. I think we all understand why you find it so impossible to imagine that being now, but in reality you may find it harder when the baby is here, and you are tired and overwhelmed, not easier. At least start to plan your support network, lay the groundwork now. And please do consider Al-Anon. I think you know you'll be back here next Sunday when he's got hammered at the party.

Ahoy, if you leave him now, he meets dc when he/she is born and changes (not just saying he will, but seeks help, gets himself on a programme, stops drinking etc.) then you could rebuild if you decided too. Leaving him now doesn't mean he can't have that eureka moment (as unlikely as it is). But it does mean you have drawn your line in the sand and said, "I will not be treated like this."

It's so sad to see you accepting such treatment.

It's your wedding anniversary!

I understand OP, but please realise that next you will holding out for when baby is a bit older and he finds him/her easier to bond with. Then you'll be holding out for when baby is a bit older again and isn't such hard work. Then you'll be holding out for whatever it is you'll tell yourself is the problem is then. There will always be 'whens' and 'if onlys'. Women in marriages like yours cling to them desperately, as you say.

One day you'll have had enough. x

AhoyMcCoy I feel really worried for you and your baby.

I have the most placid, kind and considerate DH (second marriage so feel I can brag deservedly!) and the newborn stage pushed us both to the very edge of our tolerance. Sleep deprivation, the new found exhaustion of having a little being totally dependent on you...it's a lot to deal with. The first 6 months have the highest highs but they are often balanced by the lowest lows.

I understand that you are clinging to the hope that the birth of your child will bring out the best in him...sadly this is unlikely. Most of us mere mortals will find it tests us to the limits, even bringing out the worst. Do you really trust that this man, coming home, insightless into just how drunk he is, will handle this little baby gently, carefully, appropriately. They are just so fragile. One angry, drink fuelled incident could be all it takes to make you regret the decision to stay forever.

It is very sad to read here of a woman that doesn't believe that her and her baby doesn't deserve better.

He won't change when the baby comes, OP. You know it, we know it and he knows it too.

I'm sorry that he hadn't even got you a card, he doesn't sound so amazing when he's not drunk either :(

Oh Ahoy, Ive just read this whole thread and its made me cry. Im much more of a lurker than a poster but I wanted to say that you and baby are worth so much more than this. Im so sorry this is happening to you.

I grew up in a very angry home, fuelled by my fathers drinking. My mum did her best but it destroyed our family and left DM, DB and myself a bunch of nervous wrecks. Ive been nc with my father now for 12 years but still have issues. Please please dont put yourself and your baby through any more of this. You only get one life