I've been sent this email by my ex

[FanFuckingTastic]

www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper

I left five weeks ago. I felt like I was being controlled and emotionally abused.

I was abused as a child and I said I would never accept that.

Now I'm being told I am an abuser. Surely that isn't right? I have been trying to protect myself from harassment by cutting him off. He told me I would fail at living by myself, I am too sick of body and mind to cope alone, that I would end up homeless, penniless and eventually my children would be taken off of me by social services.

I know I am supposed to ignore what he says, but to hear this from him after sharing how broken I felt due to my childhood abuse. I don't know how to separate myself from this situation.

last night was a big night of realisation for you, bound to keep the mind whirring. Don't worry hon it won't always be like that. You are doing so well and bit by bit you are getting there and tackling everything

Anxiety and stress in your life have probably had your adrenaline levels running and running. It's no wonder you can't sleep.

It's a good step to see the doctor. You can't keep on going in a state of extreme stress, your body needs to rest and repair now.

Your priority is to take care of your physical and mental well being.

Hope it goes well.

Doctors appointment was a bit less helpful than I'd hoped for short term sleep issues, but to be understood because I am on a potent mix of medications already for my health problems. I'm waiting to find out about a psychiatrist's referral, it has to go to a meeting first, and I've been put on a list for counselling. The doctor has changed my antidepressants one up and the other down, so might see some change in the next couple of weeks. I just wish I could settle and sleep at night, being awake all the wee hours isn't great for my mental health.

But it's done, I have an appointment in a couple of weeks for a health assessment, and I can call again if needs be. Next thing to concentrate on, after seeing my DCs this weekend, is filling out forms, so a CAB appointment would be useful. A friend to write for me would be useful too as I can't fill out forms, my arthritis prevents me from writing too much.

I can help with forms hon, we can do that next week when you're back

You are doing incredibly well, just putting one foot in front of the other. Each step takes you further into your new life. Maybe the rejigged ADs will help with the sleep issue?

Not much to add, you've gotten good advice.

If continuing emails are a problem, most email programs have a way to designate a particular email address (his) so that when you receive one from that address, it automatically sends a false 'this email address (yours) is no longer a valid/in use email' making it seem as if you have closed the account. You do still get the email he sent in your inbox, but you can delete it, read it, forward to a friend to read it to see if it's threatening, whatever you want.

Unfortunately, each email system has a different way to set this up so there isn't a 'one size fits all' set of directions. Also, I'm in the US, but I'd think most email programs are universal.

DS used it once to get rid of a 'stalker-ish' girl.

Can I be nosey or has it been mentioned, why are your dc not with you?

It's complicated. My DCs are with their fathers.

I was being made homeless last year, my landlady wanted the house back for her daughter. She didn't manage it particularly well, it took her a few months to get it right, and I was getting more and more stressed, my carer was being difficult (reporting me to the school as unfit etc), and I was getting a distinct lack of support from the council/adult care with people off on holiday.

And about this time, I met my ex. I'm still trying to disassemble what happened between us, how much was me making my own choices, and whether he put pressure on me to do anything. I got it in my mind that I was no longer fit to care for my children and he supported that, said he could take me on if I gave them to their fathers, and I could sort myself out. Not that that is what happened.

I don't know any more. At the time I thought I was doing what was best, and in a way I was protecting them from homelessness, and going through the rigmarole of hostel/B+B while I sorted out a place to live. I was also frightened of my carer, she wasn't going easily despite my giving her notice (everyone was on holiday and I was left to manage it myself). She was big and scary, and she worked at my children's school too, as a lunchtime supervisor, so I was worried about whether she might be believed, although in the meeting with the school they asked me if I felt I needed support with the children, and I felt that actually I just needed a bit of time to settle in with new carer. Then found out it was her that reported me.

I felt really vulnerable and he sort of swept in and took that feeling away. Now I just feel stupid. Really, really stupid. I have mental health problems, and this time I am going to sort them out myself. I've managed to end up in the worst place in the world, without my children. Now I guess I've had everything stripped away completely, no home, no belongings, no health, no kids. The only way is up, all I can do is improve my life, work towards getting my children back with me, and learn how to stop being a target for controlling men (maybe that's as much my issue as it is theirs).

I don't feel very good today, I had hoped to be able to get mental health services involved immediately, but I haven't been able to communicate very well with the new doctor. I'm tired, I've slept but it was without remembering to take painkillers, so I've woken in pain. I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle with myself - I list all the things that I've done that I need to sort out and feel overwhelmed. Then I panic and can't sleep. Then I feel worse - then I list all the things again. It's not over when you leave, it's always going on and on in your head - how did I fall for that, how could I be so stupid, how could I let my kids down so much, how could I have lost everything. Bad start to the day. :(

I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. It seems very similar to my realtionship with my ex.

Very well done on you for contacting all WA and the police. They really do make you feel more safe.
I understand where you are coming from with your dc, as my ex made me feel like i made the decision to allow my dd to live at her dads.
Then told me i had to choose between him or her a year later when she was coming home.
He also exaggerated on things in his past to gain sympathy from me.

It does get easier. If you get any further contact, apply for a non molestation order. This has helped me greatly! Report everything dont hesitate.

You will have good days, and bad days. But dont forget that you are in a better, safer place now and you can only grow stronger from this.

You have done the right thing. You should be proud of yourself because it really isnt easy to do what you have done!

Oh fan you are such a brave and amazing lady, yes the only way is up, your ex came when you were at your most vulnerable, and that is probably why you let him into your life . I don't have the right words to say, but big hugs . One step at a time, place to live, getting help for your mental health problems, getting your kids back where they belong.

Ah man, you lot made me cry. Thank you for not getting all judgemental about the kids, it's so hard now that I realize that I am actually capable of caring for them, to sort out the mess I made when I thought I wasn't.

I've contacted everyone today to update them and it turns out people were really concerned about me disappearing. If I'd thought about it I'd have messaged them to let them know why I was deleting facebook, but I was so emotional and scared I just pressed the button. And with the changing of telephone numbers and me not having credit until today, I've left talking to them. And they were all really worried, my mum was going to call the police and my kids were upset. I'm so stupid about these things, I thought no one would miss me for a few days.

Just spent the past hour on the phone to my mum and the kids dads, and everyone is really being nice to me, I thought I'd get people telling me they told me so and actually everyone keeps being so nice I am bursting into tears every two minutes. The men did their macho "I'm not scared of him, I'll tell him to piss off" stuff, which I discouraged and said to just hang up and record the incident with me so I could record it with the police, my mum told me to come home and get some hugs and a good sleep.

That man has really tried to ruin my life, turn me against these people who I love most, make me feel unworthy and unable, and control my every move. Well right now I am feeling a very big FUCK OFF YOU WANKER is appropriate and I will be moving on to hopefully be very happy without him, although it doesn't feel like it right now, I am sure it will soon enough.

I have asked to move this post now, as AIBU isn't really the appropriate place, I'm always a bit on edge that someone will come in an hoik up judgey pants or something, so it will be going to Relationships and hopefully I can continue to have a place to sound off and write how I feel, and get some really great advice on how to deal with things.

I just re-read the whole thread and wanted to say thank you again to everybody. I feel much more mental clarity now than I did back at the start and I am really glad that there was that support there when I was struggling. My friend had gone to bed when I initially started posting, and I felt completely alone and afraid, but didn't want to wake her as it was stupid o'clock. I am grateful that I had people at that point willing to support me.

I am just packed for visiting the children and will be off to Brum soon to collect my daughter, I can't wait to have a weekend with my mum and hopefully sleep normally. I'm actually seeing a future for myself and it's positive, and whenever I feel like I can't cope I come back here and see what I've written and it helps no end.

Paws fan, no one will judge you are doing so well. I am so sorry I could not give you the reply you deserve, I was typing as 2 year ok'd ds was ransacking the place, and trying to open the front door, so apologise if it seemed rushed.i am so pleased you are more positive, the power of mumsnet, there us always some insomniac on here. Have a fantastic weekend, and enjoy yourself, you deserve it

Yes give ex the hug F off he deserves, you don't need that stone around your neck pulling you down. If you feel down read thus thread

Pleased to hear you are feeling positive
I hope you have a great weekend with your dm and dc.

Definitely keep coming back to the thread when you feel you need to.
I dont think i would make it through this as well as i am without mumsnetters! They are awesome

You are just like your name!

Have a lovely weekend seeing your kids and your mum (there's no one like mum, is there?). I hope you get tons of hugs and tons of sleep.

I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle with myself - I list all the things that I've done that I need to sort out and feel overwhelmed. Then I panic and can't sleep. Then I feel worse - then I list all the things again. It's not over when you leave, it's always going on and on in your head - how did I fall for that, how could I be so stupid, how could I let my kids down so much, how could I have lost everything.

Honestly, what you have written there could have been the story of my life a few years back. I don't know a single women who has been involved with an abuser who has not felt herself reeling in exactly this way once free.

Have a really good weekend and accept the love because you deserve it.

I am having a lovely time. I've met my brother's girlfriend for the first time and she has a lovely wee boy of two, my daughter has proclaimed him her best friend, and they are running around together with a ball.

My son is having an independent shower, telling me he can do it himself (although he did come and get me after hiding in the bathroom for five minutes to get it switched on because he was too scared to do it himself, haha).

My mum has booked me in for a haircut, her treat because I've been leaving it because I can't afford it and she got me a takeaway last night, so I'm totally stuffed on pizza still.

It's all just buzzing and happy here, it's a much nicer atmosphere than when I am on my own. My kids are always guaranteed to cheer me up. And I've got a grown up weekend next weekend, with my sister coming up to my mums too, as it's my mum's birthday. I think we'll be going out for a nice meal, so it'll be an excuse to put a dress on and wear some makeup.

We've talked a bit about things and my mum is being very good, she's going to get me a housing application for her area so I've got twice the chance of getting housed, so long as they provide an extra bedroom for the kids, I need to check their housing policy here.

Life feels almost normal this weekend.

Oh love, I noticed this morning you'd gone from fb.

You take care of yourself xxxx

I've had to deactivate everything to hide from him, he's been really sneaky, so it just saves me the bother. I will start a new account under a new name and just leave mine for six months until this has all blown over. If people want it from my old friends list, I'll be happy to share by PM, but it'll be pretty locked down otherwise. Just debating with my family what my faux name should be.

I an so pleased you are having an awesome weekend, you deserve it and some pampering. Please keep us updated hopefully he will get bored after a while whilst he's not getting the reaction he wants

I have been emailing a friend lots and finding it really nice to keep in touch like that. I think I may try to do it more with others, it's nice finding messages in among all the junk.

You sound like a new woman!

Have a lovely time with your DCs and family. Your mum sounds as if she knows what's needed.

Please don't just let things slide wrt the non-molestation order though, just because you are safe right now and have a chance to move away. The man you are dealing with sounds determined and vengeful, so you may well need that order. It's not fair that you have had to shut down your FB, and it wouldn't be fair if he found you in a new address and forced you out.

Don't worry, he's getting nothing, and the minute he steps out of line I will re-contact the police as they advised I do.

Been trying to get a copy of Why Does He Do That, but it's pretty expensive, even second hand it's more than £7. Not available at the library either. I've asked my mum who works in mental health, who doesn't have it, but one of her colleagues may have it. I would like to pass it on to another poster on here who is moving back to the UK afterwards, I may have to scour the second hand shops. I've only got £30 to last me the next 12 days though, so I can't spend a fortune on it.