DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

Good for you. You can learn assertiveness, being a mum will bring out the inner tiger in you.

Just be prepared that he may be waiting for you to discuss things rather than leaving as previously agreed.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other with the next right thing to do, OP. Don't think about the decision twenty steps ahead - think about the next decision.

To those denying that 30 pints is possible: my husband, who, like me, is a recovered alcoholic, rolled his eyes when I told him about OP's husband: 'Probably Boddingtons' was his cavalier reply. I'm assuming the 30-pint marathons take pace over a full day and night, am I right, OP? Who cares? The man is capable of drinking 30 pints and that's that. That's an awful lot of money and an awful amount of time spent in a pub neglecting his pregnant wife. Who are these people who think 10 pints is outrageous? Loads of blokes drink that amount on a regular basis (and lots and lots of women drink bottles and bottles of wine per week). Drinking has got completely out of hand in this country and half the population think they're oh-so-superior in their drinking habits.

OP, I'm chuffed to bits you've confided (albeit in a truncated fashion) in your uni mates. It's a massive leap to ask for support and to be brave enough to say your life is off kilter because of your husband. Don't be ashamed any longer. Keep talking and keep coming here for as long as we are a support to you. I wish you the very best.

OP, I missed a full page of posts including the text to your husband and his reply. I am bouncing on the settee in glee that you have been so brilliant and succinct and steadfast. I'm sorry if I sound patronising; I don't mean to. Your text said everything he needs to hear and I pray you will have the fortitude to at least stick to the one-week-away rule. This is one parameter you must not allow to be budged, because you may find it is the foundation for all your future bravery and steadfastness.

ahoy great stuff on the text and rl support. Please stay strong and take care of yourself.

AchingBad at your comment re ten pints being outrageous. Just because people are drinking that many units, be it through beer, wine or whatever, doesn't make it any less outrageous or shocking. It's far far too much to imbibe in one sitting and awful that the op considered that normal because it isn't and it shouldn't be.

Living, I promise I'm not advocating that level of drinking, I was simply saying it's not unusual for folks to think it's normal. There really are many people who drink in this fashion, and it's a huge, huge problem. I'm sorry if I sounded blasé.

10 pints is about 20-25 units, isn't it? More than 2 bottles of wine (albeit not much more).

Assertiveness maybe new territory for you, Ahoy, but I have a really good feeling you will take to it like (insert favorite metaphor) a duck to water. Well done!

I agree with others who say he has to want to change for himself as his decision to do so. This promise to change for you while you are pg as something you have asked/demanded/required...may and probably will be used against you in the future. See, right now you are in control, and he will see this as controlling him. He may bide his time, but know with metaphysical certitude: There WILL be payback for this...because he will have to save face in the man culture at work/pub/whoever knows him...perhaps even with your dad! Please tell your dad everything asap.

The list of concerns is a complex web, they are not independent entries such as a shopping list. His belief that physically or emotionally abusing you is acceptable behavior (whether culture driven or not) is of primary concern. Based on his treatment of you (and the chilling remark that he is not your boyfriend anymore- he is your husband), I would not be surprised if he thought it was his right to abuse children as well (as he is the father and he might think dc don't even rate as humanbeings?).

His willngness to drive while intoxicated shows a belief that rules do not apply to him. Drinking Thirty Pints shows a belief that rules do not apply to him. Are there any rules he does follow? Yeah, as previously posted, do not try this shit with the blokes and closing time at the pub.

Next time he asks to come home early, extend it to two weeks.
I hesitate to say this, I do not want to be an alarmist, but I am afraid for you. I would not want to be alone behind closed doors with him again.

I'm someone who would find my partner out on a regular '10 pints outrageous'
Unforgivable though if he drank another 20 and then himself home next day....

Op stick to your word....don't waiver he will take total advantage

Should say 'drove himself'
Whoops

Aching I totally agree that there is a dangerous binge drinking culture in this country but I wonder if, as recovering alcoholics, you and your husband know more people whose perception of a 'normal' amount to drink is higher than most? I find 10 pints shocking for a married, working father on the basis of the incredible damage this will cause to health. 15 pints and beyond is unimaginable to me just on the basis of it being such a huge volume of liquid, let alone alcohol.

Well done on your assertiveness, OP, it must be coming as quite a shock to your husband. Sounds like you are doing really well sticking to your guns.

OP , I've read the thread, and won't add to the brilliant advice that you've had on here, but just wanted to say I think you're really brave and doing the right thing. I'm not very assertive either, and I know how much courage it must have taken.

I was thinking of you today, and will continue to do so, stay strong. Something tells me you're going to be a great Mum.

OP I haven't read all this but just wanted to send you best wishes and say you are doing so well for a people pleaser You do know you are a person as well and can please yourself!!

Please let me tell my story. DH was a heavy drinker when I met him but it got worse and just before Xmas he beat me and DD called the police. He was arrested, charged and now a restraining order is in place. This was after 16 years of emotional abuse, spending 1000s on booze and fags, refusing to stop smoking in the house, sleeping on the loo sometimes for days on end, rarely washing, humiliating me in front of friends and family and various healthcare officials, telling me I was crap in bed and not touching me for 13 years, not lifting a finger in the house even though he was at home all day...and a million other things. Since he's been gone DD is so much happier - she wants no contact with him at all, we don't have a bean but I can now manage the bills properly, there is no atmosphere, we laugh with each other, I feel happy every day instead of moody and like the whole world is against me. Why didn't i get out of it sooner? I was scared as he said he would kill me and the dog if we left. Please don't think it will get better. It won't. I have got my life back at 42 but you can do it now. Do it for your baby if not for yourself.

Jellyandcake, yes, I think you make a fair point there.

Well done Ahoy. Strange he is so concerned about his dnephew ( in case he infects him with a cold) and yet he couldn't give a fiddlers about his dear pregnant wife sitting on a cold step waiting for him to get home with the key.
STAY STRONG
Tell your dad what an arse your husband is for goodness sake or get your dsis to tell him.

I have never in my life been an assertive person. I never say no to anyone. I'm a people pleaser.

I am the same as you op. Yet at 15 I told my 21 yr old boyfriend that he was never going to drink & drive again (I hid his keys when he came to see me) & if he did, we would be over.

He never did it a again. We are still together. His whole family had tried to stop him, they have no idea how a 15yr old did it. Come to that, neither do I. I just knew that I didn't want him to have to live with it if he killed/hurt someone, because he was a lovely man.

You need to mean it, op. It is all well & good saying it, but you have to stick by it.

And by the way you swerved my question, do I take it that you did in fact let him drive you home? In which case, you are as bad as he is.

Take care op,you're under no compulsion to justify your action/reaction to anyone on mn
You've not reached your break point.yet. You want to try make go of marriage
Do let mw know your circumstances,and best as you can try keep calm

Your post is so condescending different very well I bloody did it and I was 15.yes15
Well op isn't you,she's not 15.shes adult.adult not yet ready to cease contact with him
Op has been hectored a lot on post.no amount of shrill warning or mn cut and paste will change her opinion. Best that can happen is op be made aware of action/consequence of his drinking upon her,baby,him

stay strong OP, you can do this

Please never sit shivering on a door step for this man or any other!

Totally agree sm. OP I think you're doing absolutely brilliantly especially considering you're surrounded by people who are hell bent on making you believe that you're over-reacting.
I detest all the passive aggression and bullying on these threads towards someone who's being abused enough already - Why did you choose to have a child with this man? Your poor poor baby etc...
There are numerous posters on here describing their abusive relationships and how many attempts or how long it took them to leave yet the OP is being given a hard time for not leaving NOW! THIS MINUTE!!
WA rightly get mentioned a lot on these threads because they're brilliant but they would never badger and hector a woman into leaving if she's not ready because they know it doesn't work - and they should know.
I've seen threads like this when the OP does leave and then the thread goes quiet - probably because she's gone back to him (as most women do the first few times) and is too scared to come back on the thread because she think's she;ll get a hard time.
I stopped drinking but only after DH ordered me to go and stay in a hotel for a week. When I came back, we talked and he told me that he loved me but that, if I ever got drunk again, he was leaving and he made it categorically clear that he meant it and that there would be no second chances. For me, the only way to guarantee not getting drunk is to not drink at all so I don't.
It does really concern me about not drinking until the end of the pregnancy because that makes it sound like he's thinking that everything will get back to normal again - you'll be able to drink and stop being such a misery guts which doesn't bode well.
One final quick thing - AA doesn't work for everyone, it didn't for me. The people I know who've been to AA have either totally embraced the whole thing or just hated it. There are other kinds of help - what got me started was a tablet called Antabuse which means that you'll be violently ill if you drink in the 48 hours after you've taken it. PM me if you want any info about different treatments.
Take care x

Hallo OP,
I hope you won't pay any attention to differentnameforthis's post. It's terribly easy to say "I did x and y was the result, so y will also be the result if you do x". Just because her partner responded in a certain way doesn't mean that yours will. As well as being assertive and strong, for which she has my respect given her age at the time, differentnameforthis got lucky. Her partner responded in the way she desired. Yours won't, necessarily.

As for the other statement in her post, ignore that with bells on.

For those who are being supportive and kind and wonderful, thank you. I feel stronger now than ever before, I know that his behaviour isn't right, and that I shouldn't put up with it, and I know how very very wrong it would be to ever expose my baby to that.

I sent him a text last night - might not have been what a lot of you would have done, but I know him. He's not particularly articulate or educated and I know he won't really understand why this time I reacted so differently, so I wanted to make sure he understood. I text him
"I don't want you to think I'm being unfair on you, or that I'm punishing you unfairly. Its not about me anymore, it's about baby, and baby deserves to grow up in a house where I'm not biting my nails to death after you promised to be home by midnight and it's 11am an you're not back. And I can't bring baby into a home where I'm worrying whether you'll get so drunk this time that you'll come home and start yelling at me for no reason. I won't have a little girl grow up and think it's ok to be left on the doorstep in the cold and treated like shit when her husband turns up. I want our little girl to grow up and I want her to think "I want to find a man who treats me as good as my dad treated my mum", and I don't want her to settle for less than perfect. Baby needs to have THE BEST role models ever, and that's why I'm doing this."

(I know the bit 'it's not about me anymore' makes it sound like if I wasn't pregnant, treating me like this is ok, and I didn't mean it to sound like that, and I don't think he'll take it like this. All he has wanted for so long is to be a dad, and I knew that it was important I made clear that his behaviour to me affected whether he was a good dad or not, IYSWIM)

He replied with
"I totally understand, I don't want you or baby under any more stress. Il come home when your ready and not before. I love you so much and I promise I will be the best dad/ role model ever. I will do everything to give you and baby the best life I can. I promise no more mess up. Take my word for that cos I never ment anything more"

I know it's early days, but I think he gets this. He gets how important baby is, and that how we live our lives affects our baby more than anything.