I am jealous (borderline obsessed) with his first wife

[WiseFiver]

Well, his only wife (first tickbox).

DP and I met 18 months ago. We are made for each other: I have waited my life for a relationship like this and he feels the same (as much as I can ever be 100% sure I know someone else's feelings). We're definitely together - no issues with commitment on either side - and generally get on really, really well. We've both been married before and have a vague plan to get married this year. Our kids are all very happily mixed up and - well, I can't believe I'm finally so happy.

So will someone PLEASE help me lose my obsession with his first wife? They were together for 15 years and it fucking kills me. It's not like they had the perfect marriage: they certainly gave it a good go, but it was (apparently - as far as I could ever know) always pretty difficult and finally floundered in 2010. They'd both been considering leaving for a few years: she finally made the break when she met someone else, which was difficult for everyone. To be honest, it's pretty much how my marriage ended and I have a lot of sympathy for the situation.

There are a few differences, though. They had loads of sex (WHY did he tell me this???). I stopped sleeping with my ex-husband (because he was an abusive bastard), so I have a fear of what I see as some all-powerful sexual connection between them. I suppose the fact that it went on for 15 years it's difficult for me (my marriage ended at 7.5 years). They also had quite an exciting life abroad ... even though he tells me the relationship was difficult, I somehow imagine them on some amazing 15 year fucking holiday in the sun.

This was all over well before he met me. She went mad when he met me and has tried to get him back (he has refused - it's come up a couple of times). He's not in much contact with her and it's mainly practical (and borderline hostile). Truly, I don't have much reason to get my knickers in a twist, but I make myself sick by thinking about her/them.

Does anyone have any help for me? I fear I'm going to mess it all up by being so hung up on the past. Sometimes, when he touches me, all I can think is, "Is this how he touched her?". I despise myself.

I really find it a turn off that people go on about sexual experiences, ex partners etc when you are just getting to know them!

A technique I use when something is "festering" in my brain and I cannot seem to divert my mind is tell myself that I HAVE to think about the horrible thing, that I must focus on it and I must have no other thoughts.

It seems that my mind will then rebel and get fed up focussing on whatever it is and sure enough my mind will wander to other things.

At last, some time to reply.

I've been thinking about your replies and your ideas all day. What a day for navel gazing it's been - I've irritated myself to death, but it's been so very useful. It's probably going to irritate you, too.

Re whether DP was being manipulative - actually, no. Like a couple of you said, this came out very early on (like, second date??), in a jokey kind of way. I asked him a few weeks later on why he said it and he said it was tactless, he'd immediately regretted it and he was probably sort of trying to establish himself as someone who had sex (and wasn't just a sap sending me poetry). I guess that is a crass kind of manipulation, but, really, it's not what he's like. BUT - I definitely HAVE been subject to this before (DH was a sod for it) and I think I spent a long time forming these opinions. DP's comment was an unfortunate trigger. He certainly hasn't repeated it.

To continue on from the fact that I have developed this tendency to jealousy over a long time: god, that is a whole world of woe, which has pre-occupied me all day. Some of it is around the experience of being cheated on, some of it comes from my own past as a bit of a cheater (not when I was married - but, in my teens and 20s, I would end relationships by finding a new one), but the bulk of it comes from a general inability to picture myself being content.

DP and his ex-wife were not very content: they had great times and they had terrible times, but it was always pretty rocky. Something about that seems more 'real' than our easy, companionable, mutually supportive, loving, light-hearted relationship. I feel like some dull aftershow, whilst also knowing that this is bonkers. I love our relationship - it's all I've ever wanted. Except I think I might be a drama addict ... somethiing about adversity compels me. The fact I stayed with DH for so long is evidence of this; we had a horribly adversarial relationship. So I am feeling this nice, calm contentment and thinking, "WHAT IS WRONG???? WHERE IS THE DRAMA??? THIS IS DULL AND MUST MEAN I AM IN A RUT!".

I know this is shit and must seem very facile, but it has only just occurred to me. I've spent my life going after unavailable or difficult men. I made a conscious decision (pre DP) to be alone rather than repeat history, and that was going very well. DP seemed perfect (he is great for me - we have the best time together). I am worried I'm going to mess it all up by creating drama. God, it's just so pointless.

Finally, re competitiveness and the ex-wife: actually, I got past that pretty quickly. It's not so much her - she has good and bad points, like the rest of us and I'm not really very interested in her life, as long as she doesn't cause us harm. But it is about his life with her. I am jealous of that. They had 15 years ... that is an Everest and we are still at base camp.

I'm afraid it will fail. I'm afraid I am incapable of a functional relationship.

Tedious, sorry. Thank you all for your replies; they have led me to some very unexpected perspectives, which is proving to be well overdue.

You don't need counselling. This isn't an uncommon complaint and its nothing to do with accepting or not accepting his past. Nor is it a trust issue.

Some people are just more secure than others, and after being in an abusive relationship I'm not surprised you feel like this aboutn her. People try to make things better at the time, even if they're miserable, perhaps that's why they stuck at it. Mundane reasons in a mundane relationship he obviously didn't enjoy being in.

Your partner must have been happy with and cared for his ex at some point but that doesn't affect your relationship for him so don't let it worry you, he's progressed onto you because you're better for him. All you need to do is reassure yourself when needed that you make him happy now and that's what matters.

It isn't going to stop by itself but you can train yourself to stop thinking about it (just distract yourself). I promise you will eventually get bored of her.

If you spy on her on fb etc. Then block her...it will make you feel better!

OP you sound normal.
And pretty smart and fab too

I'd say you're pretty honest with yourself OP and also very self-challenging, which are admirable traits.

I'm still not sure based on what you say that you see this man as clearly as might be safe for you- and it has only been 18 months after all, so you're still getting to know the real him and the relationship itself doesn't yet have longevity.

Have you talked about any of this to him, I wonder? Do you yet feel safe enough with him to show the sides of your character and personality that you're more uncomfortable with?

Or are you still at the stage where you're showing only your best side to him?

You clearly want to go for counselling. None of us here can really answer your question.

What you feel is not normal. I would be wary of a man who hadn't had great sex with a previous partner by the time he was 40.

It's normal to feel a twinge but not normal to obsess over a relationship your P had or any element of it. I totally disagree that you don't need counselling or that there was some hidden deep meaning to one comment over a year ago where he was trying to establish his male prowess in a very clumsy way and regrets.

If you haven't had professional support as a result of your abuse then that is a leading factor. Even if you have there is nothing at all to lose by talking it through with a neutral party who will help you identify what the trigger is over this one statement. I'm so sorry you have experienced such a horrible time in the past and hope you find a resolution

Thanks again, for both the straight support (thank you) and the questioning (thank you, too). I am pretty honest with him: he is open to listening and responding, but does rather see this as a regrettable irrelevance. His ex-wife is in the past, for him, and he is quite level and rational about my ex, too.

DP can be rather conflict avoidant (the flip side of his easygoingness), but he will listen and talk if I ask for the time. I know it's difficult to know where my issue ends and his facilitation starts, but I really do feel this is my issue ... not least because it pre-dates him by about 25 years. I just drag it around to every new relationship and find a new focus for my anxiety.

I do think I need some professional help with the post-abuse landscape. My life as a child was pretty brutal, too: these are longstanding issues.

Again, thank you. This is making such a difference. None of your advice is wasted and I really appreciate the fact anyone can spend the time on my crap.

I've been on both sides of this. When i was younger i was so jealous and insecure of boyfriends and their exs. I got obsessed too. Horrible horrible looking back. With dh though not a jote. Maybe because i was older (over 30). I can't explain why.

But my advice is practical. I often suffer from obsessive thoughts about various stuff from work to far too embarrassing to mention. But conscious mediation or mindfulness - whatever it is called - has really helped. You just (oh do easy) break the thought pattern. You know it isn't true. Your brain is just going over the same path again and again because you have trained it to go that way. It really helped me when going through horrible obsessive thoughts.

I've done this a bit, I stalk her on tinternet. But I don't beat myself up about it, I know it's when I feel insecure. It's just a morbid fascination, can't believe they were actually together. It's worn off over time but I still keep an eye on her!

The ex- wife always get made out to be mad or difficult or to have done 'awful' things. Women are so quick to believe what they are told, so willing to believe it is the woman who is a nightmare and that the5 man is a stand up guy. I raise my eyebrows to that. 18 months in, relationships are marvellous - loving, passionate, you think your partner is the bees knees and can do no wrong. I feel sorry for his ex actually. I am sure her story would be very eye-opening. Stop whingeing and live your life. In a few years you may decide he is not Mr Perfect after all.

You've identified yourself really that talking to a good therapist would be helpful.

I don't think you've got anything to lose by doing that.

I have felt exactly the same as you OP, I am wondering whether you did eventually go to counselling? If you're struggling still, I found that this book has helped me

wise firstly, (and all due respect to others' opinions) there is no such thing as "normal"! These are your feelings, whether they are normal, "healthy" whatever label, how you feel is based on your relationship, background and probably insecurities that go back a long time.

I doubt there is anyone who is completely confident all the time, if they are, then lucky them.

I agree with Jan that your DP is also the lucky one, and I must say, I wasn't impressed by his ungallant disclosure about the frequency of his sex life with his Ex. What was he hoping to achieve by that, I wonder! Surely if they were so happy, then they wouldnt have ended up divorced.

Also, the exciting holidays on the beach, I would see that in a context.... The best relationships tend to be those where you are content to be with each other where-ever. Holidays are nice, but if you can be just as happy and can make things as special sitting in your back garden with a glass of then you know you have a keeper. Clearly the glamour didn't keep them together !

Wise, I've not rtft yet but had to repond as your OP sounds like I could have written it! Even this bit "DP was a bit of a shit to his ex. Not abusive or unfaithful, but not terribly loving. Found her quite tiresome." which you'd think would help to stop the feelings of jealousy, but it doesn't does it?!

I think I just can't quite believe that I am finally happy and I'm waiting for something to go wrong. Maybe obsessing over how he was with the ex is a way to convince myself if it does all go wrong that there was nothing I could have done, that it was inevitable. But that is then a self-fulfilling prophecy - my insecurities and lack of belief in his love for me will end up pushing him away, proving my point that I wasn't good enough!

Aghhh! It's hard I think when there are DCs involved, as normally you don't need to keep in contact with an ex, once they are gone, that's it, but when there are DCs and that person is still very much around you can't let it go.

Can I ask (if nobody has yet) how you feel you compare to the ex? I only ask because I am the complete and utter opposite in every way. Now while I know that he finds me very attractive and values my more homely characteristics above her 'more obvious' ones, there is always a niggle that if this was the woman he chose to have children with WTF is he doing with me?!

I torture myself by looking at their photos together on FB looking happy together (terrified that I will accidentally click like on one of them and she'll know!) and he still has some family photos up in his house (which I asked him to move into the DCs' rooms because it bothered me having to look at them).

Biased friends have said that I don't need to feel inferior to her and most of the time I don't, but there is always that clincher - she is the one who bore his children, something I will never get to do.

I know he's a better man for me than he ever was with her and I am much happier and therefore more loving and giving to him than for my ex, but there will always be a little bit of me that is morbidly fascinated by their relationship. Maybe if he does actually marry me at some point in the future and I get the one thing she never did then I will feel more secure, do you think that might help you?

Sorry, just noticed Lagoon has re-awoken this thread from Feb. If you're still with us Wise, how's things?