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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dp has upset me....

53 replies

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 16:46

Recently my birthday and I was upset to see dp scurrying out of the house to get a last minute card and gift on the morning.
Meanwhile our dd 3.5 was opening my cards with me and said "mummy I havn't got a card for you" and was a bit upset. So we sat and made one together. Dp comes back like bedraggled rat from the rain. Takes dd upstairs proceeds to wrap gift and write cards.
We have had a tough end of year and l expected a little more thought....I'd have loved him to take dd to buy or make a little gift and card....not rush around on the day.
Last year on my 40th he did the same....naff bad taste card.
He does work away quite a bit, but certainly has time to organise. This is someone who use to spend hours choosing cards/gifts.
He did book last minute theatre tickets but I just didn't want to go....it really upset me.
Yes he is great in so many ways....childcare, housework etc. He has apologised....but he did the same last year, so it just doesn't wash with me.
I know I'm being overly sensitive aren't I?

OP posts:

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Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 17:57

Great replies everyone thank you. Seems i'm not alone in the odd birthday dissapointment....I feel much better getting it off my chest....

Jan 45
Yes my 40th....did feel a bit sad when the 'national trust membership' came 3 days late
....not knocking NT love all that stuff but thought I might have got a wee bit of bling instead....

OP posts:

Theoldhag · 06/02/2014 21:23

How are you feeling only? I am sorry that your dp behaved in a thoughtless way , it is understandable that you feel hurt by his lack of effort, foresight and feeling towards your birthday. It isn't much to ask is it? A pretty homemade card with some heartfelt words and a little special gift to symbolically show you that he cares.

You have every right to feel upset, he should have put some time aside before your birthday to focus on a wee something just for you. Not a last minute afterthought.

SweetiePie0 · 06/02/2014 21:39

I received a wind up torch and travel mug from the garage for my birthday - was very upset to say the least, but let it go.... Months later on his birthday, he opened up 5litres of engine oil and air freshener from the same garage - he gives my gifts a lot more thought these days!!

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 21:42

The....thanks for understanding....yes just a tiny bit of thought would have been nice....

Sweet....that's really funny I bet his face was a picture

OP posts:

Logg1e · 06/02/2014 21:51

Did you remind him it was your birthday? I'm not excusing his thoughtlessness, but if it's important to you for your daughter to be involved and to have some little, thoughtful surprises you could remind him a couple of times the week before.

In April I would be tempted to wake up on his birthday and explain you'll be buying his card and making one with your daughter in time for him getting home that night.

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 21:54

Logg....yes he did know ....my friend in NZ had sent flowers which came the fri before

I will be doing that in April good idea

OP posts:

Logg1e · 06/02/2014 21:58

But had you said, "It's really important to me to open cards and a couple of thoughtful token gifts on the morning of my birthday because it makes me feel cherished"? Did you spell it out to him?

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 22:03

I didn't spell it out to him. I think he knows after my 40th last year did the exact same thing then....I was quite upset by it then to be honest....
Always the most thoughtful man in the world ....until last couple of years....

OP posts:

Logg1e · 06/02/2014 22:12

Well, you can either clearly communicate or you can expect him to read your mind and continue to be upset and let the resentment grow.

Theoldhag · 06/02/2014 22:16

How has it been between you both these last couple of years?

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 22:27

It's been ok ....we just kind of tick along. Never really get out together. Just a bit in a rut I guess. I have sat down and talked to him about a few things and we are both keen to try and make things better.

OP posts:

Finney2 · 06/02/2014 22:41

Logg1e you expect the OP to give her husband advanced notice of her own birthday every year? Surely the date is, well, the same every year?!

She's told him it's important to her by being upset last year (and FFS she shouldn't have to actually tell him that he shoukd make sn effort for her birthday) and he's basically ignored that.

Theoldhag · 06/02/2014 23:03

I wonder if the two of you would benefit from having some different and fun experiences together, re-connect in a inner child kind of thing. Bit like team building, paint balling, treasure hunts, I don't know, something that will encourage playfullness between you. Get out of that rut, but he needs to make an effort too.

Only1scoop · 07/02/2014 00:40

Yes probably do need a bit of fun....even though spontaneity goes out of the window when you have a dc I know this isn't healthy. Good point.... Thanks

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 07/02/2014 01:01

Some people just aren't very bothered about adult birthdays, at least if they don't have an 0 at the end. Does he expect a fuss to be made of his birthday?

CouthyMow · 07/02/2014 01:19

SGB, it shouldn't matter if HE isn't that fussed by Birthdays - it's important to the OP, and it matters to her. To show your life and care for someone, you pay attention to the things that THEY find important, even if they wouldn't be so important to you...

May have issues about Ex becoming more and more useless about my Birthdays having previously been really good, which evidenced the fact that get had mentally 'checked out' of the relationship, and what mattered to me was no longer important to him...

CouthyMow · 07/02/2014 01:19

Show your life = show your love.

Monty27 · 07/02/2014 01:24

It doesn't matter if they're not fussed about birthdays, they're probably fussed enough about other stuff. But dw and dm of dd is a different thing, who clearly is hurt by this.

OP, I know where you're at. :(

BlodynRose · 07/02/2014 02:13

How is your relationship. Does he tell you and show you that he loves you?

Only1scoop · 07/02/2014 08:39

Thanks for replies....
No I don't think he expects a fuss over his birthday....certainly didnt want a fuss made of mine, just a tiny bit of thought.
Generally relationship just ticks along.

OP posts:

GlitzAndGiggles · 07/02/2014 08:45

A couple years back my dp had to go out for the morning on my birthday and I had naff all to open. When he got back he went in the cupboard where the cleaning products are stored and told me my cards there. I asked why and he said because he thought I would've gone in that cupboard that day . Yes cleaning is what excites me on my birthday, love

Quitelikely · 07/02/2014 08:51

I don't get a present and sometimes buy my own card if it makes life easier for my dh. It's no biggie. Yeah it might be nice if he sorted it himself but its not a deal breaker for me.

You have so many positives in your relationships so if I were you I would focus on them.

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Joysmum · 07/02/2014 09:57

I think this might be because his birthdays aren't that important to him. This is something I had when in the early days of my DH.

The only way is to explain how special it feels to you for him to celebrate you (as birthdays are to celebrate the person, not the day) once a year, and how hurt you feel when he doesn't.

From that he should do something because making you happy is his job as your husband, even if it's not his thing.

Overthinkerzzz · 07/02/2014 10:22

I can definitely understand why you are upset. Your daughter was upset that she didn't have an opportunity to give you a card.

And I can't imagine ever forgetting my partners birthday. It's one fucking day. A day to treat your loved one so yes, I would be pissed

BlodynRose · 07/02/2014 19:12

I think it's important to make a fuss of people on their birthdays if they like that. I do and my DH goes to town. Banner, cake, lots of presents and out to dinner. He on the other hand hates hid birthday and wants nothing special at all.

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