Public reaction to affairs!

[NakedTigarCub]

Hi

I know this is a differcult topic but I would like others point of view on this please.

A couple I know well have split up. The dh had an affair and the wife kicked him out and he is now living with the ow and her kids. He has filed for devorce for HER unreasonable behaviour. The wife is fine with this as she just wants to get rid of the cheating twat.

Im truly shock that noone care he had an affair. Not his or ow kids, not his coworker not even the wife's Father that still sees and chats to the exh. When the wife was talking about it in a group another women said "I see you are still smarting about the affair"

The exh has not recieved any negative reaction from anyone. Is this normal now that people just swap and change partners when ever they want with no reprocusions?

In my experience plenty of people in RL judge and have an opinion. My previously best friend no longer speaks to me because my DH and I decided to make things work. She's told me I am pathetic. A neighbour will no longer have anything to do with my DH and by extension me. This is a shame, we were once good friends. A family member has also cut us both out of their lives. I have been more hurt by other people's reactions than by the affair itself. What does that say???

It is better imo if people accept relationships are complicated and don't get involved. It helps no one.

I have been more hurt by other people's reactions than by the affair itself

Really?????

Lots of intresting comments on here so far.

I agree their relationship was toxic and the wife wanted to go to relate, the ex was put under mental health team for depression but refused help or relate, instead he turned to a coworker and had an emontional affair the wife asked for him to cut contact and move departments, ex didnt or couldnt leave coworker alone so wife asked him to leave and he only had coworker to go to. The break up or ending of the relationship is a good one but its how the man chose to exit it. I agree he is a coward making the decision his wifes.

Intresting about the view from his new partner as she is the OW. The man now claims he left due to his wifes behaviour and not to be with ow. The wife was asked not to call at the door, call the house phone when dropping the kids off as if the ow has been wronged by her or that she is now the ow or wrong doer.

I like the idea of public blanking but how long before you all move on and accept the new family and again the impact on his kid?

Im not ignoring the abuse but its the wife that needs to report it and press charges, currently is the anger, the shouting and swearing on the mans part at hand over and the refusal to have other family or friends hand over his children to him.

In general if you think marrage vows are made to be braken dont get married. If a marrage isnt working both people have to change and work together to make it work. If you think a relationship will not work out then dont have choldren with that person as you have to coparent for the rest of your life. It hurts when you believe what you have is worth fighting for but the other person is not intredted you do feel hurt lied to and betraied.

On the sibject of abuse: if a mum and dad are having a row do you call the police because they are swearing and threatening each other? How does that help the family?

OP, wake UP!

People do not get married thinking that they are going to have affairs. Nobody gets married thinking that they won't be together always.

If you're seeing abuse then report it if it's in the best interests of the child(ren). You seem to have downgraded it to parents swearing and threatening each other. Which is it?

You like the idea of 'public blanking'? Are you proficient with knitting needles and would welcome the return of the guillotine by any chance? What about making your own mind up whether you will accept the man and his partner into your circle of friends and leave it at that. We don't 'stone' in this country and 'sending to Coventry' is likely to be ignored, but feel free.

You say that you're supporting the wife in all this but you seem terribly invested in the affair. Why is that exactly?

I think your priorities are all wrong here.

... and you have NO idea about their relationship unless you are one of the two/three in it. Which are you? Husband? Wife? OW? Or just a terribly nosy onlooker into somebody else's relationship breakdown.

Why don't you focus that attention on the children of this relationship that you keep posting about as being abused... if you really care about them, that is. Or will you just keep impotently banging on about the affair and the fact that your friend's father hasn't blanked his son-in-law. Think about that for a minute and ask yourself why that could be?

I had a long term affair which lasted 4 and a half years. In my case my DH hasnt touched me for many years. Now i realise that isnt an excuse. I didnt get married thinking.....ooh i will have an affair several sexless years later. In my case my affair was a full blown emotional relationship too. Because it is not only the sex that is/was missing but the affection too. if you ever see or suspect anyone is having an affair there really needs to be suspension of the black or white/good or evil thinking. Because nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors ......or what doesnt.

am now off to my sewing basket to find a needle and thread to sew my Scarlet Letter on to the front of my top

Absolutely, Darkesteyes. I think that many women want to believe that there affairs are based on sex only, no intimacy, no shared feelings and no deep friendship. They would be wrong.

There seem to be so many affair myths perpetuating, it's not helpful and certainly not accurate to dismiss them as simply the act of two selfish people. Affairs may not be the net result of an unhappy marriage but they are certainly the result of something missing, whatever that is. People don't enter into affairs lightly, they often have too much too lose.

"Do you want him put in the stocks on the village green so people can throw rotten eggs at him?"

Why not?

I think that sounds like a good idea. Could perhaps stop a few philandering peeps.

LyingWitch if i thought anyone i knew was having an affair i would stay out of it and say nothing. Not only because of my own experience but also simply because it would be NONE of my business.

The thread is not about the abuse and I do not need or want advice about that aspect. It is not black and white and doing anything could lose the mans job and stop what little money he is giving to the children and will not help anyone heal in this case.

Im awake thank you for asking as thats not a personal attack is it?

I think marrage is saying to the world that two people want to.be treated as a partnership, its a public statement og their union, its inviting people to have an opioin about their relationship. Why not the end of it as well.

To say nothing is condoning the affair and the behaviour behind it.

If you are unhappy leave the relationship work to get a good coparenting team, let the kids get us to it then introduce a new partner is the moral way to end a unhappy or unaffectionate relationship.

Also by supporting the wife I listen and.i do not 'go on' about me or what I think or feel or want as its not about me.

I care about the affair as im seeing the hurt and damage it has cause. The hurt the man is causing his own children everyday. The raw pain the wife is trying to hide from the world as affair happen, its common, relationships brake down and she is expected to live with it and move on, even when she knows the future is not as good as the one she would have if they had worked on the marrage

OP... exactly how is sticking your nose in or 'blanking the husband' or trying to rally others to public condemn those involved in situations they know nothing about really helping matters? Do you really think your opinion, or anybody else's matters to your friend in respect of her marriage?

I'm astonished at your arrogance actually. When two people decide to marry it's not for public consumption or discussion, ditto the end of that marriage. Judge all you want if it makes you feel better but you're helping nobody.

You seem obsessed about the affair. It's none of your business and I think you're enjoying the 'role' you think you have in it. Did you tell your friend that your posting about her marriage here, all the details you're giving etc.? You certainly wouldn't be able to count yourself as my friend if you did this when my life was in such turmoil.

Getting married is about inviting other ppl to have an opinion on yr relationship?????!!!! really???? It sounds like a soundbite from a mysogynistic celebrity magazine.

Im fucking astounded, i really am.

It has changed her whole life, she has no job, no money, she has to sell the house move the children from school and the area they know, can not afford a car and has to rent so nothing to leave the children when she is gone. The children have to stop activities as she cant afford them and the Father is not willing to pay or take them.

The wife has to take her children to the ow house where her ex is living and hand over her children to them every week. She is seeing the ow kissing and playing with her children playing happy families when her family has fallen apart and life for her children will never be the same.

I find it truly heartbrakeing for her and I cant stop it or make it better.

She blames herself, she wasnt good enough, she didnt try hard enough, she picked the wrong person to marry, she should be able to get over it and move on by now. Even the devorce papers are now saying its her unreasonable behaviour like the man cant accept blame for his own actions or his way of dealing with his issues, like he hasnt the maturaty to admitte his mistakes!

Im shocked and disappointed in his behaviour and actions and I think its imorale and I do not condone his actions and I do not want to know someone who behavious like this.

Why do people invite their friend and family to their wedding?

Why does the women change her name and title if its not a public annoncement?

Not all women change their names upon marrying. Its no longer a given

I can well believe betrayed people would be more hurt by other people or hurt all over again by others lack of solidarity so to speak. Look at Dylan Farrow, how she proves this is a predictable response. NOW she speaks out, when it's clear to her that nobody seems to care that woody allen abused her.

My x didn't have an affair but I found people trying to gloss over his emotional, verbal, financial abuse of me as six of one and half a dozen of the other etc very hurtful at that time when I needed to talk about it.

Brides father stands " we apparantly have a new tradition in Britain so instead of me making a speech we will ask each of you wonderful friends and family who have joined us here today to each stand up and tell us your opinion on this union beween these 2 people.

do you see how ridiculous you sound OP?

Your right its wrong of me to off load my emotions about other peples lifes here as it will change nothing and is of no value. I shall stop posting and get over it.

In fact dont invite family and friends to your wedding as its nothing to do with them, its about the two people getting married

I will not attend another wedding as marrage is totally devalued in todays culture, its a waste of money and none of my business.

Also I think my friend has a little bit more important things to worry about than me asking other people point of view on affairs on here!

The sad thing is her story is not original, it happens to women/men all the time. Unless you have been through it or watch someone close to you go through it, im not sure people understand the true affects of affairs and marrage brake ups have

I feel sorry for everyone that has been hurt and let down by the person they trusted the most.

TBH with you OP - you really seem to be enjoying getting so involved in all this, you're living her grief for her.

Now you've turned tack regarding money - CSA, HB, WTC, CT, CB and so forth - all adds up to a pretty penny with 4 school aged children.

has to rent so nothing to leave the children when she is gone. This would be novel, she could stop moping about, pull herself together (and kick you and your pity party out) and retrain for when the offspring are at work.

Unduly harsh? Yes. Getting on with your life and making a success of it would be far better than allowing a 'friend' to make you dwell in misery.

Have you read any of my posts?

Did you miss the post where I stated I do not talk about this with her as its not about me, my feelings or what I think.

The outcome above is true, there is no opportunity to retrain or gain extra qualifications due to personal situation. It is a fact women who are sahm loss out big time when a marrage ends.

I would not be as rude to insult her intellagence to try to distort her reality.

Im sorry you dont know me well enough to know I would never enjoy someone else pain but im supressed you even think this of someone else. Are you projecting because it seems your post is very goading.

"your living her grief for her"

Can you explain how you come to this conclusion please?

There is a difference between being human with the ability of empathy and enjoying the drama and pain of another person.

Unfortunately you seem not to have empathyor sympathy for someone in this situation