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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

694 replies

AhoyMcCoy · 09/02/2014 00:57

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

OP posts:
LurkingCinners · 12/02/2014 18:34

Ahoy, I read the whole thread.
You are doing well.
He doesn't get it. He doesn't respect your wishes, constantly asking to come back earlier than the week you asked for.

I hope you really see him with new eyes, now you have some distance. That's why he doesn't want that distance to continue.

Keep strong!

(The day he told me I was a slut would have been the day I kicked him out. How can you have a loving and trusting relationship with someone who treats you like shit? I think he will never change. But that's just me being old and cynical.)

AhoyMcCoy · 12/02/2014 18:47

Thank you for all the lovely encouragement! For jelly and other posters worrying about any 'comeback' against me/baby, I honestly think you are worrying unnecessarily.

It's tough to vocalise it, but you know like how in prison, there is contempt for men who harm children? That's very much his mentality. It would be SO SO unnacceptable to him to cause baby any harm, and would be viewed with absolute disgust by his family/friends (in a way hitting your wife for 'stepping out of line' might not be, IYSWIM). And don't worry for me either, I can read the signs that lead to his agression, and can usually see it coming. I promise I will leave any situation and call the police if it ever comes to that, but Hand on heart, I don't believe it will.

It's definitely easier to see him without rose tinted glasses when I'm apart from him I think. When I'm with him, he has such an infectiously wonderful personality - you can't help but want to be around him. When I see him walking towards me on the street or something, I get butterflies. But being apart from him and essentially focusing solely on his negatives have re-iterated to that tiny nagging voice in my head that everything isn't perfect, and that that treatment isn't ok.

Focusing on baby helps too (I don't know baby gender btw, when I text him to say 'imagine if your daughter', I meant 'if' it was a daughter). I think about what I would want in my baby's life, and if I wouldn't want my baby treated in a certain way, then I shouldn't accept it for myself either. It's not just DH it's helped me with either, I can think of lots of times recently I have felt belittled or brushed aside by my DMum, and it's reassured me that I know I wouldn't act to my baby the way DMum acts with me, and therefore that makes Mum's behaviour wrong, and it's not me.

OP posts:
Notalwaysabowlofcherries · 12/02/2014 18:47

Really sorry if I came across in a bossy way. Wasn't my intention at all. And to be honest, I share everyone's worries….

I was just concerned that pushing Ahoy too far too fast might make her run in the opposite direction if that makes sense.

I suspect most of us on this thread would have kicked him out and filed for divorce the minute he did any of those things, but when you aren't used to being assertive it can be hard to do a massive life change.

Apologies again if I sounded like I was trying to appoint myself Boss of thread!! Such brilliant, thoughtful advice on this thread from everyone.

Keep strong, Ahoy. Everyone is behind you!!

AhoyMcCoy · 12/02/2014 18:55

notalways I thought all that you said was as lovely and helpful as all the other posts I've read.

And anyway, none of you can be Boss Of Thread, because now I'M boss of thread!

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 12/02/2014 19:04

Ahoy please don't assume that just because he says won't do something (like hurt a child), that it means he won't. My STBXH has a special hatred for child abusers - he is disgusted by them he says - but it didn't stop him from hitting his own 3yo. "That's different," he says, "it wasn't abuse. He was winding me up."Hmm He still states that his shouting and swearing at them isn't abuse and that child abusers deserve a special hell. Ah, the irony.

And my ex-BIL , who broke his 11 day old baby's leg, professed a similar hatred for child abusers. "That's different," he said. "I didn't MEAN to do it." Because it's so easy to accidentally break a baby's leg? He did it in a rage.

I will bet you never thought he would treat YOU the way he has either. Every time he does something abusive, the line in the sand gets moved back further and further. You look at reports of people who have hurt their children and when they interview other family, friends, neighbours, what's the thing they always say? "I never thought he would do something like that..."

It's simply something to keep in mind.

Notalwaysabowlofcherries · 12/02/2014 19:08

Quite right!!!!

Hurrah. Air punches etc

JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/02/2014 19:10

Sorry notalways, I just read something in the thread that wasn't there.

I think the spirit of your post was great :)

And anyway, none of you can be Boss Of Thread, because now I'M boss of thread!

:o hear hear!

EirikurNoromaour · 12/02/2014 19:46

There are lots of ways to harm a child. Being absent due to hangover or being drunk regularly is harmful. Driving over the limit because of a bender the night before is harmful (possibly lethal). Causing untold upset and worry to it's mother is harmful, as she tries to mitigate against the effects of the drinking, protect the child from seeing it or treads on eggshells around the drunk or hungover father. It's not just about hitting a child.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 12/02/2014 19:55

Eirikur No, of course it's not. But people often get too entrenched in a situation to really LOOK at it. I never though STBXH would do something like this either, and he was always quick to condemn people who were abusive to their partners or children. But if you tell him that what he is doing is abusive, he reacts very strongly - it's not abuse in his opinion. Shouting and swearing and throwing things and "disciplining" your kids is not abuse. But it's not discipline when you're swinging at them because you're angry. It's abuse. And he will never ever accept that. And she needs to understand that in his mind, there may be a HUGE difference in those situations.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 12/02/2014 20:23

Yes EirikurNoromaour, it is emotional abandonment.
It has not yet been mentioned, but it might not be a waste of time to check out the Adult Children Of Alcoholics program, Ahoy, (and anyone who grew up in the drinking culture). The Laundry List describes difficulties that can manifest from such a childhood.
Although, Ahoy, it may not apply to you Grin, but it may offer a significant educational contribution regarding the drinking culture's effects on dc...and your very astute decision to choose to mitigate (or avoid altogether) that lifestyle.

I am glad you do not fear him. But words can be just so much lip service...and do not always represent the truth. Take care.

Pramela1971 · 12/02/2014 21:56

I don't think I've ever felt so buoyed by the change in a poster on one of these threads. Well done for taking these small steps, Ahoy. Please don't let your one-week-ban boundary wobble. It's so important he sees your strength and resoluteness in this instance. You are doing marvellously.

Cherries, I thought your post was spot-on and not bossy at all.

Notalwaysabowlofcherries · 13/02/2014 14:25

Thinking of you today, Ahoy, and hope Al-anon meeting goes (has gone?) well and been useful. Nothing like talking to others in the same boat/who have found a way through it.

Notalwaysabowlofcherries · 13/02/2014 15:35

And thank you, Pramela. Was horrified to think I could have come across like some bossy old horror - a gazillion miles away from my intention!

Have been moved by the tide of compassion, wisdom and care on this thread, actually. Rather restores one's faith in humanity! Very much buoyed here, too.

AhoyMcCoy · 13/02/2014 21:17

Evening all. Am back from the al-anon meeting. I feel good actually, really peaceful. Less angry than I've felt all week, but in a good way I think. My weeks/months/years of anger and tears at his drinking have achieved nothing, so really, they were a waste of time an energy. He will either change by himself, or he won't, and I can deal with that if it comes, and when I'm ready.

It's also made me realise that his alcoholism is an illness. I've been so busy of thinking of him as selfish that it hadn't occurred to me that alcoholism is an illness.

Think I will step away from the thread a bit, and try the peaceful and detached al-anon way of looking at things for a while and see how it goes. I plan on continuing to attend al-anon. I will come back one day to update you all.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your words. More than anything, what I am taking from this is that I matter. I count. And I haven't heard that in a while I think. So thank you all, I'm grateful so much Thanks

OP posts:
Logg1e · 13/02/2014 21:19

I'm so glad you updated before stepping away OP and I'm so glad that you have the sources of support in RL.

Take care.

waterlego6064 · 13/02/2014 21:20

I'm so glad the meeting was useful, Ahoy. All the very best of luck for the future.

Only1scoop · 13/02/2014 21:22

Thanks for updating....
Take care love, enjoy that precious baby xx

ohfourfoxache · 13/02/2014 21:22

Take good care Ahoy, if you need us you know where we are Thanks

Good luck xx

livingzuid · 13/02/2014 21:24

Take care ahoy and glad you have found some peace :)

Fishandjam · 13/02/2014 21:26

ahoy, you've brought tears to my eyes. I'm so glad you're feeling more positive.

SanityClause · 13/02/2014 22:04

Good luck, Ahoy.

Flowers
Notalwaysabowlofcherries · 13/02/2014 22:09

Brought tears to my eyes too. Weird how much you can find yourself caring about someone you have never/will never meet.

So so glad the meeting went well and was useful. Bang on about alcoholism being a disease and you being powerless to control it/him.

Thank you so much for letting us all know and hope all goes well for you and your baby. Have a feeling it will xx

DustBunnyFarmer · 13/02/2014 22:18

Good luck ahoy. Hope all goes well with the baby too. I wish you happiness and good things for the future.

DollyTwat · 13/02/2014 22:30

Hope you read the good will messages before you step away. The biggest relief I got was the realization that my ex didn't do it to piss me off, he couldn't stop. He had to drink. It wasn't anything much to do with me. That meant I could step away, leave him to deal with it. The minute I did that - stopped having a go at him - he stopped

I stopped playing my part in it

AchingBad · 13/02/2014 22:34

Sending very best wishes to you, Ahoy, for your future. Take care x

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