Public reaction to affairs!

[NakedTigarCub]

Hi

I know this is a differcult topic but I would like others point of view on this please.

A couple I know well have split up. The dh had an affair and the wife kicked him out and he is now living with the ow and her kids. He has filed for devorce for HER unreasonable behaviour. The wife is fine with this as she just wants to get rid of the cheating twat.

Im truly shock that noone care he had an affair. Not his or ow kids, not his coworker not even the wife's Father that still sees and chats to the exh. When the wife was talking about it in a group another women said "I see you are still smarting about the affair"

The exh has not recieved any negative reaction from anyone. Is this normal now that people just swap and change partners when ever they want with no reprocusions?

[educationforlife]

I said nothing about the gender of people who have affairs - that would be silly for obvious statistical reasons.
I think it is very easy to blame women when a male partner has an affair and to tell her to like it or lump it - that is life and get on with it.
The 'two sides' always means that blame it to be attributed to the victim of betrayal. When the victim is a woman, the implication is always that she must have been a shitty wife - because 'you never know what goes on'
However bad a spouse a person in does not make lying, cheating, and stealing in the name of luuurrvve any more justifiable

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Oh stop with the drama already... 'his behaviour is killing his ds'? That kind of emotive talk will ensure that he would never listen to you. It really is his ex-partner's place to tell him that, not yours.

Why do you think your friend's dad is so friendly with a man who has left his daughter? You really need to stay out of it because you don't know what the reasons are. I tell you this though, if you enmesh yourself too much in your friend's 'drama' you will paint her into a corner should she want to reframe the situation later on.

Be guided by her on what you should/shouldn't say or do. You won't go far wrong.

[NakedTigarCub]

I dont want to give too much detail on here but the ds was bullied at school the father left pushing ds in to depression and self harming. The ds is getting help but every week the father does something to pick the scab off so the ds isnt healing. The man will not listen to the advice of the wift that its too much too soon and the wife is left to pick the pices up each week.

Wish the man could stop being angry and man up!

[Mrscaindingle]

Wow, a lot of people making excuses for cheating, lying and selfish behaviour here.
However in my own experience I have not had anyone making allowances for my ex's selfish and shitty behaviour mainly because it's not about the fact that he left the marriage but that he did in such a way as to cause maximum pain to everyone involved including my DC.
I would think that as someone else said it's probably more like people not wanting to get involved as opposed to not caring.
I would be glad to have a friend like you btw, I am lucky that I do have some in RL.
No matter what has gone on in a relationship nothing excuses cheating, lying and thinking that your own happiness takes precedence over everyone else's.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I can't see a single poster making excuses for cheating, lying and selfish behaviour here, Mrscaindingle... you must have those special x-ray-report-and-distort glasses I've been hearing about.

[LilyBlossom14]

I agree with you OP.

I am lucky that nobody has made excuses for the behaviour of my ex, Mrscain is right the splitting up is one tiny issue compared with the awful way in which my ex went about it, plus his behaviour over the last years since he left. There is no excuse for the pain him and his OW have caused my child, and that is more unforgiveable than the affair in my opinion.

[3mum]

I think there is a serious point here which is that if you agree that decent people don't cheat on their spouses then silence is condoning it and saying that this is normal and acceptable behaviour.

When my exH cheated on me and our children and went around taking his women to my house and shagging them in my bed and leching all over them at various social events with certain of our mutual friends, they all took the none of my business approach and let me carry on being deceived. I would far rather they had told me and/or had challenged him. Apparently he bragged to them about how wonderful it was having these women fancy him like an excited teenager and they just said nothing (although after I found out several have since admitted to me that they felt very uncomfortable).

After I found out about his cheating, it almost seemed to me as if I was the only one with any sort of moral compass. I have ditched these "friends" now. Fortunately a smaller group of women friends who were not aware at the time of his cheating have confirmed they don't consider this to be decent or moral behaviour and would not have let this behaviour pass without comment.

I would certainly speak out now both to the cheater and to the deceived friend if I found a friend in this position. Why on earth would anyone think it is right to say nothing?

[3mum]

Sorry meant also to say that both exH and one of his women also said to me that having an affair could not be that bad as none of our friends had said anything!

[NakedTigarCub]

3mum that it, saying nothing is just as bad.

I think what is the point of being moral when everyone else isnt anymore? Where cheating, bed hopping and discarding partners and in some cases children is seen as fine, the norm, well blended families didnt hurt me so its ok type of thinking!

It feels like people dont get married just have children but dont expect the relationship they are in to last.

Its almost too easy for men to treat women and families as disposable or even intrechangeable

[Offred]

From what you describe the problem is nothing to do with the affair. The village is not calling this man on his abuse of his wife and dc. The affair is nothing to do with it. People have affairs sometimes, it's not normally the affair but the way the affair is handled that is the test. I don't think affairs are anything to do with anyone and I hate the idea that a whole village should get involved in a relationship breakdown.

I do agree that people should generally call out abusive behaviour when it is happening but you seem just as bad as the rest of them. You're obsessed with the affair and hardly bothering about the abuse.

[Offred]

I really hate all the moralising about marriage too. When you have a baby you make a lifetime commitment to the child. It is dangerous to make a lifetime unconditional commitment to another adult. People should get divorced when the relationship is toxic, when you bang on about marriage in this way you're punishing your friend and her dc just as much as her h. She sounds better off without him, him leaving is therefore a happy event.

[educationforlife]

And just what is the way to handle an affair???

[Damnhot72]

Affairs are never right and they just hurt so many people, including children they are never the right way, and the person it's happened to will have great problems in the future ever trusting again. I hate cheaters and it's the worst feeling in the world, however I've also seen close family members and friends cheat and sometimes can understand how they got in the situation, it's not just about temptation it's about a whole load of other things including years of misery, yes they should just leave their partner first of course they should, but I've just seen how it happens it's awful the world of affairs but there are even websites you can sign up to that just cater for affairs, for people who don't want to leave their spouse for one reason or another but need sex or whatever, it's disgusting but unfortunately very popular sites :-(

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Exactly what Offred said.

I'm getting fed up of people coming on to post about their own experiences, extrapolating them onto others as if they were the exact same thing - when they weren't. There are so many variations but nobody here has said that affairs are a good thing, they aren't, but they are a fact of life. You can shun the person responsible if you want to - and if you think that is in the best interests of the children involved - or you can quietly or overtly support the 'wronged' person.

Mum3... of course friends who weren't around and having to witness a relationship breakdown close to them are going to be more vocal. I don't rate your 'moral compass' any more powerful than anybody else's.

It's so easy to say that you'd do this and you'd do that in the event of a friend's relationship breaking down but most people I think will mind their own business and not interfere, just doing what they can to support their friend. Nobody has the right to tell them that they are 'wrong' for not getting their pitchforks out.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

... and just one more thing. I read on here all the time from posters (who haven't had an affair) saying that they've been 'tested'. I don't believe a word of it because if you really have been tested, you've been in a position whereby you were seriously tempted, had seriously considered what it would be like to be with this man/woman.

Not this:

MM: How about an affair then, you look just my type.
Smug poster: No, I'm married and not interested.
MM: Are you sure?
Smug poster: No, I'm married and not interested, you should be ashamed of yourself, think of your wife and children.
MM: Ok then, cheerio.


To have engaged in any more testing than that insipid and one-sided conversation should really make somebody able to at least empathise, if not offer sympathy, because being 'tested' really has the potential to throw your life in a spin. If you didn't engage in the conversation, it wasn't a test was it? It's like people slobbering over Ben Fogle as some kind of delicious being... I might be 'ripe for an affair' but it wouldn't be with him so if by some unlucky chance he selected me for such a thing, it wouldn't be a test, would it? He holds no thrall for me and never will. That is the key thing. If you don't have strong attraction for somebody then you are not subject to any sort of test, it's just too easy to say 'no', isn't it?

If you haven't felt true temptation and actually been engaged in discussion, in which case you were a potential OW or cheater in the wings - then you haven't been tested at all and have no business commenting on it because, quite honestly, what the hell do you know about it?

I'll repeat my usual disclaimer of not being an OW and not being an advocate for affairs. It's taken me a few wrong turns though in my youth (no excuse whatsoever) to know that I would never have an affair, they are destructive and akin to an unexploded bomb without a shadow of a doubt.

[DarlingGrace]

Only the people in the marriage knows what went on.

Happy people don't tend to have affairs.

Therefore by deduction, the marriage was an unhappy one. It takes two to create that situation.

[educationforlife]

well well well ...
and there's me thinking that MN talk is all about sharing one's own experiences.
Also labouring under the misapprehension that if you are unhappy in a relationship you tell your partner and either make changes or end the relationship.
It would appear that 'have an affair' is the third option.
How do I manage with such delusions?
and I do so love 'no-one knows what goes on' argument.
It means that what we do know is of no consequence whatsoever when weighed against some non-specified, unidentified, vague 'things' we, apparently, don't know (the sub-script being that a woman is an impossible harridan and deserving of everything she gets).

[ALittleStranger]

How do people who want public judgement expect this to be played out? Should the MM be shunned and barred from all social events? Shouted at whenever he's seen in public? Tarred and feathered. It's perfectly possible to both disapprove of someone's behaviour but carry on socialising with them. You don't know if he has been taken aside by anyone.

But generally people do accept that there are two sides to every story and our rightfully wary of pronouncing judgement. Plus he has ended the relationship and it's bloody rude towards his new partner to keep defining him as an adulterer.

People are cowards. They don't want to confront problems in a relationship and think they can cope with being a little bit unhappy for the kids etc. Then someone else comes along and you realise it's just not tenable. If we accept that people have a right to leave relationships and marriage vows are not unbreakable then it seems like a side show for society (as opposed to individual wives getting hurt) to get overly het up about the way in which someone exits a relationship.

[Offred]

I hate the "no-one knows" thing too. I also hate the "happy people don't have affairs" thing. Affairs happen in a wife variety of ways for a wife variety of reasons. Yes it appears this affair happened because the h is a twat but it is him being a twat that's the issue not that he had an affair.

Fact is though a relationship is not a public issue and often the more people who get involved and take sides the worse it is for the dc.

An affair is therefore, to me, a private matter for resolution between the people involved at their discretion. It isn't something where a "public reaction" is necessary or appropriate and it is something where a massive public reaction can harm children.

Abuse however is a public issue because it is about the defence of the vulnerable. People should challenge abuse in whatever way. Abuse shouldn't be tolerated at all. The op isn't coming across as that bothered about that though, she seems to want the h to be pilloried for breaking the sanctity of marriage which is not a perspective I have any sympathy with in the circs described. That way of viewing marriage is ridiculous and unreasonable IMO.

In families with children there are two different bonds going on. The bond between the parents and the children and the bond between the parents themselves. The bond between the parents and the children should not be conditional on the bond between the parents themselves. Unfortunately it is not uncommon for people to feel or behave like this, it is really hurtful for the dc involved. Sounds like that may be going on in the family described.

Everyone could do with really focusing on the dc not using them for dramatic emphasis in a quest to return to the Middle Ages where people were burned for adultery.

[Offred]

*wide! "Wife" ha ha!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Again, yy to Offred about the 'happy people don't have affairs' and mostly - affairs and relationships being a private thing between the people involved. I would have hated the nosiness and gossipy 'help' during my break-up, it was private and that's the way I wanted it. I understand that others may welcome it but people should be led by what the 'left' partner wants to do, not what they think they want to do.

Why is OP not making as much fuss about the abuse as about the affair?

[maggiemight]

Jeesh if my DH had an affair then left me, paid minimum maintenance and had no interest in my DC as he is Disney daddying his new ones and my father remained friendly towards him I would be devastated. Really hurt. Surely it's human nature for my DF to feel sorrow and disappointment on behalf of me and his GCs. But apparently I just need to get a grip (in between running home, DCs etc single handed when previously used to having someone to share it with.)

Ime people are almost over 'nice' to adulterers, not sure why, I suspect it's a bit that they are a bit saddened by the events but, in an attempt not to show it, become more effusive.

Some of the comments here are very unfeeling. I wonder why.

[Darkesteyes]

Great posts from Offred and LyingWitch on this thread.

[DarlingGrace]

A thousand and one times I've read something very similar to "he's charm personified to everyone else, but behind closed doors.... no one would believe me"

That is why no one knows what goes on in a marriage apart from the two people in it.

Even then you have his side, her side and somewhere in the middle you might get the truth of the matter.

Perhaps we have a different terminology at play here? An affair to me equates to an emotional investment in a relationship that you would want to take forward.

So again, people in "happy" relationships do not have affairs. They may have opportunist sex (a ONS if you like) but a full blown affair when everything is rosy in the garden at home? No. Having a bit of extra curricular if you think you wont get caught as a one off, yes.

[maggiemight]

So again, people in "happy" relationships do not have affairs

I thought that was a proved wrong! It can be the excitement/ secrecy/ thrill of an affair that means it s a possibility despite a happy marriage.