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Relationships

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Original poster

Has anyone used a dating site? With any success

49 replies

WTFwasthat · 28/01/2014 07:31

i signed up for match.com last week and have 416 views so far. A few have 'winked' or messaged but nothing has floated my boat so far. Even if they seem attractive looking how are you expected to get any chemistry or feelings going without physically meeting. I wish I hadn't done it. It's not really me and now I feel a bit cheap. Has anyone on RL had any success with these type of sites?

OP posts:

SoHHKB · 28/01/2014 07:37

Yep - I think there are 3 rules:
Be very picky, almost to the point of rudeness
Be very honest (so be sure what you are looking for even if it's just a quick fuck or a bit of company when you're at a loose end )
Meet fairly soon if you think you might like someone
Good luck

akawisey · 28/01/2014 07:39

You don't need to feel cheap if OD isn't for you but maybe you haven't given it enough time yet. I tried it for a while but tbh it wasn't for me.

I realised that a photo and a profile doesn't give you that extra something that seeing the way a man moves, talks, conducts himself are the things which get me going - and a static image just doesn't do it for me no matter how long I gaze at it!

Original poster

WTFwasthat · 28/01/2014 07:47

i think you are both right! I had an online chat with one or two but I need to hear them speak. I have forked out 6mths of subscription now so seems a pity not to use it up but it is a bit rubbish tbh

OP posts:

ALittleStranger · 28/01/2014 08:27

WTF your posts come across as very whiney, I'm not sure anything in life is ever going to work for you if you approach it that way.

Why on earth do you feel cheap? That's quite an offensive thing to say to all those people who have used OD. Unless you're posting a tariff for your services instead of a profile?

You can't tell chemistry from a screen, that's why you have to meet up and date. The OD part is just an introductory service and all profiles and pictures can give an indication of is whether you'll be able to sustain a first meeting.

Are you messaging or liking anyone you're interested in? Generally you'll have more success if you're putting in some leg work. You are just one thumbnail among many.

mrswarbouys · 28/01/2014 08:33

Just take it slowly, don't expect to much too soon. Swap messages and probe lots before meeting is my advice. If they're really interested their messages should get a bit deeper and longer.

I tried it once and found it fun. I got a few messages, winks etc, but only one bloke really felt right. We chatted lots, he was interesting and made me laugh lots. He wanted to meet quite soon after we started chatting online and mocked me a bit for wanting to email and text more rather than meet.

I took the plunge finally and met him and was immediately smitten. We were together for about a year. It didn't work out, (long story) but the sex was amazing and it did me a power of good to feel desired and wanted again.

FolkGirl · 28/01/2014 08:35

I approached it with a view to using it to work out what sort of man I was interested in, what I was willing to compromise on and what my dealbreakers are. It was really useful for that. I decided that if I actually ended up with a relationship, that would be a bonus. It wasn't really my main objective, or my starting point.

I've made a couple of friends from it and I'm seeing someone I met on there. He's a lovely man. But not at all my type.

I didn't see many people on their who fitted what I thought was my 'type' and so I met up with a range of men - some I clicked with but it didn't work for whatever reason, some were no goes from the start. But it was interesting because I met some lovely and interesting people I'd never have met otherwise.

MirandaWest · 28/01/2014 08:36

I used OKCupid successfully :) Met a lovely man who I've been with for nearly 2 years now.

Decided to try free sites and got lucky very quickly :)

MirandaWest · 28/01/2014 08:38

Another thing I didn't realise is that a lot of women feel they should wait for a man to get in touch with them. Because I didn't realise that I messaged lots of men. I think if you're waiting for someone to contact you, you might possibly feel a bit cheap so I suggest contacting people and seeing what happens.

akawisey · 28/01/2014 08:46

And if you've already stumped up the cash for 6 months you've nothing to lose by giving it a really good shot, have you? The only thing I'd say is don't upgrade so that men who haven't paid themselves can message you - IMO upgrades like that aren't good for you if you suffer from insecurity or dodgy self esteem.

FolkGirl · 28/01/2014 08:52

I agree with aka. Besides, if they haven't paid themselves and are only contacting women they can contact for free, I'd say they're a bit dodgy.

I always avoided the men who'd done similar upgrades too.

ALittleStranger · 28/01/2014 08:54

Folk very good points re "type" and why I'd disagree with advice to be very, very picky. People who approach OD with a long list of must haves have a 95% chance of disappointment and a 5% chance of a lot of luck.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/01/2014 08:59

I agree and disagree with SoHHKB: you do need to be quite ruthlessly picky at first whilst online: don't bother responding to winks or lazy messages ("Hi there", "What's up?") or fishing messages which are clearly being sent to multiple recipients; if somebody is genuinely interested they'll take the time to read your profile and send a couple of sentences relevant to you. That way you rule out potentially meeting up with men who are complete wastes of time. On the other hand, don't be so picky once you start exchanging messages that you rule men out because they don't seem instantly perfect. Meet reasonably quickly - no more than a fortnight between initial message and first meet-up and preferably less. You should be able to tell from the first couple of messages if somebody really isn't your type or might be a possibility and worth meeting with to check out real-life chemistry and compatibility. Don't spend weeks playing message badminton, building up an illusion of the other person that, when you eventually meet, they probably won't live up to. You don't need to know somebody's life history and worldly dreams to meet them for a coffee and a chat.

I met long-term DP on a dating site and had three shorter relationships from dating sites before him - those three were perfectly decent, good men who I am glad I met and dated, it just became apparent after a few months that we weren't going to go the distance. Of all the other men I met (some just for one date; others for a handful) only one was bad. The rest were perfectly agreeable and interesting and it was no skin off my back to share a drink or a meal or a cup of coffee with them.

As ALittleStranger said: are you sending messages yourself? You'll have more success if you do rather than sitting back and and waiting for suitable messages to appear in your inbox. A greeting, a question or two about something you've read on their profile and asking them their favourite joke and telling them yours was my format. It seemed to work! (The joke idea may sound corny, but if somebody's favourite joke was racist or sexist or otherwise dubious, it told me a lot about them. If it was, like mine, silly and cracker-esque, we were on to something.)

SoHHKB · 28/01/2014 09:02

When I said picky, I meant if you don't like someone, don't feel 'obliged' to keep in touch
Yy to making the most of the opportunity to meet a wide range of people...

HeirToTheIronThrone · 28/01/2014 09:21

I am married to a match.com date! You need to give it a good chance - I had months of random oddballs and hideous propositions, plus a few rubbish dates and a six-week fling before my now DH got in touch with me. Give it time - he and I were emailing for about six weeks before we met up for a drink. But we have not been apart since then, which was just over 4 years ago.

FolkGirl · 28/01/2014 09:24

YY to the hideous propositions!

I think my best was a man who tried persuading me to let him come back to mine at the end of the second date.

When I said, "no" he replied, "please... please... I want to come in your mouth". Oh, well in that case..!

I should have known, he failed the waitress test earlier in the evening.

Kettricken · 28/01/2014 09:34

I met my DH on an online dating site, we've been married for 10 years now.

HeirToTheIronThrone · 28/01/2014 09:38

Haha FolkGirl - I had a young guy (about 10 years younger than me) who just sent me messages along the lines of "i wanna fuk u" (spelled like that) for WEEKS. Who replies to things like that?!

laregina · 28/01/2014 09:49

I've never tried it (have been married for a long time, before 'online dating' was a thing). I have single friends who have tried it and they all say that it's a waste of time unless you're looking for a quick fuck

One friend was sent seven willies to look at within a few hours of joining POF . But maybe POF is a bit different to match.com....

Christelle2207 · 28/01/2014 10:04

I met my dh online and know lots of others who've met their husbands and wives this way.
You need to dive in feet first and want to meet someone this way if you want it to work.
However, no you won't know if you are attracted to them until you meet them. The online chat bit is to find out if you're remotely compatible and will have enough to talk about on an actual date. You have to be willing to meet them pretty quickly because you build up a picture in your head of what they're rewlly like which always turns out to br wrong!
I met a total of about 40 men through OD, from that I got one marriage, one two year relationship and 3/4 shorter relationships. Of the rest almost all were very pleasant, about 2 were wankers but none were dodgy.

Original poster

WTFwasthat · 28/01/2014 10:25

Ok, some good tips and advice here. So thank you all. It's good to hear some success stories too! I have winked at a couple of them but it is so harsh when you don;t get any response - quite a harsh place is old Match.com . I seem to be attracting a lot of fat bald men in their mid 60's which is not quite what I had been looking for! Open mind an all that but I wouldn't' look twice at an overweight, pensioner in rl. I suppose it is making me feel like that is my target audience iyswim. I will plod on and keep an open mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

WTFwasthat · 28/01/2014 10:27

it is also a big frustration when they don;t post a picture! A fair few have contacted me but they have no photos up so I ask for a pic if they sound nice - they are obviously not paid up members……...

OP posts:

WalkingWithAGhost · 28/01/2014 11:16

I met my husband online but I had to trawl through a lot of crap and intimate pics before I found him. He was the only one who didnt want to talk about sex and we chatted online everyday for 6 weeks before we met up. I have posted this before somewhere but it really was an eye opener - all sorts of muckyness, I got asked to do a porn film and threesomes on more than one occasion and the married men on there..well I was just amazed. Also they try to get you off the site - messenger and facebook and stuff which I wouldnt do - it's safer I think to stay on site.Even though it did turn out ok, I would never do it again. I think I would try joining clubs and stuff instead, meet real life people.
Best of luck to you!

SchoolyardShizz · 28/01/2014 11:36

I have had 3 LTR through online dating, it is a bit of a minefield.

I usually message someone I like, if we frequently message for more than a few weeks then we will swap numbers and text then meet up. It may be different with men (I am a lesbian) and I think women are more prone to taking things a little bit more slowly, no idea about men!

Stick at it, you've nothing to lose. Just be careful

Original poster

WTFwasthat · 28/01/2014 12:11

thank you - there are quite a lot of men on there who post no picture and then message me in broken English. I suppose I am expecting too much too soon. I'm not in a rush as such but it can be a bit disheartening. I will keep checking and see what happens!

OP posts:

ArsePaste · 28/01/2014 12:15

Treat it like a project, not a place for romantic hopes and dreams. Also: winking - means nothing, which is why people don't respond. Send messages instead. Be proactive, and use it more as a way to meet new people, some of whom may become friends, don't sit there wondering why your knight in shiny nylon hasn't turned up yet.

I met my husband on Guardian Soulmates, btw. He gave good message.

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