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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am jealous (borderline obsessed) with his first wife

91 replies

WiseFiver · 04/02/2014 15:56

Well, his only wife (first tickbox).

DP and I met 18 months ago. We are made for each other: I have waited my life for a relationship like this and he feels the same (as much as I can ever be 100% sure I know someone else's feelings). We're definitely together - no issues with commitment on either side - and generally get on really, really well. We've both been married before and have a vague plan to get married this year. Our kids are all very happily mixed up and - well, I can't believe I'm finally so happy.

So will someone PLEASE help me lose my obsession with his first wife? They were together for 15 years and it fucking kills me. It's not like they had the perfect marriage: they certainly gave it a good go, but it was (apparently - as far as I could ever know) always pretty difficult and finally floundered in 2010. They'd both been considering leaving for a few years: she finally made the break when she met someone else, which was difficult for everyone. To be honest, it's pretty much how my marriage ended and I have a lot of sympathy for the situation.

There are a few differences, though. They had loads of sex (WHY did he tell me this???). I stopped sleeping with my ex-husband (because he was an abusive bastard), so I have a fear of what I see as some all-powerful sexual connection between them. I suppose the fact that it went on for 15 years it's difficult for me (my marriage ended at 7.5 years). They also had quite an exciting life abroad ... even though he tells me the relationship was difficult, I somehow imagine them on some amazing 15 year fucking holiday in the sun.

This was all over well before he met me. She went mad when he met me and has tried to get him back (he has refused - it's come up a couple of times). He's not in much contact with her and it's mainly practical (and borderline hostile). Truly, I don't have much reason to get my knickers in a twist, but I make myself sick by thinking about her/them.

Does anyone have any help for me? I fear I'm going to mess it all up by being so hung up on the past. Sometimes, when he touches me, all I can think is, "Is this how he touched her?". I despise myself.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 04/02/2014 17:30

Examine that then, in feminist terms.

Why do you think some women feel the need to compete to be super sexual and better than other women in bed?

Original poster
WiseFiver · 04/02/2014 17:30

I really appreciate all your responses, thank you.

Fivepies, you just made me cry a bit. I do feel like such a fool, being so stuck on this.

There are a lot of "go to counselling" comments. A good idea, then?

OP posts:
Original poster
WiseFiver · 04/02/2014 17:32

Leavenheath: "because it keeps their man"

That's my emotional response. Objectively, it's a ridiculous statement, but I'm suffering massive dissonance around that.

OP posts:
Isetan · 04/02/2014 17:47

You NEED councelling, your competitive jealousy is the tip of an iceberg that could easily set you up for a serious fall. This is as much about your past as it is your present and it's time to deal with it.

hermionepotter · 04/02/2014 17:57

you could look at it as having loads of sex was irrelevant as they still split up Confused

do you think you're worthy of love, worried deep down that maybe you're not? (I think that's very commonplace) Perhaps issues left over from your previous marriage. Counselling could just help you to feel more secure in yourself if so

Original poster
WiseFiver · 04/02/2014 18:04

Thanks again, all. Just re-reading it all. I'm on a deadline, so not replying as much as I'd like. I really appreciate it.

I have been avoiding counselling for a while, tbh.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 04/02/2014 18:04

what is your dp's relationship like with his ex? Because if, for instance, they are still close friends, often have coffees together and intimate chats over the phone regularly I could see why you might be threatened by her. If, however, they are ex's for a reason and maintain contact only for the benefit of the kids then you are being very unreasonable.

People generally come with a past. Usually that past involves another long-term partner if they're in their late 30's/early 40's, in fact if someone in his 40's didn't have any history of partners I would think that bloody odd in itself and it would leave me more likely to run for the hills... Wink

If you have a legitimate reason for feeling threatened by your dp's ex then you need to talk to him about it. If this is just an irrational jealousy though based on the amount of sex he says he had then you really just need to get a grip and get over it.

And while I think that counselling certainly has its place, to suggest counselling as a way of getting past the jealousy of an ex is IMO ludicress. If you need counselling this early on into a relationship then might I suggest you need a new relationship. n

wannaBe · 04/02/2014 18:06

and to whoever stalks their dp's ex on fb, that is shocking behaviour and if my dp did that I might well find that a deal-breaker.

Bottom line is, do you trust him? well then if you do the ex is irrelevant in the scheme of things. Ex for a reason and all that.

FabULouse · 04/02/2014 18:09

This reply has been deleted

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Allofaflumble · 04/02/2014 18:10

Wisefiver. I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and to reassure you that if it is normal to have feelings of happiness, regret, fear, etc, then how can it not be normal to have feelings of jealousy.

You could just accept that this is how you feel. Of course acting on it is another matter. I believe in time those feelings will fade. I truly don't understand how someone can say it is not normal, if that is how you feel, that is how you feel. You are human and that comes with a myriad of emotions and feelings.

I was with someone like this once many years ago. Would mention how his exwife would enjoy something in bed when we were in bed! How good she was at being on top, whereas I don't like it much!

It does knock your confidence. Don't be hard on yourself. Be your own best friend and remember you are the catch. ;)

Bonsoir · 04/02/2014 18:10

Gosh.

My DP was with his ex-W for 15 years (though not living together/married all that time - they met very young) and my only feeling about his life with her was that it was crushingly boring and predictable and very superficial. I have always been very confident that his life with me is a lot broader, deeper and more exciting.

I don't think it bodes well for your relationship if you have an inferiority complex vis-à-vis his exW. In what ways are you better than her? What are you bringing to the relationship that she didn't? You need to think yourself up...

Allofaflumble · 04/02/2014 18:12

PS .Feeling a bit insecure is not a criminal offence.

Decking your fella's ex wife would be.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 04/02/2014 18:17

Ok to think when your husband touches you - is this how he touched her? Might be normal but it doesnt sound 'healthy'.

Branleuse · 04/02/2014 18:18

I have at times felt very jealous of DPS ex wife and Facebook checked plenty of times. It isn't healthy,but its not really abnormal either. It just represents your worst fear and secret insecurity.

I think time will lessen it and you'll become more confident, and maybe speaking to a therapist about it if you can.

Is there any reason you feel insecure?
How come he told you about their sex life?

fiftyandfab · 04/02/2014 18:30

OP, why not just think that you met him at EXACTLY the right time. Had you met, say, 15 years ago....it might not have worked for you both. Those 15 years with her made him the man he is now, with YOU!

Can you not just accept that you both have a past, it's made you both what/who you are today....free to enjoy your lives and each other. It's a happy ending! Grin

PleaseNoScar · 04/02/2014 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onesleeptillwembley · 04/02/2014 19:30

You keep saying you're happy. But you're obviously not. It's not a really long term relationship and if you're looking for issues to obsess about (consciously or not) then it seems that there is something fundamentally wrong. Which of course you will not agree to. But if this is the case this relationship will not last. You will either drive yourself or him potty over time with this. I will sound cruel but I suggest you look long and hard and see if this is as good as you think.

Hissy · 04/02/2014 19:33

Try to tell yourself that if it goes wrong, it goes wrong, but you will survive, regardless.

It is more likely to go wrong if you are not yourself, so chill out, enjoy life for what it is and make sure he's good enough for you!

:)

LyndaCartersBigPants · 04/02/2014 19:57

I know exactly how you feel. If you're anything like me, it's probably a confidence issue. After an ea marriage of 15 years I find it hard to believe that my DP of 18 months can actually be as in love with me as he says (and shows) that he is!

His ex was super glamorous, slim, blonde and outgoing - the complete opposite of me - and a huge little part of me feels that I'm not good enough for him. His ex is way too friendly with him for my liking and although rationally I KNOW that he'd never get back with her, I can't help feeling sick at the thought of them together.

It's a bit shit of your DP to tell you how much sex they had though. That's bound to make you insecure. I don't expect all the reminiscing to be negative, but nobody needs to hear that. Have you told your DP how you feel?

If your DP is sensitive about your feelings and reassuring then I'm sure you'll get over this obsession. If however, he enjoys the drama of having you feeling insecure and having you both 'fighting' for him it won't be so easy.

SelectAUserName · 04/02/2014 19:58

OP, I didn't say this in my first post but it might help you to hear it. When I first got together with my now-DH - who had also been married before - I discovered, to my absolute surprise, that I was pathologically jealous. Had never happened before with previous (albeit less serious) boyfriends. I wasn't just jealous of his ex-wife, I was jealous of anyone he spent time with - his daughter, even male colleagues. It had nothing to do with not trusting him because I never had any doubt about the strength of his feelings for me, but I couldn't switch it off. It wasn't normal and if I'd let it go unchecked, it would have destroyed us.

I had counselling and explored some issues which were more to do with me and my low self-esteem than him and any past/other relationships - of any type - he might have had. It's the best thing I ever did; I was lucky to strike up a real rapport and trust with my counsellor and she helped me immensely.

That was several years ago and we're still together, now happily married and I don't have any jealousy issues any longer.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 04/02/2014 20:02

Agree with Pausing below too, both DP and I learned a lot from the mistakes we made in our previous relationships and are much nicer people with each other than we were before, so the person you know and love is not really the same person he was back then.

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 20:09

op I think it's because deep down you think you dont deserve to be happy because the abusive relationship Has effected you deeply .Go seek help for your self esteem. It's not about his ex.

Time will bring you lots of happy memories and bring security to you.

Been there and wearing the T-shirt x

Original poster
WiseFiver · 04/02/2014 20:32

Hello all. Just came back

OP posts:
Original poster
WiseFiver · 04/02/2014 20:36

Hello all. Just came back on after time with him and his DD. I wanted to disappear tonight, but got it together enough to stay home and be nice company for them both. We had a lovely night.

I am very appreciative. Your responses - supportive and practical - are so helpful, and I'll keep this thread for my own sanity. Your perspective and experience is invaluable; this is my shoddy little secret and to talk about it is such a relief.

OP posts:
Original poster
WiseFiver · 04/02/2014 20:37

Thanks for the kindness, too. I am ashamed of my feelings.

OP posts: