I am not well today and pretty run down in general and feeling absolutely devastated about the state of my relationship, or non-relationship, with dp.
A few things have thrown his lack of interest in me into stark relief recently.
today he is so cold to me. I begged him to take the children this morning to let me lie in, I am trembling and feverish. He did, but at 9 after I had been with them since 7.30 and only because I begged him to. His response to this was very cold. No sympathy at all. but he did agree to look after them.
I always get up at the weekends. I leave in the week before he gets up and he has to do all the child stuff on his own. I think he feels like a martyr because of this even though the reason why I am not helping is because I am physically not able to be there and he has already had an extra half hour's sleep. for some reason this means he never gets up when the kids wake on Saturday and Sunday.
Anyway he hasn't asked how I am or even actually really looked me in the eye.
I don't have anyone to talk to and overthink a lot.
today I was thinking that maybe that is just how we are, how he is. he doesn't have to be all hearts and flowers all the time.
but as soon as I got up and saw him I just felt hollow and awful. the lack of respect, affection, anything, acknowledgment, anything, it is really wearing me down. "Oh you're up!" with a smile - anything - even if followed by "Oh good you can give me a hand with...."
I am feeling awful so I am losing all perspective. I want to leave him right now. Some days I hate him.
we do not sleep together. He doesn't talk to me much. usually he doesn't answer if I send him emails during the day from work. When I get home from work he is bathing the kids and I say hello to them and have to dance about in his face, practically, to get his attention to say hello to me
I think a lot of this is just how he is; a lot of it is that he resents me for working long hours and he thinks he has a hard life with so much of the childcare (I do not have a choice with work, I get home the second I can and even still I work hours after dcs' bathtime, at home); some of this is surely down to how I am , but I don't know what or how to change
feeling utterly shit about everything right now. Old and tired and desperate. Wondering what can be done. honestly I think nothing. I can't imagine ever having fun again
what is normal?
we have been together 10 years this spring. I was so happy when I met him and then later he laughed at me so often about things I said and did on our first dates that I can't even look happily back at that time, I just feel like a dickhead