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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

694 replies

AhoyMcCoy · 09/02/2014 00:57

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/02/2014 15:43

Btw he also needs to go to his GP and talk about his alcohol consumption. I guarantee he won't want to do this because it is (a) scary (I've done it) and (b) it makes it permanent, real and 'public' (although of course it is not).

Only1scoop · 10/02/2014 15:48

You have pretty much spelt things out there. It will be interesting to see what his reaction is of your intention to attend an AA rels meeting.

Good step not letting him back in aswell ....I wondered if you would.

LIZS · 10/02/2014 15:48

I fear, since he clearly puts his drinking ahead of your feelings now, you will find that he also places them ahead of your baby and you in turn in a few months' time. It will be very hard for him to change and sustain that change whilst living amid a culture condoning, if not encouraging, drinking to excess and its associated destructive behaviour. Good luck

Original poster
AhoyMcCoy · 10/02/2014 16:07

Got his response back already.

"All week is a bit long I think, I no you need time, but it's to long to be away from you. I've got a cold and I don't want to stay at SILs cos I'm worried Dnephew will get it and he's just over one. Can't I please come home tomorrow and stay in the box room for the week and take it slow. Your much more important to me than drinking, il stop for good. I promise I will put this right and prove it to you whatever it takes. It's crazy staying apart so long, please just think some more"

I'm going to say no, and that he has the money to go to a hotel. I think it's important he sees me saying something and sticking to it.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 10/02/2014 16:09

Ahoy....you know what you have to do....
Gosh his response really is pathetic Hmm

tribpot · 10/02/2014 16:10

Damn straight, OP. He just wants to come home where it's easier to work on you. A guy who can drop over a hundred quid on a drinking session can certainly afford a hotel. And frankly every child is going to get every cold that's going, so it's a bollocks excuse as well.

He needs to know that you are firing live ammo. If you let him back he'll know you never stick to your word when it comes down to it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/02/2014 16:13

I'd send it back with the correct spelling of "know" but I'm a horrible person when I'm cross.

Translation=

They are fed up of me already and want to know when you'll be back in your basket.

bibliomania · 10/02/2014 16:15

Well done for holding your ground. He really doesn't want you to have time to think, does he? You can see how he's desperate to be there in your space, working his charm.

tribpot · 10/02/2014 16:16

Plus I think he's embarrassed to have been kicked out of his house. What this is not is a response which considers what is best for OP, just how he can get what he wants.

Chippingnortonset123 · 10/02/2014 16:21

Tell him to stay in a hotel. Be strong and make him realise that you are serious.

mammadiggingdeep · 10/02/2014 16:21

He's lucky you're even giving him a chance...he shouldn't push his luck!!

LIZS · 10/02/2014 16:21

How pathetic. He can use his drinking money to pay for a Travelodge room. Yes he's lost face Angry on your behalf

Stevie77 · 10/02/2014 16:28

AhoyMcCoy as I've been reading your thread for a few days now, I wanted to send you a big ((hug))

I've seen the effects of alcohol abuse on families and relatives and you are being incredibly brave and are doing the right things, even though it is difficult.

BridgetJonesPants25 · 10/02/2014 16:35

AhoyMcCoy

Definitely stick with it. He needs to know you are serious. It may be the key to getting him to realise how much he stands to lose if he continues the way he is.

Ultimately he needs to make the choice to change for the better himself otherwise he will never stick to it. But maybe knowing he will lose you and your baby will make him want to do it for all of you (himself included)

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 10/02/2014 16:39

It's classic, isn't it?

They never change - they are what they are:

'I love you, I know it's awful, I'll do anything, please don't leave, we can fix this blah blah...'

'Right, I need space for a week, we can talk Friday.'

'Oh! No, I don't agree with that - it inconveniences me quite a bit you see. Can't I come home and make a big show of being a changed man without having to actually be put out at all?'

You couldn't make it up - but you don't need to, you see the same script with every jackass busy ruining some woman's life described on here every day.

FanDanceLil · 10/02/2014 16:44

Hi OP
I am sorry that you're being caused excessive stress at a time which can already be stressful (first pregnancy).

I just wanted to post as I have lived with a partner who thought nothing of drinking dangerous amounts of alcohol. He was caught drink driving twice, the first time was given an 18 month ban and a fine, the second was a 4 year ban and 2 months in prison. I didn't have a child when this happened but it was still bad enough and I stayed because he told me he would stop blah, blah, blah. He didn't though.

Another point I'd like to make is that I work in a hospital department where excess alcohol is one of the main reasons our patients are there. 10 pints of alcohol per week is excessive and will caused organ damage, blood clots and increase the chances of strokes etc. 15 to 30 pints in one go is a shockingly large amount and, if this is regular, has probably already done some irreparable damage.

Whatever you decide to do OP is your business but having already been in a similar situation my ex-partner, note the ex, because when it came to whether we could afford nappies/food/baby milk or alcohol, it was the alcohol every time. Sad

Take care x

AngelaDaviesHair · 10/02/2014 16:46

I get that you want to give the relationship another go. Bear in mind that you may have to separate in order for both of you to have the space you need to work out what you want (and in your DH's case, whether he is going to stop drinking). It might do you both much better in the long run to have a significant period part from each other.

Also, please bear in mind that your DH might well stop drinking and yet be the kind of man that will still pour water over you, hit you with a pillow and smash your laptop against the wall. That kind of behaviour is a more fundamental problem than just having had a lot to drink, I suspect.

Sorry to have to say it, but please for your sake and your child's don't let yourself assume that all he has to do is knock the boozing on the head and all will be fine. You two may well work it out and have a good future together but stopping drinking is only going to be the first step in an arduous process, not the last.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 10/02/2014 16:47

Maybe ask at Al-anon for recommendations of drink driving courses/information? There must be something available. I know someone whose best friend was ploughed down and killed by a drunk driver - someone who was known locally for driving after drinking all the time. People get used to getting away with it and don't think it's a big deal but it really is - it's the most selfish thing anyone can do. There will be hundreds of stories on MN of people whose lives have been damaged by drink drivers and who are a lot more knowledgeable than me, I'm sure the information will be easy to come by.

If all the men you know habitually drink 10+ pints, in a few years you are going to know a lot of very overweight and unhealthy men who are going to succumb to some pretty unpleasant illnesses. It's a really scary level of alcohol consumption and will have catastrophic effects on them physically, mentally and financially. It sounds like your social circle have a very distorted view of normal drinking and that must make your situation much, much harder to resolve.

Also, bollocks to his cold. He's probably hungover and that's not infectious. He wants to get back before your meeting on Thursday so he can stop you from going.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 10/02/2014 16:58

Oh don't tell him about the meeting on Thursday! The minute he knows, it's a target to keep you from going.

juneau · 10/02/2014 17:11

Good for you OP! You're handling this well. Agree to stick to your guns on keeping him away for a week. If you don't stick to what you say, neither will he. Your only hope of changing him is for him to love you enough to want to change. You're going to have to be really tough and show him you mean what you say.

summermovedon · 10/02/2014 17:21

Unfortunately, telling him you are going to Al Anon won't make a difference if he doesn't think he has a problem. My exH met up with me once after an Al Anon meeting - blind drunk, most embarrassing and an eye opener for me (and the death knell for our marriage if I am honest). He never really did get the irony of it. He had done the whole appeasing me, definitely going to AA blah blah blah. He could only do AA at the exact same day/time as my Al Anon meeting (i.e. to stop me going), so when I booked a sitter instead, he accidentally found his way into a drinking establishment, probably to prove to me that he didn't have a problem Confused.

But on a serious note OP. You need to do two things, one set your boundaries and stick to them no matter what. Even if it means the end of your marriage. Only you can choose your boundaries and the consequences, but you must stick to them or they are meaningless. Second, you need to learn detaching with love - that means no more trying to stop him seeing the light/ obsessing about what he is up to/ etc. That road leads to insanity and won't help, as it is enabling him to not take responsibility as you are doing it for him. You are responsible for you and your happiness only, and if you remember that and live by it, he might maybe change perhaps.

EirikurNoromaour · 10/02/2014 17:27

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korsakoff's_syndrome
The rate he's drinking, even 'just' ten pints in one go, will fuck him up. You could end up as his carer, how do you fancy that?

Bunbaker · 10/02/2014 17:43

"You could end up as his carer, how do you fancy that?"

SIL is her husband's carer. She has a horrible life. She should have kicked him out years ago.

Original poster
AhoyMcCoy · 10/02/2014 17:44

I have never in my life been an assertive person. I never say no to anyone. I'm a people pleaser. The whole MN thing of "no is a complete sentence" is baffling to me.

But I just text back to say that no, staying in the box room wouldn't work, and that me and baby needed to be in a stress free environment this week. I reminded him he could stay at SIL2/SIL3's houses etc. He text back almost immediately to say that was fine and he understood. That he would be round between 5:45-6 to pick up clothes and would leave, and leave his keys in the bedroom. (I won't be in).

I know there is a load of you who will think I'm being naive, and some will think I'm being downright stupid, but being able to stand up on this and him accepting it is HUGE for us. I can't cross my fingers tighter to wish this is the start of what is to come.

OP posts:
Notalwaysabowlofcherries · 10/02/2014 17:48

Congratulations, OP. You have been really brave and I think everyone on this thread is proud of you and cheering you on. I can imagine it is hard to stay strong and insist that he goes to a hotel, but as previous posters have said - it gives him a clear message that you can't be pushed around and mean what you say. Definitely get to that Al-Anon meeting. You are doing brilliantly. It may take some time for the dust to settle and work out what will happen (i.e. whether he can change or not), but just wanted to send virtual hug and tell you what a brilliant job you are doing. It is not easy, this stuff.