So, after Hysterical Bonding, what next?

[FoxyTerrier]

Hi there
Have posted about this before, and really appreciated your help and advice.

DH had a year long, long-distance affair with a work colleague. It was mainly online, but they slept together on 3 occasions, at work events. It caused devastation, but he is full of remorse, has been honest, thoughtful and kind and full of disbelief at his own behaviour since, etc. It has been a very intense 4 months, since finding out. Reading other posts, we seem to be fitting 'the script'...intensity, open communications, lots of sex and physical contact, etc. Alongside rage and anger and tears, on my part anyway.

I now feel things are settling into some sort of 'normality'. I still wake up thinking about it, but I have asked every question possible, raked over every detail, received an apology from OW (and a hundred apologies from DH). I now feel a bit 'what next'. I don't want to enable him to forget, but at the same time, I guess I need to 'leave it' and move on. I guess the adrenaline has stopped pumping so hard, and it's feeling a bit 'cold light of day'...now how does it work?

I wonder if any of you, who have been through the same, could help me shed light on this new phase...what are your experiences? We both really want to make it work, and to continue to have a better and stronger relationship. I think I am worried that once things settle down, maybe he will want to contact OW again for a bit of excitement...he has shown no interest in doing so -that is in my own head. But how do you deal with it?

Thanks in advance.

Foxy: it is interesting that you would probably have said your DH was a "red light" person before the affair. I would definitely have said the same about mine. We went out together for a couple of years in our very early 20s before having many years apart and then getting back together and getting married. The first time around he was abroad for months at a time and I was in a big city for the first time and was not faithful. He was deeply hurt by my infidelity and has always held it aginst me (though I was always adamant that when I got married I would never be unfaithful and indeed I have never even thought of straying since we did). So one of the things that I found most astonishing was that he could be such a terrible hypocrite.

Whatever everyone else says, I think that the characteristics of the OW are relevant to working out where the weakness lies, especially if one doesn't think one's DH is naturally a serial philanderer. In your DH's case it seems to have been that she was very open about how "into" him she was and he found that very alluring despite the OW being no "oil painting". He clearly will have to be particularly on his guard around women like that in the future. In my DH's case it is very different: I don't believe his OW set out to lure him, but she is very much younger and she is very beautiful. It felt wonderful for him to recapture the fun and heady carefree romances of his twenties and to be adored by someone like her.

Bad....
No, I never went to relate. It was never a condition of my wife that I see a councillor, I was trying to make sense of things. I have always seen things different, so did research and found this place. I seen some threads about narcissism, more research. Went to see my GP who referred me to a group, who after a few sessions referred me to a specialist hospital as an outpatient. I had X sessions with a psychotherapist. I told them what I thought I was, she agreed. Some of my traits come in very handy in the job I do. Which is a little surreal.

I seen people as disposable and I had the ability to talk my way out of anything. Looking back I wasn't a nice person at all. It stems back to a horrific childhood, both parents drinking and affairs, I had to look after my brother from a very early age. He is autistic but because of little adult supervision has slipped through the system. This in no way excuses what I did and it is not what I am looking for.

I'm really quite surprised by that madeofstone , as everything I have read, experienced suggests that if you think that your a narcissist then your not .

Bad... I didn't think I was, I thought I was perfectly normal. It wasn't until I started looking into why I thought about things in a certain way that I had a desire to change. As I said this was never driven by my wife, it was not a way to blame my actions, these were mine and mine alone. Someone else's thread is not the place for me to go into details but being honest it is that exciting.

he was able to completely compartmentalise things - he has said this, and I still don't quite understand how this is done.

Think about how the affair was conducted - online and (on a few occasions) far from home.

People still refer to the non-online world as "real life" to distinguish it from what still feels to most of us like a slightly "unreal" life.

Certainly people's behaviour online is different from what it is offline. People do and say things they would not face to face.

Of course, he met her face to face and had a physical relationship with her. But it was always separate. Always part of a "different" life, that was mostly in his head.

I don't understand why husband did not have the same mechanism that made him stop - we have come a long way since my near miss.

A fundamental difference between your "near miss" and his actual affair is that you knew this man in your real life. He was an actual competitor for your (now) DH's affections.

This woman never inhabited the same world as you. And by the time he met her face to face, he was already way over the line that you had refused to cross.

And also, I think the long way you've come since your near miss actually makes it more likely that an affair will happen. Not less.

If someone is cheating before marriage and children, when they have all the time to enjoy together and no stresses and just each other then there is really no good reason to think they should stay together. It tends to be a signal of a lack of enough love and commitment.

But after 15 years and kids and a whole life built together, it is far, FAR easier to take your (now) spouse for granted. To think that the edifice you have built in indestructible and isn't threatened by piffling little online dalliances.

Joinyourplayfellows....yes, interestingly, he thinks it would never happened if she lived, say, in our town, or even in the UK. Complete fantasy I suppose.

Brrrr - some strong ladies on here. This is my worst nightmare!

Oops - didn't realise it was an old thread!

This sounds just like my situation and is scary. We are still together, 5 months down the line and still being physical and both trying hard. We had separate counselling a few months ago but not sure how to move on now really. Highly recommend date nights although sometimes I go off the rails and have such a rage and want him to go/ hurt him but am full of remorse after. Sometimes it doesn't feel as though he chose me over her, it wasn't an option as they both had partners and children , sickeningly. It is more the horrible realisation that I have to try and make him want me more , even though I'm the the victim!!
What is still v difficult is trust and how to cope with that and the minefield of worries about what they might be doing and which bits they are lying about. I find it hard to look at my partner and recognise the person I knew . Part of me wonders whether I want him to stay or I just don't want to be alone...

Foxy terrier... its 2022... how did it end. Did you work it out or did it catch up with you and end.
I hope you are ok ❤