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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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The Dating Thread 69

999 replies

FolkGirl · 07/02/2014 12:36

Just because I wanted to be the person to start it really Smile

Welcome one and all.

OP posts:
oldfashionedgirl · 12/02/2014 23:02

Have just posted my profile on a site .... panicking slightly! I doubt it will get much interest but step one is done.

LizzieBelle · 12/02/2014 23:04

dont I hope he isn't reading these threads about him Confused

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/02/2014 23:09

Hello lurkers!! It is weird, sometimes you forget this is all very public don't you.

Dont Hope your pizza has been nice. Take some time for yourself. Be glad that Geeky showed his true colours quickly - you will get over this.

Jarlin aargh don't!! I've only just settled in my own place 6 months ago and whilst I love having him over, I don't think I could cope with missing out on my me-time just yet. I find the whole thing very very scary (in a good way!). Good luck for tomorrow - am rooting for Mr Slowburner to pull it out of the bag!

Splish quite right man flu can be fatal - I'm convinced someone I dated died from it once - never heard from him again! Thanks for posting those signs of EA as well - v interesting and useful reading for all of us I think.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/02/2014 23:10

oldfashioned congrats! welcome to OD!

Givemeyouranswerdo · 12/02/2014 23:11

I didn't mean to be scary! I occasionally post elsewhere. Don't want to butt in though I have found this thread helpful, fascinating, hilarious. All sorts. Smile

dontcallmehon · 12/02/2014 23:17

Hello lurkers. I am so very hurt. Badly. Oh well.

Montane50 · 13/02/2014 00:11

Just a quick post, Dont -you are a mother of 3, you sound like your job is a responsible one (tutor), you must be well educated. So why in Gods name are you refusing to open your eyes and see whats blatantly obvious? A man has sulked, bullied and manipulated his way into your life, you openly admit you change things about yourself and your life to please him. Why? is it a case of someones better than no-one? Will he try to bully and mold your children in the same way? If they annoyed him (which seems to happen frequently and easily), will you tell them to also change? Your children need you to be a good role model-do you honestly feel like you and Geeky were a team ready to face the world? No, you cant have, because you both had different agendas. Stop being so morose and start to smell the coffee. He was wrong for you, but you allowed him to continue.

Bant · 13/02/2014 00:54

Hi all - I haven't been on for a couple of days as I was kind of thrown by the events the other day.

First of all - dont - I don't think Geeky is a bad guy, I disagree with some of the others about him being abusive, and I can understand why he'd be upset by your ex being alone with you when your ex was throwing you out of a pub when you took geeky there etc.

However, I don't think he's right for you in your situation, with the DC. Yours has been one of the lovely stories on this thread in the last couple of months, and it's horrid to see it come to an end like this. You've both said things you shouldn't, but that's a sign of an intense relationship, not a healthy one. I think going no contact for a while is a good idea so you can sort your feelings out and work out if the good really does outweigh the bad. He'll be contacting you when you've asked him not to because he's distraught too, can't work out why you're accusing him of stuff and doesn't know what he wants because the situation is fucked up for him too. I feel sorry for the guy, but I don't think it's healthy, what you've got at the moment.

Several posts on here are making him out to be a monster, and he's not, he's just a very upset bloke in an intense relationship with someone with a history, and he's not dealing with it very well, and because of the intensity you've overlooked his inability to deal with it, when you need someone who can.

You deserve better, and he's not giving it.

Other than that:

I'm going to be a mostly-lurker on here from now on, I think. I'll pop up occasionally, but the accusations the other day of inciting or possibly committing date-rape because I let a woman come over to mine at her suggestion and I broke up with her shortly afterwards, the fact that I was attacked several times after telling someone I didn't Date the Thread and obviously didn't read the non-existent sarcasm in her request for a date, combined with Snails/Blooms regular little visits where she attacks me (after being blocked repeatedly from MN for attacking me and others, and has been blocked again) - it's all a bit much really.

I know several people on here jumped up to defend me, and I really do appreciate that. And I know that on internet forums there will always be emotions running high and arguments, but I've had enough of the personal attacks because I'm an easy target and because some people associate me with bad things from their past, or just disagree with my views and feel free to attack me. It's really not what I want to spend my time worrying about.

So good luck everyone, I'll drop by sometimes.

dontcallmehon · 13/02/2014 01:04

Bant, thank you. That's how I feel about him. Going no contact is incredibly painful, but if there's a slight chance that it could work, it's the only way. I am struggling though.

manaboutthemaison · 13/02/2014 06:11

Another male pout of view, first of all I'm sorry for you that the guy turned out to be such a cock, and secondly far from being someone who you think didn't read your posts on here, I reckon he wasflowing this thread very closely and can't handle the truth being pointed out to him.

manaboutthemaison · 13/02/2014 06:12

Was following .... Sorry. Big fingers and small iPhone

oldfashionedgirl · 13/02/2014 07:00

Amazed to actually have some messages this morning! My profile has to be one of the dullest on there. Grin

dontcallmehon · 13/02/2014 07:04

I have slept pretty badly.

dontcallmehon · 13/02/2014 07:18

He's telling me very clearly that he doesn't want me. Maybe my behaviour precipitated that, but it must have been in his mind. I need to listen to what he's telling me and what he wants. And that's it.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 13/02/2014 08:09

Hey Bant sorry to hear we'll see less of you but your reasoning is understandable, it must be getting very wearing, although it is sad that they are winning! I wondered if they'd been blocked again as they suddenly disappeared.

As an aside how do you find out when people get blocked?

I don't think any of us are accusing Dont's Geeky of being a monster; I for one think he probably does not realise at all the impact that his actions have on her; he may not be deliberately manipulative and controlling; but he is those things - maybe that is the relationship model that he thinks is normal, and it is not. He is clearly incredibly immature and apparently not very capable of a rational adult conversation about areas of conflict in a relationship. I also feel sorry for him, but probably in a different way, and I don't think anyone has said anything unfair about him.

Dont please stop blaming yourself, or your behaviour for driving him away. How are you feeling today (apart from tired!?)?

oldfashioned yay! which site did you go for?

Flipper934 · 13/02/2014 08:19

Don't, just delurking to say that I'm sorry about how things have panned out for you. I can see what Bant's saying, but I can also see why the others are concerned about geeky's behaviour. If he's acting out of concern for your welfare, that's one thing, but if it's just jealousy, then geeky's partially right - your situation isn't right for a relationship with him.

There's a difference between someone being manipulative and them being abusive. Manipulation can be a tool of the abuser, but lots of people use sulking and tantrums to get their own way. It doesn't make them nice people, but it also doesn't make them abusers.

We also don't know why you're walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting geeky. I would say that this says something about you, as well as about him. I used to be a person who wanted to please and would therefore modify my behaviour, but now I know that being true to myself is more important. Now, I will say what I want and wear what I want. If someone else doesn't like that, it's their problem, not mine. I also don't try and second guess someone anymore. If I'm not sure why someone has behaved in a certain way, or if I'm uncomfortable, I open a conversation about it. If I'm worried that conversation would lead to conflict (rather than open discussion), then that person isn't someone I want to be in a relationship with.

That's me, though.

dontcallmehon · 13/02/2014 08:55

I am sad today. Going to ask my supply agency for fulltime work. I need security, a pension and regular hours. And to be on my own for a good long time.

CynicalOptimist · 13/02/2014 09:07

Montane50 - excellent post, wish I was so eloquent.

So today is the day of my date with Mr Cuddles, it's only 8.50 and he's pissed me off already by texting "I promise not to stare at your boobs this time".....TBH I didn't notice he was last time but it's yet another boob reference and it's annoying me!

You know I may try something radical tonight.....honesty!! Shock
I'm going to tell him all these inappropriate comments about kissing, massages/cuddles/boobs are putting me off and to quit it!
I also think he is thinking date 3 will be when we will DTD, hmmm.......

I'ts not that I'm against getting physical so soon, just between you and me I have slept with people on a first date if it's felt right but I hate feeling being manoevered into something I'm not ready for and it's quite frankly a huge turn off!

And as for my boobs, boy is he going to be disappointed IF we ever get that far. I have a truly magnificent push-up bra when (if) that comes off it will be like taking a souffle out of the oven Grin

Prediction: if I make it clear I'm not up for DTD date 3 he's going to disappear pretty quickly!

Parsley1234 · 13/02/2014 09:25

Bant I thought what you said was completely reasonable I have a few male friends who've said the same and I was going to post to delurk and support you.
Don't you will feal rough for a while but regardless of whether he contacts you or not take some time out to work what you want and if he's difficult temperamental egg shell walker encourager having kids Around that type Wd be a massive compromise of them

Jarlin · 13/02/2014 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelloBoys · 13/02/2014 09:39

You lot will probably hit me. I got an email from the boyfriend on Wednesday night which I replied to and forwarded to my SIL who is great with this sort of thing.

I wasn't sure what to do/where to go etc. But SIL is actually very measured, unbiased etc. She suggested I just try to date him for a while and see how it goes. As it's all been built up and has got a bit emotional. I'll see.

Jarlin · 13/02/2014 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Needsmorecake · 13/02/2014 10:12

Hello all

Is it ok to join and just jump right in?

Ive done some dating before, had a little bit of a break and since its getting warmer and theres a bit of sun, thought it might be time to get back out there.

I think I had fallen foul of the ' if you are positive, then thats what you will attract' misconception, because i had 3 dates lined up for this weekend, 2 of which have vanished from the face of the earth, and one of which has made lewd comments.

I still have one date, early morning coffee on saturday. Im not especially excited, but, well, i will see.

superdooperpenguin · 13/02/2014 11:00

Don't - I just wanted to send you some hugs. Breaking up with you by text is abhorrent behaviour for someone who is supposed to love you! Be kind to yourself and believe that you both deserve and will find someone better for you and your DCs.

Valentine's Day tomorrow...I am going out for dinner with 3 married couples, clearly I am sadistic! Coping strategy - a very short dress and copious amounts of wine.

CynicalOptimist · 13/02/2014 11:50

Hi Needsmorecake!

Are we speaking to the same people?
I've had that in the past people just disappearing;it's so rude, especially as you had a date planned with them Angry

Still I'm glad to see it hasn't put you off OLD completely. I have a date tonight and I'm not exactly excited either. I'm wondering why I'm going through with it actually. But oh well, I'll see how it goes!