DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

Oh Ahoy

His penny isn't dropping, but I think yours has.

This man is not pleasant. He kept your phone and sent a text message to the chap who lent you his jacket?

He is unhinged, you most definitely are not.

Ahoy, I'm full of awe at how you are handling this. You have such strength.

Doing what you're doing would be hard enough even with family support. To be able to stand up to him like this, despite the history of alcohol abuse you have been exposed to, is remarkable.

Your husband is not getting this. Not at all. But you are. Your last two posts make me feel that the scales are falling from your eyes. He is showing no respect for you and has given you no reason to think he will change.

I'm so sorry that your dreams for your future are crumbling around your ears. But I'm full of hope that your real future can be so much better than you could have imagined.

Please, stick to your guns. You sound calm and in control- hold on to that.

Chinatown almost everyone has said that the alcohol merely enhances the abuse which is there regardless of being sober or not. Have you read the thread? Op believes the abuse to be because of the alcohol and when he stops drinking it will resolve itself.

ahoy I'm so sorry you are going through this. I still think the abuse is because he is an abuser and the alcohol just makes it worse. I would still be pissed off a year later for him to have behaved like that. He tries to put the blame on you instead of taking any responsibility for his sickening behaviour.

He sent those texts in the cold light of day (no 30 pints the day before I assume). I bet if you think about it there will be other examples of this type of behaviour over the last year when he was sober and since you were married.

And I'm with Logg1e- I couldn't live with a man who spoke to me like that. Your child can not be exposed to that kind of verbal abuse. Toxic words which reveal his true self.

I know, I get it. But then I have been with him for almost 5 years, and you've all heard the worst of it. And whilst the worst is awful, you haven't heard about him at his wonderful best either, and it's those bits keeping me so intent on one final chance so that if I do leave, I can do it without ever looking back, and with no second thoughts.

Because I don't want to leave and for him to talk me round. If I leave, I want to do it knowing he had a final chance, and was fully aware of the consequences.

And I do think his issues with control are almost entirely drink related. Yes he took my phone the next morning, but if he'd had 30ish pints the night before, it's likely he was still drunk. He hasn't behaved like that sober.

So that's it really, one final chance. I've made it clear that the following things are not acceptable
-Saying you will be in at one time and coming home hours (or days!) later. If you say you will be in by X time, be home, or let me know why you can't be home and what time to expect you back.

• He can't get "drunk". I won't tell him what he can/can't drink, but if he ever raises his voice, intimidates me or scares me, that's it.

That's all I can really think of for now. It feels so weird to have to set boundaries that are so crystal clear to 99% of the population.

Good for you for sticking with it. That's the hardest thing I think - keeping your own sanity and being able to stay consistent when all around you are trying to sway you by their own (bizarre) standards.

If you have ever read (I'm sure you haven't) any of the AA publications written by AA members themselves it is very illuminating, the way that alcohol gives you "twisted thinking" even when you're sober.

It is that "twisted thinking" that you have to resist, and not be persuaded that you're wrong. Hopefully al Anon will help. But please don't turn to your husband support. I am absolutely certain that your certainty will force a change in him..... but actually you're doing it for you. You're doing it because you can't live like this. If he wants to live like this it's his choice. But he doesn't do it in your house.

Good luck, keep at it. I do emphathise, I have experienced very similar - right down to the adoration turning quickly to something else when you don't immediately back down!

He can't get "drunk". I won't tell him what he can/can't drink, but if he ever raises his voice, intimidates me or scares me, that's it.

but what is your/his definition of "drunk"? 30 pints, 10 pints, over the limit, any alcohol at all. Also set boundaries for his abusive behaviour - Might also be worth calling Women's Aid for advice once you have been to AlAnon

sorry.. I meant don't turn to your husband for support, find it elsewhere, he will be too erratic.

PS Your boundaries are the right direction. For me it was " I won't accept if someone doesn't have the same respect for me that I have for them". that made it simple sometimes

Ahoy....
The penny isn't dropping with him....and his family are all the same where the drinking is concerned. They can't even see what he has done wrong.

You can't change someone's fundamental make up values....morals etc as I'm sure you are well aware. To grow as a couple as parents this will be a toughie for you as you are emotionally and morally on a far higher plane than this man will ever be.

My abuser did the phone type thing....the controlling traits he had got worse 'not done anything like that since we got married' ughh him saying that actually makes my skin crawl on your behalf.

I feel you will now experience his 'good cop' bad cop' routine and I wouldn't be suprised if his family try a s contact you.

You sound so so lovely....and really switched on and I'm sorry you will remember this during your pregnancy.

V unmumsnetty huge hug

'Family try to contact you'

You can only do what you feel you have to do ahoy. It's a hard road and you are being really brave. Stand your ground and don't tolerate any crap or let his family persuade you differently.

So the, what I imagine it is, "I am being a cute little boy (verbally agree to everything you say won't you please cave in now) routine" did not work for him.

The texting about the jacket (!!) indicates, imho, that he believes he ownes you. Yes, utter contempt.

You are doing so well, Ahoy!

Owns...

it's awful to bring up old stuff that happened a year ago

He's very keen to control the parameters of this discussion, isn't he? Limit yourself only to those occasions where he feels he has some kind of defence. Did you bring up the time when he assaulted you? That was less than a year ago. Or does that not count either, because it only happened one time?

mentioned AA as an option to him (not one he's going to consider I don't think)

Of course he isn't. Because he knows he would have to face up to the fact he has a severe problem with alcohol.

Remember that in these days apart you are also giving him a chance to prove himself. To prove that he can understand your point of view, to prove that he is remorseful and wants to get help. This is a chance for him to prove how much he loves you. So far his score isn't great.

Yes I've read the thread livingzuid

Ahoy, I would like to echo everyone else's admiration for your steadfastness. I do not believe this man can ever drink again - in any measure. I do not believe alcohol is the only problem either, but you don't sound ready yet to believe that he is, in actual fact, a waste of space. When you go to your Al-Anon meeting on Thursday, would you return to the thread and tell us what you got from it? Please don't see this as voyeuristic on our part; I feel there are a lot of us who genuinely are so very impressed with your fortitude and would love to see you gain some clarity. Take care.

Ahoy I have been lurking on this thread, not feeling I have much to add to the excellent advice you are getting from other posters, but I wanted to say how well you are doing. You come across as a really lovely, thoughtful person. I only wish the significant others in your life were as caring, thoughtful and respectful of your feelings as you are of theirs. You deserve to be treated so much better - cherished, even. The journey you have started on will be life-changing, I am sure of it.

I wanted to post something, a quote, from a film I watched recently with my husband. We were both so taken with it (in the context of some truly horrible behaviour in my family) that he told me to rewind the film & write it down so I could refer back to it if I needed to. It's from a film called 'The Last Kiss' and the scene is about a newly wed who has cheated on his wife going to her parents' house to beg her forgiveness, but I think it is generally a sound observation about relationships:

"What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."

It very much ties up with the regular MN advice about paying attention to how people behave, rather than what you say. Your husband's words count for nothing when he treats you will so little consideration and respect. He's being a selfish, entitled husband and - sadly - he will probably be a selfish, entitled father, unable to prioritise his daughter's needs over his own. You both deserve so, so much better.

Seeing as I'm all about the film quotes tonight, here's another one (paraphrased) from Confessions of a Wallflower: "We accept the love we think we deserve." Once you realise that you deserve better and start to believe it too, I feel very strongly you will take the actions that are needed to get there. Good luck on your journey! (I will be checking in on this thread from time to time & willing you there.)

You are a really courageous young woman, Ahoy. I am so glad you are starting to see him through less rose-tinted spectacles, distressing though I'm sure it must be.

I was really horrified to read about the time that he'd 'gone mental with me, calling me a fucking slag, slut etc'. That is abuse, pure and simple. And there is NO excuse for it. At all. Ever.

The truth is, it is often really hard for us to value ourselves. Lots of factors at play - our upbringings, how we have been parented etc. But may I make a suggestion?

Put your hand on your belly and feel that little girl growing inside you. Now imagine her grown up and standing in front of you with a man saying those things to her, chucking water on her, humiliating her, leaving her in the street, scaring the living daylights out of her.

How would you feel? What would you do? How would you feel towards the man treating her like that and what would you urge the young woman to do?

Can be a really useful way of visualising how we would see things if we were able to be kind to ourselves and realise that we matter. I will bet any amount of money that you wouldn't stand for it for 'her'.

I really hope you are able to remain strong. So much harder for you to do this when you haven't got the support around you that you should. But breaking the chain will mean it can be different for your little girl.

My heart goes out to you and I am so glad if any of us on this thread are providing support that helps in any way at all. You deserve it. We are rooting for you 100%.

scottishmummy

That was my point, I was a child, she is an adult. She is going to be subjecting her baby to a drunk violent man.

What a great post, Dustbunny. I have been lurking too, and I think that is some great advice there. OP, good luck.

Ahoy, I too want to say I think your baby is lucky to have you as Mummy. I think you are doing the right thing with the watchful waiting. It is the inner tiger coming out in you, quite rightly. You are evidently aware already and this thread has reinforced to you the fact that the behaviour of your DH is not normal and the level of his drinking certainly isn't. You have to go through these times so you either come out the other side as a bonded couple or if you separate as your decision, you will know, hand on heart, you twisted yourself into a pretzel to make it work and it still didn't.
I think you will have to be like a rod of iron though to get him to treat you well.
I mentioned way back that he only does what suits him or what is easy and anything else he resents vehemently. I suspect you will have to constantly have to re-assert yourself which will be wearing.

I also thing you would be wise to tell your close family the truth of what is going on as (with the mobile phone episode) he is painting you as slightly unhinged and you need to be aware of this when the opposite is clearly the case.

I know you love him but he comes across as someone that puts himself first second and third with you and your bump who knows where?
I hope it works out for you but please don't compromise your own standards. I admire your for having those standards when you seem to be surrounded by others that seem to think drinking your own bodyweight in a weekend is normal etc.
The drunk driving would be a massive red flag for me. He just doesn't seem to think common measures apply to himself. Please never get in the car with him if you even suspect he has had a drink.

Oh OP I am in your situation and I hope you read this.

Your oh is ABUSIVE and once the baby comes he will become more controlling and abusive. He has already physically attacked you (pillow) has been verbally abusive (name calling) controlling and is a drunk.

I am with a man like your oh, he can be the most lovely man the majority of the time but boy does he have a temper on him. He threw things around the house, he called me names, he has pushed me before...the worst thing he ever did was throw a boot at my face.

I nearly went to a shelter because of that but backed out at the last minute. For the last four months our marriage has been good and we have normal arguments with him not him taking it to the extreme, but if he loses his temper again I will leave and he knows that.

What I am saying is abuse builds up slowly over the years and the way your oh is towards you reminds me of my relationship. Men like them mess with your mind as they can be so lovely but can just turn. It will be a lot harder to leave once the baby comes and your relationship will not get better but worse, I hope you have the strength I don't, to leave if he does turn again but I wish and your baby well.

Thanks all. Rebecca I really feel this thread has given me strength. I can imagine the last four months have been good (and yes, how lovely those good times are), but haven't you been a little bit scared and worried the whole time about it happening again? And doesn't that spoil the good times a bit? Can you live like that forever, and is there anything that you think "well if THAT happened, then I'd leave"?

For me, DH definitely has ONE chance left. I've actually not found our time apart that difficult tbh. Whilst our weekday evenings together are always drink free and lovely, it's actually still equally lovely without him. I found I enjoyed the independence a lot.

I have also realised that my friends/family have similar warped views about alcohol, and the best thing for me is to widen my social circle, so me (and DH, hopefully) can start socialising with people who have more "normal" views on alcohol. So today I signed up for a course of pregnancy yoga so I can meet some new people (and paid the whole course fees up front so I can't back out!), I've sent an email enquiring about NCT classes, I've booked my theory test so I can learn to drive and get more independent, AND I did my first ever online shop at the weekend, which will be useful because it means I'm less reliant on DH to take me to do the food shopping each weekend.

I just feel like whether my future is with DH or without him, either way I will be positive and I CAN cope, and I CAN manage. Things are definitely looking up! Will let you all know how the al-anon meeting goes on Thursday evening.

Great progress Ahoy :)

Ahoy
You will be an amazing mum.

If he blows this last chance then he is a fool to lose someone as fantastic as you.

Stay strong

Good luck with the Yoga