I am jealous (borderline obsessed) with his first wife

[WiseFiver]

Well, his only wife (first tickbox).

DP and I met 18 months ago. We are made for each other: I have waited my life for a relationship like this and he feels the same (as much as I can ever be 100% sure I know someone else's feelings). We're definitely together - no issues with commitment on either side - and generally get on really, really well. We've both been married before and have a vague plan to get married this year. Our kids are all very happily mixed up and - well, I can't believe I'm finally so happy.

So will someone PLEASE help me lose my obsession with his first wife? They were together for 15 years and it fucking kills me. It's not like they had the perfect marriage: they certainly gave it a good go, but it was (apparently - as far as I could ever know) always pretty difficult and finally floundered in 2010. They'd both been considering leaving for a few years: she finally made the break when she met someone else, which was difficult for everyone. To be honest, it's pretty much how my marriage ended and I have a lot of sympathy for the situation.

There are a few differences, though. They had loads of sex (WHY did he tell me this???). I stopped sleeping with my ex-husband (because he was an abusive bastard), so I have a fear of what I see as some all-powerful sexual connection between them. I suppose the fact that it went on for 15 years it's difficult for me (my marriage ended at 7.5 years). They also had quite an exciting life abroad ... even though he tells me the relationship was difficult, I somehow imagine them on some amazing 15 year fucking holiday in the sun.

This was all over well before he met me. She went mad when he met me and has tried to get him back (he has refused - it's come up a couple of times). He's not in much contact with her and it's mainly practical (and borderline hostile). Truly, I don't have much reason to get my knickers in a twist, but I make myself sick by thinking about her/them.

Does anyone have any help for me? I fear I'm going to mess it all up by being so hung up on the past. Sometimes, when he touches me, all I can think is, "Is this how he touched her?". I despise myself.

Oh dear, yes, I would say you really need to let go of this, their marriage failed for a reason, he has no intentions towards her at all so I don't understand why you are focusing on something in his past, you have a past too and I assume all started off well with your ex husband so what's the difference really....

Also, 18months is still the honeymoon period so you probably have him high on a pedestal, nothing wrong with that, it's lovely but until you've been together a fair few years and weathered the bad side of life and stayed together, that's a true test of longitude for a couple.

What do you think would help?

He can't cut contact with her. He can't erase the past.

You're both right.

I don't think he's done anything wrong, or can change it. I just can't seem to get past it.

Is it possible you're not 100% confident in believing you're quite so happy? I'm guessing you were braced for the worst - children not getting on etc - and then it didn't happen. I'm just wondering if you're in a state of 'too good to be true' thinking.

I've done this in the past and it hasn't helped. Working on your self-confidence might be good. You do deserve to be happy, you know?

OP, I know it's probably an obvious or trite suggestion, but how about seeking some kind of counselling? It sounds like you've got the right mindset to get something out of it: wanting to change, but struggling to manage it on your own.

Hi, i dont know if this will help but i do know how you feel slightly as i have been with my partner for 5 years, we are getting married in Nov and have a son. I am constantly going through feelings of jealousy and bitterness about my partners ex who he used to own our house with.

I stalk her on facebook, mainly to make sure she isnt single and therefore a threat to my relationship again, when she is single and starts sniffing around DP again, i get swallowed up in anxiety.

Just letting you know, its normal to feel envy and want to be better for your partner than his ex was because maybe you feel that that way your relationship will be longer and happier however comparing your current relationship to his past one will just make you miserable as your only true insight into it his through your partner.

I say this to you but its something that doesnt sink in for me, i find myself wondering if i will ever accept he is truly happy with me

Does he have children with her?

I really, really think you need to get past this. My DH was married before, and it has never crossed my mind for a moment to be jealous of her or of their relationship.

Just letting you know, its normal to feel envy and want to be better for your partner than his ex was

No, really not normal!

You cannot change history. Acceptance of him having one without you in it will help you. Although you can't change history, you can appreciate his history for shaping him into the man it has made him for you now.

You both sound happy now , as do your kids. You sound like you are both looking for the same future together .

Look forward at what you can be a part of ; not try and relive / reinvent a past you were not part of.

Live for the now .

jadore, I don't think it is normal to feel envy. Especially not after five years.

I think it's really worrying that you stalk her social media profiles. Her life is nothing to do with you.

Why would you feel envy of the woman who is shot of hi when he has chosen to be with you, anyway? It's not her fault if you feel like the runner-up, surely? Does he just not seem a worthy prize without a contest or something?

Seriously. I can't get my head around envy. Worry and insecurity maybe but envy?

Thank you for that flurry of messages. Both the very sympathetic ones and the ones urging me to get beyond it.

Re counselling: was sort of hoping you lot would do that

It seems very self indulgent, to go into counselling with such a first world problem. I am happy. My children are happy. We are healthy and solvent. I'm just so damned jealous of 15 years with him!

I do think there is a fear of it going wrong. I had a pretty brutal marriage, which was difficult to leave (and hard to recover from). I need this one to work. I am very afraid it won't.

DP was a bit of a shit to his ex. Not abusive or unfaithful, but not terribly loving. Found her quite tiresome. I think he liked the regular sex and the lifestyle, but didn't particular cherish her (the opposite). Of course, she sounds like a draining, difficult cow to me, but ... well, we all know that there are two sides. And I'm not so perfect myself.

You really need to accept his past. My DP has an ex-wife (no kids) who he has nothing to do with anymore, and an exP whom he has three DC with. They don't speak - all communication is done via a third party because of her actions after they broke up. That probably makes it easier because I never really have to deal with her.

BUT I have accepted her. They were together for four years, lived together, have kids and a history. Their break-up was unpleasant but I also accept I only know his side. I'm sure she'd have some choice things to say about him, but it's over. It's not my business. If I see her, I'm courteous but it doesn't go beyond that.

It's not healthy to obsess like this. If you can't accept his past and his history with his ex, maybe this relationship isn't for you. It'll just breed resentment and cause problems further down the line.

Tinsel: I think I fear believing he is happy (happier/happiest) with me and then discovering he's not. I think my obsession with his past is an attempt to control that risk: I sort of immerse myself in it, to know it.

Doctors: ah, you have touched on a key issue. This isn't the first time I've felt jealousy. Definitely my issue, and nothing he's done. I focus on the particulars of his past, but I would be like this with anyone who had a former life. Which, bearing in mind I'm 40, is everyone I might go out with. It's destructive and debilitating. And pointless.

OP, don't forget you're as good as him, he's lucky to have you too!

I'm aware I am being very tedious about this. Sorry.

Thanks, Jan :) That's kind of you.

I don't think it's normal to feel like this about exes either.

How are your relationships with other women generally OP? Do you feel competitive with women?

I say this because the only women I've ever come across who feel like this have difficulty relating to other women in some way- and friendships with them are problematical. Strangers to feminism too.

I can definitely get the worry about history repeating itself and him mentioning the sex was a tad insensitive. I suspect, though, that he was just trying to be 100% honest so you got the whole story, even the bits you maybe could do without.

You don't have to force the pace of things though, do you? Trust and confidence will come, I'm sure.

As long as you don't stalk her. Stalking is plain wrong.

I really do think counselling would help you try and give you some coping mechanisms. You know it's your issue, and it's good you've accepted that already - the next step is to learn how to deal with it so it doesn't cause you more problems further down the line.

People think I'm mad being with my DP as I'm only 25. I've been told I could find someone with much less baggage, but I love him and that's what's important. He's accepted my past (no DC, but a lot of other emotional stuff) and that's helped me accept his in a way. Maybe you need to fully accept what happened with your ex?

I think the issue is that his ex was not as shitty as your ex

had she been an abusive cxxt like yours, it would be OK I bet?

but you are not comparing like for like IFSWIM, so I think thats whats fucking you up

I also think you might be comparing his past with yours and getting jealous as his does not appear to be as shitty as yours was???

I also think you have not undestimated the harm that your old marriage has causes you, so some counselling for that is merited at the very least xxxx

I was like you in a relationship once, and I ruined it, I think alot is down to self esteem issues

work it baby as asWhitney said "learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all"

WiseFiver, I know exactly how you feel. Jealousy is such a powerful emotion and it can be so overwhelming and obsessional. I have battled with jealousy all my life and I know that I would feel the same as you in your situation (even though it is illogical).
The only advice I can offer is to keep as much of this as you can from your DP otherwise he'll get really annoyed with you and it could damage what otherwise sounds like a fantastic relationship. I promise you that time will help. The more memories you create together the further she will fade into the shadows and you will think of the past less.

Leavenheath: I have a few very close female friends. But I'm a very vocal feminist, as it happens ... I see where you're coming from and I do think there is a competitive edge to this, but it seems to centre on his emotions, rather than the ex herself. I don't know, exactly.

Knowing that they had loads of sex does rather make me feel as if I have to be super sexual.

I'd go for counselling if I were you.

I'm trying to be diplomatic but...if you trust him then I think it's really weird. If you wanted a man with no history you should have gone for a 15 yr old virgin.

Hey, loads of sex doesn't mean great sex.

I bet he's really happy to be with you.