Public reaction to affairs!

[NakedTigarCub]

Hi

I know this is a differcult topic but I would like others point of view on this please.

A couple I know well have split up. The dh had an affair and the wife kicked him out and he is now living with the ow and her kids. He has filed for devorce for HER unreasonable behaviour. The wife is fine with this as she just wants to get rid of the cheating twat.

Im truly shock that noone care he had an affair. Not his or ow kids, not his coworker not even the wife's Father that still sees and chats to the exh. When the wife was talking about it in a group another women said "I see you are still smarting about the affair"

The exh has not recieved any negative reaction from anyone. Is this normal now that people just swap and change partners when ever they want with no reprocusions?

[Darkesteyes]

Thanks for your support anapitt. I have found some wonderfully supportive ppl on MN since i joined three years ago. This place has helped me a lot.

[anapitt]

Darkesteyes I have been moved by your story once again.
I hope you find love soon.
In your circumstances I would positively encourage you to have an affair if it made you happy.

[Offred]

wow! This thread just gets stranger!

[str8tothepoint]

I suppose if your DH/OH was having an affair with a same sex partner then nobody would want that public

[Darkesteyes]

You know who else they say can only come in if invited dont you? Vampires!!

[Offred]

I don't believe in hell anymore than I believe in stoning adulterers.

[Offred]

I've not had an affair.

What are you wittering on about now? So your latest thing is it is ok for you to be involved and condemn because you have been invited? You were arguing for a "public reaction" before, which is it?

[Darkesteyes]

FFS Naked you do NOT know that my DH is innocent And you do not know that he is not.

And he is not unknowing. You obviously didnt read my link or chose to ignore the bits that dont suit your agenda. Theres that selectiveness again.

there were times during my affair in its latter stages when i was away from home for whole weekends. In one case over New Year. But DH chose "ostrich syndrome" and doesnt wish for the issue to be raised. Other than to say to "do what i need to do"


And THIS is why ppl should keep their bloody nose out and go back to reading their celebrity rags.

Because NOBODY knows the facts of each individuals situation unless they are actually living it themselves.

[NakedTigarCub]

Offred when posters say "grow up" itd code for stfu and think like I do. I disagree with you.

I think its better to care and confirm the wrong done by the cheater. I think its ok to get invloved if you are asked to and have an opioin about what is going on. I think its ok to tell the person about an affair you know about and let them sort it out as a couple. I think saying nothing is accepting the behaviour.

Its intresting that the negative comments are from the women who had an affair not the innoccent unknowing partner that was cheated on

I understand that in the end the ow may well be a stepmum and have a big affect on the childrens life and the adults involved must work together in good faith to raise the children but I see nothing wrong with saying I dont condone his behaviour when told me and ow will be friends as she is such a nice person (as long as she doesnt fancy your husband).

Yes I will go to hell for judgeing another but so will you by the sounds of it

Wake up
Grow up
Im a bad friend for posting my personal opioin

What is that if not judgeing another?

[Offred]

Yes, that's the thing. It is kind to want to help someone in pain, it is ridiculous to think you are helping by judging, condemning and punishing.

Your friend's h is still her dc father how would they feel about this supposedly desirable "public reaction"? About all the animosity you are trying to encourage?

Honestly I think you need to grow up and butt out.

If you really can't see the difference between someone coming on her for support with their own relationship and posting private details of someone else's I think you should not attempt to support anyone with anything.

[Darkesteyes]

Thankyou Lying I have found your posts on this thread very insightful

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Another agreeing with anapitt. Life would be a lot better if we stopped prying into other peoples' business and offered help instead when/if we can see it's needed or asked for.

I detest the z-leb culture and have no time for people who think they can apply that entitlement to know everything into the lives of other people.

Darkesteyes... That is a remarkable piece. I'm sorry for your pain and hope for a much happier future for you.

[Darkesteyes]

YY anapitt I cant help wondering if this bloody awful celebrity culture that we live in today has contributed to these attitudes that make ppl think they have a God given right to pry into others private lives. When ppl do this i can certainly take a well educated guess about the kinds of magazines they read and the kind of tv they watch.

[anapitt]

because most people realise there are two sides to every story and other people's lives are actually none of their business to either Condemn or applaud

[NakedTigarCub]

21.2 men out of every 1000 unmarried men got married in 2012. Its as unimportant as the other facts as its none of our business and everyones relationship is not for public disscussion.

Lets not talk about affairs then!

[Darkesteyes]

I wrote this last year Its more detailed.


everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/

[Darkesteyes]

OP heres the timeline.
1996 DH stopped having sex with me.
2002 Joined Slimming World....lost 10 stone
2003 Met someone at work....felt attracted to him Asked DH to go to counselling as i had done intermittently over the years...he refused.
Affair began in July of that year.
2006 DH had a massive heart attack which has left him with disabilities and breathing problems Suspect he has COPD.
Jan 2008 Affair ended.

OP you asked me what i would have done if he couldnt have sex if he was ill. A. Being ill does not stop yr spouse from giving you a hug. B. his heart attack happened TEN YEARS AFTER he stopped showing me affection (and i say stopped showing me affection because you seem to think its just about the sexual act. It isnt.



Oh btw OP Yes vows do mention for better or worse and in sickness and in health. But they also promise with my body i thee worship and affection is an expected part of marriage.
You are cherry picking the vows that you think are important Bit of selective memory going on here.

And why is the fact that the number of women getting married is at an "all time low" so important Do you find that alarming for some reason? Surely it also means that less men are getting married too. Yet you dont mention this.



And how far do you want to take in sickness and in health. My aunt has been caring for my uncle for 8 years since he had a very bad stroke. She is an older lady herself and due to attitudes and judgy ppl like you she has run herself so ragged caring for him that she is now in hospital after dropping 4 stone. My uncle is in hospital now too. Because the culture she comes from believes in sickness and in health to the point of killing themselves over caring. Only the women mind.



So i think there is a little bit of internalized mysogyny going on.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

cross-posted with you OP but disagree on your list. Why are you pursuing this so relentlessly? There is no common 'Borg-like think' in respect of people's relationships; they're often extremely complicated and as nobody but the couple know what has happened/is happening, are not up for discussion. Think for yourself and perhaps stop seeking approbation of your views; ignore the cheater/don't ignore the cheater, nobody cares what you do, with the possibly exception of your friend. Support her.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

NakedTigarCub... I'll answer your questions as you've asked. I was an OW when I was 23. It was a much older man, my lecturer in fact. I didn't know he was married. When I found out (almost a year later), it was too late, I was in too deep. No excuse whatsoever. I nearly went back to him too, several years later. I've been 'tested' since - yet neither pursued or accepted - hence my 'few wrong turns' comment. I'm not giving more details than that because it's personal and I don't choose to.

You say that you want to chat about affairs generally - yet you post significant detail about your friend. The amount of detail you've posted makes me angry for your friend and I think you're disingenuous. Just for clarification, it's not a 'dig', I'm saying, outright and quite clearly, that I think you have no business discussing your friend's relationship here or anywhere else.

I don't think you would be able to discuss affairs and cheating because that would require some balance of thought, ability to accept others' views. Perhaps too this board is not the place for them.

[NakedTigarCub]

Im trying to discuess affairs and the damage they cause and the reaction of people to a man that has an affair and splits his family up.

So far everyone agrees:

Affairs are bad
They are none of your business
The cheater is to be treated the same as everyone else with respect and civiness
If you know someone who is cheating on their partner do not get involved
The way someone treats someone that trusts and relies on them even if its badly is none of our business as we dont know about their relationship and does not impact on our relationship with that person.
Valueing marrage is santmonious and smug so is not respected.

About sums it up right

[NakedTigarCub]

My friend is getting help from an interagency group meeting, there is nothing more I can do except what I am and she is capable in looking after herself and the children, she is very strong and independant amazing women that I admire greatly. She will heal and move on and be fine but I will never forgive the man for the hurt he has caused.

[NakedTigarCub]

If affairs are not public issues why is most of the relationship board full of them and lots of comments?

How.am I hurting my griend in posting here?

Is every poster or op to be ognored then as its none of our business, its not for public discussion?

Or the thread about gossip in Cath should be deleted as its hurtful the the people having affairs?

[NakedTigarCub]

Lyinhwitchinthewardrobe so your partner had an affair? Can you explaine your comment about "a few wrong turns", did you also have an affair as in another post you said you have not? Which is it?

Also your posting style is very aggresive towards me eg im obbessed with his affair, im ignoring down play abues, im not helping my friend or anyone, think about the children if I even care about them. You are overly invested in me personally and not the topic of affairs as this is what I wanted to discuess and get pov about not this one percific affair but affairs and cheaters in general with this situation as an exsample. Also I didnt miss your dig about posting here about my friend being wrong iyo.

Daresteyes did your dh find out about your affair and end the relationship? What would you have done if he had an injury and could not have sex, would you still had an affair? Did you not promise in sickness and in health or better or worse? Why stay in a marrage you were unhappy in instead of leaving and not having an affair, lying and not being true to yourself?

[Offred]

You're not being empathetic/sympathetic IMO you're getting pleasure out of the drama of it. If you were being empathetic/sympathetic actually helping/considering your friend would be the priority not your personal agenda about affairs, which as I've stated in pp, would not be my main concern about the situation described.

[Offred]

If you really want to help then stop banging on about your personal view of the sanctity of marriage and encouraging your friend to be helpless and victimised by perpetuating myths that she has to put up with abuse in order to get financial support and point her in the direction of women's aid where she can get practical help to stop his abuse of her and his children and with securing herself financially.

Women's aid - 08082000247

Your misguided obsession with the drama of the affair is hurting not helping your friend.

I also agree with lying - why are you posting her private life all over the Internet?

I think affairs are wrong btw but I don't think they are a public issue, nor are marriages.