I've been sent this email by my ex

[FanFuckingTastic]

www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper

I left five weeks ago. I felt like I was being controlled and emotionally abused.

I was abused as a child and I said I would never accept that.

Now I'm being told I am an abuser. Surely that isn't right? I have been trying to protect myself from harassment by cutting him off. He told me I would fail at living by myself, I am too sick of body and mind to cope alone, that I would end up homeless, penniless and eventually my children would be taken off of me by social services.

I know I am supposed to ignore what he says, but to hear this from him after sharing how broken I felt due to my childhood abuse. I don't know how to separate myself from this situation.

Hey Fan, didn't want to read your thread and leave without saying this...

You are a very brave lady and as the days pass you will continue to grow and regain your self belief :-)

I want to wish you all the best for the future and all the happiness in the world ;-)

Sending virtual hugs!

P.s - that book is fab!

I'm feeling quite chuffed with myself, I've managed to get three mystery shopping assignments, two are online deliveries to store, one is a shop walk in. By the end of it I'll have made £37, have a shop worth £25, and some makeup worth £5. Not bad really, and it kept me busy for a while.

Still no contact from my ex, which is great, I really feel like I can concentrate on other things. We're having mince and tatties for lunch, and then I'll be taking my DD home to her dad, and coming back to my mums for another day.

Sounds absolutely fantastic fan, hopefully he will get bored and move on.

I've got a new facebook account, so I can add people if they want it, just sending out messages pre-warning folks, and have blocked my ex and any account I know he has.

Ahh that's great fan, new year new start eh. Slowly slowly, one step at a time, have shirt term goals that lead to long term ones

I've been contacted by the council domestic violence outreach worker, who were contacted by Women's Aid. I have an appointment tomorrow. No idea what to expect, but the lady was really nice on the phone and made sure I know there is no pressure to attend and I can rearrange if I need to.

Then you have the very weapon you need to forge ahead with your life without him. Knowledge. I know saying its power is a cliche but its a true cliche. You can simply ignore everything he says on the premise that its a mind game. Some manipulators are so clever at it, they never turn into the traditional abuser. They find a way to let you know just how hurt they are, how let down they feel etc when in fact you have done nothing. The let down and hurt that they feel is at their lack of ability to control you, their failure to bring you down. Rise above xxx

I'm back off home from my mum's house today, feeling a bit apprehensive that I'll start feeling rubbish again, but I've got things to do, so will try to keep busy.

Good luck. Look after yourself.

I am almost back and just nicely in time for my appointment. Saves an extra trip out. My mum has been very good to me and it's her birthday next weekend. I have little money so am going to look through my wool stash and see if I can make her a nice scarf and a jokey bunch of knitted flowers. Do you think that will be okay?

I will update on this appointment later on as I am interested in what they have to say. I also need to find out what is going on with money, sowill have to chase benefits.

Oh fan you sound like your in a much better place now, better before you met ex too. I am so happy for you, things are slotting together nicely. Here have some and a big hug from moi

Don't be dismayed by setbacks in your mood.

Dealing with someone like your P gives a feeling akin to riding a rollercoaster, and as you put it so well, they occupy your mind like an enemy invasion ('no contact from my ex, which is great, I really feel like I can concentrate on other things').

I think a hand-knitted scarf and a jokey bunch of knitted flowers would absolutely delight me, if dd were to do that for me, especially if she had as much on her plate as you do. In fact, her simply remembering would bring tears to my eyes!

Hope the appointment was OK, and you are all right.

So I attended a homelessness appointment today with the local council. We went through all the situation from the very beginning, and she filled out a form. I have to get some other information for her, and then she will make her decision.

If it is positive I will go into the highest band in the council housing bidding system for twelve weeks and be able to bid fortnightly on properties. If not, I guess I am a bit screwed, I guess I will go into a refuge and hope that they can help me to sort out housing.

She told me I am in the best position at the moment to apply to any council as I am fleeing domestic violence. So I think I will consider another location as it would also be good for access to my children and family. I need to contact them shortly I would imagine.

I also need to contact a solicitor for the non-molestation order, plus various medical people for evidence for my housing application, plus my mum for some information I couldn't recall, mostly dates, plus the benefits people regarding my ESA. I think I will spend a lot of today on the phone. Fortunately I have my friend here to help with forms and for support.

I am feeling ever so slightly overwhelmed today. And very worried about the outcome of this homelessness thing.

It's a lot to do on a short time. One step at a time and you'll be ticking everything off the list.

Good idea to consider a move away. Get closer to your children and mum.

A refuge isn't a bad thing either. You'll get loads of support and will be top of the housing list too. So don't despair if it comes to it.

Hope the solicitor is helpful too.

The prospect of being officially homeless, and even the practical issue of 'where will I end up?' is really daunting, but you have done so well to stay on top of things, making appointments and keeping them, and remaining determined about keeping well clear of the Ex so keep on plugging away. I think it's very hopeful that you get priority because of fleeing DV. And a refuge wouldn't be a bad place to go you would still have priority, and would be very safe if the Ex went nuclear after being served with the non-molestation order.

It is a lot to do, yes, but we are all cheering you on on the other side of the screen. Glad you have a friend there to help with the forms

Oh fuckety fuck. Why is it you sort some stuff out and new stuff pops its head up?

I have spoken to my old social worker and she is great, she is forwarding me all the information she can to help, but she has also had contact from the shopmobility charity that provided me with a rental scooter, which is in storage in my old town.

Basically I couldn't afford to keep up with payments to the storage people because my ex was taking most of my money, and I have been avoidant in contacting them. Plus I was receiving calls from the charity asking me to organise the return of the scooter, I kept having to put them off as I had so much to do, I was leaving my partner and making myself homeless. I had to change my number because of the ex and his harassment and because they can't get hold of me and I didn't do what I said I would, they have gone to the police accusing me of fraud.

I am doing everything I can to return it to them, but I owe so much money to the storage company, I feel sick. I just want everything to go away now.

Take a deep breath. You don't have to tackle this right here on the spot .

Ask the solicitor when you talk to him or her how to approach this.

Is it possible that the storage company would take a portion of the debt instead of being stuck with a space that is making them no money as your scooter is in it? Would your mum be able to help out?

This is not the same as someone leaving a grand piano or their fur coat collection in a storage place and stiffing the management. It's a mobility scooter from a charity, so clearly you are a person who has at least two problems. On top of that, do the police in the old town have any record of your DV problems?

I've managed to half sort it out.

I called a friend who helped me pack up and take the stuff there in the first place. He went and talked to them for me and they've given me a couple of weeks grace. They've asked for £360 (about a third of what I owe I think) and I can have my stuff back, just don't have anywhere to put it yet. My mum mentioned helping me to pay it off, so I will speak to her this weekend, I didn't want to today as it's her birthday. My friend can move the stuff for me in his van, so I just need to work out what to do with it all. Perhaps I can find somewhere more local, for when I do get housed, but it's being able to store it all until then, possibly on twelve weeks or less, but potentially up to six months or longer. It depends on the homelessness officer's decision.

So they storage place are contacting the charity to let them know it's being sorted, and I am going to contact the police officers I spoke to here about the situation and ask if they can contact the local police over there and explain why I've disappeared without sorting it out.

It's the best I could do, I am hopeful I can get my stuff back, my ex made it impossible to pay them by taking most of my money, and now I am in a pretty shit situation with regards to finances. I may be able to sell some of the stuff in the meantime, to pay for the storage of the more personal items.

That is great progress, Fan.

At my mums finally. Looking forwards to a good sleep.

We're off tomorrow with my little sister to get oor nails and eyebrows done at the salon. Then out for an Italian to celebrate her birthday. I feel a bit rubbish because I have no money at all. My friend even bought the train ticket for me so I could go. But that will pass and I won't be poor forever, it's annoying as my medical questionnaire has been with ATOS for six bloody months and no decision made which means I wait for the extra thirty pounds a week until they do something. The only plus side is that so far they ooter me six months of thirty pounds a week, which will be handy when I do get it.

Got lots to do next week and I am nervous about three homelessness decision. I think I will concentrate on enjoying my family time.

I am absolutely gutted to wake up this morning with no money in my bank, despite my scheduled ESA payment being due in. With everything else going on, I really cannot cope with this. Not one bit. I am in absolute bits crying. How am I going to feed myself? And I can't see my children if I have no money.

All I did was call to see how long my claim might take, since I've been waiting nine months for a decision as to what group I go into. Now it's stopped, what is that? Punishment for not waiting like a good girl?