Is it me, him, us, or just life?

[DuskAndShiver]

I am not well today and pretty run down in general and feeling absolutely devastated about the state of my relationship, or non-relationship, with dp.
A few things have thrown his lack of interest in me into stark relief recently.
today he is so cold to me. I begged him to take the children this morning to let me lie in, I am trembling and feverish. He did, but at 9 after I had been with them since 7.30 and only because I begged him to. His response to this was very cold. No sympathy at all. but he did agree to look after them.
I always get up at the weekends. I leave in the week before he gets up and he has to do all the child stuff on his own. I think he feels like a martyr because of this even though the reason why I am not helping is because I am physically not able to be there and he has already had an extra half hour's sleep. for some reason this means he never gets up when the kids wake on Saturday and Sunday.

Anyway he hasn't asked how I am or even actually really looked me in the eye.
I don't have anyone to talk to and overthink a lot.
today I was thinking that maybe that is just how we are, how he is. he doesn't have to be all hearts and flowers all the time.
but as soon as I got up and saw him I just felt hollow and awful. the lack of respect, affection, anything, acknowledgment, anything, it is really wearing me down. "Oh you're up!" with a smile - anything - even if followed by "Oh good you can give me a hand with...."

I am feeling awful so I am losing all perspective. I want to leave him right now. Some days I hate him.

we do not sleep together. He doesn't talk to me much. usually he doesn't answer if I send him emails during the day from work. When I get home from work he is bathing the kids and I say hello to them and have to dance about in his face, practically, to get his attention to say hello to me

I think a lot of this is just how he is; a lot of it is that he resents me for working long hours and he thinks he has a hard life with so much of the childcare (I do not have a choice with work, I get home the second I can and even still I work hours after dcs' bathtime, at home); some of this is surely down to how I am , but I don't know what or how to change

feeling utterly shit about everything right now. Old and tired and desperate. Wondering what can be done. honestly I think nothing. I can't imagine ever having fun again

what is normal?

we have been together 10 years this spring. I was so happy when I met him and then later he laughed at me so often about things I said and did on our first dates that I can't even look happily back at that time, I just feel like a dickhead

I mean I'm not going to meet anyone else, am I. Not that I want to. I never want to go near any sort of romantic thing of any kind ever again

Yes....you will have all the shitty side of life to deal with. But I can't tell you how much easier it is when you're not being upset and dragged down. You said today, u got yourself up to start the day and went back to bed when you were ignored. That's a good example...

I don't think it's going to be easy. But surely it couldn't be any harder?

I don't know, that is why I am asking these questions about what the problem actually is. I really don't know.
I feel really sad sometimes when I imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship that has affection in it. I was on the train the other day before it left the station and the woman opposite was waving out the window, her face was absolutely lit up, and her husband got on and sat next to her, it seemed they hadn't known they would get the same train or that they would find each other and they were both so, so pleased and they held hands and talked all the way. My BIL sometimes paints pictures of my sister or writes poems about her. Thinking about what life could be like if you had someone behind you who loved you can be so sad. thinking how different it would have been when I was 5000 miles away from home and wretchedly abjectly ill, how different it would have been if I had thought someone was rooting for me. But leaving my partner isn't going to make any of that happen. I am just still going to be shitty stupid me. I haven't been loved before so it's not going to happen now I am not even pretty any more.

There are changes that need to be made

I wonder if he feels that he has to work AND get the kids up ready for the CM and then sort them out in the evenings too? I'd swap an early commute, reading on the train for that any day actually. But like you say - what you gonna do? Could you work closer to home? reduce your hours so that the childcare is split more fairly? If those things aren't feasible then he has to suck it up, like many other people have to do.

Is he happy in his work? is he depressed? does he feel the same way you do?

I actually think he sounds like a pig but i am trying to see it from his point of view - because simply agreeing with you isn't helpful.

It sounds like there is alot of resentment on both sides - he resents having the lion's share of the childcare on top of working, you resent working long hours and are feeling excluded. Neither of these things are either of your faults but you both seem to be feeling like they are.

Are there practical changes that can be made or do you think you have passed that point? i could not cope with not being spoken to, it would be the straw the broke the camels back more than the pushing around (but that would also be a deal breaker too). It IS emotional cruelty.

I think you need to force the situation, have THE talk - tell him this cannot continue, that he needs to tell you why he is behaving like he is - if he can't do that, well then he doesn't feel he is doing anything wrong and could potentially be just a cunt, but if he is willing to tell you what his problems are, its a start. Equally, he has to listen to yours. This would, i imagine, be a difficult conversation to have so if you can do this while the children are elsewhere, then that would be better. Even in a public place. If he is wiling to have this conversation and take part in it - you have a start, if not, then sadly, i think your decision is made.

Sorry, just seen your post that you're finding my contributions unhelpful.

All the very best OP, I do hope things get better for you very soon.

I don't see any reason why you are staying with you - he is physically and emotionally abusive, and he treats you with utter contempt. Please find a way to not be with him anymore. Women's Aid can and will help and advise you. Don't you and your children deserve that?

sorry, staying with HIM not you!

Also, it is very easy to look at other people and see lovely romantic relationships - how do you know that couple hadn't only been together a short time? or that they weren't married, just to other people........

I would vomit if my DP started writing poetry about me but i do expect a conversation and some cuddles in bed.

You say you don't sleep together any more, is that you don't sleep in the same bed or you don't have sex? Sex is the cement that holds me and DP together - its so so important, because when our lives are mundane and repetitive and we feel like we don't have much time for each other, a bit of sex always makes me feel closer to dp.

But you know what - having kids is bloody hard work, having kids and working full time, both of you - i can't imagine, i'd break - so please don't write off your relationship because its boring, repetitive and in a rut.
But do walk away from someone who is emotionally and physically abusive. Only you will truly know which one of those situations applies here.

I don't have a solution for you, dusk but

((((dusk)))

At the very least, get some counselling, for you - it sounds like your self esteem is on the floor :(

It was clear from the very first post that this man treats you like shit And it is not your fault.

You were Ill you begged for help with the kids, he couldn't be arsed. You haven't felt loved for years. I'm sorry for you op. I would make plans to separate.

I did have some counselling, through a charity, but it was not helpful, and the business of getting there just made everything worse. It was after work on a Thursday so it was one evening I didn't get home for the dcs at all. And I was always cold and hungry and waiting at train stations and so it was exhausting, not in the content, which was superficial and pointless, but in the physical reality of trying to fit it in.

I have given up really. I don't think there is any help for me. I tried really hard to get treated for depression before and after I had dd2 and the failure of it all really sort of knocked the hope out of me. I had a lovely HV for a while and having someone to talk to now and then was lovely. but she was so clever and kind, she was one in a million

I was you 6 years ago. I had absolutely no clue who I was anymore. I thought this was it. I looked at people the same way that you did that couple on the train.
I honestly can say I have no idea where I'd be now if exdp hadn't gone to work away from home for long periods.
The poster that said don't underestimate the feeling of not being bogged down by someone else.
When he was away I was on my own with 2 small dc and a job and house to sort out. You know the reason i left? Because doing it all on my own was a hundred times easier than doing it with someone physically there but emotionally not.

When we split I was utterly lost. I had no idea who I was anymore or what I enjoyed doing even what I found funny anymore.
I am 6 years down the line. I believe in myself now. I know who I am and have found I actually quite like myself. I've finally found comfort in my own skin. I have met someone who is not my dc's dad but is an amazing example to them. An awesome support to me. Loves me, has my back and will happily hold my hair if I'm sick.

I know exactly how you are feeling right now and I do reckon one day you will find it in yourself to leave and when you do yes it'll be bloody hard at first but I promise it'll be no time at all before you start wondering why you stayed so long and put up with it all.

He could be arsed, he did look after the kids for the morning (after a fashion, they watched a film)
this is what is so infuriating - that this is now going to Count Against Me as another example of his heroism, but it is so unwilling and half arsed that while I am glad I was able to rest between 9 and 2 (having got up to them at 7.30) overall I feel worse because of the tension and his annoyance. He could have put in exactly the same amount of actual physical effort but made me feel really supported by saying something nice and not behaving as if he has been bullied into it by his whining no-use partner

DuskandShiver,

This is not normal at all, this is both dysfunctional and abusive. Its a terrible relationship for your children to be witnessing; they are learning from the two of you here as to how relationships are conducted or in this case how one person has systematically abused another. You want your children to learn how to be abused or even become abusers themselves?. You are showing them currently that on some level this ill treatment of you is acceptable to you.

What do you get from this relationship now?.

You've already had two relationships in which men have treated you badly, this relationship is yet another. He may be a different grade of abuser but your boundaries were skewed by the first two relationships and the same relationship errors again were made.

I was going to ask you what you learnt about relationships when growing up because I would put money on it that you learnt a lot of crap from your parents which seriously needs unlearning.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not and they will not thank you for staying with such a man who treats their mother with sheer contempt, contempt that she thinks wrongly that she deserves.

Womens Aid can and help you get out if you really do want to leave this man. They can talk to you about your options going forward but you need to be brave and call them which is the first and often the most hardest of steps, they cannot help you if you do not talk to them.

but they are his children - why does he make you feel he is doing you a favour by taking care of them.

Could you afford for one of you two to go part time? Both partners working long hours with young children is really tough.

I mean between 9 and 12.
I am not ready to throw in the towel, apart from anything else the dcs would be unbearably sad
I see things differently now. But not enough to actually change anything. I see this as an episode in a series of me not working to get my needs or desires met. In a way that could be different if I had the will and the energy and the confidence to manage things differently. But the thing is I don't have the will or the energy or the confidence. I am not someone who can get a job anywhere they want, who can effortlessly manage moving house, or pay someone else to do it, I am not a person people want to be with, or do things for, I am not a person who has options

I think you are confusing the working hours issue with the appalling way he treats you. Working less hours is not going to make him treat you any better.

Don't you think seeing their father treat you like crap will make them unbearably sad and damage their own views of how a normal relationship should function?

If you have truly given up (and I refuse to believe that because you have posted here in the first place) then he has won.

He's done a right number on you hasn't he?. My guess too is that you are now a shadow of yourself ten years ago, he's done that to you - all of it. The only good that ever came out of this dysfunction is your children.

You and he should not be together end of. Its not working and it has not worked for some considerable time. He is the root cause of your unhappiness, you need to break free of him.

Oh Dusk, i wish i could help :( It sounds like you could do with talking to your GP. I think you are in a bit of a low place just now and it is clouding your judgement of what is going on between you and your DH. I can't decide if he is being a bastard or feels equally as knackered and depressed as you do - having suffered from depression myself i can identify with the withdrawal.

If this were me, one of the things i would be considering is reducing the pressure on MYSELF and looking for work closer to home. Is that a possibility?

A lot of it may be the wearisomness of life, especially raising young children and balancing home life with work. But I worry that he is sometimes emotionally abusive to you (or at least so often emotionally unavailablle) and for example teasing you about early dates so you say you can no longer look back even on those times happily. I'm so sorry. It's so painful when you begin to doubt your partner's intention to make you happy.
I do sympathise as sometimes I feel a bit the same. I also find it hard to get DH to talk anything over, consider options, or make plans.
So, just sending my sympathy tonight really. Sorry, few answers. But I'm sure I'll be saying the same as others if I say that fundamentally you shouldn't settle for unhappy.

Urgh - read the whole thread now, scrap working part time, just get out.

"I am not ready to throw in the towel, apart from anything else the dcs
would be unbearably sad"

There is nothing left to save here, you are basically clinging to the wreckage.

Your DC frankly are sad now - and confused - and perhaps even wondering if their mum and dad (mainly dad) is at their mother's throat because of them. Children do often blame themselves for their parents relationship problems. They see him abusing you and learn from that as well.

"I see things differently now. But not enough to actually change anything. I see this as an episode in a series of me not working to get my needs or desires met. In a way that could be different if I had the will and the energy and the confidence to manage things differently. But the thing is I don't have the will or the energy or the confidence. I am not someone who can get a job anywhere they want, who can effortlessly manage moving house, or pay someone else to do it, I am not a person people want to be with, or do things for, I am not a person who has options"

You are so wrong. There are options out there and you can escape him.

You DO have options; you are simply choosing not to exercise them. Honestly at present quite apart from him and he has done this to you, you are your own worst enemy. Stop self sabotaging and trashing your own self for a start. He's already done that by sapping all your confidence and you do not have to add to that.

If a friend was telling you all this, what would you advise?.