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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dp has upset me....

53 replies

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 16:46

Recently my birthday and I was upset to see dp scurrying out of the house to get a last minute card and gift on the morning.
Meanwhile our dd 3.5 was opening my cards with me and said "mummy I havn't got a card for you" and was a bit upset. So we sat and made one together. Dp comes back like bedraggled rat from the rain. Takes dd upstairs proceeds to wrap gift and write cards.
We have had a tough end of year and l expected a little more thought....I'd have loved him to take dd to buy or make a little gift and card....not rush around on the day.
Last year on my 40th he did the same....naff bad taste card.
He does work away quite a bit, but certainly has time to organise. This is someone who use to spend hours choosing cards/gifts.
He did book last minute theatre tickets but I just didn't want to go....it really upset me.
Yes he is great in so many ways....childcare, housework etc. He has apologised....but he did the same last year, so it just doesn't wash with me.
I know I'm being overly sensitive aren't I?

OP posts:

TheBeautifulVisit · 06/02/2014 16:50

No you aren't being overly sensitive. It's very disappointing. Especially if you voiced your disappointment last year.

Jan45 · 06/02/2014 16:52

Nope, you're not, he never learned last year either or this wouldn't have happened again, it's little things like this that grow resentment and anger towards your OH, a half hearted attempt just doesn't wash, it makes you feel like he really couldn't be bothered so you're entitled to feel sensitive.

I was going to say maybe he's just bad at stuff like that and look at all the stuff he is good at but you say he never used to be this way, hopefully your reaction might help it not happen again.

I'd move on from it now though, sure he knows your were disappointed.

Original poster

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 16:57

Beautiful and Jan thanks....And yes you are right I have got to let it go. So Many more important things going on in the world....it just really hurt.

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 06/02/2014 16:58

So he got up, went out in the rain, bought you a present and booked tickets for the theatre and you are pissed off?

CreditCardProblemS · 06/02/2014 17:01

Sorry op but I agree with LEM. I'd be over the moon if my DP did that for me!

Gossipyfishwife · 06/02/2014 17:04

I know exactly how you feel. My ex frequently forgot my birthday or left cards or presents to the very last minute so he ended up with something that was clearly not thought out.

I ltb. This behaviour was indicative that he really had checked out of the relationship.

Original poster

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 17:04

I said a gracious 'thank you' for my damp freshly licked 'smutty' card
Though.
But I was a bit pissed off yes. More that the 2nd year running he hasn't just taken dd like I do when it's his birthday/Christmas to get a little card/gift. She enjoys stuff like that.

OP posts:

FourAndDone · 06/02/2014 17:08

Stop been all woe is me. If you knew he had form for this then you should have sent him yesterday with dd to get mummy a present.
Your not 5 anymore, get a grip.

Original poster

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 17:08

Gossipy yes....I feel that sometimes... The beautiful cards I've had over the years....the thought going into stuff.
I know life changes when dc come along but I do feel 0 effort on his part. Yes he bought theatre tickets but sat on his ipad booking them on my actual birthday. Saying "sorry not much choice left".

OP posts:

Original poster

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 17:10

I won't be "sending him anywhere" he's a grown man ....I won't be sending him out to get me a gift on behalf of dd

OP posts:

Jan45 · 06/02/2014 17:14

He's a grown man yet the OP should be sending him out with DD to get her a card, seriously.......the OP would be just as well going out and buying her own bloody card in that case.

Original poster

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 17:17

I wouldn't have cared if he had of wrapped up half a Mars bar and let her make a card out of a weetabix box. If she had been involved. If he had always been thoughtless then I guess it wouldn't bother me as much.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 06/02/2014 17:19

I also think to sit on his laptop in front of you on your b/d trying to book tickets is another slap in the face.

Anyway, you're moving on from it now, when's his b/d, why not give him the same treatment?

gamerchick · 06/02/2014 17:20

It's a horrible feeling to feel like an afterthought and despite people on this thread who obviously may be quite happy being thrown a few scraps on their birthday, I don't blame you for feeling a bit hurt if it's been 2 years in a row. Especially if effort was made in the years before that.

It's Easy to get a bit too comfy in a relationship if you've been together for a while but it doesn't mean that it should be the way it is from now on.

I would be having a feeling took for granted conversation heart to heart at some point.

Happy birthday.

LEMmingaround · 06/02/2014 17:20

Oh well then, yes, do, leave him - how dare he get your b-day present at the last minute, he clearly has zero respect for you, can't be arsed - next year you'll get a bunch of flowers from the garage and he'll be shagging other women left right and centre. Yes, its a very very bad sign - i'd get a lawyer quick sharp. What a bastard.

alternatively, accept that he was a bit crap about it, go and enjoy the fecking theature and get over yourself?? When was yoru birthday?

FourAndDone · 06/02/2014 17:21

He got you a card and theatre tickets (and another gift presumably as you said he went upstairs to wrap gifts) so why are you moaning? Because you didn't have it as soon as you woke up?

LadyFlumpalot · 06/02/2014 17:21

My DP has form for this - vanishing to Tesco on the morning of my birthday in a panic.

Read him the riot act last year, pointed out that my birthday is on the same day every year, it doesn't sneak up on him and that all I ask is a little thought, same as I do for his and his family's birthday.

Must have sunk in as he started planning my birthday this year in January!

Original poster

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 17:22

Jan45 yes I'm moving on....shouldn't still be picking the scab.
It's his birthday in April....I will take dd to get him a little gift and we will make him a card. She will like that.
I won't be pushing the boat out though no

OP posts:

Thebluedog · 06/02/2014 17:23

I'd be very upset. As you say, it's not what he's got you, it's the lack of thought and effort put in.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 06/02/2014 17:24

It sounds like he's not getting why it's upset you. I think you're entitled to be upset and yes while it's nice that he got you something at all, it wasn't that you wanted him to get you something, you just wanted him to think about it. And I think that is fair, especially as he's done it in the past and seems to have stopped.

Maybe it's worth having a conversation, not so much about the birthday in general but just saying that it would be nice if, sometimes, he put the same effort into the relationship now that he did when you were dating. I'm sure he is busier now you have DC and I think it's important for you to acknowledge that but just remind him that it was one of the things that made you fall for him perhaps?

If he is genuinely forgetful don't worry, am sure in a year or two DD will start reminding him for you

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 06/02/2014 17:26

I really think it's a personality thing and it's totally irrelevant that some people would be happy with an effort thrown together on the day.

Theatre tickets were a nice touch I think though and probably a sign that he did genuinely feel bad.

Tryharder · 06/02/2014 17:27

I suppose you can't help how you feel but I think you are allowed to be disappointed at birthdays up until the age of 21 and then when you are a 100.

Grown women (and men) sulking because of a perceived slight is just a bit...wrong.

Go and enjoy yourselves. Don't spoil your night out by sulking.

LEMmingaround · 06/02/2014 17:27

"Yes he is great in so many ways....childcare, housework etc"

Please don't make an issue of this - just tell him, come on buster - bit more effort next time, ok?

One year my DP didn't buy me a present - i was really upset, but he just coudlnt think what to get me and thought we could go out at a later date and buy something, didn't really have the money to shove in a card. I stropped and sulked and ruined the day we had at the zoo planned with DD - i look back and can see quite clearly who was being the arsehole on that day.

Saying that - he has always been better about the birthdays since, but that i think is because DD is 8 now and insists on going and chosing the presents with him. I have her well primed!

Jan45 · 06/02/2014 17:30

It would've been more an issue to me last year, on my 40th, that's quite an important b/d.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 06/02/2014 17:35

I have form for this.

I'm indecisive anyway and birthdays just send me into a frenzy of 'what'll I get?' So then I do nothing til it's too late.

I think I'm quite nice the rest of the time tho.

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