DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

Of course your life isn't just this thread! But that doesn't for one moment mean that you should put up with this. This is abuse. Yep, it may be happening on the most wonderful, lovey dovey background where it's all hearts and flowers. But that doesn't detract from the fact that he is abusive.

Oh sorry, the other alternative I didn't mention - he will kill an innocent person whilst drunk-driving (you admit he was drunk this morning and he got behind the wheel). Maybe another woman's little child like the one you are carrying, maybe someone's decent and caring husband. And he'll go to prison. That's a fairly likely outcome as well.

This thread has me worried sick. Am terrified for you and your baby.

Your sisters text means nothing because she doesn't know what he's done.

You have to tell her, he's a monster.

The water/pillow thing is utterly chilling.

Glad you are going to Al anon. But please properly confide in your sis, she will support you.

know LTB is what anyone reading this thread would say. But our lives are so much more than one thread. My wonderful sister (and she is wonderful. Probably the smartest most indepdant take-no-shit person I've ever met) just text me to say "You both love each other enough so you'll find a way to solve this. Hopefully a bit of time to think will help him understand how important this issue is to you", and I guess I'm only saying that to you all so you don't think I'm a total fool when I (eventually) give him another chance. Someone who knows and loves me thinks my relationship isn't worth throwing away yet.

Sorry but you are surrounded by enablers and fools. Your sister is in no way smart at all. Too many seemingly confident women on the surface have low self worth and would thus put up with any old rubbish their man throws at them. How much more of your time and effort are you prepared to waste on this person?. He has not changed at all to date and why should he now?. Your sister too is also not having to deal with the realities of him day to day unlike yourself. She clearly has no idea at all (as have you to date) what alcoholism is all about. Alcoholism is truly a family disease.

What on earth did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Your Dad from what I have read of him on here is a real mess and your mother is not the sort of person you would go to with a problem. The problem you have here is that no-one is looking out for you and no-one ever really has either. You've been on your own and you still are really; it was almost inevitable as a result that you would end up with a man whose primary relationship in life is with drink. No-one has cared for you at all and you probably went with the first man who showed you any interest whatsoever because life at home was so awfully bad.

OP, I don't know what he is doing or what he plans to do. Iv not spoken to him properly yet. He still seemed drunk/hungover a bit this morning, more like he was a bit bewildered at me kicking up such a fuss. He looked faintly amused at one point

So he's going to do nothing There are no consequences for his behaviour. There is no motivation to change.

OP you've described a lovely fantasy with a man who behaves in all those nice ways and your life together would indeed be great.

It's just, the man you've described isn't your H. It's his potential - fair enough - and maybe he 'could be' everything you want in a man.

The problem is he's decided he doesn't want to be. I think you should be hurt by that. And realise from it that if he doesn't want to be the 'everything' guy for you now, he isn't likely to suddenly realise how much he loves you in a week or two and start being it then.

You're in love with an idea - dare I say it - not with him. Love has to go both ways. It doesn't sound like he loves you or like you really, actually, love him, not the way he really is.

Is there ANYone you know - a friend, a colleague - anyone at all who sees this bloke for what he is and can't stand him?

If so then please seek their advice and support. They are pretty much right. They may be willing to help you.

Sounds like your whole family is conditioned to try and perpetuate the union at any cost to your mental and physical wellbeing.

As I said earlier, you're being sold out. What makes them put his desires above your wellbeing? Do they not like you very much?

jellyandcake said, "He doesn't value your opinions. He sees no problem with his behaviour. He simply knows you don't like it so he will appease you for a while."

This really sums it up beautifully. She is quite right that any remorse shown by him is just to appease you - he really doesn't understand. If he did, he would actually stop drinking, and would completely accept that you need him to give you space until he has proven himself genuinely committed to change.

Anything he says is just noise. Tell him you need actions. Solid, long-term actions before you will even consider resuming your relationship.

I send you the most massive hug. You sure as Hell need one. It really upsets me that you aren't getting the support from people around you that you need. But hopefully you are feeling the love and compassion through this thread. Going to Al-Anon is a brilliant idea; please make sure you DO GO even if he tries to wheedle his way back home. Sadly there is nothing you can do to force him to address this issue. AA is what he needs, but HE has to make that decision and want to face up to his addiction. My father used to beat up my mother (who divorced him when I was 1) and then my stepmother. He only stopped when she - finally - left him (and she stayed FAR too long). He went into treatment and joined AA. Social drinking won't work for him. Really. He may well mean it when he swears on your unborn baby's life, but he will be incapable of sticking to any promises he makes. You MUST do what is right for you and the baby. Really, really hard to have the courage to do this when others around you are being enabling and treating you as if you are 'over-reacting', but you are clearly a bright woman and this thread is full of really wonderful, thoughtful advice. I salute your courage. Please, please stick to your guns. So glad MN is here to provide this sort of support to people like you who are being let down by family.

If you turn off the 'soundtrack' and observe his actions things would seem clearer. Ignore what he says, just look at what he is doing. That is reality, that is what matters.

I don't see any remorse at all.

He ignored your request for space, followed you around telling you how it's all your fault for being hormonal.

Drunk driver, utterly inexcusable.

Sent you texts telling you off for daring to be displeased.

Told you he would leave then came back anyway with the I am your husband routine.

Smirked in the face of all of the above.

Please tell me where this wonderful, prince of a man was in the least bit genuinely sorry?

He is not sorry. He wants you to STFU and assume normal position, i.e. you enabling his alcoholic violent behaviours.

I think you should confide in your sister. Tell her everything. If you don't, you're just protecting him - can't you see that? How can you get sensible advice if you're not being honest about the extent of the problems? Your sister is telling you you'll sort it out because she thinks you're just pissed off with him for going out and getting drunk a few times. If she knew that he'd beaten you with a pillow, thrown water all over you and knocked you on the floor I very much doubt she'd be giving the same advice.

As for your dad, if you don't want to give him the honest, no details spared version, for god's sake say 'Look Dad, there is more to this than I want to tell you right now, so please just believe me when I say we need to have a trial separation'. He's your dad - he'll be on your side - but you need to let him in a bit.

But Ahoy your sister doesn't know your relationship. She doesn't know about the violence, the binges, throwing the laptop etc she only knows the surface which you've allowed her to see.

So your sister may think the relationship is worth saving, but if she knew the truth I bet she wouldn't.

If you're not ready to tell your family about the aggressive and abusive behaviour, then do yourself a favour. Ring Womens Aid and tell THEM about it. See what they say. Tell them EVERYTHING. And then listen to what they tell you. Really listen.

Oh, and Ahoy - another thing I wanted to say: I know it must feel awful for you because you feel love for this man and insist he is lovely 'most of the time'. But I promise you, real love isn't like this. I have been in relationships where there was loads of anxiety and intensity and tension and passion and all of that .I used to think that the intensity of it all showed that it was real love. Then I met my DH and learned that love should be about feeling safe and calm and secure. Very different, but I can't tell you how it felt like a light bulb going off. Stick to your guns. You are a brave woman.

Of course your sister wants you to work it out - she doesn't know the half of it.

I'll name change after this, and maybe step away from the thread. I was going to show it to DH- to show him all the women who wouldn't put up with it, and who think I should leave, and to show him that just because I'm not there 'yet' doesn't mean I won't be. But I know what he'd say if I showed him this thread- he would say I didn't tell the full story of the pillow incident, and he's right.

This is the worst drip feeding ever, but I'm ashamed. The night of the pillow/water incident, I'd been out drinking with a large group from work, and went back to one guys house. They were doing cocaine. I rubbed some in my gums. First and only time I've ever done it. It was stupid, beyond stupid, and I regret it.

I came home about 3am, and DH was fuming at me already. Questioning where I'd been, took my phone off me, read through my texts, and was in my face about where I'd been and who I'd been with. I told him- that I'd been with a group that included a bloke he disliked (the blokes only crime was fancying me apparently - and I'm positive he doesn't fancy me, it's just in DHs head), and I told him I tried cocaine.

That's why he went so mental at me. I'm no angel.

My life is sounding so Jeremy Kyle, and like I feed off drama, so I might take a step back for a bit. I will go to Al-Anon on Thursday, and decide things from there.

Thanks all for the posts. I promise I've taken it in and I'll come back to this thread and re-read things and remind myself of things.

I think you need to be really honest with your dad as well. Don't be ashamed. How do you think your dad would feel if he couldn't protect his daughter from this awful man, just because you felt you couldn't tell him?

So you had coke on a night out.

Still doesn't give him the right to abuse you. Even if you were swinging from the chandelier shagging the bloke. There is no excuse.

Do not ever show him this thread.

Delurking to say that you are not to blame for his violence against you regardless of taking cocaine and having an ill advised night out! He should not have been "in your face" and reading your texts. It is NOT OK what he has done/is doing and I agree with others you really ought to be more honest with your family and close friends (maybe not your dad...) as they will be apologising/enabling your DH without knowing the whole story. Good luck, it sounds like you have made the first step and I hope it's not too long until the other shoe drops.

He still shouldn't have attacked you, cocaine or no cocaine. It's fine to disapprove or be angry with you or doing that, but it's not okay to attack you regardless of what you have done. You are making excuses for him I'm afraid.

But honestly, it crossed my mind before that if I needed to leave him, I could cheat on him and he would leave me for sure.

Based on what he did to you just because he thought a bloke fancied you, I think if you cheated on him there is a reasonable chance he would beat you to death.

That's certainly the message he was trying to give you with that horrendous, humiliating assault he carried out.

And rubbing a bit of cocaine on your gums (or even taking lines of cocaine ALL FUCKING NIGHT) would not justify what he did to you.

So he gets to down 30 pints every week but you don't get to choose what poisons to put in your own body?

Also, you keep saying how nice he is when he's sober, but he's still being an utter prick to you today.

The way he dismisses you and talks down to you is awful.

And yes, he has deliberately kept you reliant on him for lifts.

Which one of us is an angel? And frankly, I don't' think trying cocaine is the crime of the century. So he is allowed to threaten you and be 'in your faces' because you have a late night? I don't think so. Good luck - you will get there in the end and be so glad you did.

Darling it doesn't matter how daft you were, that is still no excuse for what happened

You seem to be willing to blame anyone (mainly yourself) for what has happened/ is happening. This is not your fault. You really have to be kinder to yourself, you're not the demon you're making yourself out to be.

Please, please keep posting - you'll get all the support and hand holding you want. Don't be alone xx

Do not ever show him this thread.

x2

And also - DO NOT invite your abuser to the only place where you seem to have any support.

Don't mention Mumsnet, don't let him see you online.

This is a space for YOU to get support and you are far better off if he doesn't come here to read the advice you are getting.