Is it me, him, us, or just life?

[DuskAndShiver]

I am not well today and pretty run down in general and feeling absolutely devastated about the state of my relationship, or non-relationship, with dp.
A few things have thrown his lack of interest in me into stark relief recently.
today he is so cold to me. I begged him to take the children this morning to let me lie in, I am trembling and feverish. He did, but at 9 after I had been with them since 7.30 and only because I begged him to. His response to this was very cold. No sympathy at all. but he did agree to look after them.
I always get up at the weekends. I leave in the week before he gets up and he has to do all the child stuff on his own. I think he feels like a martyr because of this even though the reason why I am not helping is because I am physically not able to be there and he has already had an extra half hour's sleep. for some reason this means he never gets up when the kids wake on Saturday and Sunday.

Anyway he hasn't asked how I am or even actually really looked me in the eye.
I don't have anyone to talk to and overthink a lot.
today I was thinking that maybe that is just how we are, how he is. he doesn't have to be all hearts and flowers all the time.
but as soon as I got up and saw him I just felt hollow and awful. the lack of respect, affection, anything, acknowledgment, anything, it is really wearing me down. "Oh you're up!" with a smile - anything - even if followed by "Oh good you can give me a hand with...."

I am feeling awful so I am losing all perspective. I want to leave him right now. Some days I hate him.

we do not sleep together. He doesn't talk to me much. usually he doesn't answer if I send him emails during the day from work. When I get home from work he is bathing the kids and I say hello to them and have to dance about in his face, practically, to get his attention to say hello to me

I think a lot of this is just how he is; a lot of it is that he resents me for working long hours and he thinks he has a hard life with so much of the childcare (I do not have a choice with work, I get home the second I can and even still I work hours after dcs' bathtime, at home); some of this is surely down to how I am , but I don't know what or how to change

feeling utterly shit about everything right now. Old and tired and desperate. Wondering what can be done. honestly I think nothing. I can't imagine ever having fun again

what is normal?

we have been together 10 years this spring. I was so happy when I met him and then later he laughed at me so often about things I said and did on our first dates that I can't even look happily back at that time, I just feel like a dickhead

Dusk, I'm breaking up with DP tmrw for similar feelings. People at work have made me remember what it's like to have someone smile when you talk to them.

Is there anyone you can talk to? I made the first baby step of admitting to my boss how unhappy I was. He encouraged me to believe that my life could be better. I was worried about how much it would hurt DD to split up, but I took the next step of talking to her dad who told me the same thing and offered his support. I then spoke to my mom, who I thought would be angry with me for fucking up again. But she only wants me to be happy too.

There will be people who love you and want you to be happy. They will give you support. I was highly embarrassed to have to admit to XDH how unhappy I was, but he's been amazing.

I'm looking forward to a peaceful life, without this presence radiating dislike and making me afraid. Good luck, whatever you choose to do xx

Hi. What a muddle. If you do what you e always done you will get what you have always got.

I think you really need to see your gp incase you have depression. Also you need to start taking responsibility for your own unhappiness. You do not just have to accept it, you are choosing to. Now you say you can't speak to your dh, actually you can talk to him and he will hear you. He might not talk back.

Also if you wanted to leave him the transition is never easy or nice. It's hard, draining and scary. But if you want your life to change then you need to do it yourself.

Re the lie in. Well I think yous deserve one each.

Also please see that your relationship with your husband is what sets the benchmark to your children about what a relationship is/should be like and it's likely they will have a similar situation when they're older. Your example is the one they follow. This is why it is good to show them when life throws up problems, there are ways to solve the problems.

Re tiredness. I know it kills but it's not forever. It's right that both of you guys have the chance to refresh your sleep.

Your job, that you do from home because there's no one else to do it. Hmmmm yes there is other people to do it. You have a boss so let it be there problem. Are you getting paid extra or something? If not you need to prioritise (if poss) your home life just now. It seems the work/life thingy is right out of balance. You are struggling just now and something needs to give. I'm not saying quit but do try to make changes!

Hi Quitelikely and everyone

I know the work thing is ridiculous. I can't see what to do about it but it is not fair on my family that I have nothing left for them. This is a large part of this.

Horrible conversation with dp this morning when I cried again because he said "how are you?" and I said "not well, very chesty and dizzy" and he said nothing. Just nothing. I cried because he didn't say "oh dear". he didn't have to say "poor you" or "oh my darling precious how can my beloved flower be so delicate?" But just nothing, again, was hard. So I cried, so we had a fight where I accused him of thinking he is perfect and not listening to anyone. so now the girls are wondering what is going on and I am in floods of tears again.

I have to go out, i have to get to church. Still in PJs and tear stained though

I wasted so much time by pouring hot water into the kilner jar of coffee instead of the cafetiere and then having to sort that out, I also wasted 10 mins this morning cleaning up a broken bottle of nail varnish that jumped out of the cupboard in the bathroom. now I am just sitting here in my PJs making myself late

"start taking responsibility for your own unhappiness. You do not just have to accept it, you are choosing to. "

this is what I struggle with. I have no bench mark at all to make judgements about this. when I was younger I was desperately unhappy to the point of self harm (before it was a thing) and suicidal thoughts, but whenever I tried to make changes nothing was allowed. It was clear that there was a whole list of priorities of things that were more important than the trivial business of being happy. could have this, couldn't do that, couldn't take a break from this, couldn't go there, couldn't change a single fucking thing. nothing was allowed. I feel like I have internalised this thing of believing that things can't be changed and you just get on with it, or not

so i have no way of telling what is reasonable. a bit of work outside core hours - everyone does it. not hearts and flowers in a 10 year relationship - pretty normal. I feel like I am just being weak for not coping. the changes I would need to make are so drastic and I don't know that they are justified, plus have I ever been happy anyway? Am I just a broken crappy person who couldn't be happy as a child and will never be happy no matter what? So why inflict upheaval on the people around me?

Be kind to yourself. Do you have to go to church? Maybe just stay home instead. And you said, he did ask you how you are, which is a start ?

Good luck to you too Nanetta, thinking of you as well today x

Hope it's good to see people at church Dusk

Dusk no you are not a crappy broken person who will never be happy. You are a person in a crappy broken situation.

When you are so tired and down it's very very hard to see a way forward.

I was like you. Everything from the work, no time, no money, work, no time, neglecting health, work, no time, no me....a right old pressure cooker of depression and misery. I honestly thought I'd never be happy.

A friend took her own life leaving behind two children. Everyone reacted in horror at how could a mother do this???? I knew how.

It was that moment of recognising how low I'd slid, that changed my life. Slow changes, no miracle but it was the start of my climb out. If you'd said to me then what changes would happen in my life I would never ever have believed you. It can happen dusk. It can.

Small changes to start with. Get some decent counselling. No crappy silly boys. Find a woman who's lived life. Find time for you. Start a fitness programme....no excuses. Do it. Small plans of walking or the couch to 5k programme.

Two things and neither has to happen this week but every week make one step towards making them happen whether it's planning, buying training shoes or finding a women's running group who can nurture you. Be selfish because your kids need you to be

It sounds as though you saw a pwp, a low intensity CBT worker. Very limited training and experience. Unfortunately all that is usually available on the NHS though. Go and see someone else, an experienced therapist who is accredited with a body such as BACP or UKCP. You'll have to pay just it'll be worth it to get your self worth and life back.

You sound both depressed and worn down by life. I suggest you go to the GP as anti depressants may be helpful in starting to break the cycle. Have you thought of going to Relate for counselling? You don't have to go with your partner ( sounds like he probably wouldn't go anyway) but it could be useful for you to go and offload and get some perspective and support. I went last year on my own and the counsellor was experienced and wise. I do hope things get better for you but the only one who can change things is you. I can relate to what you are saying about feeling you can't change anything and just have to put up with stuff and get on with it. It's a hard mindset to change but it can be done. Life's too short to be lived in misery. Don't waste it and remember you are a valuable worthwhile loveable person. Hugs to you.

I thought Quitelikely's post was one of the best replies I've read on MN for a while.

I second the advice to get to a GP and start to change things - counselling and/or medication. You don't have to live like this, but only you can change things.

Dusk I feel very sorry for you and hear you about not knowing what normal is. Ignoring you is not ok, ignoring you when you are ill is not ok, physically pushing you is definitely not ok. The pushing is the most obviously wrong, but the relentless emotional weariness of not feeling loved and supported can be worse imo. I am hesitating to say ltb because it does sound like you are both in really tough circumstances with children and work and it is possible that he's behaving like this due to feeling totally drained also (though the pushing makes me doubt it).

What you say about the coffee jar also sounds like depression to me - I clearly remember not being able to cope w minor day to day problems as a feature of it for me. I think you should see your GP and sort out Ads and/or counselling (better counselling - that guy sounds like a joke/jerk) which hopefully will give you the lift to figure out what you need to do. You deserve to be loved, and you can be loved. If it becomes clear to you that you will never get this from your h you need to leave.

For the record it sounds like there were very important ways in which your family absolutely did not look after you.

Is there anyone at church you could talk to about all this?

Also you should definitely be getting one of the lie ins at the weekend.

Hello
thank you to all of you who took the time and read and post such thoughtful replies.

Feeling better today after a nice afternoon and evening en famille with MIL.
Lots to work on but everything seems less bleak.