We All Make Mistakes

[MyMistake]

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

Yeah...look, you're talking to someone who's best friend at the moment is in bits over 3 years of serious deceit. She doesn't want to live anymore.

Her ex is a shit of the highest order and any good qualities he has are wiped out from the thousands of humiliating lies he has told his wife and 2 kids for years. Him and his ow are shitty people. This defines them in my eyes. They have trampled over other people's feelings and lives to get a new life together.

The two ow on this thread discussing 'their mm' (other women's fucking husbands) make me feel sick.

Blaming people is fun?!?!
Grass....you should seriously ask yourself why your self esteem is so low you get involved with mm.

Nothing is 'fun' about this thread. It's vile. Your behaviour is vile.

People don't belong to people though do they? Adults have free will. I'm sorry that your friend is going through hell, it has happened to people close to me too and I know what they go through.

I just hate the inbuilt misogyny on these threads, where the assumption is that men are only faithful because nice girls won't shag them or whatever. Men decide for themselves who to shag, sorry.

mamma you are extrapolating from your friend's experience as much as I am extrapolating from mine. It doesn't make either of those experiences more 'right' or 'wrong'.

Life is complex and certainly not black and white.

Thanks KA for sharing your story. Very different to mine but an interesting one.

IMHO life is complicated and we can all learn from our own and others' experiences.

I have found this discussion really helpful to me. MN is always a good place to vent and get different views and I have learnt a lot from MN over the years on all kinds of topics.

Having been addicted to Relationships on MN for around four years it seems faintly ridiculous to be posting about this here now but it is helping me move on and make some decisions.

The mutual back patting would have been better taken to private message, tbh

There are many women on here devastated by how they have been treated by their partner and the stupid women that collude in wrecking people's lives

It's beyond insensitive

OP, your dispassionate navel gazing is distasteful and it means fuck-all how "ok" you are with the fact that your H did the dirty on you, many posters on here are very far from ok with it

OP, you posted around the time of your husband's infidelity didn't you ? Would you have been so "ok" to read a thread like this back then ?

The relationship boards are for everybody. Nobody needs to use PMs unless they want to break guidelines etc.

Your comment about 'stupid women' is offensive in my eyes but I respect your right to post about your feelings on an open forum.

The serene "everybody makes mistakes" schtick is offensive to me, but more so for the people on the receiving end of such "mistakes"

Everyone is responsible for their own actions.

Getting involved with someone else's partner is a very shitty thing to do.

Before writing those inappropriate emails you should have stopped yourself. Not doing so shows a weakness of character and little self control so maybe you need to work on those things.

My experience as well green...and I also have friends that have chosen to become involved with married men.

The back slapping didnt break any guidelines but was pretty offensive to the many women on the other end of this. Totally unashamed...left a bad taste in my mouth and I'm sure many others reading it in silent revulsion....

This is the relationships board, isn't it? So I don't see how talking about a relationship is an issue.

It is not the OW/OM who "wreck people's lives" though. It is the married partner. I appreciate that there are many victims of awful behaviour including affairs on this board but I do find it sad that any discussion about this topic ends in a blaming and slagging match. I certainly never set out to insult anyone. Each relationship and situation is different. The OP proves the point.

I feel sorry for those on the receiving end too, their husbands are callow twats. It feels very Old Testament though to cast out women who get involved with MM, and declare them unfit for public conversation.

Hi AnyFucker. Yes I did post then. I'm not sure what I would have thought then to be honest. I wouldn't have been angry I don't think as I never got angry. As I alluded to earlier, mostly I had a DC issue in parallel which swiftly made XH's affair just a smaller issue to be to be honest.

Most I think that I would just have not understood what is written here as I knew so much less then about the complexities of life.

The married partner doesn't wreck the lives by himself. Somebody, knowingly enters into a relationship with him and collides to hide it from his wife and family.

• colludes....

It's not they are "unfit for public conversation" how ridiculously dramatic. One might also call that "Old Testament"

I would call it "good manners" to take it offboard when you find a fellow backslapper. Cetainly more respectful of the many devastated women that use this board as a lifeline.

if Op was distressed I might think differently, but she appears very content with her contribution to the downgrading of another marriage

IIRC, Op was not quite so charitably benevolent when she was on the receiving end of it

I agree ExcuseTypos. But certainly in my case things evolved and we edged into an affair over a period of time. Whilst I have never had one before and don't intend to do it ever again I suspect that these things often evolve and are less clear cut than many imagine. My XH's affair was like this as well I believe.

mamma I agree that the affair partner is complicit. But I repeat that they are not cheating. The married partner is. Their marriage is their responsibility, not the OW/OMs responsibility. Ludicrous to assume otherwise. The OW/OM might not even collide in hiding the affair. In fact they might be the ones who uncover it to the wife or husband.

I am not saying that engaging in an affair is morally sound behaviour (it isn't) but the deceit, lies and cheating is the responsibility of the MM/MW alone. They chose to engage in it and they can choose to end it at any time.

I've always felt really strongly, since I was a teenager, that blaming women for men's sexual choices was a crock of shit. However, I've never yet changed anybody's mind on the cheating man/ single woman thing, and I don't ever expect to.

But I will pop up and say my piece on these threads, because there are a few posters who feel like I do, and I want them to know they're not alone or losing the plot.

What AF says ^

Exactly that...

Morris....get over the male/female thing.

No one has blamed the women for leading the men astray!!! No one has blamed the women more than the husband. It's not a gender thing. It's a 'dint get involved with a married person' thing.

I actually did post here because I am distressed. My fault I know for doing something stupid but distressed nevertheless.

I don't blame women for men's shit behaviour. I blame women for their own shit behaviour.

"Evolved" eh?

As I said, you need to work on self control.