I think I'm in a sexless marriage?

[Cherrytopped]

My husband of 3 years is very cuddly, but he never wants to have sex.

I've talked about this with him many times, tried to express how lonely, rejected, humiliated, unwanted and undesirable I feel. He always manages to look concerned, reassure me that it's unintentional, he's just tired, he finds me really sexy etc.

I'm at my wits end, we've had sex twice recently after 2 years of nothing and it's only been at my insistence and was lack lustre (not satisfying and over as quickly as possible) and has left me feeling more rejected and more frustrated than before.

He hates oral and refuses to perform it, I adore and is the thing that really gets me going.

We never really gelled in the bedroom with him being a bit, well frankly odd, about everything sex/naked related and incompatible desires but this is an all time low. He's never removed my clothes, made a move on me or done anything to indicate that urgent desire I just long for.

I love him to the point where I don't know if I could even breathe without him and in all other ways he is the most brilliant and wonderful husband. He is also an excellent father to our young son who utterly adores him.

I'm only 31, I'm in decent shape and I just feel so terrible. I feel ugly, rejected, unloved and unwanted despite the cuddles. An affair is not acceptable to either myself or my husband and we keep butting heads with him not only unwilling to change (or faking willingness and never following through).

I feel like the right thing for my son is to stay in the marriage as I feel there will be more space/time/money with two doting parents, and I don't want him to have to chose or split his time growing up.

For me I feel like I'm dying inside with the best 10 years (my 30's) here now and being wasted with someone who can't or won't fulfil my carnal desires.

Is anyone else in this boat? Or can anyone point me towards help with working out what to do with this? I don't want to end up bitter and poisoned and losing who I really am, but I don't want to take away the advantage of a stable family life from my son.

Another one here. Thought I'd log in as you ask some good questions Ton.

I don't like what I've become. Yet I've never been comfortable with myself anyway. I don't think I've changed that much following DW repeated rejections. I think I've had my own preconceptions confirmed.

Being a victim appeals because it means that I don't have to make difficult choices. Essentially I suppose a coward at heart! It brings no other gains.

It doesn't stop me from taking responsibility for other, potentially frightening aspects of my life. Except for the fear of upsetting others.

I've had a difficult few months of counselling to come to some of these conclusions.

What is selfish is when people in sexless marriages recruit rescuers and don't leave till they've got someone else.

Better to part on amicable terms than be the bad guy who had an affair

a. why does having an affair in this situation automatically make someone the bad guy. Is it bad to not observe the vow of "forsaking all others" but somehow not bad to not observe the vow of "with my body i thee worship" !

Ive got the numbers somewhere (if i can find them) which say that 4 out of 10 women are homeless due to domestic abuse. Some ppl have nowhere else to go not to mention religiously abusive and emotionally abusive families/parents who will REFUSE to support them and even disown them.

I dont understand the reference to being a victim running through parts of this thread? surely these situations are due to selflessness, love of your DP's & sustaining family life?
Not that it makes it any easier, but victim feels to me like it is done intentionally with malice?
Does anyone feel like that? am I being ever hopeful to believe it is not??

I don't know if it's a sense of being a victim, perhaps more a sense that one's partner is taking one for granted, perhaps being complacent about the relationship.

A lot of people are mentioning long their DP... I'd settle for sex with just one person. (Snigger.)

I appreciate keepithidden's honesty.

The reason victimhood is mentioned is because when anyone is in a life situation that they have choices to change but they stay anyway, martyrdom often sets in fast. Other people get blamed for the situation the person's a victim of: the partner who doesn't want sex, parents, the children, the government, society in general...and so it goes on.

Sometimes that's a whole lot more comfortable than taking responsibility for your own life and taking risks that if failure results, will be solely your responsibility and there will be no-one else to blame but yourself. That's difficult territory for a martyr.

I agree with complacency, other than threats of leaving is there anyway of getting the message to hit home?
Does anyone have an 'it worked out for us story' where they turned it around?
I still want to believe in happily ever afters...gad damn you Walt Disney

I dont understand the reference to being a victim running through parts of this thread? surely these situations are due to selflessness?

There's no such thing as selflessness, true altruism doesn't exist. It is fear of the unknown I suppose, the sense that things as they stand aren't as bad as the possible worst case scenario should the choice to go down that route actually be made. "Victim" may be the wrong word as it implies no consent on the part of the person suffering, "Martyr" again I don't think is correct, well not in my situation, no-one outside of MN knows how I feel so how could I use martydom as a factor when it won't be recognised in RL? I don't know if the truth will ever come out so I suppose the future may demonstrate a martyrdom-complex of some sorts. We'll see.

Victims don't exist purely on the basis of intentional action or inaction as a consequence of malice. They can exist through ignorance, luck and any number of external variables. So appearing as a victim isn't how I would see it because the situation I'm in is one of my own making.

other than threats of leaving is there anyway of getting the message to hit home?

Unless the low drive partner is unusually empathetic I don't think there is. I still hold out hope though!Happily ever afters aren't reserved for Disney (and I really hate Disney!)

Bingo.

This is why I like your honesty.

You stay because you think things as they stand aren't as bad as the alternative and because of fear of the unknown.

Not everyone is as self-aware of why they make the choices they make.

For many women sex is important, and a fulfilling part of marriage.If you need it you will have to call time on this marriage i am afraid, there are women out there who are equally blase about sex with whom he can be happy.

I fell out of love with Disney when I realised woodland animals were never going to come and magically clean my house

Having married my first love I have sadly never been in a relationship with regular sex so find it very hard to picture a situation where sex was expected, where it was a given. I don't really know whether others are bulls**ing when they talk about relationships like that, although I expect a lot of people will read this ad say 'no'.

Ton Can i ask a question.
Why are you willing to victim blame when porn isnt involved in a partner refusing sex and intimacy but then see it differently when porn is involved.
It may not be emotionally abusive to refuse sex but it IS to refuse to do anything about the problem for YEARS and YEARS and then pout and play "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you" You are victim blaming.

Ton - I think my situation is different to many others, as Darkest says there are a lot of Posters who don't have the choices I have and don't have the luxury I have to consider alternatives. I'm the breadwinner in DW and my marriage I've considered leaving and have worked out the financial and practical limitiations. I'm aware that the social stigma for me is less than a woman in a similar position.

In all of these senses I have a lot more choice than many. Okay so the emotional element and the DCs are completely at the whims of DW being primary carer, but to all practical intents and purposes I could walk out now. This isn't an option for many.

UU - Always hated Disney, give me Warner Bros. anyday, far more realistic!

Clovis - I hear you.

Like hell am I victim blaming. But do you see yourself as a victim then Darkesteyes?

My advice is no different whether someone's married to a porn addict or someone who doesn't want sex, is capable of having it and refuses to discuss it.

If nothing's going to change - leave.

You are a victim of nothing but your own decisions.

I'll be brave here, and admit that I'm the one in our marriage that doesn't like or want sex.

Like a lot of you, we've been together for years and neither of us has any desire to cheat or to leave.

We touch, we hold hands, we kiss still, cuddle, play with each other's hair. There's no lack of affection. We just don't do much of those things that class as sex.

My DH considers this an issue. I don't - and I don't know why he does, to be honest. Certainly, I struggle to believe that some of you would end an otherwise solid relationship over it.

Some of you are giving the reasons why it matters to you, which is something I've asked DH to do, and he hasn't been able to.

Thing is, I've had years of being made to feel guilty for NOT wanting to, which may well be the case with your partners as well. Society, after all, is on your side - yours is the 'normal' viewpoint. It's taken me ten years, and many hurtful go rounds to actually be able to say to him -'but I don't. Why do you?'

It's soul destroying, on both sides. I'd love someone to tell me there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm failing to see what that might be. Ultimately, as far as I can see, one of us either does (or doesn't do) something that matters to them, or we split, which seems massively overdramatic to me.

@ UnoriginalUsername yes I turned it around, although it was never truley sexless. I never used to have a high sex drive, me and my gf would maybe have sex once or twice a month max for a good few years after our first was born. Not really sure why either. However after I started running and got fitter and healthier suddenly it was back on! It was a complete side effect of the running, but a welcome one. I think what I'm trying to say is sometimes you just don't know why you can't be bothered to have sex rather than it being your partner putting you off, and sometimes a change in lifestyle/situation can just kick it back off again. So there is hope!

Interesting to see @ ginnybag 's comment. I was jut about to say that we only usually hear one side of this. I would like to hear more from the 'no' point of view though. Don't they realise how big a part of life sex is? Don't they worry that they'll be cheated on, or care? Don't they feel any pride in their partner feeling satisfied?

That IS brave.

This is kinda what I meant earlier in this thread.

People who don't want sex shouldn't be made to feel like freaks and neither should people who DO want sex.

Both are defensible positions to take.

But since presumably none of us would insist that people had sex they didn't want, the onus is on the person who DOES want sex to make a decision about whether he or she stays in a sexless relationship or leaves it.

And then lives with decision, accepting that you always had the right to make a different one.

Ton you are correct.
Neither person is wrong but both have different desires and expectations.
They either both learn to compromise or as you say, decide to separate.

The last thing I want for my wife to do is something she doesn't want to do, it's just wrong.

Ton - that's a fair point, I grant.

And, yes, I agree - whilst I can't see why anyone would end a relationship over it, never would I want my husband to stay in one that was making him deeply unhappy. If, one day, he chooses to make that call, I won't understand it and it will probably kill something inside me, but I won't paint him as the bad guy, either.

I know it's not a choice he would make lightly.

We're at the stage, now, of trying to understand each other, and seeing if we can make it work. There's a lot of baggage to work through, unfortunately, on both sides.

Which is partly why I'm posting. I can articulate why I don't want/need it - and it is as simple as I don't especially like that level of touch and don't enjoy it. I live in my head a lot, and the base of my 'interest', for lack of a better word, is mental. Something that purely physical does nothing for me. (Watching porn is boring - for what that's worth!)

But he can't articulate why it matters so much - which some of you seem able to do - and there we hit an issue. 'It just does' only triggers 'but it doesn't' which is where we were stuck for years.

So, I may be able to learn something to help here, and maybe I can offer the alternative perspective? It's sometimes easier to talk when there's no emotion involved.

I've a friend (48 ish), whose husband of 12 years wasn't interested in sex much to begin with and it got worse. She felt ugly, rejected and unwanted for years but they stayed together for the sake of their DD, who was a bit of a miracle as they probably had sex twice in their 12 years.

They had copious amounts of couple counselling, things got better for a couple of weeks and then tailed off to nothing. She had affairs just to get his attention, but he only approved of them, telling her "if you're happy, so am I", which of course wasn't good enough. One day she realised she just couldn't go on with it, she moved out. She has a new partner now as is really happy..

If he won't change OP - end it... You will eventually, I know you don't think you can but the day will come, I'm sure of it. Sex is important, it makes us whole, and a sexual relationship with your partner is not too much to ask.

I have posted here before about our problems in the bedroom.Ive bought books Ive discussed problems but he is still selfish .I have got to the point where I don't bother any more but I feel horrible about it bit feel equally horrible when he can be arsed ..its over in about 5 seconds.

I see myself as a survivor of an emotionally abusive family rather than a victim.

So where did the 'victim blaming' come in then, in your earlier post and in the title to your blog?

I'm not survivor blaming either incidentally. Just pointing out that there are always choices and mostly, people make the ones they think are best for themselves.

That is not my blog. It is a blog that is part of a brilliant campaign which highlights and tries to change victim blaming in the media and society. It hosts all sorts of posts regarding victim blaming because victim blaming tends to happen in more situations than most would think.