Partner Help Please?

[PhoenixRising1979]

Hello

This is my first post here and I don’t really know where to start. Last year I found out something about my partner from someone he works with. We’ve been together 7 years and have a child and house together. Part of his personality is being a huge flirt, but it’s always harmless and it’s never bothered me. Basically, this woman said that this time was different.

She told me that for the last 6 months she’d seen him and this woman together almost every day but the most worrying part was their body language, she told me his eyes lit up when he saw this woman and he’d have coffee waiting for her and vice versa when she came in, and put his arm round her waist to greet her. She’d also seen him push her hair out of her eyes and him standing behind her stroking her neck, and to use her words ‘being affectionate’ with her. She’s also seen him holding her hand in their reception area. There’s more which I’m sure I’m forgetting, but for now – what would you class the above as?

Sounds like an affair or the beginnings of one.
Has he made you suspicious at all or is it just this woman?
Is she a close friend of yours? Does she have any reason to lie?
I'd do a bit of digging before you go in all guns blazing. The more you can find out now the better - gives them less chance to cover their tracks.
Sorry though - its a shit feeling

Once I found out, I went in and didn’t tell him. She happened to be there and I came face to face with her albeit from a distance. After that I told him he had to stop anything to do with her, even talking to her. I also finally told him I was pregnant again (unplanned, I hadn’t remembered my pill) and so he agreed, though I knew they’d still have to be in the same building for work. I don’t really know what goes on there during work time but anyway…

I was told by the woman who informed me initially that this other woman had told him to stay away from her and unless it was about work, not to even speak to her. This lasted two months, but during that time my partner apparently tried to speak to her a few times only stopping when he approached her and they had an argument with her telling my partner to stay away from her and him shouting that it’s hard not speaking to her.

Due to work issues two months later they were ‘forced’ to speak and ever since then, this woman tells me you can see the ‘thing’ that’s between them as if they are around other people they won’t look at each other and my partner will ‘try’ not to look at her, though she has seen them talking outside when no one else was around.

A few months ago she sent him a Viber message asking if they could talk away from work/go for a quick coffee as she didn’t want people talking about them at work. I unlocked his phone and went into the app and read her message. I went crazy shouting at him and blocked her. I don’t understand why he can’t seem to stay away from this woman.

Should I just accept that he clearly has feelings for her? Even now, he shouldn’t have to TRY not to look at her, he shouldn’t care about her at all

This has been going on a year, for time frame reference

Sorry, I was typing that second post out before I read your post

Sorry I didn't read that this all started last year!
It seems like their 'affair' never really got started and now its hanging in the air between them like a big fat "what might have been", which can make it seem all the more romantic and exciting.
IMO being affectionate like this is as bad as an affair, in fact its the level of affection which would upset me more than the actual sex.

Have you asked him outright what his feelings are?

Maybe you need to tell him to either look for another job and cut all ties with her as he obviously can't carry on like this.

I did ask him and he didn't say anything. I think he loves me/our family but I don't know if we are just the safe/secure option?

Being affectionate IS as bad as that means he genuinely caresabout her, doesn't it? This woman told me that someone had seen them laughing with her arms around his neck and his arms around her waist and that he had said he loves seeing her at the beginning of the day as it sets him up for the day and makes him happy...wtf

I'm also worried and it's played on my mind for the last 7 months that he only 'changed' with her when I toldhim I was pregnant so is he just here for the children

How I read this is that they were actually having an affair and after your intervention and pregnancy news, she dumped him. Hence her anger and upset with him.

After that I think he miraculously talked her round into resuming where they left off.

This informant seems incredibly invested in the whole thing though and it doesn't sound healthy. It sounds like more information about your partner is coming from him/her than the man himself.

What does your partner actually say about all of it? Does he admit to having an affair or having feelings for his colleague?

The life you're leading sounds horrible. Constant surveillance, constant information from a third party and you trying to police his fidelity.

You could always walk away, you know. Because this isn't a healthy way to be.

Why is your DP's colleague repeatedly filling you in with salacious details? I wouldn't cover up someone else's affair, and if I knew the betrayed partner I would find a way to gently tell them. But I wouldn't run back giving details like a spy on a long-term mission. What's her motivation?

If it were me in your shoes, I'd actually kick him out (even if you have no intention of splitting up permanently). Nothing focuses the mind of a cheater than loss. In fact, it is only the realisation that there are consequences to their actions can make many really understand what they've done, take steps to ensure it never happens again, and to make amends.

What is your relationship like generally?

This woman is mid 50s and has been a friend of both of us since our first child was born 4 years ago. She actually told this other woman about me to begin with as after 3 months of 'wooing' her as she put it, she didn't know about me, only our child who he apparently told her he wanted her to meet

Do you really think it was a 'proper' affair? From my first post, would you class that as cheating? I'm so confused, 3 months after giving birth I'm all over the place. What if he was planning on leaving me and then I told him about the pregnancy? I'm reassured that he was all over her until I told him I was pregnant and he told her before anyone else

My partner won't admit to anything, though him 'trying' to avoid eye contact with her etc doesn't sound good does it?

I also would question why this woman is giving you all this information. Does she have her own agenda?

Leavenheath is right - I had missed the pregnancy part (I really need to read threads properly!). Him getting you pregnant must have been something of a wake up call for her, the old "my wife doesn't understand me" line blows out of the water when the wife gets pregnant doesn't it?
If you really think he is just there for the dc then you have a choice - put up with it or end it. But you DO deserve better and so do your dc, remember they will model their future relationships on the relationship of their parents so staying together for their sake will do them no favours.

We were fine, I thought.

This woman is coming off worse than she is, I think. Bare in mind it's over the course of a year and she's spoken to me about it maybe 3 times - once 9 months ago, once 5 and once last week

It sounds like a full blown affair. Standing with arms around each other bespeaks a high level of intimacy.

OW obviously told him to stay away from her when you got pregnant - presumably he had been peddling the line that you didn't have sex.

Yes I think he was having an affair with her and probably still is in some shape or form.

According to your mutual friend, he denied your very existence. After that, as suggested he probably said you had a brother/sister relationship or somesuch nonsense. The pregnancy news blew the lid off the lies.

If your partner won't admit to anything, it comes down to who you believe more; him or the mutual friend? Although now you've seen the message from the colleague about talking privately, I know who I'd believe and it's not your partner.

She actually told this other woman about me to begin with as after 3 months of 'wooing' her as she put it, she didn't know about me, only our child who he apparently told her he wanted her to meet.

So apparently your partner denied your existence, marvellous.

Am I being delusional thinking that him trying to avoid her/eye contact with her is a positive for us?

I love him and don't want ourlives to change. Saying that, the fact tis has been going on for a year says something, doesn't it?

The mutual didn't say he denied having me, just that she said he never said anything about having a partner, just our child

The reason they are avoiding eye contact is because as the colleague herself says, they know people are talking about them at work.

The main issue here (apart from the big one which is the affair itself) is that your partner is saying nothing.

Help me understand why you stayed with someone who wouldn't even talk about this and still won't.

Did you think 'least said, soonest mended'?

Because that's unlikely ever to work with something like this.

Even if this woman gets fed up with him and sees the light, there will be other women he gets close to in the future.

BTW when we are using the phrase 'denied your existence' we don't mean he lied about having a partner at all. We mean that he never mentioned you and she was led to believe no partner existed.

There are lies of commission and lies of omission.

You were omitted and erased. That's horrible.

In the context of his 'wooing' her, not mentioning you is effectively covering up your existence.

I've no idea what this messenger's motives are, she could be manipulative or she could just be incensed at your partner's behaviour, sees herself as a friend, and doesn't want to feel complicit in an affair.

I don't think him avoiding her at work is necessarily a positive as it entirely depends on what's going on behind the scenes. They may just want to convince work that nothing's going on as it's known he's got a partner with a baby.

Xpost with Leavenheath - quite.

Ahh I see, well then yes, I suppose he did 'omit' me.

I don't know, whenever I've broughtit up I've just ended up shouting at him. He wouldn't stay if he didn't love us though, would he?

What if nothing is going on now, what would the avoiding eye contact say then?

Can I ask, what is worse for you, losing this relationship or you being his second choice?
I hope this does not sound harsh but at the end of the day maybe this is what it will come down to.
really sorry, I too think your deserve much better.

It does sound like an affair, esp if it's being like this for a year. Tbh, until your partner actually is honest with you then this will just carry on. I couldn't handle my man fawning all over another woman and in front of work colleagues, they must be the talk of the place.

He should be putting effort into you and looking after you.

I would say avoiding eye contact is so nobody can see what's going on between them, particularly this friend who seems to be on to them!

Kaluki - what if nothing is really going on now - what would that suggest by him avoiding eye contact with her then? That he still feels something for her?