I think I'm in a sexless marriage?

[Cherrytopped]

My husband of 3 years is very cuddly, but he never wants to have sex.

I've talked about this with him many times, tried to express how lonely, rejected, humiliated, unwanted and undesirable I feel. He always manages to look concerned, reassure me that it's unintentional, he's just tired, he finds me really sexy etc.

I'm at my wits end, we've had sex twice recently after 2 years of nothing and it's only been at my insistence and was lack lustre (not satisfying and over as quickly as possible) and has left me feeling more rejected and more frustrated than before.

He hates oral and refuses to perform it, I adore and is the thing that really gets me going.

We never really gelled in the bedroom with him being a bit, well frankly odd, about everything sex/naked related and incompatible desires but this is an all time low. He's never removed my clothes, made a move on me or done anything to indicate that urgent desire I just long for.

I love him to the point where I don't know if I could even breathe without him and in all other ways he is the most brilliant and wonderful husband. He is also an excellent father to our young son who utterly adores him.

I'm only 31, I'm in decent shape and I just feel so terrible. I feel ugly, rejected, unloved and unwanted despite the cuddles. An affair is not acceptable to either myself or my husband and we keep butting heads with him not only unwilling to change (or faking willingness and never following through).

I feel like the right thing for my son is to stay in the marriage as I feel there will be more space/time/money with two doting parents, and I don't want him to have to chose or split his time growing up.

For me I feel like I'm dying inside with the best 10 years (my 30's) here now and being wasted with someone who can't or won't fulfil my carnal desires.

Is anyone else in this boat? Or can anyone point me towards help with working out what to do with this? I don't want to end up bitter and poisoned and losing who I really am, but I don't want to take away the advantage of a stable family life from my son.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html

Sorry - you said your own situation was in the link, so mistook it for your own blog.

Thanks but I know about victim blaming and detest it - especially towards victims of crimes.

Me too Ton

Cherrytopped, if the two of you have never really gelled in the bedroom, why on Earth are you surprised that it's turned out this way? I've never known a man who became more interested (sexually) in his wife as the years rolled by so if he wasn't bonking the living daylights out of you during the early stages of your sexual relationship, it's a huge ask for him to be getting very excited after three years of marriage.

And, in my experience, if a man isn't keen on giving oral pleasure to his woman, that's a sure sign he's never going to be good in bed (with women).

I do sympathise with your situation but I really can't see it improving.

Sorry.

That's a little yardstick of mine too, funnily enough! Again, I'd never expect anyone to do anything he's not comfortable with, but if he doesn't want to do that, we would not get on...

Kudos Ginny, it's good to hear the opposite side of the situation. I can empathise with the not wanting the level of touch or physical side of a sexual relationship. I've a strong desire for my own personal space and find it difficult when it's breached. It's always a difficult barrier to cross when I would like to consumate my love.

Yet at the same time, breaching that barrier means I am more fully open, I've exposed my physical, mental and emotionally vulnerable side to my partner and shown what I normally fear to show. It's this level of love that I miss I suppose. The everyday indications of deep friendship, team partnership and parenting I can do relatively easily, but it's the baring of my soul that makes the difference between a very close friend and a lover. Sex is linked intrinsically in my mind to this level of exposure and if it is a mutual thing then the bond that forms is something that I can't emmulate in any other way.

So when that bond is threatened, and threatened only on one side (i.e. DW not wanting that kind of relationship anymore) it is very painful to feel that rejection. I suppose it is an exercise in ego-crushing too, sure it hurts to be rejected in any sphere of life, but being rejected by someone you love and thought you had a deeper bond with feels worse than most other scenarios.

It is very hard to articulate how it feels, the usual Maxims of loneliness, emptiness, unwanted, unloved, belittled, ugly etc... don't seem to convey the experience very well. I struggle to put it into words so I'm not surprised your DH can't.

Nothing to do with this thread Keepithidden but I just wanted to say I enjoy your posts and that you come across as an admirable, reflective person.

I'd love to see you posting regularly on the relationships board, especially in response to posts claiming that all men watch porn and would be unfaithful at the drop of a hat. Your empathy seems very strong.

Agree with Ton People generalize far too much sometimes and treat others as one big homogenous mass rather than as individuals.

I love my OH we've been together 25 years since he had an emotional affair in 2013 he has not attempted to be intimate with me.im not bothered about the sex but I need cuddles kisses etc it's always an excuse when I'm better when he's better when we go on holiday for my birthday alll been and gone and nothing can't get him to talk about it as then he says it needs to be spontaneous not planned I'm getting to the point where I I'm getting no affection I'm going to let him go before he breaks my self esteem altogether..is he stillll carrying a torch for her aas I found out by accident or does he just not have the bottle to say I don't have feelings for you and grow some balls or does he stay as without my car he can't go to work. Please advise he sahits down and silent treatment if its brought up once a year.