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Original poster

I think I'm in a sexless marriage?

84 replies

Cherrytopped · 26/01/2014 20:07

My husband of 3 years is very cuddly, but he never wants to have sex.

I've talked about this with him many times, tried to express how lonely, rejected, humiliated, unwanted and undesirable I feel. He always manages to look concerned, reassure me that it's unintentional, he's just tired, he finds me really sexy etc.

I'm at my wits end, we've had sex twice recently after 2 years of nothing and it's only been at my insistence and was lack lustre (not satisfying and over as quickly as possible) and has left me feeling more rejected and more frustrated than before.

He hates oral and refuses to perform it, I adore and is the thing that really gets me going.

We never really gelled in the bedroom with him being a bit, well frankly odd, about everything sex/naked related and incompatible desires but this is an all time low. He's never removed my clothes, made a move on me or done anything to indicate that urgent desire I just long for.

I love him to the point where I don't know if I could even breathe without him and in all other ways he is the most brilliant and wonderful husband. He is also an excellent father to our young son who utterly adores him.

I'm only 31, I'm in decent shape and I just feel so terrible. I feel ugly, rejected, unloved and unwanted despite the cuddles. An affair is not acceptable to either myself or my husband and we keep butting heads with him not only unwilling to change (or faking willingness and never following through).

I feel like the right thing for my son is to stay in the marriage as I feel there will be more space/time/money with two doting parents, and I don't want him to have to chose or split his time growing up.

For me I feel like I'm dying inside with the best 10 years (my 30's) here now and being wasted with someone who can't or won't fulfil my carnal desires.

Is anyone else in this boat? Or can anyone point me towards help with working out what to do with this? I don't want to end up bitter and poisoned and losing who I really am, but I don't want to take away the advantage of a stable family life from my son.

OP posts:
Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 16:05

Leaving a relationship for this reason isn't selfish. It does children no good to think that marriages have no intimacy and moodiness and withdrawal (understandable) rubs off on them too.

What is selfish is when people in sexless marriages recruit rescuers and don't leave till they've got someone else.

Better to part on amicable terms than be the bad guy who had an affair.

UnoriginalUsername · 27/01/2014 16:08

clovis/bl00dyhell - have you discussed counselling? what was your DP's reaction?

UnoriginalUsername · 27/01/2014 16:14

or any other inventive solutions other than 'we'll try harder'?? Sad

Bl00dyhell · 27/01/2014 16:20

She wouldn't entertain in, it's not something she would ever talk about with others. I got to the end of my tether last year and said we needed to seek counselling as nothing change, she refused, she won't even read things about the impact of lack of intimacy. She also struggles to differentiate between sex and intimacy.

problem is, it's now gone on too long. I don't want to resolve the problem anymore, that desire has now passed, hence my comment to OP, discuss it now before it becomes insurmountable.

I'm now comming to terms with having to give up seeing my children every day and living in my house ( sorry if that's materialistic)

Dont get me wrong, she is a wonderful person, but there i can't come to terms with no intimacy

MadBusLady · 27/01/2014 16:24

I don't think anyone should have to live like that bl00dyhell, I've seen you on other threads with this issue and it's obviously eating you up, I think it's good you're starting to consider a different future.

Darkesteyes · 27/01/2014 16:25

TonandfeatherMon 27-Jan-14 14:59:22

I didn't say it was UNCOMMON for men to be in sexless relationships not of their choosing. What I was trying to explain was that in my experience, men get far more sympathy for wanting to leave a sexless relationship than women who are making that choice too. It's almost as if it's accepted that men want more sex than women whereas women are often told that it's 'only sex' and they should be grateful for what they DO have.

Totally agree Its called mysogyny.

UnoriginalUsername · 27/01/2014 16:26

so would you say its killed your feelings for her, completely?? What made you finally give up? (if you dont mind me asking?)

Darkesteyes · 27/01/2014 16:30

This was filmed in or around 1984. My fave comic Dave Allen talks about women and sex NO slut shaming or mysogyny at all.

WTF has happened between then and now?!

Bl00dyhell · 27/01/2014 16:33

Not killed but changed.
I care very much about her, but I no longer fancy her, lust after her and I always have and we have been together nearly 20 years.

The longer you leave it the harder it becomes.

Darkesteyes · 27/01/2014 16:33

Its been 18 years this year for me. My situ is in the link.

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/

Darkesteyes · 27/01/2014 16:37

Ton ive actually had 2 males say that to me. "that its only sex and that i should be grateful.

UnoriginalUsername · 27/01/2014 17:01

Do you think there are there any possibilities of staying together but having an agreement to, erm, seek extra-marital relations??
Or does that defeat the point??

UnoriginalUsername · 27/01/2014 17:02

Sorry lots of questions Confused

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 17:15

I've never been in a sexless relationship but I wouldn't stay in one either. I know I'd get very damaged by it and bitter and I wouldn't do that to myself. I'm not into self-harm or being a victim of anyone else's choices.

Bl00dyhell · 27/01/2014 17:36

UnoriginalUsername - I'm not wired that way. It's not about sex, it's about intimacy and that involves feelings and strong emotions, not just getting your rocks off.

Darkesteyes · 27/01/2014 17:37

Bloody Im the same I want intimacy and tenderness too.

UnoriginalUsername · 27/01/2014 18:13

hmm...I suppose it is a harebrained scheme, my ever hopeful way of everything working out and not having to end the relationship maybe? and probably a conversation that'd caused more harm than good Sad

So is your DP affectionate towards you? at all?

Darkesteyes · 27/01/2014 18:20

Not sure if you are asking me or another poster Unoriginal but we havent even held hands for many years....since around 1996. Its more of a flatmate/friendship thing now.

Bl00dyhell · 27/01/2014 18:33

affection as in holding hands, yes, the odd cuddle, yes.
kiss on the lips, yes but mouth firmly closed.

God I miss snogging

ClovisWrites · 27/01/2014 19:55

Me too Bl00dyhell, I loved proper kissing, the feeling of someone feeling enthusiastic to be with me. The thing is, people who aren't in the situation are all "Oh I COULDN'T stay without sex", but what am I meant to do? I live my wife more than anything, I love my children, my home. Even if sex were worth losing all that, I've been in a relationship since 2000, how do I know it's her and not me, if you see what I mean? Maybe some people just aren't shaggable.

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 20:12

Calling what you're missing 'sex' is trivialising it though.

It isn't just sex. That's why I used the phrase "sex and all that goes with it" because it encompasses so many aspects of human identity. Feeling desired, wanted, attractive, fanciable. These are feelings that amongst other things, make life worth living and also make difficulties in life easier than they might otherwise be.

I'd personally find it hard to love someone completely if that person didn't care enough about my unhappiness to try to resolve it and make things better, so I admit I can't relate to posters talking about how much they love partners who refuse to discuss such a major issue.

The love for children and homes though doesn't have to cease if a separate life is chosen. It will be a different parenting relationship but by no means does it have to be a worse one. In fact, children often develop better relationships with their single parents than when they were married.

Some tough questions here, but if this were me, I'd be asking them.

Do you like the person you are as a result of this relationship? What have you become?

Is there anything about being a victim that appeals to you? What gains does it bring you?

Does this situation stop you from taking responsibility for an area of your life you're frightened of if you had to do it on your own?

PartyFops · 27/01/2014 20:14

I've not been snogged for years! I miss it too Sad

PartyFops · 27/01/2014 20:18

I would also like to add that it's better not to have sex than to have sex because I've made a fuss about it. I think in many cases some people just naturally have a low sex drive, maybe low testosterone levels?

To me my marriage and family is worth more, but it's a great shame that my sex life is doomed. Sad

Darkesteyes · 27/01/2014 20:55

Yes i miss being kissed passionately too.
The looking into each others eyes while making love. The passion and intensity of it.

Someone tenderly touching your face. Running their hands through your hair,
or gently squeezing your hand under the table etc Sad

UnoriginalUsername · 27/01/2014 20:58

Do you have to initiate all the affection, hand holding etc - or does that bit still come naturally??
Did the sex die out first and then the affection gradually deteriorate also??