DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

Ah, see what you mean now Monster, sorry

I've been in this situation OP. Save yourself, your sanity and your child. Print out your post of 20:18 and look at it whenever you need strength. Good luck.

Monster, as a genuine question, isn't therapy a bit of a slow process for where the OP's at? I completely understand why it's helpful (and why it is not victim blaming) but I wonder if it will get straight to the more urgent need of her situation, so to speak?
Haven't done therapy in a crisis situation, so genuine question.

If he does 'change' then don't believe if after a week. It will takes months if not years before you should be at that stage.

And he has to do all the work from finding somewhere else to live and getting help with it. NOT YOU, you should only be looking after yourself and your DC.

I would say that for me the catalyst in changing things in my life was really "getting" that I couldn't change my binge drinking other half. It truly illuminated my thinking and allowed me to change everything.

If therapy helps the OP to get this illumination then so much the better. Without blaming any victim, all of us who have been in this situation realise that we did "allow" it, while other people may have said no. The key to getting out is understanding ourselves sometimes.

I think it probably takes a while to come to terms with the need to change he way that you think. If you have spent your life thinking that his is normal behaviour and that you essentially have to suck it up, it will take a while to think differently.

Definitely not a short term fix but it might be worth thinking about long term.

Sorry - aware I'm not Monster but that is how I've read it

Hi oP. I can only offer advice from the alcohol side of things I'm afraid. You cannot help anyone that doesn't want to help themselves. My fiance has drunk abnormal amounts from the age Of 15- his brother's and sisters are all the same. His circle of friends are all the same. I fell pregnant by accident. He promised he would change and it lasted all of about 5 minutes. He worships the ground I walk on. He promised he wwould change. Let me down over and over.
It's very very very easy to justify how much they drink when you know that you are no Angel yourself. But please believe me when I say this: the fact that you know 30pints is unreasonable is all you need. (I am absolutely aghast at the fact that your DH can put away 30pints, DF couldn't manage more than 15, and he has been a hardened drinker for 25years!)
Fast forwards year. DD was 7mo and things still hadn't changed. He went to work one day and was breathalysed- over the limit at 11am in the morning. I was so ashamed, so ashamed that he done this to us and I didn't speak to anyone for 3 days. He was sacked immediately.
The best thing I did was tell someone. Someone far removed from our friendship circle with a 'normal' perspective on life. I have been surrounded alcoholics for 22years- I had no idea that things weren't right.

His family thought I was being stupid too because they too, are alcoholics and don't realise. They have no idea.

He has changed. It has been a slow, painstaking process but it only began because he lost his job and had a serious health scare. It has been so hard because I love him. Just like you.

Please talk to your midwife, or someone unbiased. About the abuse, everything. None of this is your fault. It isn't. Please don't expose your baby to the domestic violence-it isn't fair.
I normally wouldn't say this because I do believe that people CAN change, only if they want to- but leave. Please. A baby won't make the abuse better. The alcohol is clouding the issue. I'm sure your DH is lovely when sober, but if he can't promise to be sober or drink a normal amount (1-3pints), it's not worth it.

I would text your SIL and ask her straight if he's gone to the pub. Hopefully, her loyalty is to you, not him.

I would want confirmation either way, just simply to see how sincere (or not) he was being when you talked earlier.

But if he turns up drunk and aggressive later this evening, please don't hesitate to call the police. You have to protect yourself and the baby.

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP.

Yes, totally agree that therapy could bring her to see the OP's powerlessness over her husband's addiction (sorry, OP, discussing you as if you're not here on your own thread for a moment). I was a bit curious over the time frame, though, as my only experience of therapy is that it isn't renowned for quick revelations. I guess, though, that there is a very broad range of experiences so I think I'm starting a bit of a red herring here!

My ex lost his licence twice and got sacked from loads of jobs. Funnily enough it was losing his best friend that made him give up the drink. Sadly he is as much of a twat sober as he was drunk

It's harder to detach than I thought. I'm so angry about the tracker thing, so I text him to say I knew it was off, and that meant he was in the pub. I said I knew he would deny it so I didn't expect a response, but I wanted him to know I would never believe his words and they meant nothing to me. He replied with
"I didnt no it was of, I just turned it on. I'm only at SIL's and have not gone to the pub today. I am sorry and I'm not drinking while your pregnent. I understand why you don't believe me, and I no I've said it before but this time I'm for real. I can't upset you anymore it's not good for the baby. I guess in time you will see I mean it. I love you so much And your my whole life. I ain't messing it up anymore. You make me so happy and your a perfect wife and you deserve better and that's why I'm making this change. Hand on heart I am sorry and I mean what I just said. Sleep well and I love you"

Arghhhh. My head thought "bollocks, ignore it. All talk" but I still cried. I need so desperately to give him this chance so I will know for sure if I do leave that I've done the right thing. He's not eloquent or particularly well educated, but he knows exactly what to say to make me want him back. I still won't take him back yet, I still need space but arghhhh.

Understand that there may be those who feel they can't stay on the thread, and that someone choosing to stay in this relationship is too difficult to watch.

SIL just text (coincidentally?!) to say DH is at hers and so sad. She just overheard her DH offer DH a beer, and she heard DH say "no thanks I'm not drinking anymore". Seems a bit convenient really. Going to ignore the well intentioned advice from his family.

Could you turn your phone off?

Of course he didn't just switch tracker off on his iphone location.
'Not drinking again whilst your pregnant' what about when baby is here?
Maybe he lied about being at pub does it really matter now?....what would you do if he admitted he had?

Yes the vocal response to being offered a beer does sound cringey....for your benefit I suspect.

Stop checking trackers and keeping tabs it's going to drive you mad.

Try and get some rest

SIL just text (coincidentally?!) to say DH is at hers and so sad. She just overheard her DH offer DH a beer, and she heard DH say "no thanks I'm not drinking anymore". Seems a bit convenient really.

At least you're not dumb enough to fall for that obvious load of bollocks.

He probably asked her to text you that.

Switch off your own tracker now. He has no need to know where you are.

Do yourself (and baby a favour)...if you decide to give him another chance, set yourself a limit to what you'll put up with before saying 'enough'.

Will it be ok if he only gets half as drunk as usual? Will it be ok if he goes on a bender to wet babies head? If its at 3 months??

Your dsis in law is trying to minimise this and the 'offering a beer' bit is bollocks. Why the guck is he being offered a beer anyway, even if it is true?!!!!!

His whole family are minimising and normalising his behavior....to them it is normal.
To be honest it's not just the drinking is it?....lack of trust....him accusing you of 'shagging' someone else?
Tracking each others movements....

Do you really want to be "waiting for something big to happen"

I would really advise you to quietly/secretly go to some Alanon meetings. I think you could do with building up a support network, and talking/listening to people who know what you are going through.

I have got a bit fixated on the 30 pints issue and just raised that with dh (not mentioning the rest of the thread). He calculated that at 69 units - meaning your husband would be over the limit for 2-3 days after drinking, which is worth bearing in mind in terms of him being safe to look after the baby. He then looked up the story of darts player Andy Fordham who went on lesser binges than your husband (25 bottles of beer in a session). He ballooned to 31 stone and was told 75% of his liver was dead and the remaining 25% was severely damaged. He went on the emergency transplant list for a new liver. Happily, he did give up drinking and lost 17 stone which has bought him some time in waiting for a new liver. (Am retelling this from memory of what dh told me so hopefully have it right). But if your husband truly, genuinely is consuming up to 30 pints in a session, that's a pretty grim glimpse of the future ahead of him.

I lived with a 20 / 30 pinter. He was/is a barman and this was par for the course with his crowd. Anyway to cut a long story short it ended with me in family court, black and blue, in front of a judge asking for a protection order to keep him away from me. I moved out that afternoon and never looked back.

Good luck OP, a baby didn't change my drinkers opinion on "socialising" either. I was also known as the killjoy of the group because I didn't approve of their sessions.

His family have drinking problems too. They will not realise what an issue this is.

Well done for ignoring them and keep it up.

If the tracker is always on, then yes he did turn it off and you know that.

Liar (on baby's life, natch).

And yes your SIL's call is a bit too convenient.

You know that too.

I just wish you all the best, OP, and my main bit of advice would be to listen to others who have been there. All of them seems to be saying that leaving is hard, but it's a damn sight easier than not leaving.

My sister was in a similar situation to you OP a couple of years ago, except it wasn't just alcohol that her DH would binge on. She was pg too and (as we all see it now) enabling him. He also didn't drink/ use very often, didn't drink during week - binges were every few weeks/ months and for that reason he and all of us took a while to believe he was an addict, but plenty of professionals assessed him as just that.

She desperately didn't want it to be happening. We all felt the same, she wanted her DH but without the addiction poison. She wanted a father for her child and a happy family. He was a decent bloke I'm every other way.

Things worked out ok for her so far, her DH admitted the problem, sought help, had a bit of a bumpy ride to recovery- tried and failed a few different ways. Is now a year clean and sober, working the 12 steps and going to AA. He takes responsibility for this, she is still suffering with trust issues etc but her life is so much better, as is his, than it was when they were both in denial.

ahoy I've read through the whole thread. I hope you're tucked up in bed now with the itracker disabled and phone turned off to get some much needed sleep.

There's so much wisdom on this thread so please don't leave it and please keep posting. Perhaps one day you will revisit some of the advice when you feel able to act on it. Just a few things to consider:

• your tone has changed with your posts as the thread has gone on to a more positive one. It seems as if you're realising this is not normal or acceptable behaviour.

• But please don't minimise anything that has happened to you. Being hit with a pillow and then having water chucked at you for a night out and dabbling in some narcotics does not warrant some huge crazy man in your face. Ever. It is not OK. I cried when I read you saying it sounded silly out loud.

• he is an alcoholic. The rosy picture you present of your ideal future is NEVER going to happen. He has to cut the booze completely forever or he will never change.

• the abuse is separate to this imo. He is abusing you when sober and abusing you when drunk. It doesn't matter if he's not physical as such, it is all abuse. Being an alcoholic only seems to enhance his abuse. Ring Women's Aid for advice or just support from someone neutral in rl. And never for one moment doubt that what you have experienced, and continue to experience, is abuse. I'm very much afraid that it is.

• you are surrounded by people who have an unhealthy approach to drink and this is something you have grown up with as has your h. The UK doesn't have the best attitudes to booze but even so this scenario you describe is not normal. My apologies for being lecture-ing but I suspect you have a bad relationship with/view of alcohol as well and AA meetings will provide you with such support. NOT that ANY of this with the H, your families etc is your fault. I am referring to some of the comments you've made about you and drinking and your outlook on it. You can have fun with no alcohol :) How do you break this cycle for the sake of your baby? Do you want he/she growing up with the approach that it's OK to drink 30 pints a session? Or even 10 which is

• your dad is wrong to not support you. This must have been hurtful. Perhaps something to think of is how you will be able to live if you move out with you and the baby. You can always do the sums and see what support is available to you as a single mum. There is lots of advice on here.

• you sound absolutely lovely and very strong to have stood your ground. Was that a first, telling him no? You have such a low opinion of yourself which made me :( as I think you are doing the best you can. I well know that feeling of desperately hoping and wishing my relationship well.

• I left my XH after 8 months of marriage. I received recriminations and outrage from all my family. My mum was always fawning over him and forever taking his side. They thought he was oh so lovely. I didn't tell either about the 8 years of neglect and psychological abuse and haven't to this day. But they've accepted it now 3 years later. I had to go through it all on my own but I did it. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and took moving halfway round the world to see what he was. Basically please don't feel you can't leave just because you married less than a year ago. It can be done.

• Do you not believe you deserve better than this?

I really rambled, so sorry, but your thread made me so aghast on your behalf. I'm not saying leave as only you can reach that conclusion, but just wanted to share a few thoughts and potential questions to ask yourself.

Finally please take good care of yourself
Stress takes its toll on the mother and unborn baby and being pg is hard work.

And very good luck to you with whatever you decide

OP my sister lived with a very handsome, charming rough diamond. I liked him a lot, we were good mates. They always had a pretty tempestuous relationship, but I figured she gave as good as she got.
Then one day she rang me in tears and confessed that he'd been violent to her for some time. He was dead to me from that day on. I wouldn't spit on him he was on fire.
What I'm trying to say OP is that your family aren't necessarily trying to minimise your situation. They just want to believe you will get your happily ever after. Chances are if they knew the truth about his behaviour to you they would be 100% on your side.

What I meant by therapy, is it's helpful to go to see an impartial person, who will help you see the wood from the trees until you are ready to make a decision about what path to take. It's especially helpful if you are surrounded by people who excuse and minimize the partners behaviours.

The OP did say she was not ready to leave for good so I was giving her a suggestion as to how to make her life easier and get stronger in the short term.

It worked for me in 10 weeks when I'd been living with XH for 5 years.

Sorry if it came across of victim blaming