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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dreading holiday with the inlaws

53 replies

lesley07 · 06/02/2014 10:49

I have made a big mistake by suggesting we go awsy with the inlaws for short break over easter...not that i dont like them..they are great..but now my mother is upset that we will take her granchild awsy n leave her on her own...my mother is fantastic with my ds and i love to see the pleasure she gets from spending time with my ds...the inlaws dont see my ds too much..mainly when we go see them...we make the effort to make sure they see our ds...but thats they way they are. I wanted a break and my partner said we cant afford it so i suggested his parents come n share the cost..he was in agreement as likes notjing more than pleasing his parents.
also be our last hol with just ds as we are due second baby in few months..so wish this was our last hol just the 3 of us...now its my fault we wont get that last holiday together n i am so upset by it and dreading it now.
am i being awful?.

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 06/02/2014 11:30

So you dont want to go on a break you wanted because your mother will be upset?

You arent taking her gc away. You are going on a break.

wontletmesignin · 06/02/2014 11:30

And no, you are not being awful. Your motherisnt being very nice by making you feel this way over a break you want and deserve.

Original poster
lesley07 · 06/02/2014 17:32

I knowit sounds silly. My mother doesnt want me to feelbad..says have good time..i can jyst see it in her face..my inlaws dont see ds as much as my mother...they dont make a big effort ..only c her if we go to theirs..never do us any favours if u see..n so my mother sees it unfair they get to c ds so much in this break...iam so upset..thinking of making excuse n cancelling...but will loose deposit!

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 06/02/2014 17:49

Your ds will enjoy spending time his gp's, you will enjoy the break.

The only thing that is getting in the way here, is your dm.

I really dont think you should cancel. It is not unfair at all. Just because your DM sees it as unfair, that doesnt mean it is.

EirikurNoromaour · 06/02/2014 17:51

Grandchildren aren't a timeshare. Your mother is being weird and controlling.

Holdthepage · 06/02/2014 17:52

Don't cancel your holiday. How would you feel if you were going away with your DM & your DH wanted to cancel because it was upsetting his DM? I am guessing that you wouldn't be very happy about it.

It is totally unfair for your DM to be making you feel guilty about this trip in any way.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2014 17:54

Your DM is close to you all and adores DS, that's lovely but she is being greedy. You won't harm your DS's relationship with her by letting him have a holiday with your PILs. If you don't go how will you explain to DH's parents whom he loves as much as you love DM? And the last thing you'd want to do is squander the deposit when there's DC2 coming.

A short break isn't emigrating! You'll be home in no time.

Whocansay · 06/02/2014 18:02

But she IS making you feel bad! Deliberately! What's this crap about it being 'unfair' that they get to spend so much time with him? She's being utterly ridiculous. And controlling. And selfish.

Ignore and have a nice time. Tbh, I think it would be mean of you to cancel a holiday for ds because you're worried about upsetting your mum. And, is your dh not allowed to spend time with his side of the family?

Quinteszilla · 06/02/2014 18:06

Taking her grandchild away. Hmm

Manipulative much?

LIZS · 06/02/2014 18:08

She won't see him for a few days, you're hardly emigrating to Oz. Can't she focus on something else, go away herself? Or you plan a weekend with her later in the year when she can enjoy dc2 as well ?

Preciousbane · 06/02/2014 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catsmamma · 06/02/2014 18:11

so did your mother actually utter the words "taking my grandchild away from me" or not?

seems unlikely she is going to say that and "don't feel bad, have a good time".

and also moan about the UNFAIRNESS of it all.

Obv she might feel at a loose end if she sees a lot of your ds but really it's all a lot of drama over a long weekend away isn't it??

YellowTulips · 06/02/2014 18:41

I think you need to stop being so melodramatic.

It's a short break away - it's not like you are going to be away for weeks.

By your own admission your mother sees her GC more than the inlaws anyway.

Go away, have a good time and don't ruin an opportunity for a lovely break by overthinking this. Thanks

MellowAutumn · 06/02/2014 19:04

I think you and your mother need to stop being so melodramatic

Original poster
lesley07 · 06/02/2014 19:15

My mother and i are very close she hasnt said the words taking her away from me l..just said she'll live with it n to go enjoy myself n stop worrying...but i do feel guilty spending time with the inlaws..especially asthey dont see my ds so much..thier choice.! I wantd a break n the only way i cud convince my dh of going was to say share the cost with his patents..i wudnt usually go away with them...love love love being just me hubby n baby...but oh well...i got myself in this mess really...have to make most of it...it may not be soo bad.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2014 19:19

It might be pregnancy hormones warping your perspective but I don't think you should cancel, it might make you and PILs closer together. They might be very helpful when DC2 arrivves and you want some quiet time with the newborn.

PortofinoRevisited · 06/02/2014 19:21

Why should you feel guilty about spending time with your ILs? Especially if they don't see your ds very often. Your mum is being completely over the top about this.

Original poster
lesley07 · 06/02/2014 20:37

My main point is my mother does a heck of a lot for us n i wud be lost without her...my inlaws however dont do half as much...take a back seat yet still want to be best grandparents when they do spend time with my dd..which isnt a lot..they wud never go out of their way to help us..but my mother is there anytime day or nite...
So feel guilty i have chosen to spend wknd with them n not my mother...all because i wantd a break away n needed convince my dh to go.
Cant deal with the guilty feeling...still its my fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
lesley07 · 06/02/2014 20:38

My main point is my mother does a heck of a lot for us n i wud be lost without her...my inlaws however dont do half as much...take a back seat yet still want to be best grandparents when they do spend time with my dd..which isnt a lot..they wud never go out of their way to help us..but my mother is there anytime day or nite...
So feel guilty i have chosen to spend wknd with them n not my mother...all because i wantd a break away n needed convince my dh to go.
Cant deal with the guilty feeling...still its my fault.

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 06/02/2014 20:47

You feel guilty for spending a whole weekend with your inlaws instead of your mother? Really? A whole weekend out of 365 days isn't very much at all is it?

wontletmesignin · 06/02/2014 20:48

But you arent losing anyone. Nor are you choosing oh parents over yours. You are simply going away for a break. There is nothing wrong with that.

It really sounds as though your mother is controlling.
She does an awful lot for you. Has she repeatedly reminded you of that?

Please, stop feeling guilty as you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Enjoy your break away!

pussycatdoll · 06/02/2014 20:50

Your perspective is skewed

It doesnt matter if your mum is more helpful

Your inlaws want to spend time with you

You can have multiple relationships that are different

You don't need to feel guilty

MellowAutumn · 06/02/2014 20:54

If this is your normal level of cognition and understanding of relationships I think some counselling would really help you get some perspective because this is not healthy.

Logg1e · 06/02/2014 20:57

Perhaps it's your posts, but it sounds a bit like you're using your in-laws to provide an affordable holiday.

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2014 20:57

This is really over dramatic and a bit odd - you can't go away for a few days?
It's ok to be close to your mum but it sounds like you are both a bit too dependent on each other.