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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dreading holiday with the inlaws

53 replies

lesley07 · 06/02/2014 10:49

I have made a big mistake by suggesting we go awsy with the inlaws for short break over easter...not that i dont like them..they are great..but now my mother is upset that we will take her granchild awsy n leave her on her own...my mother is fantastic with my ds and i love to see the pleasure she gets from spending time with my ds...the inlaws dont see my ds too much..mainly when we go see them...we make the effort to make sure they see our ds...but thats they way they are. I wanted a break and my partner said we cant afford it so i suggested his parents come n share the cost..he was in agreement as likes notjing more than pleasing his parents.
also be our last hol with just ds as we are due second baby in few months..so wish this was our last hol just the 3 of us...now its my fault we wont get that last holiday together n i am so upset by it and dreading it now.
am i being awful?.

OP posts:
TamerB · 06/02/2014 20:59

Your mother is using emotional blackmail. She doesn't seem in the slightest way bothered that the other grandparents don't get to see them! Say mildly 'sorry you feel like that' and ignore. There is no need to justify.

justmuddlingalong · 06/02/2014 20:59

Sounds like there isn't much room for your inlaws to be involved. Maybe they don't want to step on your mum's toes.

TamerB · 06/02/2014 21:01

Is she generally a drama queen to get you to toe her line?

MommyBird · 06/02/2014 21:02

I am very close to my mum. She done alot for me, my DH and our DDs, i see her everyday.

However. If i said i was going away with DH and the DDs she would tell us to have a good time and bring back lots of photos!

Is it the fact you're going with the inlaws? Or just in genreal going away?

Its abit odd.

anapitt · 06/02/2014 21:02

I am failing to detect the problem here

MommyBird · 06/02/2014 21:02

*does

TamerB · 06/02/2014 21:04

The problem is that OP is making it her problem when it really isn't.

CPtart · 06/02/2014 21:04

Your DM needs to get a life and some interests of her own.

MommyBird · 06/02/2014 21:04

*general. i can spell, honestly

Lavenderhoney · 06/02/2014 21:09

You're going to have a lovely time away with your dh and his family. Your dc will enjoy it, and I think your dm is being quite selfish to try to spoil it.

Please don't cancel for her. I don't quite understand why she thinks she has a big say in it all, you don't need her permission or goodwill to have a good time and for your dc to spend time with their other gps.

Logg1e · 06/02/2014 21:19

How has the OP's mum done anything wrong?? She's said not to worry about her, go and have fun. The rest is OP's thoughts and interpretations.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 06/02/2014 21:31

Sounds like you are creating a problem where there isn't one. IME different grandparents play different roles. My DFIL is not hands on at all, full of oh so helpful advice though! Hmm However, he loves to go on holiday with us and DC, and frequently offers to take us away eg to Disneyland Paris, or weekends away in UK. Doesn't make an effort to get to know his grandchildren though. My mum helps more practically, despite living 2 hours away. She is very hands on, and wishes she was closer so she could see more of us. She would never dream of suggesting a holiday together though.

Stop worrying about it, and enjoy the holiday!

Original poster
lesley07 · 06/02/2014 23:19

Wow..well some of your replies are helpful and others just not so.
I know it sounds silly to some of you who r not in my position. Think i have not explained myself properly..its hard to say what i think and all the worries i have going on at the min.
thanks for some of the advice anyway.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 06/02/2014 23:23

If you have other worries in your life to contend with, you're not helping yourself by getting so worked up over such a non issue. IMHO.

ChasedByBees · 06/02/2014 23:36

It sounds a little bit like you view the Easter trip as a 'reward' for good grandparenting, and it's one your DM has 'earnt' but your inlaws haven't.

Being a good grandparent and being there is reward in itself, your DM has a good relationship with your DC.

Your inlaws want to spend time with you and your DD. Reading between the lines of this:

take a back seat yet still want to be best grandparents when they do spend time with my dd

It sounds like they have their own lives but love to dote on your DD when they get the chance. That is also good grandparenting, and it will really benefit your DD as she gets to know different but loving adult figures.

Go and have fun. (I'm also going away with inlaws at Easter, I'm looking forward to someone else to chase my energetic toddler!)

YellowTulips · 07/02/2014 00:40

I don't think the OP's mum has said anything than "have a good time" if you read the posts - so the mum bashing posts aren't really helpful.

OP - have you thought your mum might actually mean what she said - have a nice time.....

Put simply, it's just a short break and you are really overthinking all this.

Go on holiday and take the opportunity to have some child free time and feel good about giving your child the opportunity to spend some time with your DH's family.

mynewpassion · 07/02/2014 02:50

Is it that you feel guilty that you are holidaying with the ILs instead of rewarding your DM with a holiday?

Bedtime1 · 07/02/2014 08:59

You can do things with your mum other times . It's only a weekend with the il s you've got rest of year with your mum. If your mum has made you feel bad then she is in the wrong. Why are you feeling guilty ? You've not done anything . Seems to me the guilt has come from your mum making you feel that way!

Divinity · 07/02/2014 09:13

Your posts remind me of how my own mother used to emotionally manipulate me. Whether this is happening to you depends on how she has been in the past with you. Is there a pattern to her actions?

That is, have there been other times that you have looked forward to something and she has spoiled it for you? If she has then you have been conditioned to respond to her whims. She does not actually have to say exactly what she wants as she will be able to manipulate you using insinuation, snide comments, facial features etc.

However, if she has not done this it could be your pregnancy hormones.

In either case tell her you will bring her back something nice and go any enjoy your holiday.
If she's manipulative expect tears or tantrums, if hormones she will be pleased and support you.

Onesleeptillwembley · 07/02/2014 09:15

What a selfish woman your mother sounds. Your child is better off not mixing as much with her.

pictish · 07/02/2014 09:18

So...what is it that is going on here? Does your mother actually expect that you should never go on holiday without her?
Does she think she has earned full access to your child whenever she likes and your holiday is breaking the contract?
Is this fuss because it's your in laws and she is jealous?

None of those things would make her reasonable.

Go on the holiday fgs.

pictish · 07/02/2014 09:22

Or on ther other hand, are you actually overthinking this because you feel obliged to your mum?
Well, you're not. No more than your dh is obliged to his parents anyway.

What if your dh wants to have a weekend break with his parents. Is he betraying your mother as well?
What the heck?

ScentedScandal · 07/02/2014 09:34

You are making yourself feel guilty, because you are trying to make everyone 100% happy 100% of the time. I've done this in the past, it's impossible I'm afraid and is often just your own interpretation of other people's pov anyway. Just go and enjoy the break. Your mum hasn't actually said anything about not going has she?Confused I'm sure she wouldnt want you feeling like this and does understand. I dont know why the op's mum is being criticised here, she hasn't said dont go etc.

dappleton · 07/02/2014 09:42

OP for the sake for your DH, your PIL and your DD go and enjoy the weekend.
I live next door to my PIL, they see my DS every day...when my parents come to visit there can be several days when they don't see him....they understand that they see him everyday and my parents (living 1000's of miles away) don't, so they step back for a few days....it's normal and means my DS gets to build a relationship with his whole family.
You PIL's sound nice, include them in your family. I think if you cancel this trip or sulk throughout you will upset a lot of people.
And think of the future, imagine if your future DIL/SIL cancelled a trip away with you so as not to 'hurt' another grandparent, how would you feel? Alternatively if you got to see your DD and grandchildren every day would you really mind if they went away without you for 2-3days - I doubt it.

Walkacrossthesand · 07/02/2014 17:17

I think this is all about perspective. You are deeply grateful to your DM, and feel guilty that it's the (not so helpful) PILs who are being 'rewarded' (as you see it) with a weekend away with you - but this has meant that you could afford a break that you couldn't otherwise have had, and I presume your DM isn't in a position to afford to subsidise you. But look at it the other way - your DM sees a lot of her DGC, she knows you appreciate that, and quite possibly she is happy for you to be having a weekend away that you couldn't otherwise have afforded.
I would suggest that the PILs generosity about this, goes a long way towards making up for their generally 'not hands-on' stance, but as someone said up thread, different GPs have different styles. Enjoy your holiday, tell your mum you hope you'll be able to go away with her one day, and good luck with DC2!

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