DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

Ahoy you sound absolutely amazing

I'm so pleased you're making positive progress.

There are so many firsts to come, you're doing brilliantly x

Have you heard any more from him?

You're doing brilliantly OP

Yes, heard from him again today apologising and saying he didn't mean to upset me, he's just missing me and baby and wants to be home. Said he'll stay at SILs again tonight and hopefully he can come home Thursday? I haven't replied. Taking each day as it comes, and I don't feel the need to have contact with him just yet. Will see how I feel after Al-anon on Thursday I think.

Ahoy ....I feel from your posts it's almost as if you are looking at him through a brand new pair of eyes.

I know that sounds weird

Ahoy I feel the same as Open (doesn't sound weird at all - perfectly worded!) - the tone of your posts has changed. You sound like a new woman.

Thanks all. Rebecca I really feel this thread has given me strength. I can imagine the last four months have been good (and yes, how lovely those good times are), but haven't you been a little bit scared and worried the whole time about it happening again? And doesn't that spoil the good times a bit? Can you live like that forever, and is there anything that you think "well if THAT happened, then I'd leave"?
***
Yes I have been worried! But I know I be ok on my own and I am young, I will move on with my life. I think a lot of women normalise the abusive behaviour which makes it even harder to leave.

Also my family are not very supportive, if they were more I would have been gone by now.

I would leave if he threw another boot at my face! or hit me. Our marriage actually got worse when our son was born due to the stress but he adores our son so if we were to split I would not worry about them being alone.

I think it's really important that you stick to your full week. It will prove a point that you cannot be bullied, cajoled, guilt-tripped or charmed into backing down. And it's really important that he knows that he cannot 'get to you' until you've been to the AA thing and had some time to abosrb everything you've heard.

So today I signed up for a course of pregnancy yoga so I can meet some new people (and paid the whole course fees up front so I can't back out!), I've sent an email enquiring about NCT classes, I've booked my theory test so I can learn to drive and get more independent, AND I did my first ever online shop at the weekend, which will be useful because it means I'm less reliant on DH to take me to do the food shopping each weekend.

My goodness Ahoy - what a busy little bee you've been! It's great to see you being more independent and making plans for the future that will keep you independent, regardless of what happens. Good for you! That driving licence will be useful, whatever happens, and I love that you're trying to break out of your little social circle to see how the rest of the world views excessive drinking. I too come from a family where drinking daily/too much is acceptable. It took me until my late 20s to figure that out

Ahoy that's brilliant. So pleased for you and hope it goes well tomorrow. Great that you are sticking to your guns for a full week. It will be interesting to see how you feel when your week is up and when he comes back as well.

Said he'll stay at SILs again tonight and hopefully he can come home Thursday?

You asked for a week.

He left on Sunday.

He never stops browbeating you, does he?

Make sure he gives you the week you asked for.

Keep in mind that if you let him back Thursday, he'll find a way to have you miss that meeting. "It's my first night home, and you're going out??!?!" Stick to your plan - make him wait. Notice he says he'll wait, but he keeps pushing his own agenda.

YES Absoultely ....no letting him back for the whole week. I think you are pretty set on sticking to your guns though. Don't waiver....he needs to know you are not going to be badgered.

Whole week at least

All the things that you're suddenly energised to do for yourself reminds me of when my first marriage broke up - the day in January my husband left, I got home from work to an empty flat and eyed up the fireplace. I took a deep breath and laid a fire, trying to remember how XDH had always done it. I cannot tell you how great a sense of independence that one small thing gave me.

I am only half way through this thread. You have said you won't let him hurt your baby. He just needs to push you while you're pregnant (how can you stop that?) and there is a huge risk of you and your baby getting hurt (as another poster has said happened to her friend upthread).

How important is your baby to you, and how important is your life and happiness to your baby?

You have fire in your belly - BRILLIANT!

Super impressed with how you are getting on and all the positive steps you are taking. As if having some time to yourself has given you a real injection of energy.

I agree with the other posters that you should stick to the full week. Partly because it gives you a really good breathing space, but also because it sends a very clear message to your husband that you can't be pushed around and he needs to take you at your word when you say something.

All the steps about signing up to NCT, doing the pregnancy yoga, looking at getting a driving license etc are superb as help you gain more independence and will show your husband that you are more than capable of running your own life.

None of us will every know you in RL, but it's funny how much you can care about someone and want things to turn out well for them! I feel super proud of what you've done already; you sound like a new woman who could take on the world. Good luck at the Thursday Al-Anon meeting. I think that will probably give you even more strength.

sorry - 'ever' know you in RL.

WTF about the word 'week' does he not understand?

It comes across as a power play - it's more important for him to win than for him to do what you asked, and he agreed to.

Give yourself time to process what you hear at Al-Anon. You don't need his voice in your ear straight after that.

Ahoy, you sound amazingly strong, brave and determined. You have taken so many steps towards independence and preparing for a life that may not include your husband. The fact that you say you can see a life for yourself without him is brilliant, but I have no doubt he is aware of the way you are starting to feel and your ability to stand up for yourself and I don't imagine he will like it one bit. Obviously at the moment this is manifesting in his repeated attempts to get home early (and stop you from getting to Al-anon at all costs, I am sure) but when he realises how you can't be browbeaten any more I do feel concerned for how he may step up the aggression. Please do tread carefully and be aware - I hope I am being overly cautious and don't want to scaremongering, I just can't help but feel a bit afraid for you and your baby once he understands that you can live without him. You have revealed so much about his jealousy and possessiveness over your posts and I don't think that his drinking is the only cause of these.

As everyone has said - don't let him back before the week is up

WTF about the word 'week' does he not understand?

I think it's the bit where it's coming out of his wife's mouth and he doesn't listen to a thing she says.

he is "missing the baby" ? eh it isnt born yet right?!
he is manipulating.

Yeah, I was pretty about that too, cestla.

In fact I think it's quite a creepy thing to say.

He misses you and the foetus you're carrying? Ick.

He probably thinks that's cute.

In reality it makes it sound like you are a walking incubator.

And given his possessiveness and jealousy issues, I wouldn't be too heartened by the fact that he was dying to be a Daddy.

Getting a woman pregnant is an even better way to control her than hitting her if she steps out of line and stopping her from learning to drive.

We may be sceptical about Ahoy's husband's ability to change and behave like a decent partner/father, but it is clear that OP would like to give him another (FINAL) chance and I think it may be more helpful to her if we show support and encouragement rather than lobbing insults at someone she still has feelings for.

And, for what it's worth, I think it is quite normal for a man to get very excited about his partner's pregnancy and start imagining a little person rather than just a 'bump' (mine certainly did!).

Ahoy has already shown enormous courage and taken some very valuable steps. Let's focus on that and support her going forward, whatever the future holds.

I suspect things are not going to be easy and it well may be that her husband disappoints her, but this is where she is and what she is trying to deal with. One step at a time.

I feel increasingly confident that she will tell him to sling his hook if he screws up. Right, Ahoy?

You're doing brilliantly!

You are doing brilliantly! Capital! I am really happy for you and the going after solutions.
Sorry, Ahoy, but I agree with the other posters here in that it sounds like your husband just does not get it.

He is being dismissive. It is a power dynamic that makes you subordinate, and invisible (which, imho, you experienced shivering on the doorstep).

He is fishing for the magic phrase to work its magic as if you would fall into a hypnotised state and be the obedient servant he thinks a wife should be. Nothing sincere or authentic.

His apology that he did not mean to upset you is not an apology for his behavior. His tactic of redirecting/controlling the rules of conversation when you enumerated the abuse was not an apology for his behavior. Has he apologized for drinking so much yet?

As I previously posted, I still have concerns along the lines of what jellyandcake wrote (although she said it better .

How about we all post as we see fit and nobody appoints themselves The Boss of the thread?