So, after Hysterical Bonding, what next?

[FoxyTerrier]

Hi there
Have posted about this before, and really appreciated your help and advice.

DH had a year long, long-distance affair with a work colleague. It was mainly online, but they slept together on 3 occasions, at work events. It caused devastation, but he is full of remorse, has been honest, thoughtful and kind and full of disbelief at his own behaviour since, etc. It has been a very intense 4 months, since finding out. Reading other posts, we seem to be fitting 'the script'...intensity, open communications, lots of sex and physical contact, etc. Alongside rage and anger and tears, on my part anyway.

I now feel things are settling into some sort of 'normality'. I still wake up thinking about it, but I have asked every question possible, raked over every detail, received an apology from OW (and a hundred apologies from DH). I now feel a bit 'what next'. I don't want to enable him to forget, but at the same time, I guess I need to 'leave it' and move on. I guess the adrenaline has stopped pumping so hard, and it's feeling a bit 'cold light of day'...now how does it work?

I wonder if any of you, who have been through the same, could help me shed light on this new phase...what are your experiences? We both really want to make it work, and to continue to have a better and stronger relationship. I think I am worried that once things settle down, maybe he will want to contact OW again for a bit of excitement...he has shown no interest in doing so -that is in my own head. But how do you deal with it?

Thanks in advance.

If you go to the BACP website it will have a list of counsellors in your area. Where I live there is a charity that doesn't exclude anyone on the basis of cost. I know someone who paid £1 a session.

My wife found out about my affair 4months after I finished it. I didn't minimise, told her everything and went back to my parents for a while. I never blamed my wife or the OW. I took all the blame as it was my fault. I answered every question with total honesty even though I felt horrific. I moved back home after around 2weeks. Communication and sex were very open, we went on holiday and discussed the future. My wife had RL support from her family and mine. This was five years ago, our marriage is different it will never be the same but in lots of ways it is stronger, although in others it is more fragile.

This place really helped me, I wasn't keen on counciling as I felt they would blame childhood etc, I always knew I wasn't quite right. However I went, a really good therapist, I am a narcissist, high functioning blah blah blah. I am forever endebted to wife for staying, I know it wasn't easy.

As most on here have said these things do follow a set pattern, it is how we deal with them that differs, as people nothing is black and white. There is a lot of grey areas, no decisions you make are right or wrong you have to do what is right for you.

Contrarian...yes, I take that comment on. I do sometimes read stuff on here and feel a bit hopeless at times. However, the good usually outweighs the bad.

cjel thanks for that info, will look it up today.

madeofstone - thanks for your input. It's good to have a view from 'the other side'. I think your comment about your marriage being stronger in some ways, more fragile in others, really chimes with me. I wonder if I could ask you a personal question? How do you feel about the affair now, in hindsight, and how do you feel about your affair partner. It's just something I wonder about a lot...I hope you don't mind my asking.

I think the thing I'm trying to work through is that I'm still REALLY angry with DH. I need to let myself feel this I suppose - he has been honest, open and 'perfect husband' (ironic) since it all blew up; things have settled, I'm not behaving so erratically, but I'm still really angry that he could've done that to me - and maintain that he loved me throughout. I know its' his problem, not mine, but I just wonder what he got out of it, that he couldn't have got from me. I still find the whole thing surreal and mind-boggling

I was similar to Cogito. In my case although I didn't realise it at the time it was all about victory over the OW and 'getting him back' and once she was out of the picture and I had 'won' I suddenly realised I didn't actually want him anymore because I lost all respect for him. I couldnt get over the fact that he had hurt me so much and got away with it.
But then I felt obliged to work at it because I had tried so hard for it and after 2 years of hard slog, trying to love him I ended up hating him and eventually sent him on his way.

Kaluki, that sounds completely understandable and probably happens a lot. OP, you might find yourself here in time and that's fine, either way you will find out. If your OH is acting like the perfect husband and wasn't before then I'd find this suspicious, almost like the guilt of it all is making him act out of character or that he's putting on some kind of act.

What were things like before he started this affair, it's worrying sometimes to read that everything was ok and it was completely out of character, almost makes you feel like you can't trust anyone.

Jan45, he was, generally speaking, lovely before the affair - yes, it does make it worrying that nobody is trustworthy. During the affair, he wasn't lovely - I put it down to other pressures; of which there are many (shared business/financial pressures - and no, the stress didn't send me running to someone else) but he was distant, disinterested and grumpy with me and the kids. Very out of character, but I could never have guessed what he was up to as it was so random (ie. She lives in Oz)...and so no sneaking about, extra nights out, long trips to the supermarket. It was all conducted from his office at home, and then opportunity to meet at work events. I could never have guessed and would never have thought it of him. I think they both thought that due to the fact they had families and were so far away, it would never turn into anything. I still cannot quite get my head around it.

Thanks for sharing kaluki...it's such a bumpy ride, this whole thing.

I could be wrong but I suspect like many cheaters, he may have shown signs of being selfish before the affair but because it was low level (to begin with) and also possibly due to conditioning, it wasn't challenged.

Its no surprise that the one main character trait all cheaters have in common is selfishness which is why they have to work on this as part of the recovery process if they are committed to making long lasting changes to their character.

Other "habits" that cheaters may also indulge in also include use of porn and heavy drinking - and if these are linked to their infidelity, again these would need to be addressed.

OP - did you both read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends?

MissScatterbrain..yes both read Just Good Friends and found it very insightful and helpful.

I think the low level selfishness may be right - although, he has always been very fair and kind and considerate in so many ways. - his father was a complete shit to his mum, so he' s always been very aware of that (haha) ...though both had infidelities.

I do however, think I may have identified a sort of recklessness which, I would find attractive - it's not pronounced or extreme by any means, but we are both risk takers (in a minor sort of way I think?) and I wonder if this has fed it...I would seek to take risks in other ways.

Don't think heavy drinking or porn use are issues (well def. not heavy drinking).

I know it sounds a bit 'smug' but up until that point, we'd been best friends, had worked together successfully for 10 years and loved every minute of it..our friends would often comment how we must got on really well to be able to do that and socialise and bring up kids together, etc. It was once he'd taken a new job (where I wasn't involved) that it all went tits up! Business was hard, he 'came to the rescue' and got his new job and ego stroked by OW/new experiences. I can sort of see WHY it happened, but don't understand HOW he could do it to me

Does it not make you feel more distrustful in the fact everything was perfect prior to the affair, if there were no warning signs, what's to stop it happening again....?

I could possibly understand an initial ego boost for him under the given circs but for it to last a year, that would involve more than an ego boost. I take it with her being in Oz they never saw much of each other, how serious was it? Sorry you probably don't want this raking up again.

Foxy - your story is very familiar, best friends, long marriage etc. It is such a shock to realise that these are no barriers to infidelity.

I think the reason/s why he chose to do it to YOU is/are linked to his issues and traits. Also as Glass says, its so easy to slip down the slippery slope into an affair especially if your boundaries have become weak.

The risk taking trait is a possible link as it could weaken one's boundaries of what behaviour is acceptable. I would also look at selfishness and his porn use as possible links (particularly if the porn use has impacted the way he views women/sex and/or meant he has got into the habit of being secretive).

Hi Foxy

You were very helpful to me a few weeks ago, and I've been wondering about you since (I had a look at some of your earlier threads as you suggested I should). Is your DH still going to have to attend the work function with the OW - it was sometime in February I recall? Are you feeling especially worried now about the future because of that?

I'm several months behind you in the process, so can't offer any useful insights. I have chosen to go down a completely different path to the MN/ Not Just Friends recommended one and so far it has paid off for me, but I have been very lucky I think.

I sent a vitriolic email to the OW (whom I had only met once, briefly) not really expecting a response, but it was cathartic to send it anyway. To my astonishment she replied at great length, very apologetic and self-effacing. She explained how it had been from her perspective (at the beginning my DH had hidden the fact he was married and by the time she realised she was already hooked). I began to stop hating her. Despite the fact that she is very much younger she is emotionally and intellectually quite grown up. We exchanged numerous emails and then met up. We were both shaking with nerves but it turned out to be a rather revelatory and surprisingly entertaining evening. She too thinks that their affair was a "one off" for DH and doesn't think he'll do it again, which is reassuring. DH has known that he can't evade or minimise as OW will tell me if he does. Last weekend we all had dinner together which was fine (for various reasons DH and OW can't completely cut all contact and we are all keen to try to "normalise" things). I am now confident that even if DH was tempted to restart things with her (and I do trust him not to), she would not entertain it, mainly for my sake: I have become a real person to her.

I wonder whether, as you have received an apology from OW, you might engage with her further to create an additional barrier to anything restarting. But that might be adding fuel to the fire and raise the adrenaline levels again. Not much help, but a different perspective maybe?

Sorry, didn't mean to post and run...just got back. Jan45...would never say it was perfect, but it was very good. We have always been 'best friends'....maybe we slipped into that role too far (sex was less) but we've always been communicative, and have enjoyed each others company. But def. not perfect. Because geographically she was so far away, I think that almost made it feel 'okay'..think there was a lot of denial going on initially. They communicated about a shared interest a lot (music) and I think as that can be very powerful in itself, it didn't take much to make it feel as if it had a life of it's own. They then slept together 3 times at work meet ups/events...which are always very much fuelled by booze (no excuse) and being miles away from home. After a bit of email banter just after their first meeting, she told him she couldn't believe 'how much she was into him'..he was very flattered by this (immature) as I guess he hadn't felt that from me for such a long time. I dunno.

MissScatterbrain Yes, to falling down the slippery slope, once they both realised there was a mutual attraction. He said she reminded him of me when we first me - ie. carefree and fun. All the things she could pretend she was when there was so much distance between them. We had got bogged down with home/families/business struggling...she offered escape. But I had no escape. I will explore the reckless/risk taking further. Really don't think there is a porn use issue - if anything he is a bit Guardian reading leftie when it comes to women. But I will ask him about that.

AnonyMuse Thanks for replying. I'm sorry to hear you have been through something similar. It's truly horrible. Yes, you have a good memory...there is a work event abroad coming up soon. He is going to cancel..it was bit of a dealbraker for me to be honest. A week abroad, plied with booze and no responsibilities is just one step too far for me right now. I know he will have to go on one of these conferences and encounter her at some point; but I really feel that was the catalyst.

I did as you did, and went against advice and emailed her in the new year. I just wanted to send her my side of the story, as she has sent emails to DH saying she couldn't move on and was still in love...she was also following him on various music sites, which she denied. She was initially dismissive, but did respond very fully a day later, apologising and trying to justify her actions - telling me she wasn't a bad person, and couldn't believe how my DH had just dumped her 'like a piece of rubbish'. I was not very nice to her, but was measured and felt so much better for it. It was a temporary 'closure' for me. She did end her message saying that she was still in love with him, but asked me to trust her that she would never approach him again, especially as it was clear that he was still in love with me. It was also implied that she had left her DH, and possibly her kids, as he is a stay at home Dad. As if I could ever trust her.

Wow, to you meeting up with OW, I don't think I could do that without committing a terrible crime! I hope you are able to sort out your situation - how did your DH react to your meeting up?

Are you sure booze doesn't play a role in his cheating? You twice have just mentioned drinking as a possible influence

*didn't

Yes, he's not a big drinker ordinarily (could drink him under the table ) but in social situations, when I'm not there, with a bit of female attention, can see he would be flirtatious. He has admitted that in those situations his 'moral compass' is compromised. He has agreed to go tee-total at such events. I think this is a good idea.

DH was OK with us meeting up (not that I'd have paid much attention if he hadn't been). And as I mentioned above the 3 of us actually had dinner together last weekend. And it was fine. OW and I get on well, I can completely see why he fell for her. Completely bonkers and bizarre I know. I don't think I'm an especially jealous person, it was always the lies and deception that hurt far more than the sex or even the fact that he fell in love with her. This makes me sound very superficial, I guess, but I'm not and I do love DH deeply. But our marriage was on the rocks before OW came along and it very much seems not to be now, so in a way I am grateful to her.

A bit like you, the catalyst for all this contact was that DH and OW will be spending a week together at an event in the summer.

It is easier for me as OW has retreated gracefully, she has been honest that she still fancies DH like mad but is not any longer in love with him. She went on a date with someone else last week and DH felt a bit churned up by it. I was actually pleased that he knew a little of what it felt like.

There is a film coming out later in the year called The Other Woman - OW and I are planning to go and see it together! DH is not allowed to come too.

Anon am not sure I'm ready for that film yet...still find triggers left, right and centre. In fact, it's something DH commented on the other evening...everything we watch/read at the moment seems to be people involved in affairs - he said it made him feel very ashamed and clichéd. I couldn't tell him otherwise....

That's exactly what I meant about whether heavy drinking was an issue and it sounds like he has already thought about changing his drinking habits.

Anony - I think this friendship and ongoing contact with OW is playing with fire I really hope you don't end up burnt...

MissS - thanks. You may be correct but my instinct tells me not. And surely if one knows exactly where the OW is coming from, rather than making wild suppositions, that can only be a good thing. Both in terms of understanding how and what happened between them and in predicting the risks for the future.

You are making the classic mistake that understanding OW is key to affair proofing the marriage.

Its HIM who needs to look at and work on his own issues, character traits and boundaries.

Also don't forget that many OWs are friends or relatives of the betrayed spouse...

I think that giving OW too much importance in this is wrong. She has no relevance to your life at all and you should distance yourself from her. Its feeling like you are thinking if you befriend her she would lose her attraction to you H. Be very careful.

Foxy...... My DW wanted me to hate OW but I can't, it used to get her so frustrated that I wouldn't condem her as I feel it was me. She didn't owe my wife I did, the fuck up was mine. I haven't contacted her in years and she has never made contact with me, as I said I had stopped seeing before my wife found out. I wish it hadn't happened as it caused a lot of pain to the people I care about most in the world.

However it forced me to face sever flaws in my character head on and deal with them. I will always have these flaws, they are ingrained but I have tools to deal with them.