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Relationships

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Original poster

What are the rules?

66 replies

muchtooshy · 30/01/2014 18:33

About how long it is between meeting someone and it getting physical?

I am kinda inexperienced so I have no clue and I don't know what men expect!

OP posts:

Lweji · 30/01/2014 21:45

It's not the not kissing. It's the whole experienced/not experienced thing.

I see potential red flags.

You should not feel less than him. You should feel confident and at ease.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 30/01/2014 21:48

Or maybe he was being respectful and cautious of frightening her off especially if OP has said to him herself that she was nervous and/or felt inexperienced.

Who really feels confident and at ease on a first date? It's too early to tell motivations like that IMO. Yes if it was a pattern over a longer period of time, it would be a cause for concern. On a first date I think it's perfectly normal for a man to hold back on a kiss especially if he is worried about appearing pushy.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 30/01/2014 21:49

And even more so when it's a stranger date rather than somebody you've known for a while. I think it's appropriate to hold back on kissing someone and in no way implies that you think they are "inexperienced".

neiljames77 · 30/01/2014 21:58

Just because he's older doesn't mean he has loads of experience anyway. He may have had one partner for years and not got up to much. I started seeing an older woman when I was in my late teens and I was looking forward to being taught a thing or two. It turned out that she'd been with the same bloke since she was about 15 and he was a 2 pump charlie who never did anything for her.

Lweji · 30/01/2014 22:06

That's all fine, Bertie, but it's this sentence "I kinda wanted him to kiss me but he didn't cos I think he figured that I do not have experience with men."

I'm just trying to ascertain where this experienced/not experienced came from. If it's muchtooshy's hang ups, or something that she felt from him.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 30/01/2014 22:27

I think it's too early to tell, personally. My take on it is that it's far more likely to be OP's interpretation especially as she says "I think he figured..."

But, who knows. I don't think it's enough of a red flag to run for the hills. Perhaps more of a pale amber ie, keep an eye, if it keeps being an issue then yes you may have an issue, but not worth focusing on especially if you are liable to overthink and it totally totally totally could have been innocent/good intentions/his own first date nerves or anything! I'd have a look at the situation as a whole after another, say, 2-4 dates and see how things are going, and not worry about this for now.

handfulofcottonbuds · 30/01/2014 22:57

I agree with bertie - just enjoy it, you will both be learning together. No matter how experienced someone is, you atill learn with someone new.

Smile, enjoy learning how to flirt and do what you both feel is natural. No rush, no time limits. Enjoy the butterflies! I miss them

When's the next date?

Original poster

muchtooshy · 31/01/2014 16:58

Idid tell him I was nervous before we went out so he knew that.

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 31/01/2014 17:24

When are you seeing him again? Has he been texting etc?

I really wouldn't worry about the not kissing thing on a first date, as you told him how nervous you were he probably didn't want to risk making you feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes it's not worth over analysing and just go with what makes you happy - especially as it was a first date.

I personally don't see any red flags here after one date.

Original poster

muchtooshy · 31/01/2014 17:41

Seeing him tomorrow and texting loads.

Prob is just me as I don't like my body much at all.

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 31/01/2014 20:07

Yay! How exciting

I have a feeling that your confidence will build. What woman likes their body completely anyway?

Just have a nice time and let us know how the kiss goes.

Original poster

muchtooshy · 01/02/2014 09:05

Have never really liked how I look.

Am nervous but don't really notice the age difference apart from with this issue. He has asked me round to his place for a drink

OP posts:

ALittleStranger · 01/02/2014 09:07

Err, so he's invited you around for a shag. Yeah, sounds like he's not too worried about you being inexperienced.

gobbynorthernbird · 01/02/2014 09:13

Second date at his? I wouldn't.

Lweji · 01/02/2014 09:19

Perhaps you should trust your gut feelings. You are nervous. Instead of thinking it's you, why not try to understand what makes you nervous?

For now I'd keep it to public places.

Original poster

muchtooshy · 01/02/2014 09:39

He said it would be easier to go to his first cos he works at my side of town but all the pubs are near where he lives. That way he wouldn't be coming all the way back across town.

Think I am nervous that I will make a prat of myself and cos I don't know what he is thinking.

OP posts:

ALittleStranger · 01/02/2014 09:41

You don't know what he's thinking because you're ignoring the obvious. He's thinking cheap and lazy date swiftly leading to a shag.

And why aren't you wondering if he's going to make a prat of himself?!

That little geographical scenario does not stop you meeting him at a nice pub or restaurant.

Original poster

muchtooshy · 01/02/2014 11:04

Maybe I should suggest meeting him in the pub instead and see what he says.

Really didn't think of it like that!! He has been nice and polite the whole time.

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 01/02/2014 11:12

I would also keep it to public places for now. If he is a 'nice, polite' man, he will understand.

Logg1e · 01/02/2014 11:26

Agreed. Listen to your instincts and don't have the second date at his house. I really don't understand his reasoning for this.

I'd also recommend you look up this book, "The Gift Of Fear" and see if it's something you fancy reading.

Logg1e · 01/02/2014 11:28

Also, don't feel that insisting on this is because of a lack of experience and confidence on your part. I'd expect this because of experience and confidence.

neiljames77 · 01/02/2014 11:30

I know you've wanted to go out with him for a while but I hope you're not just dancing to his tune.
If the worry for you that you want to go to his place for 'drinks', as he suggests, but are bothered that he'll think you're not very good in bed, then I'd put that thought right out of your mind. It would bother him whether it's your first time or if you're a porn star.
If the worry is that you don't feel ready yet to be going round to his place but don't want him to think you're immature and call it off altogether, I'd run that risk. At least it'll let you know what kind of man he is.

Original poster

muchtooshy · 01/02/2014 11:31

The plan was go to his place as he would have just finished work and then go out to a pub nearby.

Will text him when he is on his lunch break about meeting somewhere instead.

OP posts:

Preciousbane · 01/02/2014 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neiljames77 · 01/02/2014 11:42

Fair enough. I didn't know he was just using his place as a meeting point before going out. You're probably best meeting him somewhere nearby instead though.
How did you finally get together btw? Was it done through your friend?

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