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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been sent this email by my ex

123 replies

FanFuckingTastic · 26/01/2014 02:05

www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper

I left five weeks ago. I felt like I was being controlled and emotionally abused.

I was abused as a child and I said I would never accept that.

Now I'm being told I am an abuser. Surely that isn't right? I have been trying to protect myself from harassment by cutting him off. He told me I would fail at living by myself, I am too sick of body and mind to cope alone, that I would end up homeless, penniless and eventually my children would be taken off of me by social services.

I know I am supposed to ignore what he says, but to hear this from him after sharing how broken I felt due to my childhood abuse. I don't know how to separate myself from this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
FanFuckingTastic · 27/01/2014 02:48

I made a comment on another profile and he commented via another person six minutes afterwards, so I have gone through deactivating my Facebook and other stuff. I am really cross that I am having to lose contact with friends, when I could do with their support, but I need to protect my safety.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 27/01/2014 04:18

Another definition is that the abuser aims to reduce your options until you feel you are backed into a corner.

This is exactly what is happening here.

Please call in reinforcements. He is stalking you if he picks up your comment within 6 minutes.

Original poster
FanFuckingTastic · 27/01/2014 04:51

Especially as it was the middle of the night. It was scary how fast he commented.

OP posts:
JingJangro · 27/01/2014 05:06

I don't get his logic.

If you were abusive to him, because of being "silent", surely the best course of action for him would be to have nothing to do with you now, not bother you all the time!

But the truth is, he is the abusive one...

He seems the type who will never stop, but if you totally block and ignore him the best you can, then eventually he will either turn on someone else (unlucky person), and/or the effect on you will fade away and it won't bother you very much.

I too have experienced this. After 14(!) or so years, still the odd abusive comment from him pops up in social media - but it makes him look a saddo and only very mildly bothers me.

mathanxiety · 27/01/2014 05:57

There is no logic. It is all completely irrational. It's very important not to take this as rational or to try to reason against it. That will drive a victim crazy and keep her circling around in his insane orbit.

Fan -- you need to reach out and get the help that is available. Break free.

pigletmania · 27/01/2014 23:55

Scarey, he is seriously screwed up. Have you got help in real life

WallyBantersJunkBox · 28/01/2014 08:05

Fan I'm sure there is a way to set up your profile so that only direct friends see your posts in FB, not friends of friends?

Don't clear down FB - just PM friends instead?

Original poster
FanFuckingTastic · 28/01/2014 19:17

I've spent the past couple of days in bed, mostly sleeping, catching up on all the missed sleep. I have a message in my inbox from a charity who help people who are under threat of abuse, I intend on trying to wake at a normal time tomorrow. It will take lots of medication but I am hopeful to be able to spend tomorrow dealing with the threat.

Then I can get a doctor's emergency appointment on Thursday.
for all the issues that are worrying me.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 28/01/2014 19:29

Well done for getting all that sleep and take courage xxxxx

You can tackle him, but reach out for all the help you can lay your hands on. Just remember there is no way to control or mitigate his actions.

Original poster
FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2014 15:30

I've contacted Women's Aid. I have a lady calling back to go through what I would consider to be a referral and risk assessment, so I intend on asking about the police and whether there is any sort of support with rebuilding my life. I've had some friends be very supportive, mutual friends with my ex who are shocked at his behaviour, but not surprised and they are all universally advising me to contact the police and Women's Aid, so I feel less like I am over-reacting to the situation. Other people who know him are worried about his behaviour towards me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2014 16:07

That was a very difficult phonecall, but I am going to be contacted regards a visit. They've advise I log my concerns with the police in the meantime and if I feel very frightened of him making contact to call them again.

OP posts:
Original poster
FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2014 16:20

And I've called the police now too, they'll be contacting me to arrange an appointment at the house to talk to me about my options and I have an incident reference number now. I can call 999 if I feel immediately threatened and they have some details on the situation so can respond better.

I'm shaking like a leaf in a storm. Things have got to be okay now, I've done all the right things. It's just scary going over everything again and hearing how awful he has been. I need a stiff drink.

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 29/01/2014 16:28

Well done. You're gonna be fine hon, this stuff is just a precaution x

Littlegreyauditor · 29/01/2014 16:42

You are brilliant OP, your user name is completely accurate. I hope, when all this settles and you are leading the life you want, that you remember to feel proud of yourself and how strong you are. Cake

marmaladecatbob · 29/01/2014 16:47

Poor you Sad Thanks. Hope everything works out for you xxx

Original poster
FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2014 16:51

Thank you, I don't feel particularly strong right now, because I am shaky and jumping at nothing, but I do feel like I've done something positive. I refuse to let him continue destroying my mental health and confidence, when this passes I look forward to doing all the things I want to do, I can't wait to see my kids this weekend and just hug them tight.

OP posts:
Littlegreyauditor · 29/01/2014 16:56

You are strong and you are mighty. Look at what you've done already- that takes balls of steel. Do not fear this nasty toad of a man scrabbling desperately to get you back in his grasp.

You are free, and you can begin to live again.

(But do take steps to ensure he has no access to you so you can rest easy).

Original poster
FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2014 19:07

The police came out tonight and it's been recorded as a domestic incident. They think I seem to be managing it pretty well, so I must give off the impression of being more capable than I think I am.

They have told me to report any further incidents of contact that make me feel harassed as they have avenues they can take there, but they checked his criminal record and the "attempted murder" was actually just a case of ABH, and he's been done for petty theft, so not quite as bad as he made himself out to be.

They asked if I needed support with getting mental health support, but I said I was managing it fairly well myself, but I know if I have difficulty getting that support they can help push it through with the crime report, and I know that my name and current address are highlighted as having the history of domestic incident and apparently they are only round the corner, so would be here straight away if anything happened.

They said Women's Aid would be helpful, and were altogether really friendly and nice. I feel a lot less frightened now.

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 29/01/2014 20:51

Good for you. Sounds like he was bigging up his criminal history as a way of intimidating you.

I bet he isn't squaring up to the coppers!

Original poster
FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2014 21:08

I definitely don't feel so worried now, and actually knowing he lied about something so intrinsic as what happened with his abuser makes me doubt a lot of the stuff he told me. I can't believe he would make it out to be worse than it was, I would have understood the ABH charge, just as I understood the so-called attempted murder charge, but being manipulated like that and made to feel sorry for him, just leaves me feeling a bit cold.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 29/01/2014 21:10

Good on you, you are strong and amazing Flowers

missymayhemsmum · 29/01/2014 21:43

OP, remember an abuser will take every vulnerability you ever showed him and try to use it to find a way back into controlling and hurting you.
Keep reminding yourself that you are no longer in any relationship to this person, therefore whatever he thinks/ says/ does is no longer anything to do with you, unless it is a direct threat or harassment, in which case involve the police just as if a stranger threatened or harassed you. His feelings are no longer your problem!
Good luck, you are strong and clever and this will pass.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2014 06:38

Well done. You are very brave.

ZillionChocolate · 30/01/2014 07:09

You've absolutely done the right thing. Glad people in RL are being positive. You have nothing to be ashamed of and it's ok to talk about this if you want.

Original poster
FanFuckingTastic · 30/01/2014 08:06

I managed to get a doctors appointment, I don't feel very brave right now. I've just spent another night completely awake. Hate feeling so tired and emotional. I'd quite like to get things sorted and get on with living my new life.

OP posts: