DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

I think people will empathise with you being pregnant and hoping all will be okay, but you can't continue like this - it's not fair on you or the baby. It must be more stressful living that way than kicking him out and dealing with a newborn on your own. I can't believe he's getting that smashed when you're 36 weeks, it's just irresponsible and disrespectful.

Sorry I have read the whole thread but forgotten bits - can you afford to kick him out? I don't he deserves to be around you at the moment.

And yes he is abusive. Also surprised his friends haven't raised an eyebrow at him doing this while you're heavily pregnant.

He had escalated and already admitted he'll be too busy drinking to be present when the child he wanted will be born. Drink is now his only priority and it sounds like you know it. The others will see only when he works himself to the state of losing everything. However as his relationship with you and your child should be top priority it's the first thing that will go. As to the others he still seems relatively normal it will be your fault. In fact so will everything else. Years later when you have long moved on you will be the source of all his ills, to him.

Mourn the person he could have been and the relationship you could have had. Take a bit of time to plan your exit but not too long because in the coming weeks it will get worse and be prepared to go immediately should he threaten yours and your child's safety. Small babies are very easily damaged and drunk people have no control over there own strength, which is one of the many reasons it's never a good idea to drink around them.

Don't get stuck in the relationship because you are so exhausted fighting fires you can't think straight.

Yes he's with friends on these drinking sessions, or brothers/cousins/family. None of them think his drinking is odd at all. One of the friends he was out with last night has a 32 week pregnant partner at home himself and drinks similar amounts as frequently, if not more.

Last weekend DH's drinking session went from 12pm Saturday afternoon to 9am Sunday morning. We saw his family on Sunday afternoon who think that's funny. My dad laughed when he found out. There isn't one person around me who will say to him "what do you think you're doing?! That's not normal."

Alcoholics tend mainly to mix mainly with people who also have drink problems.

You will also need to separate yourself from the many family enablers this person has.

You need to prioritise your own self and your child now; not your H, not his family and not your family either. They've all enabled and excused all this for far too long with predictable result.

I feel for you. You're standing alone facing a crowd of fools.

I honestly can't believe it. It's not normal! My ex used to come in at 4.30/ 5am and my friends thought he was a cock for doing that when there was a baby involved. There's no hope of him changing if he's surrounded by it. :(

Big hugs for you, I've just read the whole thread, if he turns up drunk to the labour ward he might not be allowed in anyway, I'm so sorry you're going through this, being nearly 38 weeks pregnant myself it's awful worrying about someone who should be old enough to know better, for you xx

I remembered your thread when I saw the title, and thought - 'oh God I hope that's an update to say she's left him.'

Ok, first thing to say is that you now know you need to leave him, but can't see you doing it before the baby is born. As someone who has gone through the newborn stage twice, can I please please beg you to reconsider. Please.

It's a given that he will carry on drinking, and so best case scenario is that in a few weeks time you will be facing the same situation as this morning but with a baby to care for. There will be nothing so hopelessly lonely and depressing and hard in the world as that, which goes double if there is any issue with the baby- difficulties feeding, colic, even general perfectly normal hard, non-sleeping early days stuff. How, just how will you handle this when it's 10am and he's AWOL - but the difference between then and today is that you've had two hours sleep and have a crying baby in your arms that you desperately need taking from you just for a minute's rest?

The chances of you not coping, possibly developing PND, or simply just having the early days with your baby comprehensively RUINED are, I think, significantly higher if you choose to cope with that situation than the other, still very difficult option of leaving him now and doing the newborn days elsewhere.

Can you go to your sister? Seriously, could she put you up for the first couple of months? It's a huge ask, but think about it?

Secondly, do you want to say where you are? There are folk on here - me included, with all the normal caveats of sussing someone out before accepting help in RL - who would be happy to offer practical support.

Thirdly and very importantly right now, you NEED to plan backup for the birth. Again, how far are you from your sister? Please try and minimise the stress around the birth planning by telling her exactly what's going on and discussing a plan for her attending. At least then you might feel a bit more in control.

The thing I think is most disgustng - and pitiful - about this guy is the utter, bare-faced refusal - so arrogant, really - to face reality. He's pushed and pushed his version of the person he'd idly like to be, but actually has no motivation whatsoever to become, in your face so hard that you've had no strength to do anything but accept it. But in reality he's an aggressive, unintelligent, uncontrolled boor. As you've got further and further into the pregnancy and he's seen you get more tired, less able to focus on external stuff (you describe letting go of Al-Anon and turning a blind eye to his drinking as a failure, but it's not - you're simply more pregnant and thus less able to take on stuff like this, you automatically go into head-down mode) he's relaxed, started strutting again, dropped the pretence.

And do you've gone from the whining, pleading ''I'll be the best role model and best daddy, I'm for real this time, I won't let you down' PIGSHIT to you worrying that he might be too drink to be at the birth and he says 'Yeah'.

He's an utter scumbag.

Look, this morning, call your sister, tell her everything. The aggression. The promises. The whole lot. Ask her to be ready to be at the birth and tell her that you are leaving him. Soon. And see what she says.

None of them think his drinking is odd at all. One of the friends he was out with last night has a 32 week pregnant partner at home himself and drinks similar amounts as frequently, if not more.

Alcoholics have the booze equivalent of gaydar. They feel comfortable around other alcoholics because then they can all pretend that their drinking is "normal" and everyone else are boring arseholes.

The one thing I would urge you to remember is that it's nothing personal. He's not a self-centred, irresponsible lying cock because he's got something against you. He'd be a self-centred irresponsible lying cock no matter who he is with. He's not like this because of a problem with you he's like this because of a problem with him.

When we're dealing with alcoholics it's very easy to look at their lives and see how shambolic it is, how much money they waste and how badly they treat other people and realise that if they stopped drinking then a lot of those problems would go away. It seems so obvious, doesn't it? He's an arse when he drinks and so if he didn't drink he wouldn't be an arse.

But the bugger of it is... they don't have to agree. They can spend their entire lives pissing all their money up the wall and we have neither the legal nor moral right to insist that they live their lives the way we think they should.

He is living the life he wants to live. He's happy with his drinking. You cannot stop him. The question for you is this: are you living the life you want to live? If not, what can you do to change it?

I started reading your full thread this morning.

My dad was/is an alcoholic, and eventually my mum became one too. She would go to the pub with him to make sure he was okay, to make sure he came home at a reasonable time, to make sure he didn't drink too much (if he had to buy drink for her, it meant less drinking money for him).

As a child my life was hell. I absolutely hated my childhood with a passion. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. I would listen to them fighting, and arguing with each other, I dreaded the weekends, and I would worry myself sick when in school (and I mean when I was under 10 years old). I eventually became really withdrawn even with my friends, because I didn't want them to know what was going on at home, I never had friends over to the house because I never knew what state my mum/dad were going to be in.

When I was reading your posts from February, I could tell your husband wasn't going to change, I could tell you weren't going to leave him. The only people can change this is you and him. The baby being born isn't going to change him, because he doesn't think he has a problem.

Your even lying to yourself, because you aren't telling people in RL about his aggression. You do this because there is that little tiny glimmer of hope in the back of your mind that he will change.

I really really feel sorry for your baby, and I sincerely hope you find it within yourself to leave him, and give YOU AND YOUR BABY the kind of life you deserve.

You have to remember, although you say your husband is the most wonderful and loving man when he isn't drinking, he isn't that same man when he has been drinking, because a completely different personality takes over, and he has no control over it when he has alcohol in his blood.

I actually feel nervous for your baby if you stay.

oh OP I have read the thread right through and was hoping for a positive update but can see that he really doesn't give two flying fucks about you and your baby.

MN is right behind you in whatever you choose to do

So sorry to read your update - I have often thought back to this thread and wondered how you're getting on. I really hoped things would have improved for you.

He knows you won't leave whilst heavily pregnant or with a newborn either so I guess he doesn't see the need to rein in his drinking - not for your anniversary, not for your labour, not when the baby's born. He must be so confident he has you trapped. It seems likely he may miss the birth - or worse, ruin your experience by being drunk through it. He'll go out to wet the baby's head, maybe whilst you're still in hospital and then turn up to drive you and your newborn home still drunk - or not turn up at all. Think of what you could have bought the baby with the money he's spending on drink! It's heartbreaking and maddening to read, but with the support of his idiotic family behind him I don't see any prospect of him changing. I'm so sorry but all I can hope is that you find somewhere to go with your baby well away from him.

I've wondered whether I should post this so I'm not doing it lightly.

The only thing I know that allows people not to appear drunk and makes them behave like total wankers is cocaine.

Do you think that's a possibility op?

Clearly his drinking is a massive issue on it's own, but I'm worried there are multiple addiction issues at play here and you really need to think about what you're taking on. The emotional, physical an financial implications of being a family with someone with these kinds of substance abuse issues are hard going. Unfortunately if the person with the person with the problem doesn't truely see the issue, no one will convince them.

If you feel up to trying it I think al-anon could be a good starting point for you to start building your own strength to deal with this.

I'm guessing he has turned up by now and so god knows what corkscrewing around explaining why it's all fine is going on.

OP, you know what has to come next - the first step is TELLING PEOPLE.
Start talking to people you know will support you NOW, because that support can start today. You need it to get through the next few weeks whatever you decide to do about living arrangements etc.

he only thing I know that allows people not to appear drunk and makes them behave like total wankers is cocaine.

Maybe. But long-term alcoholics can stick away quite astonishing amounts of alcohol and not appear particularly drunk. Another possibility is that if you have someone who drinks every day then they may simply be going from "a bit pissed in the morning" to "very pissed at night" without ever being properly sober. So what we think of as them being sober is, actually, them being at least a bit drunk. So when they get even drunker they don't seem to change that much.

OP have you told your husband how close you are to leaving him? Not that I think it will make any difference of course, but at least he can't claim he didn't see it coming.
You need to get him out. He is very obviosuly prioritising alcohol over you. He couldn't make it more clear that you and his baby are less important than alcohol, and I think you should listen to what he's saying. He may change his mind at some point in the distant future, but right now he wants to be able to drink, and he doesn't want you and your child getting in the way of that.

I second the opinion that you are better leaving before the baby is born, for your own peace of mind.

The alcoholic in my family only woke up to their behaviour after the threats of "one more time and we'll leave" were carried through. That story has a very happy ending thankfully but the softly softly approach just prolonged the agony

Nobody can drink 30 pints. I think they would be in hospital with alcohol poisoning. Haven't read this whole thread. It would be too depressing.

He swore on your baby's life he wouldn't drink while you were pregnant.

He's a liar.

The longer you stay the harder it will be for you to leave, the more excuses you will make for him, the more adjustments you'll make to your boundaries. Until the day comes when you don't even recognise yourself any more. Then, when you finally cannot take any more, you'll find yourself having a mental breakdown.

Either that or you'll end up a shadow, a shell of your former self. Clinging on for dear life to the crumbs he throws at you to keep you putting up with his horrific behaviour.

It's completely and utterly soul destroying.

He'd miss the birth of his first born rather than miss a big drinking event in his calendar.

That's your answer, sadly. You'll be much better prepared if you stop expecting anything from him now rather than limping throug the newborn days desperately hoping he will step up.

You and you baby will be at risk from him. Imagine now that he's had a session the night before and in the morning gets in the car with your precious child whilst he's still massively over the limit. It's not difficult to imagine this scenario. My friend has finally left her husband who is very similar, and her eldest child is 15. It's a very traumatic time for her and the kids, and her husband did get physical

Actually, he probably seems unconcerned about missing the birth because he doesn't intend to miss it at all. He'll assume you won't kick him out of the birth because he has no respect for your feelings or anything you say. He'll assume the midwives won't be able to tell he's drunk because he thinks he can handle it so well. So he's not worried about the prospect and he won't believe you if you tell him he won't be present at the birth if he's been drinking. He may humour you like when he said he wouldn't drink again during your pregnancy but I doubt he has any intention of respecting anything you say.

I really think you should talk to your midwife and/or health visitor and have your concerns about his drinking documented - it may help you in the future.

As someone who is married to a recovering alcoholic, I can say it might get better, but even if it does, this could take years and years and years.

Have been with DH for 23 years and he's been dry now for 4 of them. Problem is, he has treated me v badly over the preceding 19 (and it got worse post children) during the times when he was drunk (name-calling in front of the DCs, possessive behaviour, tried to break my foot, pinned me up against wall by my throat, quit his job when we had nothing, threats of suicide - I could go on). Like your situation, when sober he could be charming - funny, generous etc., but those days got fewer and fewer, until there were no sober days. At all.

Since my DCs were born I have tried to make it work (my eldest is 10 and my youngest 5), but all the rubbish I've put up with over the years has chipped away at any love I felt for him and now I've had enough. Also, I'm, for the first time, financially in a position to stand on my own.

The important bit here is that over ten years ago I said to myself that I would leave him after DD's (my eldest) first birthday if things didn't get better. And I didn't. And I regret that massively, because it would have been much less painful for her. I am still working out what to do with my relationship, btw, as he's v v contrite etc etc now he realises I am serious about moving on, but, for me, it's really just a matter of time. We're finished and I just have to work out how to deal with this in the least painful way (if that's even possible). And that's really sad for the DCs who are now old enough to realise what is happening. I should have done it when my first was just a baby.

So, my advice is, if you feel it's not working NOW, do something about it NOW. I so, so wish I had.

I'm gutted for you op. I think you have to leave the lot of them behind.

Did you take your theory test?

When you signed off earlier in the year, you had just been to Al-Anon and gained a sense of peace about the situation: My weeks/months/years of anger and tears at his drinking have achieved nothing, so really, they were a waste of time an energy. He will either change by himself, or he won't.

You didn't stick with Al-Anon and so you've fallen off your own wagon, the wagon where you don't phone and plead with the alcoholic at 11pm because you have detached from their addiction and its emotional toll on your life.

Realistically getting away now, with the baby's birth so close, is going to be very difficult but you should try. Because life like this is going to be fucking unbearable once the baby arrives.