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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me, him, us, or just life?

112 replies

DuskAndShiver · 01/02/2014 15:57

I am not well today and pretty run down in general and feeling absolutely devastated about the state of my relationship, or non-relationship, with dp.
A few things have thrown his lack of interest in me into stark relief recently.
today he is so cold to me. I begged him to take the children this morning to let me lie in, I am trembling and feverish. He did, but at 9 after I had been with them since 7.30 and only because I begged him to. His response to this was very cold. No sympathy at all. but he did agree to look after them.
I always get up at the weekends. I leave in the week before he gets up and he has to do all the child stuff on his own. I think he feels like a martyr because of this even though the reason why I am not helping is because I am physically not able to be there and he has already had an extra half hour's sleep. for some reason this means he never gets up when the kids wake on Saturday and Sunday.

Anyway he hasn't asked how I am or even actually really looked me in the eye.
I don't have anyone to talk to and overthink a lot.
today I was thinking that maybe that is just how we are, how he is. he doesn't have to be all hearts and flowers all the time.
but as soon as I got up and saw him I just felt hollow and awful. the lack of respect, affection, anything, acknowledgment, anything, it is really wearing me down. "Oh you're up!" with a smile - anything - even if followed by "Oh good you can give me a hand with...."

I am feeling awful so I am losing all perspective. I want to leave him right now. Some days I hate him.

we do not sleep together. He doesn't talk to me much. usually he doesn't answer if I send him emails during the day from work. When I get home from work he is bathing the kids and I say hello to them and have to dance about in his face, practically, to get his attention to say hello to me

I think a lot of this is just how he is; a lot of it is that he resents me for working long hours and he thinks he has a hard life with so much of the childcare (I do not have a choice with work, I get home the second I can and even still I work hours after dcs' bathtime, at home); some of this is surely down to how I am , but I don't know what or how to change

feeling utterly shit about everything right now. Old and tired and desperate. Wondering what can be done. honestly I think nothing. I can't imagine ever having fun again

what is normal?

we have been together 10 years this spring. I was so happy when I met him and then later he laughed at me so often about things I said and did on our first dates that I can't even look happily back at that time, I just feel like a dickhead

OP posts:
Original poster
DuskAndShiver · 01/02/2014 17:58

he has just come to ask me if I want anything to eat, he is giving the children tea. I can't face going down and I am really regretting wasting my weekend, and my precious time with the dcs, but I can't stop crying

OP posts:
justdrankacappuccino · 01/02/2014 17:58

Sorry, that is just negative talk and while you carry on in the vein living with that man nothing is going to change. In fact, it will probably get worse. As they say, if you want the same result keep doing the same thing.

You need to change and it's very clear to me that you need to separate. Yes, life is hard as a single mother but surely it can be no harder that what you're currently experiencing.

Viviennemary · 01/02/2014 17:59

Both of you sound really unhappy and fed up. Can anything be changed to make life a bit easier. I think some men just don't get having a discussion. If you can't see a way forward are you considering splitting up?

LEMmingaround · 01/02/2014 18:01

He came to ask you if you wanted something to eat - thats a round about invitation for you to come down and join the family. Can you do that do you think? Just to see the kids? Are you feeling better physically?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 01/02/2014 18:01

I feel for you op Thanks

He is not a loving partner. He sounds horrible. You don't need to do anything right now, but I think it's time you considered that leaving is a possibility.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2014 18:02

Now he is in the "nice" part of the abuse cycle by carrying on as if nothing has happened. He'll be so called nice until he finds another reason to kick off and that will happen surely as night follows day.

Small wonder you cannot stop crying. I would stop crying and start planning your exit from this. He will kill you in the end, he's doing a grand job of destroying you emotionally now and has broken you down piece by piece.

mammadiggingdeep · 01/02/2014 18:04

This is a case of you not being able to see the wood for the trees. Is he making you unhappy? Or are you making him miserable and in turn that makes you miserable? I've been where you are. You need time and space to see the whole picture again.

I can remember sitting in the car in tesco car park. A couple walked past with their kids...the man touched the back of the woman's neck, like a stroke. I sat their thinking about it for about an hour- wishing somebody wanted to touch my neck as they crossed a car park....the way you're feeling is usual when you feel starved of love. You are lovable.

Original poster
DuskAndShiver · 01/02/2014 18:19

Thanks
Not sure how I feel about everything now. can't get the chicken and egg straight in my head
thanks for letting me talk though

OP posts:
CuntyBunty · 01/02/2014 18:19

Dusk, you sound knackered. This situation sounds like it is killing you too Sad. I think you need to take a day off on Monday, maybe two days off, so you can think things through when you are not as exhausted and vulnerable. We could go through all sorts of potential outcomes for you, what you could do, opportunities etc, should you make a decision.

I hope you feel better soon and can do some cold hard thinking. I want you to do something nice for you, that will benefit you.

Original poster
DuskAndShiver · 01/02/2014 18:27

I can't take any time off. Next week I have to go to hospital on Thursday and I am not sure if I can work on Friday. I can't take any more time off as the workd is just crazy. there is no one but me to do it which is why I have to work evenings etc.
Cunty thanks for saying that. I really am so confused about what the problem is be cause I am just so tired and ill and mixed up I can't tell what is what.
I had an awful dream this morning after I went back to sleep that dd2 fell in a hole and drowned (I think), there was a small space between boards that was big enough for her to fall through but too small for me to fish her out... it was unbearable. It made me feel terrible and I think maybe this dream or my being unable to get over it means I am getting ill, relaly ill, again

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 01/02/2014 18:29

I agree...ring in sick for a few days. It won't harm anyone and you can have some time just you and your thoughts.

MN is here for you and we can keep discussing it until one day you'll know which way you want to go.

X

JugglingFromHereToThere · 01/02/2014 18:38

Yes, you mustn't forget that you're not feeling well. Be kind to yourself.
Maybe put bigger questions on the back burner just for a bit until you feel better? But don't forget about them. Not surprising that DH not stepping up to help and show some care when you were feeling ill has brought lots of things up for you, but possibly better to look at all your options when you're feeling a bit stronger? xx Thanks Brew - some spring flowers and a nice cuppa for you from us

yourehavingalaugh · 01/02/2014 18:55

I have been where you are - working long hours while partner did childcare till I got home - and exactly like you, we were both resentful of each other. Sorry to say, we split over it.

I honestly believe if we had had a more conventional set
-up re. work abs childcare, we could still be together.

If you could reorganise things do you think there is a chance of salvaging your marriage? I'm not sure from what you say and, of course, only you know that.

beingacow · 01/02/2014 19:03

Inability to show empathy to a partner who is unwell is a massive red flag. If someone you loved was ill, you'd go out of your way to put them at their ease. Someone who takes advantage of an unwell partner and treats them like crap when they are vulnerable is nasty and unloving.
No relationship that involves abuse and contempt is ever worth staying in. You are absolutely worth having your opinions heard, and you are worth love, even if that love comes from yourself. Anything is better than being with someone who withholds affection and can't be there for you when you need them.

theghostinthewashingmachine · 01/02/2014 19:49

Where's your family in all this dusk? Do you get any support from your sister?

And when you say you failed to get your depression treated, what do you mean exactly? What you are saying about lack of will and confidence and energy sounds very like depression to me.

Original poster
DuskAndShiver · 01/02/2014 20:14

none of my family are near. I do not confide in them as I had a lot of emotional / social problems when I was a child / teenager and had no help then. I do not expect them to understand my problems, or even expect to be allowed to tell them that I have any, and in fact, although I was treated well in all the important ways, I have recently come to ascribe my terrible judgement in relationships to being emotionally invalidated as a child. with a lot of blamey "offer it up" style religion too.
My sister knows a bit about some of this but is very busy and stressed herself.

I mean that I had this awful kind of cbt-lite thing from a 20 year old man who had no idea what life is like with a newborn and caused more problems than it solved and I dropped it, actually we moved house and I would no longer have attended anyway. The first time I cancelled it was before the second appointment when at the first I was told I wasn't allowed to bring my baby. I couldn't think how to leave an ebf baby and anyway didn't have anyone I was happy to leave her with so although I accepted it at the time I emailed later and said it was impossible so I was dropping the treatment. then i got a reply saying he had talked to his boss and I would be allowed to bring the (silent, invisible-in-a-sling) baby. So I tried the second appointment and found myself hearing, as the mother of an 8 week old, "Well you might think you are tired but sometimes we don't need as much sleep as you think. have you considered that you might be sleeping too much?" ok not all young men know a lot about babies but really being referred to someone like this by the perinatal team was very galling.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuskAndShiver · 01/02/2014 20:17

But you see all this sort of thing is why I am asking questions about what the real issues are. I know I have MH issues that come and go, although it is hard for me to imagine what it is like without them at times; i have been undepressed at times, but I had problems even as a child so my base case is a bit warped. I know I am hard to live with and I know that my response to the stress and exhaustion of having babies was to withdraw more and more, always seeking sleep. i know that work is crazy busy but I am not happy not working and you can't pick and choose your jobs. I know that p perfect but lords knows neither am I. so it is hard to work out what is what, and what can be done.

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 01/02/2014 20:20

Wondering what qualifications and experience he had Dusk - apart from being a man of course! Ridiculous!
Sorry it didn't offer you the help you needed.

mammadiggingdeep · 01/02/2014 20:23

You sound exhausted and fed up with everything. Is there any chance you can go away for the weekend soon? Just you, think things through, have time to yourself? I know your h might not accept that but if he knew you were this low??

Original poster
DuskAndShiver · 01/02/2014 23:34

Thank you everyone

I think dp thinks we are kind of ok
I think our relationship is a disaster

I think he thinks I have problems but we muddle through ok

Good idea about the weekend away but it doesn't make sense as I spend too much time in my head anyway. Plus imposing on him for more childcare. plus nowhere to go

I think I need to forget about him and work on me. i can try to do some things to get a bit healthier and just park all those issues for now

OP posts:
CuntyBunty · 01/02/2014 23:37

You need more love, Dusk. Give it to yourself for now, maybe try to stay in the hospital when you go on Thursday, see if they'll keep you in until Friday, so you can have a bit of a rest.

Original poster
DuskAndShiver · 01/02/2014 23:44

no, they are removing a little thing under a local so I won't be staying in. Trying to find out if it will be ok to drive... does anyone know if you can drive after something like that? I wouldn't think there would be any reason not to

OP posts:
CuntyBunty · 02/02/2014 00:11

I don't know Dusk. Are you going to have a day off to recover on the Friday?

Original poster
DuskAndShiver · 02/02/2014 00:17

Prob not, I usually work from home on a Friday, I told my boss I wasn't sure how I'd be but there is so much to do I probably have to get on with it

OP posts:
CuntyBunty · 02/02/2014 01:06

Well, I'll say good night for now. Keep posting, let us know how you are.

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