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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

694 replies

AhoyMcCoy · 09/02/2014 00:57

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2014 18:23

How long though have you already waited for him to change?. Why do you think there is still the tiniest chance he might change?.

I still wonder why you think this relationship is at all a happy one given this comment from you:-

"And "oh well he hit me with a pillow a few times and threw water over me" sounds so ridiculous when you say it out loud. It doesn't seem like enough of a reason to end an otherwise happy relationship".

He drinks too much and is not above being violent to you. Your boundaries are pretty much non existent are they not?.

Fishandjam · 09/02/2014 18:24

I promise I won't ever let him hurt our child.

It may not be in your power to stop it.

And anyway, hurt doesn't have to be physical.

DollyTwat · 09/02/2014 18:26

It took me years to kick my ex out OP

I started a diary online, just to record the things that happened, as it's easy to forget.

One day the 'big thing' will happen, or even a small thing that is the final straw, and you'll have the strength to do it. You know it's inevitable already

I stayed with my ex until ds2 was 6 months old, then he was gone. I couldn't allow him to fuck up again

You'll get there, hopefully sooner than I did, for your own happiness

Lovethebubbles · 09/02/2014 18:28

Get out of this relationship now. It sounds dangerous and your child doesn't deserve to be in that situation.

Squeegle · 09/02/2014 18:33

Dear OP and others
I have been in your position so I do understand very much that hectoring doesn't help. The problem is that if you already feel that you are being pressured (by DP, by family etc), then it really does not feel great to have other people telling you what to do.

It is a place you have to come to with your own experience and so that you are in a place that you can commit yourself to the future because it's what you want/ need to do yourself.

And I think the steps you have taken are in the right direction and good on you.

All I would urge you to do is think to yourself:

What will i accept from this man, and what will I not.

You can't say to him don't drink. But you can say to him, I cannot stay with a man who drinks like this. Then you will be making your own decisions for you and your child. And he can make the same choices.

I could say SOOOOOOO much. You have had lots of good advice on this thread. My ex DP was like yours. Lovely a lot of the time. A complete tosser at others. It took me a long long time to stop excusing him and allow him to be responsible for his actions and for me to be responsible for mine. I really hope it takes you less time. You have options.

Just one more piece of my experience if I may share. When I actually stopped being ashamed and sharing how horrible my Ex was to me, it was a HUUUUUGGGGGEEE relief. It wasn't my secret. I could come out in the real world again. A world where someone who behaves like that is in the wrong. I got such a lot of support when I actually made my mind up and asked for it.

Good luck - and be strong and true to yourself. You know you shouldn't be treated like this.

LIZS · 09/02/2014 18:35

I know it will end up taking something big for me to leave him. And him getting drunk like that again would be "big" enough. And "oh well he hit me with a pillow a few times and threw water over me" sounds so ridiculous when you say it out loud. It doesn't seem like enough of a reason to end an otherwise happy relationship.

I promise I won't ever let him hurt our child. I swear down it will never get that far.

His behaviour will wear you down, conditioning you , as it already has, so that the lines of acceptable behaviour slip. There is no one you can depend on to give you that barometer. Little by little your perspective will warp until you no longer recognise the red flags , and perhaps not in time to make that decision :(

Logg1e · 09/02/2014 18:38

Where your daughter's safety is concerned, I think you should include raising his voice when she's in the house and driving her in the car when he's over the limit.

Rooners · 09/02/2014 18:50

OP,

there is nothing to stop you from having that perfect marriage you talk about, apart from the fact he doesn't bloody want it.

He's the only one stopping you.

Think about it. Would you behave like he has if you wanted that? No. You wouldn't.

He sounds about 12. He's not ready to be a grown up yet. You're trying to make him, and he's angry about it.

If you walk away now, you're still not preventing yourself having that future you describe. You may even be doing the only thing possible (from your side) to make it more likely.

But I don't think you understand this yet.

haveyourselfashandy · 09/02/2014 18:51

Sorry Ahoy,I'm abit late to this thread but wanted to put my opinion forward hope you don't mind.
I could tell from your first few posts that you wasn't going to leave your DH and I understand that.It's hard to see what's going on when your in it!
However,as an outsider reading the bit where he hit you with a pillow and poured water on you made me cringe,pouring water over someone is,in my eyes,similar to spitting on someone.It's done to humiliate the victim and its something I think you need to think about.
Your DH won't change his drinking habits.It's tough now but it will be tougher with a baby.You will stop challenging him because you will be frightened of him turning nasty with the baby there and soon enough it will just become your life.I know that's hard to imagine because he is so lovely when sober but it WILL happen.
I don't know what to suggest though because I completely understand you thinking of all the good things about your relationship and how hard it is emotionally and practically to leave.Just know that you can always come here to talk about things.There will always be someone here to listen and offer advice or just handhold when you want to rant!
Start thinking abit about yourself,keep telling yourself that you will not put up with this behaviour and that its not ok.

Rooners · 09/02/2014 18:52

In short, silk purse/pig's ear.

I am sorry. I know you are waiting till you feel that it's not possibly anything you have caused.

It isn't though. It's really not your fault he's such a complete cunt.

You are however implying acceptance of this behaviour if you stay with him. It's a green card to him to keep doing it.

This makes me so sad.

rainbowsmiles · 09/02/2014 18:55

Oh no I've just read your explanation re pillow and water and it just makes him sound even worse. That is awful. I really feel for you.

Right, I have no experience to offer but there are loads on here who can.

I really hope things work out for you and your wee baby.

mellicauli · 09/02/2014 19:02

It's not just you now. Do you want your child to be born into a household where during 30 pints is acceptable? And it's ok to hit your partner with a pillow and throw water at them? And to shout at others? If you stay you are saying that is fine and you are happy for your child to copy that behaviour I their life too.

I certainly wouldn't want that example for my kids.

CalamityKate · 09/02/2014 19:04

I hate threads like this.

Atilla is right. You're surrounded by idiots. Your poor poor baby.

DoloresTheNewt · 09/02/2014 19:10

I'm sorry to be harsh, OP, but assuming that your sister shared your upbringing, and your father is colluding with your DH in making you feel that you have unreasonable expectations of your menfolk and should just get pissed with them, I cannot put any faith in your sister's judgement, smart and independent though she may well be in other areas.

Original poster
AhoyMcCoy · 09/02/2014 19:15

He hasn't text me since he left. He's not sorry yet, but he's been with his family all day, and whilst I love them dearly, their limits of acceptable drinking are the same as his, because that is what they grew up with, so he won't be sorry yet. He will be indignant at how unfair I'm being. And how melodramatic. There will be lots of "she's pregnant bless her, and stressed. Buy her some flowers and tell her how sorry you are, she'll calm down", I just know it.

And you know that "find your iPhone" tracker app you can have? We both have that on our phones. In theory it's there so if you lose your iPhone, you can find it, but in reality I guess we both use it to 'check' where the other is. Me so I can find out where he is after he doesn't come home from a night out, and him to check I'm really out with the girls etc and not shagging about (and I can promise I've never given him a reason for him to think I would be). That's how low things have got and I'm embarrassed.

He's switched it off now. It's not been off in almost two years. That means he's gone to the pub, I know it. He'll have gone to the pub with his brother and switched it off so I can't ever "prove" he was in the pub.

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 09/02/2014 19:17

The thing is that whilst you think there is a chance he will change, you're going to flog that horse til it's well and truly dead.

So, whilst you do that, which I think you will, get some things planned for the inevitable. Save some money, stay at your dads as you'll need somewhere to live that's safe, start to manage on your own.

Logg1e · 09/02/2014 19:20

OP He's not sorry yet, but he's been with his family all day, and whilst I love them dearly, their limits of acceptable drinking are the same as his, because that is what they grew up with, so he won't be sorry yet. He will be indignant at how unfair I'm being. And how melodramatic. There will be lots of "she's pregnant bless her, and stressed. Buy her some flowers and tell her how sorry you are, she'll calm down", I just know it.

So long as you keep up the pretence that this is about drink and not abuse, his family will enable him.

And the think about the iPhone tracker? That's not part of a dream relationship.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 09/02/2014 19:23

Your relationship is over. What more do you need? Sad

Seems you are being let down by all the men in your life.

Only1scoop · 09/02/2014 19:28

I iphone tracking.
How awful starting your family life with such dreadful mistrust Hmm

scottishmummy · 09/02/2014 19:29

This is the reality of your marriage.a ducking diving drunk,you getting het up
You're not ready to leave him yet,as you want it give it a go,see if he'll change
This is it, the what ifs,rows and recrimination,this is your marriage.

take good care of yourself.talk to your me.they've heard most thing

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 09/02/2014 19:37

Right. Now that - the tracker thing - should REALLY tell you everything you need to know.

Your marriage is this, this is your marriage. This is him. Not 'him when drink' - him full stop. It's blown up for the first time and what's happened? He's gone to the pub.

If you do not leave this man you will have a life of misery.

It's much harder to leave when you have children.

'Not letting him hurt them' won't be in your power if you stay with him.

He won't change.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 09/02/2014 19:39

I know you attribute a lot of his behaviour to drinking, but keep in mind that he makes the decision to go out drinking when he's sober. Even knowing as he must what happens when he drinks and how it affects you, he still continues to make these kind of decisions when he is sober.

It's not down to drink. That's just an added facet of his bad behaviour.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 09/02/2014 19:39

He only does two things, anything he wants and anything that is easy. Other than that, forget it!

TippiShagpile · 09/02/2014 19:40

And he swore on your baby's life that he wouldn't drink whilst you're pg.

Tells you all you need to know.Hmm

Only1scoop · 09/02/2014 19:42

None of us are angels Op....
The bad side will eventually stain all the good things.
You aren't ready to call it a day, I realise that. The waiting for something 'big' worries me.
The foundations are rocky
The respect seems to have gone

If he's in the pub again tonight it's just really and other 'Middle finger' and 'smirk' in your direction.

Never show him this thread....never share your thoughts on MN with him. This is your sanctuary.

Take care