Gaslighting : ignore or confront?

[jadeddazedandconfused]

Hi, I have just come to the realisation that I'm being gaslighting. I have split from husband but still sharing a home.
Over the years I have found lots of 'missing' things in odd places or even in the bin. Mostly it is small items of mine and the children, sometimes there are cost implications other times it's just annoying and slightly distressing because he always denied it or blamed our small children even when he's hidden things so high the children couldn't have done it.
Sometimes it's been important documents.

Recently when I asked him for something that had disappeared and I'd searched everywhere he produced it and said I'd not looked properly (I had) and he said 'if I was going to take o
Today I remembered how when he was bullied at school he took revenge by stealing from their bags & coats in the cloakroom. I believe The hiding /throwing away stuff is part of that old pattern but it makes me feel unsafe, not 100% sure how to tackle it.

Hundreds of times I have asked him not to touch /move/dispose of my /the children's things but when met with blatant denial it's hard to know how to deal with it. I can't lock everything away being don't know what he will choose next.

I have thought about getting a box and just saying anytime you're not sure what to do with something just put it in here for me to sort out but I feel trying to do things on the sly that won't help
I thought I could mention the bullying story he told me but I'm expecting him just to laugh it off as usual and tell me how ridiculous I am but at least he'd know I'm on to him.

In case it's not clear, I AM saying Do Not Confront Him. Pointless.

I agree that it will be best to not do it back to him, no matter how tempting, or how much he deserves it. Any transaction with him will be a chance for him to make you doubt yourself. Well, he is entitled to his opinion, but his opinion need not affect you.

Indifference is the way to preserve your sanity/self-esteem. Emotionally disconnect. Be like a mother cat rolling her eyes at the antics of the baby kittens.
You can lock up all of your valuables. You can keep your keys/ID on your body at all times. You can get a locked footlocker for portable items, and the lock for the bedroom door would be essential (I would be wondering what he put in the bed).

Regarding the dc, I would be tempted to go with the truth and let them know Daddy is behind it, but that may be inflamatory. But you can help them learn the importance of putting things away-perhaps in their own locked trunk.

It is infuriating. I experienced it when I was 20, a couple of decades ago before MN. I was asked a random question, and then told whatever I thought the answer was, I was wrong...and then be pestered for my answer. The correct answer is to not play the "game". (The book "Games People Play" by Eric Berne, is a good read.) The 'whatever I thought about something was wrong' came up in a couple of other circumstances and I eventually ended the relationship. And even now, when somone asks me "are you sure?", it is a bit of a trigger, but I find peace in answering "you don't have to take my word for it". Sorry for the Tangent.

Erk... After being completely ambivalent an disengaged from any discussion around the house an finance he has laid his cards on the table: it is best for the children if he remains in the house while I move out with the children. He thinks he can support us better financially if we live n a smaller place and can have half the equity wen we sell the house in 18 years.
He is a healthy single man on a pretty decent income and he believes it's better to stay alone in a 3 bed house while I take pot luck on the private rental market, working part time with pain, fatigue and mobility problems and two small children!
It's so unnerving to see how he behaves when backed into a corner!

He is threatening you to get you back in line

Ignore him and go see a solicitor. Start the ball rolling to get him out of the house and stop listening to his misinformed bullshit.

Detach completely now and let the experst guide your next move...not him

have a look at this useful resource

*experts

My only answer to that would be "No". YOU have as much right to stay in that house as he does, at least until the DC's are 18 - more right to if you have been the main Carer for the DC's. Ignore his posturing, it's not likely to work out that way in the Courts.

I may have said you could call him on his behaviour but I wouldn't want you to try that if he could be violent, or if his behaviour might scare the DCs.
Just try to switch off.

Right this is probably TMI so if you're squeamish please look away now.
On another thread I wrote about his porn addiction and possible questionable interests.
I have dealt with this appropriately and spoken to relevant professionals and have been as far as I can with the situation.

I have just been up to 'our' bedroom to get my cushions from the old bed and found a disgusting pair of wank pyjamas all stuck together! ugh. The thought of him up there constantly wanking off to God knows what and letting the children lie in there Sometimes makes me feel sick. There is a court order I can use which. has him removed from the house if. His behaviour affects my mental or emotional health. I can't believe he think it's OK to live like this, ... Hes getting the best deal right now because nothing has really changed for him, living exactly as it were before we split except he doesn't have to pretend to love or fancy me anymore.
His problem has already screwed up our marriage and he lets the children use the ipad and his phone they could accidentally see something at any time although he is super cautious and secretive. he never put my mind at rest about what it is exactly hes 'into' and I don't trust him .

I think he should go and stay somewhere else until we get the housing situation sorted. I feel unsafe with him around me and the children with the lies and weirdness hiding things and throwing them away, I feel sorry for him having this addiction which is going to ruin his life but he's clearly not doing anything about it.

I don't know whether to say anything about his jizz trousers or just ignore it, his masturbation habits should be his own business but it's fucking rank especially as the kids get in and snuggle with him. I noticed them the other day when I was looking for the ipad but it didn't register until now when I picked them up and they were proper crusty and stuck together.
Apologies again for the TMI bit I don't know where else I can go with this, maybe I just need to vent, he's on nights at the moment.

Thanks anyfucker I have had a good read of the resource and taken a lot from it, definitely time to call for support this guy is like a freaky stranger in my home I hate it.

Hi CouthyMow I was hoping to avoid the courts but it is looking more and more likely.
He seemed such a nice easy going guy when I met him!

! How can he even think that might be fair? What does he think 'people' will think and say when they hear it? How can he afford to keep this house yet not afford to support us to keep it?

He's gone a bit strange, I always wondered why someone so 'normal' would be attracted to someone eccentric like me and now I realise he's totes not normal!

Oh the temptation to stick them in his work briefcase would be too much for me OP.
Since things go missing so often, how surprised would he be if oh my goodness they ended up there??

OP, I get the feeling that you sharing that last bit of lovely detail means that he really is history now

keep moving forward to get him out of your life

this man is poison

I don't care what he is "into" but it sounds fucked up and I feel real visceral distaste when I imagine your kids jumping in bed with the jizz stained remnants of his weird predilictions

it's unhealthy, love

I am glad you see it

now use whatever you need to get the fuck rid of him

Haha mrsmot the temptation is huge, I can't decide whether to leave them where they are or leave them on top of the bed so he knows, just say nothing or tell him to fuck the fuck off.

I know realistically I have no right to tell him to leave but honestly how can I share a house with this?

I have a bad track record with men, I thought I'd chosen so carefully this time and now it seems I'm stuck with the biggest fucking weirdo of them all.

you are not stuck

anyfucker as far as our relationship is concerned he's been history since oct/Nov. It's taken time to get to grips with the whole thing (no pun intended) but I cannot wait to get rid of him, i love and adore my children more than anything else but I wish I'd never had them with him.

I don't know whether to text/email w ha the I've written here tonight and hope he fuck love off or just to it on it for now. I feel I have to say something about the kids being in bed amongst his crap although of course he'll deny it.

I mean stuck with him in my life as the father not as my husband. There's no going back.

Sorry typos just stressed and tired, I mean I don't know whether to text/email him tonight about what I found and my thoughts and suggest that he leaves or shall I just ignore it?

He's been lording it up, chastising me for Ness, heating and music and he's a loser, a slave to his gonads.

AaaaaaRrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh where does it end?

I'm off to bed soon, sorry for labouring a point, do you think I should acknowledge the trousers or just ignore it? I'm trying not to be reactionary but I honestly don't know my own mind at the moment xx

take a photo of the pants on the bed...close up with the stains too for evidence sorry vile!

Have you mobile ready to record him saying about him wanting you and kids to leave the house too. Start recording the gaslighting in a diary awa? from the house. If you can get nanny cam please do but a lock for your door for your safety.

Would Social services help you with removing him as exposure to pornography is a form of child abuse. Were you the OP where dp was watching porno and kid asleep on sofa?

I personally would not text him anything do it through official channels now solicitor etc this is going to be so mentally exhausting but thankfully you know what it is all about as it is happening...this will help keep you sane whilst living in this crazy situation.

Thanks for your reply want2be no I'm not the sofa porn poster but I wouldn't put anything past this repressed loon.
He'll know I've been in the room as I have taken my cushions and washed them but I don't have to say anything yet. I just hate him thinking he has the upper hand and being creepy in the house with our children.
The health visitors are aware of the situation and are being supportive around the split but I don't know re SS, there will be a record at the family centre re his predilections but I don't know other than that, the police haven't made an official report, they've just logged my concerns.

Look, I get the impression you are dilly-dallying (technical term)

Stop second guessing yourself and him

get the legal advice and keep the ball rolling to separate yourself from him legally

anything else is just time-wasting game play

Like to your technical terminology. Possibly dilly dallying, mainly because of legal costs I was trying to do things 'amicably'. I have a list of the 'better' solicitors in town and am going to make contact tomorrow I have spoken to a couple on the free half hour thing but it's all been quite vague. I don't earn much and don't qualify for legal aid.
I feel like I need to confront the want stuff because my children will be staying with him when we move houses etc I want to let him know that it's not acceptable the fucking freak. (apologies to freaks, no offence).

*wank not want!

If you really want evidence does your phone record even in your pocket?
If so put it on record and confront over the pants. He will explode and possibly threaten throw things and hopefully nothing else(you are best to judge this as you know him I dont want you to be at physical harm) but it might be your chance to get evidence and get him out tonight for good! But you are at risk if you challenge as he wont like it. I think though this might be a risk and a silly idea! What does other MNs think? AF? CM? MrsM? Apologies if not great idea but can sense your desperation as been there with gaslighting and it is trying to say the least!

I wouldn't do anything dramatic myself

Take legal advice and let the professionals fight your corner

you will never "win" with a twat like this, he is too practiced in pulling your strings

only a dispassionate outsider will prevent you from staying in this maelstrom of abuse and control