DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

I've tried cocaine once too, btw. Did DH use that as an excuse to assault me?
No he did not.

Men have openly fancied me too. Did DH beat me up for talking to them?
No he did not.

Really? He gets to down 30 pints of lager on a regular basis, and you're supposed to meekly accept it. But if you dare to have one night out and dabble very lightly with cocaine then he's perfectly justified in going completely ballistic? And he gets to be jealous of who you go out with? Your friends and what you do on your nights out are your business and yours alone.

Talk about double standards.

My DH occasionally disapproves of things I do, but all he does about it is make sad faces at me for a couple of minutes, because he recognises that I'm an adult who gets to make my own choices, and he has no rights over my behaviour.

What you've just posted doesn't make him sound even remotely justified for behaving how he did, it just paints him even more clearly as a controlling abuser with no respect for you.

You did nothing wrong.

He is a violent bully.

Anyone who can down 30 pints and not die ( even that darts player who weighed about 30st could manage only 25 before his liver packed in from weight and drink and he had to stop) has a SERIOUS addiction problem.

I don't give a shiny shite whether you took a combo of coke, pills and heroin.

He had no right to do what he did and the fact that he did makes him utterly dangerous to you and your baby.

I have a baby and the thought of him being in the same space as a man like your DH makes me feel Ill. You need to protect your baby, and yourself from him.

Don't show him this thread, this is a safe space for you.

My ex is an alcoholic op. Recovering one

I'd say your h is viewing this as you overreacting to him going out and getting a bit smashed. He doesn't think there's an actual problem here and that you'll be cross for a few days, he'll promise not to do it again and life will carry on. He expected a row with you - that's the part you are supposed to play, he just didn't expect this big a reaction

I can tell you life with an alcoholic and a baby us awful. Because you're stuck. They can go out all the time. When you're tired they can't/won't help. They spend all day Sunday recovering.

I'm glad you're being strong. When you do talk to him in a few days, try not to be 'the one who's forgiving him' as then you are then playing the part of the angry wife. If you can talk to him and explain you are not prepared to live like this, that until he can sort out his alcohol problems, you won't consider him coming back

Do you know, if you are starting fom the point that being out with a man he doesn't like and taking cocaine makes his reaction reasonable, then you are lost.

You don't love him. You love the man he is when he isn't pissed and treating you with utter contempt. But the drunk bully actually is who he is. You just want to ignore that.

From WA website.

What is domestic violence?

Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship. Acknowledging these factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse. This list can help you to recognise if you, or someone you know, are in an abusive relationship.

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting; mocking; accusing; name calling; verbally threatening.

Pressure tactics: sulking; threatening to withhold money, disconnecting the telephone, taking the car away, taking the children away, or reporting you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands;
threatening or attempting suicide; withholding or pressuring you to use drugs or other substances; lying to your friends and family about you; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.

Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people; not listening or responding when you talk; interrupting your telephone calls; taking money from your purse without asking; refusing to help with childcare or housework.

Breaking trust: lying to you; withholding information from you; being jealous; having other relationships; breaking promises and shared agreements.

Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing friends and relatives; shutting you in the house.

Harassment: following you; checking up on you; not allowing you any privacy (for example, opening your mail), repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you; embarrassing you in public; accompanying you everywhere you go.

Threats: making angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun; threatening to kill or harm you and the children; threatening to kill or harm family pets; threats of suicide.

Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts; having sex with you when you don't want it; forcing you to look at pornographic material; forcing you to have sex with other people; any degrading treatment related to your sexuality or to whether you are lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual.

Physical violence: punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning; strangling.

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen; saying you caused the abusive behaviour; being publicly gentle and patient; crying and begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.

Who is responsible for the violence?

The abuser is always responsible for the violence, and should be held accountable. There is no excuse for domestic violence and the victim is never responsible for the abuser's behaviour.

'Blaming the victim' is something that abusers will often do to make excuses for their behaviour, and quite often they manage to convince their victims that the abuse is indeed their fault. This is part of the pattern and is in itself abusive. Blaming their behaviour on someone else, or on the relationship, their childhood, their ill health, or their alcohol or drug addiction is one way in which many abusers try to avoid personal responsibility for their behaviour.

It is important that any intervention to address domestic violence prioritises the safety of victims/survivors and holds the perpetrators accountable.

References

Department of Health (2002) 'Women's Mental health: Into the Mainstream: Strategic development of mental health care for women' (London: DH)
Farmer, E. and Pollack, S. (1998) 'Substitute care for sexually abused and abusing children' (Chichester: Wiley)
Walby, Sylvia and Allen, Jonathan (2004) 'Domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking: Findings from the British Crime Survey' (London: Home Office Research, Development and Statistics Directorate)

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Finding this thread depressing.

Of course your sister text you that- she doesn't know he poured water on your head and beat you with a pillow (I cringe at that- really degrading). I don't care that you'd been with a group of guys and tried coke- wtf did he think he was doing?!

Sorry to be tough but really...stop going on about what a great guy he is. Doesn't matter- it's all negated by the shit behaviour.

Wait til you've got a screaming 3 month old and he's out on a bender. When you haven't even had time to eat much more than a sandwich all day, not had time for a shower and he falls in bladders through the door at 4am.... You might not think him so lovely then.

Or your baby needs to see a doctor urgently and he is too drunk to drive.

Dear OP, I am an old woman, in my seventies. So I've seen an awful lot - hopeless drunks, violent abusers, emotional abusers, con-men who've bled their wives out of every penny, workshy scum who've felt entitled to let their wives work like slaves to keep them, shameless adulterers, including one who visited his wife in hospital, as she lay there with her one day old new baby, and told her he was off with another woman.

But I felt an especial despair as I read your thread. I fear for you and your unborn child. As others have pointed out, your husband is surrounded by enablers, and I include your father in this category. I've met men like him (I was married to one) - he sides with the drunken sot that's your husband because it's 'all boys together' in the face of 'a silly little woman'. Frankly, your father is an utter disgrace too. You're his DAUGHTER and he should love you and put you above all others - which means slinging out that ghastly drunk.

I get all the hearts and flowers stuff you're extolling - you're newly married (WHY the hell did you marry a drunk), the sun shines out of his sorry arse when he's sober, he's fun, sweet, longing to be a dad ... by God, he's got you bewitched and bedazzled.

But make no mistake. Forgive him, stay with him, and you're probably doomed to a life of misery and so is your child. From what you describe of his drinking (THIRTY pints?) I don't think any bookie would even give odds on him not killing himself or someone else while driving/dying of cirrhosis of the liver/being arrested/seriously hurting you or your child/killing, yes KILLING you or your child during some drunken rampage.

Could he change? Possibly but I'd say, given the enablers around, including - sorry - forgiving you, probably not. You are in for a truly horrible future, OP, if you don't act now, before your poor baby is here. I hate to think of you or your child just being another tragic statistic in a year or so.

OP

what would you do if social services took your baby away because its father was a violent drunk? Would all this love you have for him be worth it then? That might sound OTT but it could happen.

You need to make a choice or else let someone else potentially make it for you.

"I'll name change after this, and maybe step away from the thread"

I would implore you to do neither as doing that will not help you. What would that do realistically?. Its further running away to my mind and your problems are all too bloody real and certainly not imagined.

And for the love of God, do not show your H this thread!.

You really learnt an awful lot of damaging stuff when you were growing up didn't you?.

This is an utterly depressing thing, but I'm going to say it.

A friend of mine, about 20 years ago, when I was in my 20's, married a man that was both a heavy drinker and abusive. While she was pregnant, he pushed her over quite harshly when shouting at her and labour started. When she got to hospital, they managed to stop it. A few weeks later, her husband did it again. That time, they were unable to stop labour, and her baby was born very very premature. (IIRC was about 27+ wks?) Her daughter had numerous disabilities, and spent the next 6 months hooked up to machines, and finally passed away about 6 months later.

Please please remember how very vulnerable you will be while you are pregnant. And how vulnerable that baby will be once it's born.

Nowhere near this man is safe.

Really respecting the wise words from oldgranmama

Here is a woman who has seen and lived life. She is giving you very sensible advice as to what is happening and how it is likely your life will turn out. You are very lucky to be able to get such good advice as this. Please heed it. Or you will be a woman in your 70s telling younger women, please don't make the mistakes I did. Don't be that person. Listen to the collective wisdom of total strangers who don't know you and have no agenda other than the wellbeing of you and your baby

Make plans to get the fuck out while you still can!!

Hectoring the op to take action,lengthy prose about what's abuse,WA and LTB
none of this will compel her to go if she's not ready.reading her post she's not ready
She'll need to get to her break point.shes not there yet.mn can't save op,or anyone else.

Aah OP I see. It was your fault that he starting hitting you and threw you. I thought it would be.

See what he is doing there?

Nothing is his fault. Ever. It's all you.

And it will be your fault that you split up. Not his.

Do you not see a pattern here?

Op gets disorientated and bullied by her husband.And she's getting hectored on mn
Some of you need to take a reflective step back.stop being so shrill.stop commanding her
Statistically vulnerable people have many almost go.and give Second/third etc chances

It's not unusual for partying couples to experience a bit of a bumpy ride when the pregnancy comes along. It is an adjustment. Your sister probably thinks this is what it is.

What you are experiencing is not adjustment. This is plainly an abusive relationship. He is an abusive alcoholic and until he stops drinking you should not allow him to share a home with you and your precious new baby.

This might have a happy ending but only if you make good well advised choices. If your sister has offered you that advice I'd be wary of her advice.

There have been loads of good balanced advice please keep listening and acting on it. Really pleased your going to Al. Hope you stay focused on your baby.

I simply want her to remember that when she is 7, 8, 9 months pregnant, she is going to be moving slower and possibly awkwardly and if he gets physical, she will not be able to simply move quickly out of the way. She will be incredibly vulnerable, and whatever physical damage she may sustain may affect the pregnancy as well.

That is a huge bit of information she needs to remember. And he could be very well behaved for 6 months out of the pregnancy, and then be god-awful for 5 minutes - 5 lousy minutes out of the entire pregnancy. And that 5 minutes could be the life-changer.

ScottishMummy is right. I'm not ready to leave him yet. Not while there is the tiniest chance he might change. If I have a hope in hell at the perfect life with him that I dreamed of, then I'll cling to it.

I know it will end up taking something big for me to leave him. And him getting drunk like that again would be "big" enough. And "oh well he hit me with a pillow a few times and threw water over me" sounds so ridiculous when you say it out loud. It doesn't seem like enough of a reason to end an otherwise happy relationship.

I promise I won't ever let him hurt our child. I swear down it will never get that far.

I will go to Al-anon. I will keep a diary of the little things he does that seem controlling/abusive, so when I leave I can look back and remember I gave it 100% and I couldn't have done more. That's not to say I haven't appreciated all the advice, and I have read it all through my tears today, but I need to be 100% totally sure this relationship isn't salvageable so I don't spent a life of "what ifs".

Poor baby.

I agree with scottishmummy.
Stop hectoring the OP.

Good luck OP. MN will be here when that day arrives.