DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

Oh OP

I grew up with sociable parents, dad more so a drinker but it made me more sensible really. I loved a drink when younger but I knew what was sensible and what wasn't. Anyway I met a man when I was 22, he was a after work stop at the pub type drinker. A bit older than me and his habits were hard to break. I tried to, he made lots of promises. Lots, because I was pregnant quite quickly. He was an ass to me, pushy, throwing things and at one point I had such low self esteem I asked for him to compromise and not drink Stella, but carling. Naive, and wanting the best for my future I clutched at many straws.

Anyway I had my son early hours of a Friday morning. Emcs. By 3pm that afternoon the text started about wetting baby's head. By 6pm he was edgy and when I asked why he said his mates had planned his night out. That night. By 7:30 I had no choice but to watch him leave whilst the other dads on the ward stayed until kick out time at 10pm. Humiliating. Then I couldn't get hold of him for 17 hours. I reckon I rang him during that first night 50-100 times. Endless texts.

He turned up about midday, reeking of alcohol. Literally fell onto my bed saying how fucked he was. I made him leave and go sort himself out. He was useless all day. Next day I went home. Within 15 mins there was a knock at the door and he was back out.

The biggy that stays in my mind though was one day leaving to go to my parents. We had to leave by 10am. The World Cup was on and he went to the pub about 7:30/8am. I had to drag him out around 10:30am and e rowed most of the way, including him who was sat in the back throttling me as I was doing 80mph up the motorway. With our baby in the car.

That was 11 years ago and it didn't take me long to get over him and be a better parent to my son. I'm now happily with someone else and we've 2 more children and I've realised how hideous my first experience of having a child was. I can't get that time back. I won't we've miss the clock watching or never wondering if the text will be answered. I've oodles of self esteem now, that's what love and respect do for you.

Incidentally, my sons dad. We see him every week. He's a great dad mostly, but still a drinker although not with my son.

Even my son comments on it, and if his dad rings and its obvious he's in the pub he puts the phone down. Says his dads different. Hates drinking and smoking.

I hope you get your happy ending.

I have read the thread, and I am very sad for you and these awful circumstances.

Hormonal ...no. Imho, being pg (or the rockin' prenatal vitamins ) brings a certain kind of clarity to reality . Well done on paying attention to your gut feelings and even more so on acting on them!

I am not a medical professional, but a word of caution about your dh and the medical side of his mess. He may experience life threatening side effects if he attempts to stop drinking cold turkey. It may not be a concern for an intermittant drinker. But how can someone have the tolerance for Thirty Pints and also be an intermittant drinker? It might be that he is drinking more than you realize.
However, be clear, Ahoy, if he does suffer withdrawal issues, it is not your fault. He has voluntarily done this to himself.

He's not going too change. He'll say he is. Go to a few meetings and slyly be drinking the whole time. Then it's the lies you have to deal with.

Save yourself the time, arguments and frustration and get out now. I did it at 3months pregnant. Best decision I ever made! It's hard for a bit but I have such a simple stress free life now with my baby and I love it!

Good luck

Mr Chow so happy you're happy now...

• glad you're happy...

how are things today ahoy

Yes, I am wondering how your day is starting too. Stay strong. You have rock solid support here on MN, just remember that.

Never hit me, ever, but lots of name calling/yelling in my face/ pushing etc the pushing is enough, op. Yelling in your face is aggressive.

I was curled up in bed while he hit me with a pillow repeatedly, threw a pint of water over me, and pushed me into the floor. That's pretty much the worst it's even been Isn't that bed enough? He has escalated from pushing to hitting you (albeit with a pillow), but he is still hitting you.

and I'm not excusing him, but I had been drinking too and I know I'm much more "and what?! I don't care!" when I'm drunk, whereas if I'm not drinking, there is very little aggression because I sleep in the spare room and it never has a chance to escalate. So you avoid him to avoid escalation? He is hurting you. No matter what you do/say, there is NEVER an excuse for him to hit you.

I'd manage without him, I just don't want to I think it is very sad that you are going to continue to subject yourself & your baby to this.

Where were your parents when he was hitting you? What do they say about this?

How did you get home from your SIL's, op? Did you let him drive you?

I'm ok today, thanks all. Slept well etc.

Just feeling a bit detached from it all I think. More texts today saying how sorry he is etc. His solution is definitely not drinking while I'm pregnant. And I know that's a stupid solution. He's suggesting it because he doesn't want to cause stress to be and unborn baby, but yet it's ok to go back to drinking once baby is here and cause stress to me and our living child?! It's nonsense.

I'm not going to tell him what he should do though, and I'm not going to tell him he can't ever drink again. These changes need to come from him. I'll tell him if he ever gets drunk like that again, if he scares me, if he breaks his promises ("oh I promise il be home by midnight" when he still isn't home by 10am the next day), then I'll leave. And then it's up to him what action he takes. If he keeps drinking thinking he can manage to be reasonable, and he can't, I'll go.

He's promising to change already, wants to be home. I think I'll still keep our space for a week - enough to show him I'm serious this time and for him to realise what he's risking, and to give me a chance to go to the Al-anon meeting on Thursday and get some perspective.

I've got some lovely friends from university who all live much "nicer" lives. Drinking 30 pints or a pint of vodka would horrify them. I messaged them all to say I was having a difficult time, and without going into the history of it all, they were so insanely supportive. Telling me it's entirely the right move, and whilst they like DH his behaviour is so unnacceptable and me and baby deserve better etc. So I have my "real life" support now too.

Glad to hear that you have rl support

did you really think that 'up to ten pints' was OK?
also, is it actually possible to drink 30 pints?
at three pounds a pint that is ninety quid!
if i were you i would leave now before the baby.

Whilst you're still earning, you need to set yourself up with an emergency fund so you can get the hell away from him and his Greek chorus of enablers when this next happens - which will be when you have a new baby and are feeling completely vulnerable and unable to deal. He'll be holding all the cards at that stage, and that if nothing else will make him feel able to slip without you being able to respond. Money at least will give you choices.

Why would quitting for your pregnancy make any sense? There seems to be an undercurrent here that the only problem is that you can't go out and get hammered, and therefore you're taking your frustration out on him. Utter bollocks.

You need to give up on your dream of you and he having a normal relationship with alcohol together. That won't happen. Your hope needs to be that he comes to his own realisation that he needs to quit permanently, before he dies or severely debilitates himself. You're right that you can't lead him to that, it has to come from him. And the problem with this so-called abstaining whilst you're pregnant is that he has painted it as being 'for you'. So if you upset him, he will cease to do it 'for you'.

Your 'shocking' cocaine revelation, btw, is the same amount that Victoria Coren admitted to taking recently in a national newspaper. It's not shocking in the slightest and in no way comparable to the benders he goes on. You need to get that out of your head.

Ahoy - just a suggestion, but could you ask him to stop drinking altogether? Tell him how his drinking makes you feel, and that you think he has an alcohol problem, and particularly that you are terrified that, once the baby is born, he will go back to his excessive drinking habits, and that you think he needs to give it up for good.

I think his response to that would be very telling. If he listens, and appreciates what you are saying, and agrees that he has a problem, and needs to give up alcohol, then I think that would be a really positive sign, and would give me hope. But if he poo-poos the idea ha the has a problem, and is unwilling to acknowledge your concerns, and particularly if he thinks it is enough for him to quit whilst you are pregnant, and go back to bingeing once the baby is born, then I think that would be a very bad omen indeed.

Bottom line, the first thing he needs to do is to accept that it is NOT normal to drink 30 pints at one sitting - even a long sitting (and that such long drinking sessions are themselves abnormal). Unless and until he does that, I wouldn't be letting him back into my life, if I were you.

Asking a person to stop drinking is futile; you cannot control someone else's drinking (its also one of the 3cs of alcoholism).

Glad you've had a good night and you've finally got some rl support from friends.

Just wanted to comment on your point yesterday:

"And "oh well he hit me with a pillow a few times and threw water over me" sounds so ridiculous when you say it out loud. It doesn't seem like enough of a reason to end an otherwise happy relationship."

Not wanting to hector you, but yes, it is enough. It's not like you need the affirmation of a random internet stranger, but you're not being given this message by your family (or his) so here it is again: that action was enough to leave him, all by itself.

One of the last things my exH did before I left was pulling me into the bathroom from the collar, while I had baby dd in my arms, because he decided I hadn't washed her properly and he was going to make me to it again. Something about that final humiliation pushed me over the edge. It's not just about physical pain - it's about someone using physical strength to dominate you and do what they want. Someone who thinks of you as a lesser being, who has to obey. It's the attitude behind the action.

Drunk as he was, would he do it to your dad? His mates? His work colleagues? No, you're the one he gets to dominate.

Oh, and he'll be strategic, consciously or not, in terms of his future behaviour. He won't do one big transgression just yet - he'll test you out with small, incremental transgressions. Each time, it will be such a small thing that you feel it will sound ridiculous to make a protest, and if you didn't protest at the last thing, how can you protest at the next thing, which is just a little worse? He's smashed your computer. He's attacked you physically. Where do you think it can go?

Final point - obvious there are physical concerns about him being around the baby. But don't under-estimate the harm done by the fact that the energy you invest in him (worrying about his mood, about the signs he might be about to go off on a bender, all the effort that goes into managing the situation) is energy that you don't have available for your baby. It's hard to be really "there" for a child when half your mind is elsewhere, worrying about what is happening with your H.

Nigella Yes, to be honest, I genuinely honestly thought 10 pints is acceptable. Most of the men I know wouldn't be "drunk" after 10 pints. Tipsy, yes, but not drunk. I guess that's why I thought I was overacting about his drinking. A typical session might not be 30 pints every week, but certainly 15-20 he could do without batting an eyelid. And I didn't realise this was so unusual.

I didn't realise the severity of the drink driving if I'm honest, either. And I know that's terrible. He picked me up from work once when he'd drunk 8 pints (that he admitted to - probably more). I told him he was an idiot, but he seemed normal, and I had never really thought of the drink driving as being such an issue. I promise it is now.

I agree I can't/won't ask him to stop drinking, that needs to come from him. But does anyone know of a drink driving awareness course you can choose to go on (a bit like a speed awareness course?) I think his drink driving is through stupidity and not being aware of the risks because he feels fine, and isn't done through evil intent. I'd like to insist the takes a drink driving course if such thing exists.

You're right, Atilla - I misspoke when I said 'ask him to give up completely' - what I meant was that Ahoy needs to find out if he has any awareness that he has a problem with alcohol! and of the steps he needs to take - and that posing the question, and listening to his answer would help her see if he has this awareness or not - more a test of his understanding, iyswim.

I think his drink driving is through stupidity and not being aware of the risks because he feels fine, and isn't done through evil intent.

No drink drivers actually INTEND to kill the people they murder through their negligent feckless selfishness.

They ALL do it because they are stupid and refuse to recognise that alcohol affects your ability to drive LONG BEFORE you feel even remotely drunk.

But they are still evil bastards for doing it, because there is no excuse for putting other people's lives at so much risk just so you can get home in your own car.

People don't drink drive through evil intent, they mainly do it through stupidity and vanity.

But that's the thing about drink-driving the alcohol reduces people's awareness of just how drunk they are. No one drink-drives through evil intent it is only ever just stupidity and lack of control of their drinking.

There isn't a course -- there is just the law. He should not drink and drive.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, just skimmed it, but I am appalled at his behaviour and staggered that anyone could drink 30 pints in one go also that anyone should think 10 pints was normal. You must know some very heavy drinkers. My DH is flat out after about two pints nowadays, though he did drink more heavily when younger.

Anyway, I think you should ask him to stop drinking altogether. Sure, if he's an alcoholic he probably won't stop until he's ready to, but I think it is a more than acceptable request/demand for you to make. He is a horrible drunk; you CANNOT bring a child into such a toxic environment when you are going to be perpetually worried about his falling off the wagon. And if he does fall off, his behaviour is positively dangerous on so many levels.

It's easy for me to say, I know, but I would probably just leave.

Ahoy....glad you have got some RL support now....hopefully friends with a bit about them who won't minimise his disgusting behaviour.

Not up to you to try to control his drinking, as you say yourself....he is an adult ....and soon to be a father.

Courses do exist I've been on one. For phone whilst driving....not drinking. It was so horrific I had to leave before the end. I wouldn't know if anything like this is available but then again....not up to you to have to try and find ways to educate the idiot. He is an adult, and from what I read on here sounds like he doesn't really think its that he's doing anything wrong. He and his family think you are a 'hormonal' pregnant wife and you'll get over it.

Please do all you can though to keep him off the road whilst drunk. Please call the Police next time.....If you choose to get in the car with him again that's your choice. If the '10 to 30 Pinter' kills someone they have no choice in the matter at all.

I've just read the whole thread through and I just wanted to make the point that so many issues have been raised here:-

• excessive drinking
• drink-driving
• emotional abuse
• physical abuse

But you only seem to be addressing the first one (and, latterly, you've started to address the second).

The fact that you're pregnant is scary. You have no concept of exactly how vulnerable you will be with a newborn. If he immediately falls back off the wagon, and of course he will to 'wet the baby's head', you will be entirely at his drunken mercy. God only knows what will happen when you chuck in a few sleepless nights, problems feeding, colic, etc etc.

My DP and I have a good and equal relationship. However we were tested right to the limit when DD came along a year ago. It is terrifying that you are prepared to put yourself in this position.

I understand that you want him to be the man you thought he was and, who knows, he may be able to get there. But you need to take responsibility for addressing all the other issues here as well, because they are if anything more dangerous than the drinking

I understand that there are issues to address. I'm addressing the first two because they are 'easiest' and because I think that the abuse is triggered by the drinking, and can be solved be sorting the drinking.

I've sent him the following text.
"Just to let you know where I stand; I think stopping drinking because I'm pregnant is pointless. It implies that the only reason I have a problem with your drinking is because I can't drink, or that it's only become an issue since iv been pregnant, and neither of those are true. I've found texts/reminders/ Internet stuff going back since we met when I have said to you so many times your behaviour isn't normal and it isn't right. And let's be honest, me and my feelings aren't enough to make you stop, or you would have stopped already. And that's pretty sad that I'm not enough for you to want to change.
If you do want to change, you need to think of a way of making sure you change for good, not just for the next four months.
I'm still not ready to have you back, I still want space for a week- I think it's good for both us. I've got a meeting on Thursday that is for relatives etc of those with drink issues (and if you don't believe you have an issue, then we are beyond fixing). I think it will help me get some perspective on things, so I'm happy to meet with you Friday if there is anything you want to talk about."