DP has gone to his mums (I think for good)

[WillYouDoTheFandango]

I am completely blindsided. Been together 9y, have a 13mo. I'm blissfully happy. He obviously isn't.

He works 70h a week, his choice as he won't push back against his overtime. I work 4 days and we don't need the extra money. We don't get much time alone together as we have a baby who's quite a poor sleeper, but what we do is companionable, we chat and laugh, we usually end up slumped in front of the telly together, we still have sex around twice a week.

I thought we were doing really well for the baby years but he says it's not enough for him. He was the one who wanted a child, who pushed for more children even and who proposed to me, but he doesn't want any of that now. He says he wants to go to his mums and just stay there. He says the only part of his entire day that's fun is when he plays with DS for an hour each evening.

In short he doesn't know what he wants. He loves me but feels like my best friend not DP.

I know what I want, to be us again, but I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I'd rather he (and I obviously) was happy alone than miserable with me. But I don't think he will be happier alone, I think he's looking for an easy life and doesn't want to have to try. I told him that even if he's alone, he deserves a nice life (he had a shit childhood/adolescence/rest of his life until he was with me). His father's an alcoholic, his mother is adept in the art if emotional blackmail.

He scares easily and tends to run for cover when life gets tough unless I drag him kicking and screaming to sort it. It seems that this time it was too late and there may be nothing left to sort.

It all came out as I'd been sensing he was distancing himself and I've asked until I was blue in the face but he wouldn't discuss it. Now he says he doesn't know if it's too late. He's struggled to adjust to us not having much time together and feels like we're co parents rather than a partnership.

I'm not angry, I'm not hopeless, I'm just sad. I'm mostly sad for him, I think. He really doesn't believe he's worth happiness and he'll just coast through the rest of his life without ever really experiencing it.

It hurts now but I know that whatever happens I'd rather it happened now than him put on an act for 10 more years

If it took 16 months to find a buyer I'd sell now as the last thing you want is to pull out and it not work out with dp and then not be able to sell. You'd feel trapped. However I'd rent together as sounds like his issues may not be sorted by him living apart as that's not the reality of family life. At least then you know you've given it your best shot as a family but by being in rented you're not tied to anything/ lost anything. Think it's really normal for things to change between couples in the first few of years of babies as you don't get as much time on your own and changes the dynamic of your relationship but only you know if it's worth trying to work through it. Having 2 dc has definitely changed mine and dh relationship but know that the baby years are not forever and we just need to make more of an effort for the romantic stuff- hard when you're both tired!!

He didn't leave the baby mishmash he took him, and I demanded him back. I know I am making excuses for him, in truth he's been a gobshite who's fucked up the best thing either if us has ever had and, even if we try again, it's a long way back from this.

That's what I said to him ddas and mamma, the baby years are so short and what's a couple of years if you have the rest of your life to go out/stay in together?

I need to sleep as I'm in agony with my snotty sinuses but I'll update when I have one. Thanks all x

Hope you slept ok and that you feel alright this morning.
Sending you strength. And a hug if you'd like one

take one day at a time. Stay focused and post here if you need support

He took the baby! What was he expecting to claim the child benefit and tax ?

Don't waste you life on some one that is terminally miserable and not happy with his lot! My df is like this and his wife has now gone on antidepressants because he has dragged her down so much.

willyou I think working at it is totally the right thing to do, if that's what you both want you have to both try.

But this is a story about my ex, not your oh. The only similarity being that my ex and his sister were terminal miseries. Whatever they had, whatever people did for them you couldn't make them happy. I really don't think there was anything anyone could do - unless that person was a well trained therapist.
My ex was totally anti adultery (his own father had kicked off the terminal misery by running off with his young secretary and having two more children) and in the end he basically behaved similarly to his father who was the man he hated - but I'm sure also loved- most in the world.

Just a tale about a man I loved and thought I would marry. Now I'm bloody glad I didn't. It fell apart it was messy I was hurt.

Now I have DH who is better than the best man I could have wished for.

You have to do what makes you happiest! X

Mishmash, do read the thread!! He took the baby for one night as the Op was ill and he was giving her a break. He said that it was just for one night, but the OP sensed that he was unhappy and used that as the lever to confront him about his feelings.

So he's decided he doesn't want to be your partner or a full time dad, nice, let him go, take some control of your life, honestly, don't feel sorry for him, he clearly thinks there's a better life elsewhere, and I would seriously wonder if there was an OW in the picture.

If you want this no mark back in your life, you should tell him (and mean it) that it's over between you and as far as you are concerned his navel-gazing misery is dragging you down and you would be better off without him.

See him come running.

Hope you were able to get some sleep willyou

co-signing Mishmash & mamma. I mean, really...running off to mummy's & wanting to stay there? What was wrong with sitting down with you, trying to work things out and make life happen...less working hours, more fun times together, time away together etc. I wonder if that sounds like hard work for him? Sorry youre going through this OP. You sound like the stronger one in this relationship. & so much of what you say sounds as if you feel sorry for him and the life he's had. In my experience you dont get any thanks for trying to make life happen for selfish people who wont motivate themself to cope with life and responsibilities.

Just realised he only went for one night/ The thread title makes things sound different than they are, possibly

Quick update: He came back, we spent more time together as a couple and as a family. But it wasn't enough, he said today that he's still not happy and he's left.

He asked me what I wanted him to do and I told him to go to his mums. I didn't beg, I didn't plead and I only got a tiny bit angry!

I've had two friends around today and then my parents brought me a Chinese takeaway, but now they're all gone, the baby is in bed and it's so quiet. I don't want to go to bed as there's too much room in there but I'm so tired and wrung out.

I don't dare have a drink either to help me sleep as I've not eaten much today. He's already text me saying he really misses me and DS and I don't want to send a drunken reply. Nothing I say will change anything so it's pointless to text him back.

I'm just posting to distract myself and give my hands something to do.

Keep posting OP, don't text him.

Do you think he's attention-seeking? Trying to keep you on your toes? Why else tell you he's unhappy and leaving, only to start texting that he's missing you? Sounds incredibly confusion and unfair.

Oh he's a headfuxk alright. Likes to keep you guessing doesn't he?

*headfuck

Thanks for replying Logg1e.

I don't know where he fucking head is tbh. I am starting to distance myself I think and I feel sad but better than I have all week. He's been progressively weirder and weirder all week and my stomach has been a churny ball of anxiety. I'm now sad but at least I'm not on eggshells waiting for him to dump me.

When we first got together he'd storm off on nights out and tell me he was no good for me, I should move on etc. But that was 10 years ago, we were only 21 and he was always drunk on a night out. I don't feel like this is just for attention, it feels final to me.

Yep Pictish, seems that way. I bollocked him earlier for fucking with my head. Telling me everything was fine/nothing up etc. Gaslighting really, making me feel like I was paranoid.

Well...you're not a plaything. You are a real live person with responsibilities and feelings. What the fuck is wrong with him? If he wants a dancing bear, tell him to go get one and leave you out of it.

"He asked me what I wanted him to do and I told him to go to his mums. I didn't beg, I didn't plead and I only got a tiny bit angry!"

This bit of your post really stands out OP. Why did he ask you what you wanted him to do? If he is the one that is not happy and wants to leave then he shouldn't put the onus on you to tell him what to do. He sounds like a right headfuck alright.

I am sorry this is happening to you, he has put you through hell from the sounds of it. I think you need to put yourself and your DC first and do what is right for you. So far its all been revolving around him.

Exactly Pictish.
The thing is however lonely I feel right now though I imagine it's 10 x worse at his mum's house. That's probably why he text me. His mum works early shifts so will have been in bed since 7pm. They never got on when he lived there as she's quite PA and they both like to sulk.

I have DS here too, he's asked for him 9:45-5 tomorrow. Not. going. to. happen.

I don't know Botanic actually. He had made his mind up it wasn't working and he didn't want to be here. Last time he planned on going back to his mum's, so why ask? He wanted to leave and come back tonight for his bag. I made him pack it there and then. I'm not playing that game. He returns home to the sobbing gf, begging him to come back, bereft without him.

I'm glad you can see through it OP. You are quite right...these are his attention seeking, all about me games.
And he sulks you say.

Call his bluff. Tell him you've had space to think, and you don't want him back. Say he's right, it isn't working, and you're making this time count. The split is permanent.

We've sold the house as I mention above. I wouldn't have him back here. I'll be finding somewhere that just DS and I could live.

If he wanted to go out somewhere and talk I would hear him out. But on my terms and not unless I thought something had actually changed.

As it stands I'm happy enough alone, the worst bit is the thought of not seeing my gorgeous baby everyday.

You are tired, that big bed is not empty, it is full of space for you to get a good night's sleep. Sending warm wishes.

yes he's playing games alright. def do what pictish said above. that'll soon make him realise he can't dangle you on a string. no wonder you've been churned up all week. him texting you from his mums is all about him. hope you get a good night's sleep & remember you will come through this.