So, after Hysterical Bonding, what next?

[FoxyTerrier]

Hi there
Have posted about this before, and really appreciated your help and advice.

DH had a year long, long-distance affair with a work colleague. It was mainly online, but they slept together on 3 occasions, at work events. It caused devastation, but he is full of remorse, has been honest, thoughtful and kind and full of disbelief at his own behaviour since, etc. It has been a very intense 4 months, since finding out. Reading other posts, we seem to be fitting 'the script'...intensity, open communications, lots of sex and physical contact, etc. Alongside rage and anger and tears, on my part anyway.

I now feel things are settling into some sort of 'normality'. I still wake up thinking about it, but I have asked every question possible, raked over every detail, received an apology from OW (and a hundred apologies from DH). I now feel a bit 'what next'. I don't want to enable him to forget, but at the same time, I guess I need to 'leave it' and move on. I guess the adrenaline has stopped pumping so hard, and it's feeling a bit 'cold light of day'...now how does it work?

I wonder if any of you, who have been through the same, could help me shed light on this new phase...what are your experiences? We both really want to make it work, and to continue to have a better and stronger relationship. I think I am worried that once things settle down, maybe he will want to contact OW again for a bit of excitement...he has shown no interest in doing so -that is in my own head. But how do you deal with it?

Thanks in advance.

I think when the adrenaline stops pumping it becomes worse in a way. More real. During that whole period of shock it's like wearing some sort of invisibility cloak where you feel like any minute now someone's going to wake you up from the nightmare.

I can't offer you great advice. I can offer you a hug though

Ah, thank you DCRBye. I know what you mean, it does seem more real - like stepping out of a bubble.

In my case, hysterical bonding was followed by loathing. The relief that he'd chosen me over her evaporated and I felt nothing but contempt for the pain he'd caused me. 'How dare he?' I went from wanting to make it work to complete detachment because I couldn't even look at him without wanting to do him some kind of injury. His apologies just sounded more and more fake, I couldn't trust him and I realised that was the end.

Cogito Over what sort of time period was that, if you don't mind me asking?

About two or three months. We hysterically bonded, talked a lot, went on a lavish holiday in an attempt to make a fresh start & started planning to move house for similar reasons. Looking back, however, I realise I was just being swept along by shock, adrenaline, relief, and lots of other rather surreal emotions that had nothing to do with good judgement whatsoever. I couldn't imagine solo life at that stage so anything - however crappy or demeaning - that kept the marriage together seemed like a good idea.

One day I got the 'what next?' feeling as I looked at him across the table. And I realised that he wasn't worth what I was putting myself through. Sorry that it's not very optimistic.

Cogito - please don't say sorry - I asked the question, and appreciate your honesty. thank you.

I am still really wanting to make it work, as is DH...I just hope that continues. It is a rollercoaster, still, but just different. I really value any experiences, good or bad, to try and get my head round things.

At 4 months in I can remember feeling a bit like this, but I had no fears at all about my husband re-contacting the OW. That seemed like the most unlikely occurrence.

At this stage, we'd barely scratched the surface of the deep sustainable changes that needed to happen, or the conversations we needed to have. My husband was also part way into his own counselling at this point and each session was quite revelatory and helpful to talk about.

He was also still reading quite a bit and so was I.

I can remember feeling very flat when the shock and adrenaline had worn off though and so I had some therapy myself, screening very carefully indeed for a good person to see. I struck gold as DH had with his therapist and this helped enormously with some of the feelings I was experiencing. As I recall I started my therapy about 6-8 months in and he started his about 3 months in. Neither of us would have touched Relate with a bargepole though. These were very experienced private therapists.

I had this with an ex partner, who I stayed with for around eighteen months after his affair. After the shock had worn off I just felt so incredibly angry with him. I just couldn't stop thinking about it. The beginning of the end for me was when he gave a huge sigh and asked me when I thought I was going to get over it.

Having said that, every couple is different and we didn't have counselling, so perhaps that would have made a massive difference. In hindsight, I'm glad we didn't because I'm happy now.

Yes, I think counselling may be the way forward. I think we both thought we were working through things well without it, but maybe that is naïve. We have both read a lot too. I am nervous about counselling though; and that it will put things back to the start again I suppose. I don't know why I've wondered about him contacting OW - there is nothing at all in his behaviour to suggest he has the slightest interest or intention....I think I'm just feeling twitchy. I have just been feeling grumpy about the whole thing over the weekend- I guess it's not surprising really!

I don't recommend couples counselling. I do recommend singular therapy with people you individually screen very thoroughly.

In our case, the affair itself caused the difficulties in our marriage and we felt we had the skills to repair the damage.

The individual therapy was extremely helpful to my husband to link what he'd done, with lieflong behaviours and attitudes.

Mine was to link some things I'd always accepted as minor faults - and even strengths in him - with what had happened.

Thanks Familyscapegoat...I have been recommended 2 therapists, I will look into it - I don't think I would want to go along as a couple. How long would you expect to be in counselling?...or is it 'how long is a piece of string'?

My husband went for about 6 months. I went for 5.

It is as you say impossible to give an average, because it depends what gets unearthed, how skilled the counsellor is at getting to the nub of issues and how receptive the client is. Both of ours were very clear that the weekly sessions were only part of the therapy and that we'd get the most out of it if we did some work in between sessions. Both counsellors gave us a kind of 'homework' to do in between times and this made the sessions more focused and valuable.

By the way, I sensed I'd found the right one when I asked her on the phone why in her experience affairs happened. She was the first one I'd spoken to who didn't immediately start talking about affairs being a response to difficulties in a relationship. She said sometimes this is a factor and sometimes it isn't and that there was no 'definitive' just individual stories. Having just read a really terrible book by Relate full of 'definitives', this was like a breath of fresh air.

Sorry but he'll probably just do it again and the fact your still thinking about it means you've not dealt with the issues. Sex is sex and you can't base a future or relationship on sex. If that's all that's there then time to close the book and start a new one. Good luck, stay strong x

Thanks scapegoat...I will think about that sort of approach when looking for a counsellor. I have heard many negative things about Relate, and don't think either of us would sit comfortably with their approach.
Erm, str8 I don't remember at any point saying that sex was all we had bonding us together. There is a 20 year history we have prior to this affair; and yes, I completely 'get' that he disregarded that whilst conducting a crappy, sordid little affair; but we both want to try and come out of this together, and stronger. It is only 4 months down the line, I think it's fairly normal to still be 'thinking about it'. However, thanks for your opinion, and yes, I am trying to stay strong.

There are some very helpful posters here Foxy and then there are others...

Indeed, there seem to be quite a few 'others' around at the moment....

I don't think my situation is the same as yours but was in counselling and realised that for a lot of our 35yrs I wasn't treated right and think I started to change so he took OW out. we had 4 months of 'honeymoon' but I was still in counselling and realised I couldn't be bothered to live with him any more I was so tired of trying to be what he wanted that I was worn out, so although the last 4 months of our marriage I loved him more than ever , the OW wasn't the worst thing he'd done to me and I left.I still love him more than ever though and nearly 3 years later my heart still races when I see him and i'd love tohave the 'lovely' him back in my life.xx

I don't know why I've wondered about him contacting OW - there is nothing at all in his behaviour to suggest he has the slightest interest or intention....I think I'm just feeling twitchy.

But that's just it - that feeling is the legacy of what he did. You'll always now have a touch of this feeling, sometimes more than others. Innocent situations will set off feelings like this. You have, as you say, 20 years of history, which meant nothing to him when there was a chance for him to experiment elsewhere. Of course you will wonder what he is getting up to - if you didn't, surely you'd be lacking in some fundamental intelligence?! He's shown you he can't be trusted. This is what not trusting your partner feels like.

20 years is a long time.

A year is a VERY long time to keep up a cruel deception of that 20 year partner.

Maybe this is what some other posters are trying to get at - albeit clumsily.

I think what happens next is more or less entirely down to how his treats you going forward.

In my case I went from initial disinterest to being totally consumed by the whole thing, there was literally never a moment when it wasn't on my mind. DH was always there for me through that period, always sorry, always doing his very best to make me feel comfortable and reassured. He cancelled work travel, late meetings and work dinners at the drop of a hat if I appeared stressed by them. He still does.

Now, I'll be honest, I rarely think of it, and even when I do it's in a very neutral light. It no longer hurts like it did.

Others who left their partners maybe didn't have that level of contrition and support. I don't know.

Your marriage will always be different though. Not necessarily worse (mine is better), just different.

familyscapegoat I'm so devastated to read what you say about Relate.

I was due to start counselling with them in a couple of weeks re my ex husband.

But after what you have said and how crap they sound, I have cancelled.

It's just so bloody sad that there are many many hundreds of people like me can't afford private experienced therapists as you have been able to.

Can you link to the hopeless Relate book? I am so angry and upset on my own behalf that I will ring Relate HQ and tell them of your experience and how it's ruined all my hopes of any help from them and could they please withdraw the book.

Makes

The book was called 'After The Affair'.

If you've already broken up with an unfaithful man, I think you'll fare better with Relate actually.

Rather than cancel, why not do a bit of screening to find out how much experience the counsellor has of helping someone cope with the breakdown of a relationship due to infidelity?

I'm sure like any organisation, there are bad people, mediocre people and great people. You might strike lucky, but don't be afraid of screening just like you would for any other service you buy in. You wouldn't hire a builder without asking questions about previous work, or a tutor for your child without finding out about the person's experience, attitudes and results. This is no different.

Incidentally, our private therapists were cheaper than Relate would have charged!

Family scapegoat, why did you feel so strongly about not going to Relate?

I went to see them for a few months after a breakup and found them v helpful.

For such a big organisation, Relate actually don't have many centres nationwide and so the only people I knew who'd been had experience of the only two centres that would have been realistically available to us if we'd chosen a therapist from there. Even then both were some distances away from our H/A.

One friend had gone to our nearest centre after her husband had been unfaithful. She went with her husband. To her horror, the counsellor told her she'd clearly not been meeting her husband's needs in some way and that despite the fact she'd only found out about the affair a fortnight before, she should stop asking her husband questions about it because the answers wouldn't do her any good. To his credit, the husband was the one who walked out of the session. Poor friend felt re-victimised by the whole experience.

I'm not someone who judges a place by one rogue operative, so when I was looking for a therapist I did phone both centres. I asked some difficult questions and found that none of the therapists at either centre had received any specific training in issues around infidelity, not all of the counsellors had qualifications at all (!), some of them were trainees who received no supervision actually in the room with clients and there was likely to be a 6 week wait after an initial consultation and the therapist who saw me initially wouldn't be the same one as assigned later on. We discussed fees too and they operated a sliding scale according to income. My income would have required a fee that was £20 a week more than nearer fully-qualified private therapists who could see me imminently. It was a no-brainer, really.

That's not to say that there aren't good ones because I'm sure there are and I'd say you might have better luck if the decision's already made to leave a relationship or if you've got more generalised issues as a couple.

I don't feel they justify their market leader status though. They aren't responsive to customer demand, there aren't enough centres to go around and their counsellors aren't necessarily better than others to justify the increased prices, travelling time and expense involved.

op If you want my advice, I'd advise knocking these forums on the head. The advice here is sometimes useful; however, there are (understandably) some very very bitter people on here. Listen to what they have to say, but then go on and live the rest of your life. I'd venture that your chances of getting over this, whilst you stay inside this mumsnet bubble, are greatly reduced. You don't need to forget what your partner did, but these forums will keep the volume elevated (as your story will not differ materially from literally a thousand others on here) which will make any recovery that much more difficult.

That's my opinion anyway.