DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

[AhoyMcCoy]

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

He won't change if he doesn't recognise why he has to change. He won't recognise the need to change whilst he is surrounded by people - including your own father - who tell him he is being reasonable. These people won't stop enabling him unless they realise the extent of his behaviour.

You shouldn't be the person who feels ashamed of his aggression. He is the only one who should feel shame, embarrassment and guilt at the way he has treated you.

Can you write a letter (or even email) to your dad, sister and maybe some of his family listing the various things he has done and reasons you need him out of the house, if you can't bring yourself to say them out loud? They (especially your own family) really need to know about this so they can support you, I am sure your dad in particular would be more supportive if he knew the full story.

At the moment, it sounds like your dad is also minimising things, perhaps out of a little selfishness - it sounds as though he really gets on with your H and finds him "fun", so does not want to give that up by kicking him out (do they chat a lot etc?). But it won't help you (or your H in the long run, either) if he's allowed to keep his rose-tinted view of things.

The other thing that really really needs addressing is the drunk driving. You know he is doing this, and as long as he keeps doing it there's a very good chance of him hurting/killing someone (or himself). You KNOW just telling him not to is like asking the tide to stop coming in; and I'm sure you would feel terrible if he did cause an accident. So please do consider calling the police, or alternatively remove his access to the car if there's a way to do that (whose is it?). PLEASE don't just turn a blind eye...

OP I noticed something you said about not wanting to be divorced after being married less than a year.

How similar your story is to mine is odd. Anyway I want to tell you something. I married my ex while I was pregnant and his behaviour at its worst. I did it because we had set the date before I pregnant and I was terrified of being on my own and I admit, a little part of me hoped he would change, he didn't.

I left after a total of 6 months marriage under my belt and a new born. I was embarrassed and worried what people would think but everyone was supportive. Nobody made me feel like a failure.

Single parenthood was a doddle in comparison to dealing with my ex. If it comes down to it you can do it. You may not have the support of your dad right now but ifhe knew eveeverything his opinion may be different. You have your Sis and I'm sure others who will support you. Don't ever feel trapped because you are embarrassed. If anyone looks down on your for it, they aren't worth it anyway.

sleeping off his hangover? so after he told you he swore down on the babies life that he wouldn't drink again while you are pregnant he went and got pissed again?

Sorry typos, phone has a mind of its own

Op just read the post about him throwing your lap top.

My ex was wonderful when not drunk....a professional....handsome....wonderfulguy.
He never admitted he had a problem because he didnt drink everyday. Every weekend turned into a waste. Watching him 'sleep it off' ugghhhh I can see it now....what a turn off.

We lived together and he slowly became a little more controlling. 'Smashing lap top' if I wasn't listening. Yes he was drunk and did that.

Within a few weeks it was my jaw he 'accidentally' smashed. As I asked him to leave and he didn't like that at all.

At the time I was a career girl travelling all over the world....attractive....educated....

Things like this didn't happen in real life did they?

I found out the hard way. The signs were subtle at first and I don't want to worry you.... but would emplore you to take complete control of this situation....whilst you still can

Please be kind to yourself love, stress not good for you or that previous baby x

'Precious baby' ....sorry fingers to fat for phone

You are doing really well op.

He doesn't strike me as father or even partner material.

The fact that you knowingly got pregnant with a man that drinks to this excess, says a lot about your upbringing and current environment. By getting pregnant you have increased the odds, not reduced them, of becoming another domestic violence statistic. Babies are emotionally demanding, financially draining and are a real test of relationships.

You are a lone voice, your H and everybody around him acts like its not a big deal. He won't stop drinking until he's ready, and your unborn child was never going to be an incentive to stop.

This isn't about you anymore, it's about your child and not having their childhood blighted by a drunk and aggressive father and their enabling mother.

People don't grow out of addictions they have to acknowledge them and work bloody hard at recovery.

Contact Al Anon.

Ahoy You are braver than I thought you would be. Could you show your dad this thread. My dh would swing for any son in law that did that to his daughters. And my dh is no angel.
Is your Mum around?
Your dsis sounds lovely and will support you.
If you don't tell your dfather and inlaws what has made you throw dh out then they can't know. They are not mindreaders. You must tell them of the abuse. If they don't care then you don't need them in your life as they don't care for you.

I can't tell anyone about his aggression yet. Because IF things are different this time, and IF he changes, they don't need to know.

What things do you think will be different and how are you hoping he'll change?
I don't think he will, and if he does change it is better if people know because then he knows you will tell of anything he does. Keeping things a secret is giving power to abusers.

Not telling people is also an excuse for you to go back. If you tell people you will get more support.

What do I hope will be different and how am I hoping he will change? Honestly, I'm hoping this will be the wake up call he needs. That he'll realise it for real this time, and stop going out with 'the lads' as much. That he will WANT to stay in with me and our baby- because when he is sober and he talks about our future, he wants that all so much. And I don't think I'm being gullible and naive, he really does want that life. He'd love to be a doting dad with his baby on a sling in his front- he's wanted to be a dad for so so long. He sings to my bump, he chats to it, he can't wait to meet our baby.

I'd hope that occasionally we could go out drinking together and laugh and have a great time and he would be that funny perfect guy that everyone loves, and we would come home together with our kebabs (gross I know!) laughing about stuff. And maybe once a year he'd go on a stag weekend or a boys weekend away, and it wouldn't bother me, because then I would trust that he could drink a reasonable amount.

That's what I really want. And I'm hoping a trial separation gives me all that and I won't have to do anything more.

But would I leave if he didn't change? I would. I honestly would. This is his last and final chance, and I won't take him back until I believe his words. There is an al-anon meeting being held near me Thursday evening. I'll go to it.

And I won't be the person posting this again in 5 years time. I can't emphasise enough how this baby is my number 1 priority, and I won't expose my child to the drunk DH I saw last night.

"I can't emphasise enough how this baby is my number 1 priority, and I won't expose my child to the drunk DH I saw last night".

And that thought needs to remain in your head because your man will let you down again. I would be making any trial separation a permanent one.

You're going to AA (which I think is a good idea - information is power and all that). What's he doing?

He has not got the ability to drink a reasonable amount; that is just not within him.

As he is an alcoholic he should not be drinking at all, even social drinking is now out.

All he is doing is calling the OP names for daring to stand up for herself.
He is surrounded by enablers who will reinforce his denial.
He is not going to do one thing in order to address his violent, alcoholic behaviours.
Because he doesn't have a problem, it's your hormones remember?
And as he has graciously put a ring on your finger he feels perfectly entitled to do as he pleases.

Can you PLEASE stop rhapsodising about this man? We get it. We get that you love him and see him as otherwise 'perfect' and that his family and friends think so too. Get it out of your head that this man is ever going to be able to accompany you on drinking jollies which do not lead to him being outrageously pissed. HE HAS CROSSED THAT LINE. Thirty pints is what this man enjoys, not three pints and a kebab with the missus. This monster (the booze) is way bigger than any of you and you are not seeing him for what he is now: an abusive, selfish addict. You refuse to see it and are still lionising the man he is when sober. Mr Wonderful died when he belted you with a pillow, chucked water all over you, threw you to the floor and continued to put his love of drink before you and the baby.

I don't know what he is doing or what he plans to do. Iv not spoken to him properly yet. He still seemed drunk/hungover a bit this morning, more like he was a bit bewildered at me kicking up such a fuss. He looked faintly amused at one point

I know how difficult I'd find it to leave him- he has the ability to be everything I ever wanted. He is my best friend. He makes me laugh so hard and smile so offen. But honestly, it crossed my mind before that if I needed to leave him, I could cheat on him and he would leave me for sure. That's awful isn't it? That I've thought about how to make him leave me.

Don't really get on with my Mum, no. She's certainly not the sort of person I'd ever go to with a problem.

I know LTB is what anyone reading this thread would say. But our lives are so much more than one thread. My wonderful sister (and she is wonderful. Probably the smartest most indepdant take-no-shit person I've ever met) just text me to say "You both love each other enough so you'll find a way to solve this. Hopefully a bit of time to think will help him understand how important this issue is to you", and I guess I'm only saying that to you all so you don't think I'm a total fool when I (eventually) give him another chance. Someone who knows and loves me thinks my relationship isn't worth throwing away yet.

He. Will. Not. Change.

Really, he won't.

Oh jeez, sorry crossed post with the "rhapsodising" one above. Hadn't realised I was doing it so much, although can see I just did it. I guess I wanted people to know that if my life was just this thread, I'd leave today. But it's not, IYSWIM.

Does sis know about the violence?

You need to tell her about the pillow/laptop/water etc. she is not going to be able to fully understand and support you if you don't.

What Aching said plus

He drinks and drives ....did it only this morning. Kind of selfish twunt that would kill someone else's loved ones/children....

Pure Vile

How will he go from 30 pints to the kind of normal social drinking you describe? I would suspect he will give it up for a while - maybe even indeed until the baby is born. You will believe his words. He'll go out on a reasonable pretext - maybe even to celebrate the baby's birth. He will make lots of promises to you and you will believe them. But he has a compulsion - an irresistible compulsion - to drink the way he used to. The people around him will encourage this.

The outcome? The shock of such an insane binge (30 pints!) might kill him outright, leaving your baby fatherless. He might have a stupid drunken accident that leads to the same outcome. He might come home and when you display your anger and frustration at the state he is in, he might swing for you. He might clumsily attempt to cuddle the baby, breathing beer fumes all over it , and drop it.

Or maybe this time he will come home in a decent state after you've bitten your nails ragged with worry all evening. And you will just wait til the next time.

That's the outcome if he doesn't seek treatment. A trial separation may give you a temporary solution. But a man who drinks to that extent, who drives drunk and who attacks his wife will not be fixed by a week apart 'facing the consequences'. There are no real consequences for him. He doesn't take your words seriously. He doesn't value your opinions. He sees no problem with his behaviour. He simply knows you don't like it so he will appease you for a while.

He needs professional help. I hope al-anon helps you, but he needs to seek help as well.