I've been sent this email by my ex

[FanFuckingTastic]

www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper

I left five weeks ago. I felt like I was being controlled and emotionally abused.

I was abused as a child and I said I would never accept that.

Now I'm being told I am an abuser. Surely that isn't right? I have been trying to protect myself from harassment by cutting him off. He told me I would fail at living by myself, I am too sick of body and mind to cope alone, that I would end up homeless, penniless and eventually my children would be taken off of me by social services.

I know I am supposed to ignore what he says, but to hear this from him after sharing how broken I felt due to my childhood abuse. I don't know how to separate myself from this situation.

I agree with what Leverette said about telling your friends.

What a shit. There is a very big difference between giving someone the silent treatment within a relationship to punish them and going no contact after a relationship to protect yourself from abuse. You are doing the latter love, don't let this piece of shite sway you with his mind games.

He chose this because he knew it would touch a nerve with you. Clever. Not cleverer than you though, despite what you think, because you saw through it enough to post here. You wouldn't have done that if you believe it. Good.

Don't look at that email account again. Shut it down if you can. Call 101 and get advice from non emergency police about next steps to keep this fucker muzzled. Stay strong, don't let the doubts creep in. You are not and abuser. You're a survivor

Oh what a cock. You're. to silently abusing him! You've left him. What, in his world does that equal abusive behaviour?

Look - you know what these people are like. They do anything - anything - to suck you back in. Even and especially if it will hurt you because that gets a response. And a response means dialogue. Ignore, ignore - you're doing brilliantly.

Is it worth saying that if he starts contacing/harrassing your friends you'll phone the police?

My mum had to do this with a bloke who turned out to be a stalker once dumped. He hounded my DG. The police were brilliant actually, though there was plenty of evidence (messages etc) from him to family/friends. He got a caution and that was all it took.

So sorry you have to deal with this even after leaving him. Just try to remember anything he says is just to hurt you and make you come back to him. I mean, in his mind, how dare you leave him!

If you don't want to discuss the details with everyone, that's ok, you can still say to mutual friends the relationship is over and you want nothing to do with him ever again. I think better to be over cautious and warn too many people than not enough.

I agree with the advice of going to Women's Aid and the police. If they're willing to do it, a harassment warning from the police is easier than a non molestation order.

Stay strong, you've done the really difficult bit of leaving him, all you need to do now is stick to your decision. I think him sending you that abuse article is a good thing, it reinforces that you've done the right thing. Had he sent you a "I'm sorry, I love you, I'll change, I'll do whatever it takes" email perhaps that you cause you to waver. He's demonstrated that his emotional functioning is completely twisted and he has no respect for you and no regard for your well being.

I have had a lot of experience of all of this, same tactics. Even the description of him sounds the same. Please never reply no matter how goading. Keep a diary now. Get a civil non molestation order, he'll break it and it will become a criminal restraining order. Report every single contact, direct or 3rd party. Any contact you "allow" by not reporting will count against you. Don't believe his hype please. However full of bullshit they are, this will work. In fact, rather than accept that they are not above the law, they often "choose" to back off so they can sustain their own fantasy that they are above the law. I haven't read all the thread yet, just your posts as I have to run but I will be back later OP.

Fan well done for leaving this abuser, that article he sent was about himself! Don't ever go back, he sounds dangerous. Change your e mail address, and instruct your friends never to reveal where you are. If it continues, go to the police.

You are string you can do this. Go NC with him, contact women's Aid and mabey go to GP for counselling or therapy to help you. He is ABUSIVE, he is gas lighting, STAY AWAY. big hugs

Hi OP.

Can't add much to the already excellent advice, except that I believe you said he was going after your friends as well, causing you to have to change your social life.

That means he's committing a Section 4a offence, which can land him in all sorts of bother.

Here's the CPS guidance on harassment: www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/#a03f It's quite easy to follow for layfolk.

So I need to think about where I am staying. He knows the rough vicinity and there are ways he could probably try to find out the address, though I don't think he'd quite manage. It does leave me wondering, I'm putting my friend in the line of fire by staying with her, would it be better to be somewhere different? I just need to be able to go visit my kids, so there are quite a few options, but I had hoped to go to college here and I've started the process of registering with doctors etc.

What are the options if I do need to leave here? Can I go anywhere? I'm technically homeless and being disabled and under threat of this wanker upping his tactics, I am not sure whether I might get some housing help, even if it's a refuge. If I do go along the lines of police and non-molestation order, I am pretty sure he'd be bloody furious, and I don't want to sound silly, but he's been in court for attempted murder (thrown out as it was his abusive father and he was a soldier). If he has placed me in a position where he views me as a abuser, will he become physically threatening? I am pretty sure he has flashes of temper, I don't know whether I should leave it and avoid that conflict, or go the whole way and go somewhere safe and throw the book at him. Would that put anyone else at risk? I don't know. I thought he was safe when I was leaving, that it would be a bit hard, but he'd get the idea and leave me alone, but it's not looking that way right now.

I don't know whether I am over-reacting or whether I have just cause to be this afraid of him. He still has me doubting myself.

If contact from him causes you distress and the contact is sustained then it is harassment. One response from you and from anyone who does not wish to hear from him should be "I do not wish to communicate with you. It causes me distress. I will consider any further communication to be harassment." After that DO NOT communicate again. If you do this the police can deal with him through the harassment laws someone linked above. I know what you mean about putting your friend in the firing line. Been there. But do not run scared. Do not take responsibility for his actions. If someone puts that in you it is sometimes understandable but reject it. The friends and one family member who stood by me all reported him for harassment and dealt with him on an individual level, not allowing me to take responsibility. My family blamed me for the trouble and stress he caused so I do understand how you feel.

*on you, not in you

Just to add you are an amazing woman OP. You are far more inteligent than you are.giving yourself.credit for - this view you have of yourself as him being cleverer is down to his.abuse. You have been given great advice by others, and I cannot add to that, only say keep believing in yourself and your abilities. He has lost his power hence the crap he's spouting.
We all believe in you

Please - leaving someone and cutting all ties is NOT giving someone silent treatment. Silent treatment is a long term emotional strategy with the aim of hurting and controlling them. Cutting someone out of your life is, well, leaving them. Your intention is that he goes away and leaves you alone. It is not to keep him hanging on an emotional thread, dancing to your tune. Keep going OP, you are doing the right thing.

I think you need to contact womens Aid, definitely the police if harassment continues. Women's aid should e able to find you a place of safety. You need to look after yourself, if you need to get an injunction against him so be it. This means h will not e allowed to go within a certain distance near you. Log all e mails and contact as evidence.

Ah. I think you need to go and see the police in person, taking with you printouts of everything he's sent to you if possible. This is Section 4 harassment, the one punishable by 5 years inside.

Trust me, when the police hear about his prosecution they will take it very seriously indeed.

Baabosta is right youare not giving him te silent treatment, bu protecting yourself from harm, he sounds fecking nasty.

Oh love, I've known you for years, got you on fb (will PM you who I am!)

Keep all correspondence from him. You've been through hell & you will get through this.

Lots of love to you x

Sorry to hijack - i know thats not why you posted it but have just found that article incredibly useful to help me understanding the dynamic I was dealing with in my situation with my now-ex. All power to you.

I think the writer of te article that abusive knob cited would be upset that it's being used in this way. You are a clever intelligent woman, youare being abused by this idiot, he is wrong not you.

YANBU. He's trying to control you, direct your anger inward into self-loathing so he can erode your self-worth and then come swooping in looking like the 'hero'. That's what he's trying to do since you took control away from him by ending things. He's using guilt and manipulation to get what he wants.

Please ignore and block him, keep cutting him out and don't respond to anything he says. He will only use your answers against you. You have not given him the silent treatment, the silent treatment is a controlling game used y those in relationships. You've cut him off, he's just trying to get you back to where he wants you.

What about writing a generic warning letter to everyone-send it to friends and family so they know.Explain that you have broken up with X. That he is controlling and emotionally abuse, that he won't take no for an answer and is now harassing you and trying to guilt you into taking him back again so he has you under his control once more. Just explain that you never want to see or hear from this man again, that you need him out of your life and unable to try and emotionally abuse you. Just state that you wouldn't be being so blunt over this if he hadn't started threatening to involve all you family and friends in trying to guilt you into conversation with him and relationship reconcilliation. Finish with: this man is toxic for myself and my children, for my own self worth and their sake I need him completely out of my life. He will likely try to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and try to push you to help him gain back control over me. Please support me by refusing to converse with him about me, I would be grateful for any support you can give.

And Op, you doubt yourself because of him, without him and with him completely gone you won't have doubts like these. Everything shit is related to him. Call the Police 101 and get some advice. He sounds shitter and shitter.

If I do go along the lines of police and non-molestation order, I am pretty sure he'd be bloody furious, and I don't want to sound silly, but he's been in court for attempted murder (thrown out as it was his abusive father and he was a soldier). If he has placed me in a position where he views me as a abuser, will he become physically threatening? I am pretty sure he has flashes of temper, I don't know whether I should leave it and avoid that conflict, or go the whole way and go somewhere safe and throw the book at him. Would that put anyone else at risk?

You are not going to control him or keep yourself safe by trying to go it alone or avoid conflict. Nothing you do can make him feel any more badly disposed towards you. He is living inside his own head and very little can penetrate into the gloom there. You have no control over what sets him off.

He is already furious. He already wants to hurt you, to punish you for leaving. There is no way you can avoid conflict with him. He is going to keep coming after you until he gets some satisfaction from his hunt.

And it is up to him how he treats others. What he might do to someone else is another element that you can't control and you are not responsible for.

Do not keep on running. Do not change your college plans. Do not move away from where you can see your children. You need to stand and fight. The law is there to protect you. Use it.

Don't be tempted to believe you can control any of this on your own. That is a dangerous belief that abuse victims often hold. You need to use what help and support is available for you -- police and Women's Aid. You need to repeat to yourself that you are not responsible for his bad choices.

Take some advice before acting. He's obviously a dangerous man. In my case I was advised that while it was infuriating, the best thing to do was ignore him - that to confront him, send him a solicitor's letter etc would escalate things.

OK, anyone can write an article on the internet saying that something is abuse, without any qualifications or skills or specialist knowledge of the subject, so I think you can reasonably ignore that. Also the article is about people who are in relationships, not people who have ended a relationship and stopped contact, so even if it were correct then it doesn't really apply any more than saying it's financial abuse if you don't give money to every ex you've had.

For your own reference, the best definition of abuse I have come across is that it's behaviour which deliberately makes the other person afraid for their safety (dunno which author it was, but it was a specialist domestic abuse one). You not talking to him doesn't make him afraid, so it's not abusive. He has made you afraid of him, quite clearly, by exerting control over you. FWIW I had an ex like that (also have mild ASD which made it hard to spot that he wasn't 'the normal one' when criticising me over trivial stupid things that weren't his business), and it is very hard to pin down but it would eventually have got even worse, so you're doing well to get out before it did.