I think I'm in a sexless marriage?

[Cherrytopped]

My husband of 3 years is very cuddly, but he never wants to have sex.

I've talked about this with him many times, tried to express how lonely, rejected, humiliated, unwanted and undesirable I feel. He always manages to look concerned, reassure me that it's unintentional, he's just tired, he finds me really sexy etc.

I'm at my wits end, we've had sex twice recently after 2 years of nothing and it's only been at my insistence and was lack lustre (not satisfying and over as quickly as possible) and has left me feeling more rejected and more frustrated than before.

He hates oral and refuses to perform it, I adore and is the thing that really gets me going.

We never really gelled in the bedroom with him being a bit, well frankly odd, about everything sex/naked related and incompatible desires but this is an all time low. He's never removed my clothes, made a move on me or done anything to indicate that urgent desire I just long for.

I love him to the point where I don't know if I could even breathe without him and in all other ways he is the most brilliant and wonderful husband. He is also an excellent father to our young son who utterly adores him.

I'm only 31, I'm in decent shape and I just feel so terrible. I feel ugly, rejected, unloved and unwanted despite the cuddles. An affair is not acceptable to either myself or my husband and we keep butting heads with him not only unwilling to change (or faking willingness and never following through).

I feel like the right thing for my son is to stay in the marriage as I feel there will be more space/time/money with two doting parents, and I don't want him to have to chose or split his time growing up.

For me I feel like I'm dying inside with the best 10 years (my 30's) here now and being wasted with someone who can't or won't fulfil my carnal desires.

Is anyone else in this boat? Or can anyone point me towards help with working out what to do with this? I don't want to end up bitter and poisoned and losing who I really am, but I don't want to take away the advantage of a stable family life from my son.

How long were you together before you were married and does 'never really gelled in the bedroom' mean he's never been enthusiastic about sex, even in the early days? If it's the latter then you're doomed to more of the same and, with life-expectancy for women over 80 these days, can you really imagine the next 30, 40 or 50 years feeling ugly, rejected and unloved?

I might as well be the one to say it..... that level of repression, disinterest in you physically coupled with a desire to 'get it over with' could easily mean your DH is gay but not prepared to admit it.

odd question, but does he have any ocd type tendancies? excessive hand washing/cleanliness etc? you say he's odd about all things sex related, it could be an anxiety reaction?
(not at all suggesting you are dirty!! but he could have an issue with bodily fluids?)
I know this conclusion will not initially help with your feelings of !rejection but the good news is is that it can be treated.
Does he, ahem, 'sort himself out' that you know of? (hopefully the answer to this is yes, as it means he does have a sex drive, and its just the anxiety that needs to be addressed)
I'd really suggest counselling.
I hope that helps

Wonderful conclusion cogito, doesn't like sex so must be gay, maybe that's the problem with my wife, why didn't I think of that.

Cherry, I've been in your position for many many years and, despite being male can empathise.
Discuss it with him now, let him know the strength of your feelings and explain, for you it's a deal breaker. Trust me, you may feel guilty now, but wait a few years until you have children and the level of pain escalates to a whole new level.
Don't speculate as to why, ask him.
Some people (men and women) just don't get or need sex, unfortunately, they also don't realise the bond that intimacy creates or the void it leaves if it doesn't exist.

Deal with it now, it won't get any easier.

Maybe he's asexual. In which case, he can't really change and you shouldn't really ask him to. On the other hand, if that is it, he should have the decency to tell you so. A friend of mine had a similar situation and, like your DH he said the right things when she raised it but - after years - it finally turned out he had some really deep-seated sex issues. Which, looking on he bright side, were very successfully resolved once it was finally out in the open and they could deal with it.

Maybe your wife is gay Bl00dyhell. It's really not that unusual an occurrence. There's huge social pressure for people to settle down, get married and adopt traditional heterosexual roles. There's still a stigma to gay relationships in some parts of society. The man in this case seems not just averse to sex with the OP but extremely uncomfortable with the female body in general. Whether he's gay, asexual, repressed due to some earlier life experience or whatever, I do not conclude... merely speculate.

I'm watching this thread with interest. I am in exactly the same situation as you, my DH just isn't interested in sex. He seems to never think about it. We were fairly active for the first couple of years but went right off the radar once we were settled.

I feel exactly the same in feeling ugly, rejected, unsexy and it has taken a knock to my confidence.

In fact we did actually have sex the other day, (first time in probably 5 months - I initiated it) and when I had a bit of a grumble afterwards asking him to buy me a buzzy friend maybe he actually said something about stepping up to his HUSBANDLY DUTIES!! This completely crushed me and I can't stop thinking about it. I want him to want to have sex with me, not step up!!!

I have given up on the whole urgent desire thing, even when we do 'do it' there is nothing urgent or passionate about it.

I also love him so much in that I couldn't live without him and I have a toddler too, I suppose I have got used to the fact that I will have a sexless marriage as it is more preferable to breaking the family up. Plus my sexual confidence is so low i don't believe anyone else would want me.

My DH is also very awkward about sex, he cringes if anyone kisses or does anything sexual on TV.

If you go the 'put up with it for the sake of ds' route you are in grave danger of meeting someone and having an affair, which would be terrible.

Hi Cherrytopped
I don't know if you'll take reassurance from this or it will make it worse but...
DP and I haven't had sex for over 2 years. Before that, for years we only had sex to try to get pregnant. After 4 failed IVF cycles we put that plan to bed and, well, completely stopped the sex.
We've been together 15 years and love each other very much. We started out very passionate and it gradually dwindled.
I'm certain he isn't gay - he never lived a life that would've made it difficult to come out.
I miss sex but our 'companionship' (bleurgh) has gone beyond that now and it would be very difficult and awkward to get back to that intimacy.
We've both decided that our life together and our love is enough and much better than not being together for the sake of sex with someone else.
I think you risk getting to where we are if you don't actively address the issue, be it through counselling or some other way. But I also believe that sex - although important and sadly missed when not happening - is not absolutely vital in every relationship.
I would rather be with my DP at the expense of sex than be with someone else at the possible expense of other aspects of our wonderful relationship.

I don't understand why anyone who loves sex would willingly choose to suppress that part of themselves and stay with a partner who is able to have sex and feel desire, but won't and doesn't.

I have even less understanding of why you'd choose to marry someone who's never been any different.

There also seem to be a lot of women writing on here who have no sex life at all because their partners use porn.

Plus a lot of women with men who don't seem to think no sex is a problem for women. So weird.

So could he be a porn user? Is he a very old-fashioned sort who thinks that women don't want a sex life?

As for what to do, you need to tell him straight that this isn't the life you want to lead. That you need him to be honest at last about what his issues with sex are.

because, I would imagine, that it isn't done with any malice, DP isnt intentionally trying to hurt you and if all other areas of the relationship are sound you continually question yourself whether it really is that much big of an issue to consider ending the relationship?
lots of what if's/grass is greener scenarios - might find someone who you click with great in the bedroom but the rest of the relationship is lacking.
And at the end of the day, you love the hell out of your DP
Am I right OP?
Now, I might get shot down for this (& tbh its an area I have no experience with) but could you consider an open relationship??

Thanks for all the replies.

We had a fully on chat about it yesterday. I opened all lines of possibilities including being gay, explained exactly how it was making me feel. He's been seeing the evidence of my pain on this front for a while with me obsessing about how I look, what I weigh, clothes I wear etc so he's finally taken me seriously.

He's putting it down in the main to a bad past experience which made him anxious. Totally believable because he is an anxious worrier by nature. And yes, to the person who mentioned it, he does have OCD, not with germs as much but all keys, phones etc have to be in the right place, he can't sleep in bed at night unless he's triple checked the doors downstairs are all locked and internal doors shut etc. Even the word "porn" makes him pull a face, he doesn't like toys/outfits/role play/half clothes people on TV/anything remotely kinky. It quite clearly makes him uncomfortable. I am not into fetish things or anything too far off of the base of 'regular' copulation so I never saw any of that as a disadvantage - until now!

He is also shy, he's never been confident being naked, and he's put on weight. I still love him and fancy him but I think the post wedding weight gain isn't doing his confidence any favours.

Counselling for him is out, he won't talk about it to a stranger, it would simply be too traumatic for him. To admit an inadequacy and to share intimate things would be impossible for him to do.

Because of the anxiety issues I've given him an ultimatum without giving him a direct ultimatum. He's got 6 months, no improvement or effort in that time and I'm leaving. He is otherwise the most wonderful husband, but if he truly loves me back he'll make some effort. I'm not expecting 3 times a day but one a week bar TOM would be nice!

I'm partially relieved that I'm not the only woman on the planet in this situation and partly sad to hear others are also suffering. The act of sex is a basic primal urge, right up there with hunger and thirst. I'm not a big eater, I can take or leave food, but reforming that bond with my mate is essential to me, now more than ever, and something I don't want too tightly be rationed!

It might be a basic primal urge, but I don't ever equate it to hunger and thirst because of course humans can survive without sex and they can't without food or water. I think a lot of problems arise because of this misconception that sex is a survival need and even more problems occur when folks assume men have this need more than women.

I prefer to think of this as a need that varies between individuals. Some folks have a personal need of sex and all that goes with it, than others.

From what you say, there are huge psychological issues at play here, for which he won't get help. I doubt so much that you'll see any changes without him doing that.

What was the score before you got married? Were there no signs of this problem then?

Sex is essential for survival. Not on a personal level in the way food and drink is but it's crucial for those of us with normal libidos to flourish.

The idea that we can/should live without sex in a supposedly loving relationship is unfair. It's normal to want it. If the person not wanting it refuses to seek help for their problem then they don't truly love their partner.

Can we please stop being apologists for inadequate partners?

He's not 'shy'. The man you describe is crippled by self-consciousness, sexual repression, anxiety & insecurity. Shy people can lead a normal life. His various mental health issues and hang-ups are serious enough to get in the way of him functioning normally as an adult male. Leaving your sex-life out of it, who gets past their adolescent years and still squirms at semi-clothed people on TV? One has to wonder what the past 'bad experience' was. Abuse?

An ultimatum might be the incentive he needs to finally get help. Hope he takes up the opportunity.

It IS unfair if someone who wants sex thought they were signing up to a relationship where it was going to happen - and the other partner is able to do something about it, but won't.

I was just wondering whether he'd been any different and if not, why the poster signed up for this.

Because there ARE couples who can live without sex, because neither of them are overly bothered by it. They shouldn't be made to feel like freaks either.

The problem arises if one doesn't want sex (and all that goes with it) and the other does.

Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound as though I think asexual people or those with low sex drives are freaks. I just struggle with the notion that it is something that shouldn't be viewed as hugely important if it matters to one person in the relationship.

FWIW DH's first marriage was pretty sexless. I pointed out it wasn't terribly bright to marry a woman who didn't like sex!

I especially hate the assumption that women should put aside their sex drives because everything else is just dandy. Rarely do people expect men to do that.

A friend of mine was married for 18 years and has two children. She recently left her husband and is living with a woman. She told me sex with her husband had never been great because she was never really sexually attracted to him, she loved him as a friend. She also says things are totally different now.

Plenty of women and men live lives where coming out as gay shouldn't on paper be an issue, but is for those individuals.

Sex is a desire for most of us. A strong desire, but not a survival need like food or water. And for humans, libido is not linked to reproduction. Otherwise women who had went through their menopause, would all have no interest in having any sex ever again.

Tonandfeather I'd disagree, I've had to do exactly that ( as a male) and I don't feel it's uncommon.
But I do agree that no one regardless of gender should be in that postion.

It's like I'm looking in a mirror. I've been married 8 1/2 years and together for 13 1/2. In the good old days, when my DW's sex drive was at its peak we'd have sex 5 or 6 times a year. Then it dropped to 3 or 4. Now nothing.

I'm 33 bloody years old.

It makes me feel like I must be totally foul. And the thing is, in every other way she is the most perfect and loving wife, but she just cannot see why I think it's such an issue or why I keep 'going on about it'. I just end up feeling guilty for rocking the boat in an otherwise happy marriage, but I really feel I can't cope any more.

I have had offers elsewhere (at work) and am increasingly worried I'll do something stupid.

I didn't say it was UNCOMMON for men to be in sexless relationships not of their choosing. What I was trying to explain was that in my experience, men get far more sympathy for wanting to leave a sexless relationship than women who are making that choice too. It's almost as if it's accepted that men want more sex than women whereas women are often told that it's 'only sex' and they should be grateful for what they DO have.

My advice always to people who are living in sexless relationships where choices are involved is to attempt to sort it out, but if that doesn't work then get the hell out and be good parents and friends before an affair ruins it all even more.

Has anyone been in this situation a very long time?? How do you feel about your DP? Are you still in love?

UnoriginalUsername - Yes, nearly 14 years.

12 years and it's been a struggle. The last year I've given up trying have become moody and more withdrawn and I feel last Christmas was our last as a family.
I feel incredibly selfish, but have tried addressing it a number of times over the years. It isn't going to change so I have few options